My beautiful son died suddenly 8 weeks ago. He collapsed outside his house. James was 31. I dont know if it instant, im haunted that he died waiting for me to help him. I didnt and he died alone.
The pain and anger are unrelenting, i cant escape them.
I feel cheated out of a life with James and dont feel strong enough to walk this path of grief.
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so sorry to hear this must be terrible for you. you dont say what he died of, if it was an anurysm or fatal heart attack it would have been instant, he would have known nothing. you have done nothing wrong hugs
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I am still waiting for a cause of death but knowing he died alone outside haunts me.
The pain is relentless, it follows me as a constant reminder of what i have lost. The emotions hit me unexpectedly. Sadness, denial, guilt and anger, they make no exceptions.
Im angry and terrified that this is now my story. It feels too long and lonely.
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I can relate to how you are feeling, my dear son died suddenly and alone. He was older than James at 60 but still he was my baby. Like me you are probably in shock at his sudden death, plus grieving because he was alone. I have felt all that but am beginng to forgive myself after 6 months. You are still in early days but it will get easier, it’s so hard because we love them so very much. I hope you are getting good support, please go easy on yourself.
I lost my son, Sam age 30, in May this year. Same thing, suddenly but he was at home with his wife and toddler. They were in bed and it was too late by the time his wife got up. We are still waiting for results. I have been talk to CRY UK, they are very supportive. It’s Cardiac Risk In The Young. I’d say contact them and they have a Facebook group for Mothers too. I’m so sorry we are here going through this hell. I can’t believe it and in shock. It’s just awful and really there are no words.
I feel every bit of your pain. I dont understand anything now. I feel trapped in a life without James.
I’m angry, really angry that hes gone.
I feel cheated out of a life with him.
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Hi Laura, i share your pain. My daughter died 9 weeks ago, just 5 days before her 27th birthday. She died alone and wasn’t found for several hours when our messages weren’t being delivered. Like you, we have no idea of exactly how long she had been there and what caused her death. Waiting for the coroner’s report feels endless and I’ve tortured myself with all the “what ifs” and guilt about her being alone all that time. For the last few weeks though, I’ve just felt numb and have had days when I couldn’t even cry which just adds to the awful guilt. Having spoken to a lovely lady in bereavement support today, she tells me that’s normal and it’s probably my brain’s way of protecting me from the pain of grief and guilt that i wasn’t able to protect my darling girl from whatever it was. I imagine when we know what happened (hopefully they can give us answers), the grief will hit me all over again and I’ll have that same long road to travel. I send you love and strength, there is no easy way to deal with it…someone said to me recently “grief - you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go round it. You just have to go through it”. The emptiness is frightening, please take support from wherever you can get it and don’t be afraid to drop me a message if you want to❤️
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That’s from
“We’re going on a Bear Hunt”
I used to read it to my daughter, it was one of our favourites. She died last year, she was 21.
I don’t think we go through grief, we live with it. It becomes a part of who we are.
We will never be the parents we were or the people we were. I feel like all that I am is grief.
I still fluctuate between anger and despair and I still prefer anger and hate to the desolation of loss.
Do try reaching out to others, take support from wherever it is offered. You may not feel it will help right now, it took me a year before I was able to speak to others in a support group setting, but there will be a time when you can take comfort from the only people who will have some understanding of what you are going through, other parents.
We can never give you the thing you want most in the world but we can listen and walk with you in the darkness.
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It just feels like an endless journey. I cant escape the pain. I just want it to stop. This is my story now and terrifying. I cant forgive myself for letting him down when he needed me most.
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Im sorry for your loss. This isn’t how it should be. I dont understand why hes not here. I feel cheated out of a life with him. The pain is unrelenting, it never stops. The path of grief is a terrifying thought. I just dont feel strong enough x
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Hi Laura, I’m so very sorry for your loss, and for the despair you’re feeling. I feel the same about Erin, i should have been there with her and i wasn’t…would i have been able to save her? Probably not given the circumstances but at least she wouldn’t have died alone and lain alone for hours. I wish i was far enough through the grief journey to be able to offer the right words of support but, in truth, I’m doing everything I can to avoid my own reality by distracting myself with all the practical stuff, and i wouldn’t advise that to anyone. Are you getting or looking at support from anywhere? This community forum seems wonderful but maybe some one on one time with a bereavement counsellor would help you? People say time helps but there will never be enough time to make our worlds the happy, normal place they once were. Sending love and a listening ear if you need one 
x
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Im so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter and we find ourselves on this same horrific journey.
I feel trapped in a new life without him. My beautiful daughter keeps me here. My heart breaks for her knowing shes been robbed of new memories with James.
My thoughts are consumed everyday trying to accept a life without him. The heartbreak paralyzes me.
Thank you for your message.
Sending love to you x
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I can’t forgive myself. He died alone, i should have been there. Was he waiting for me? Was he frightened?
I dont know how to live each day
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Thinking of you, knowing how you feel. Please try not to blame yourself, things will get easier day by day.
Dearest Susan. My heart goes out to you. The thing is with our adult children, they aren’t under our care any longer as when young. They live their own lives, and although the mum in us wants to protect them at all times, we cannot be with them every moment. You could not possibly not what was going to happen to your darling son, and so of course it happened suddenly, at a moment he was in his own company. You could not have known. Please release yourself from any guilt, you have none. Think of the 31 years of good that you did do, the love you gave, the care and nurturing, the love. Our experiences bring up all sorts of emotions - my beautiful daughter battled terminal cancer for months, and watching that suffering, right to her last moments, is haunting. I knew of what lay ahead, and yes am so grateful I was with her right through. But equally it could have happened when I was not there. I think when we are feeling so vulnerable and fragile, our emotions are heightened to such an extent that we find anything to guilt ourselves over. I understand how you are feeling with not being present at the time, as mums we need to give them that comfort when they are going through trauma, but please know it is the love you shared that matters, and which has gone with him.
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Today is not a good day, My heart hurts, im full of pain. I considered seek out James’s warm and familiar face knowing that I will never find it.
Im so angry that i was allowed to love him for 31 years for him to be taken away from me without warning, he died alone without me.
My beautiful boy died without the comfort of the love of me, his mum. I am haunted knowing that i wasn’t there.
Ive been awake for 4 days, the images dont allow me to close my eyes.
My beautiful daughter keeps me from going to james. I feel so sad that she is enduring such a loss.
I cant understand why i have to live without him. I didnt prepare for this life. It shouldn’t be like this x
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Hi Laura,
I want to write to you because I feel your pain radiating from the screen. I know something of what that pain feels like, though it is not entirely the same; I lost my partner 2 weeks ago at 33 years old.
I…don’t know whether what I will say can help you…but…I will try…
Laura, your love for James was - is - not just physical. It blossoms out from you and permeates the air, the world and everything in it. James did not die without the comfort of love from you; it surrounded him then, as it did the entirety of the time he was with us on earth. It surrounds him now, and his love, whether you’re able to feel it directly or not, surrounds you. That is the power and beauty of love.
In my journey through grief, I came across a sentence “What is grief, but not love persevering?” In this life, we are very concerned with the physical aspect, but love transcends that. We are never alone in that way, I promise you. Love endures, no matter what we go through: even death.
You are going through an incredibly, indescribably tough time right now, and you may feel like you’re not coping, but every second you get through: you get through. It’s important to remember that “coping” rarely feels like “thriving”. Just because you feel like you are falling apart doesn’t mean you are not getting through.
Anger is completely understandable, we are never prepared for this, even though death, for all of us, is inevitable. But it is also a fact of life: we will all die, and our job is to take care of one another and love each other as much as possible before we do. That is what you did - and still do so beautifully - for James. I see it. Everyone on here sees it through your writing, and I’m certain everyone around you physically does, too. You loved him so completely, and you still love him. That’s all any of us can do.
I hope this helped somewhat. MUCH love to you. <3
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Laura, I can read and feel your pain. And share it too. My longing for, and pain of loss, for my beautiful girl, is just overwhelming and consuming at times. I, like you, long to look at her, speak to her, touch her, smell her, and like you, am angry that for 43 years I had her, to love and cherish, only for her to be snatched away. But I also agree with Kalaila - love transcends the physical, and there is no greater love than that of a mother for her child, and the love we receive back. No we cannot touch them, have a conversation etc, but we will always have that love, nothing and nobody can take that away. James knew you loved him, whether you were with him or not, he carried that love in his heart, and it is safely tucked away in yours too. When I wrote the eulogy for my Sarah, I wrote that I would never say goodbye because this is not the end. She will always be with and around me, and I also wrote that true love never dies. We miss the physical aspects of their company terribly, always will, but our physical presence here on earth is limited, and sadly that means heartbreaking grief for those of us left behind. I have days, indeed most of them, when I feel I can’t make it through, but it is still so raw and I have a tiny piece of hope that one day it will hurt less. James was a blessed man to have a mum loving him as you did and still do, and my Sarah is blessed to have the same x
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Thank you Kalaila and Lydia for your kindness and warmth.
I fully believe that our love will never fade, i loved james with everything i had and he returned that love to me. He was kind, funny and morally complete. I was so proud and privileged to be his Mum.
James would never have left and i feel terrible guilt that i am not embracing this life with strength.
The sadness comsumes me, its relentless and just reminds me of this new life without James and a nightmare i can’t escape. I feel paralysed with sadness. I feel lost and unable to navigate this path. I wish him to come and see me but i know itll never happen. My world is just broken, i am broken. Im taking one day at a time. Im really trying and i know James would be proud.
Thanks again, i feel very supported by you wonderful people 
.
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Laura0304,
I read this and I see me in these words….especially as I also lost my James.
I think I may be a few more weeks into the journey, James left us at the end of June, and I have to admit that some days are getting better even though my heart is broken and I am not sure how I will ever find true joy in the world.
I also thank everybody on here……it makes you feel comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings that only those in our position truly understand.
Take care all x
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