Laura, I too see myself in your words. An immense pain and sadness that is so intense that you wonder how you are still breathing. One word I really resonated with was ‘trying’ - I promised my girl that I would try my best to cope, to keep going after it happens, through tears. I think it is so accurate, trying is the best we can do at the moment, and let us give ourselves merit for that. We are trying. Trying to get through another day, trying not to crumble into pieces and give up on life, trying to see some sort of hope and future in all this pain. My beautiful girl had a life she loved, with a husband she loved, doing a job she loved, and she knew how to live. I don’t want to let her down, not now, not ever, she doesn’t have that chance to embrace life. Can I ever heal enough to embrace mine again? I don’t know, nor can I make any promises to do so. But I promised I would try, which I am. I do believe in an afterlife/heaven, and that she and I will be reunited one day. I will hold on to that. This isn’t the end. I have this to look forward to when my days are ended - my baby girl and me will hold one another again.
Its 4 months today that i lost James. I sit trapped in a world without him. My heart only beats with overwhelming sadness and a pain i cannot describe. My days are so long, my future holds no joy.
I feel desperate to escape it.
Life is just so cruel and im struggling to understand why
I can offer no solution but please know that you are not alone with these feelings…
There is no answer to why, only more questions. Why did they die when others live? Why did it have to be your child? The list goes on.
I wish I could offer you some solace but I lost my daughter 15 months ago today and it is just as painful now as it was then. I am still trapped like you, I still can’t look at her photo’s, listen to music or go out beyond the 3 shops I know I am relatively safe in. Although that is increasingly hard now Christmas has hit.
The only difference now is I think I hide it better… and if I do let the mask slip I can see the look on my family’s faces, “please don’t go back there” but the truth is …I never left.
Use this space, don’t be scared to share your true thoughts because you can guarantee there will be someone else who has thought the same and it helps knowing it’s not just you xx
Thank you for your kindness. My heart breaks for you. Im so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter and that we find ourselves trying to navigate this painful path of grief. James has been gone 4 months . I feel wounded. I cant escape. I have a lifetime to go, a reminder that i failed him.
Im comsumed every waking moment with pain.
I miss him . X
The pain we feel can only be understood by another parent who has lost their child.
It is like no other grief.
I understand your despair and anguish at your life ahead without him. We all feel guilt but you didn’t let him down. He will have known how much you loved him.
You will want to run away but you’re tied to your grief, you can’t outrun the pain. The anxiety is crippling.
My daughter had leukaemia when she was eight then again at thirteen and finally a brain tumour caused by her treatment killed her at twenty one. I understand anxiety and grief and fear.
I am not the same person, I have no fight left. I have no energy and no desire for life or living. I understand this may change, many parents learn to live with their grief and some do wonderful things in their children’s memory. Right now all I can do is breathe.
All you need to do is breathe too. It is very soon for you and the pain will feel insurmountable and trying to make sense of it is consuming. We lose so much when we lose a child. When you are ready try reaching out to support groups, in the meantime keep using this site xx
Ive been awake for 72 hours, i sit at the kitchen table talking to James and trying to make sense of this new life i am now living. If i sleep i wake up with the instant realisation and thundering pain as reality takes hold and all over again i remember James has gone. I struggle to see a future without him . This grief is all consuming. Im so heartbroken x
It’s too much isn’t it. I feel worse each day and struggle to get through each minute. I taking sleeping tablets as I can’t sleep, maybe you could ask Dr for some? They may give your head a rest bite for a couple of hours. Take each minute. Here with you x
Laura, we are all here, holding on together, propping one another up. Having to face a future without the child we lost is like a weeping wound. Constantly painful, bleeding, raw. It has been 7 weeks yesterday that I lost my beautiful girl, and know that feeling of waking each morning to that horrible feeling, anxiety, dread, darkness, facing another day without having them beside us. Although we knew for a few months that my Sarah’s cancer would take her life, nothing could have prepared me for the pain and sadness, nothing. I was recently reading an article online about how Gloria Hunniford was during her grief when she lost her daughter. She said it was as if there were a huge black hole, and I resonate with that. She said that in time she learned to live alongside that black hole, to gradually ‘rejoin life’. That hole will always be there, nothing will take it away, but hopefully we will learn to live with it. We are here together, the only ‘club’ with members who get you x
Thank you ladies for your selfless warmth. Whatever the reasons our beautiful children have been taken from us doesnt stop the overwhelming sadness and pain we feel without them. Trying to imagine a world without James is just to horrifying to contemplate. I have a beautiful daughter who is also struggling without her brother. I am grateful we have each other although i am devastated watching her in pain.
Thank you for your support. I in turn support you through this journey x
I lost my eldest son on 8th November, he was 40. He was alone in his home. I feel overwhelming guilt that he was on his own. A post mortem has shown nothing and now we wait for further tests.
I can’t get it in my head that he’s actually gone although we’ve had his service this week. He has an 8 year old son and I’m just so sad for him too.
I feel guilty for being here when Ben isn’t. I know there are different stages of grief and it’s not the same for everybody. But nothing makes sense and it doesn’t matter what anyone says because nothing will ever bring Ben back.
That is so true when you say it doesn’t matter what anyone says because the only way to ease your suffering is to have your son with you.
We can try to offer empathy and understanding but only you know what you have lost because only you lost your son. Even to others that have lost Ben only you had that relationship, Ben will mean other things to other people but only you were his mother. I lost my daughter last year and I feel no one can understand my grief because no one else knew her like I did.
But I take comfort from other parents who have lost a child because they at least can relate to my pain and acknowledge my loss, they don’t dismiss my sadness or diminish my grief.
I have friends who have lost their children and occasionally I go to a Compassionate Friend’s group, it doesn’t bring my daughter back but for a time I feel less lonely
So sorry. My Son was 30 and I can’t believe I’m here and he’s not. It’s the wrong way round. I feel guilty that I’m seeing his babies (one he never got to meet) and he’s not. I was told to take each minute and I still do. I’m unaware of time now. We are here together 
Today is hard. Pretending to engage with life is impossible. X
I hear you. So difficult. How we keep putting one foot in front of the other is beyond me. We are here together xx
It’s 5 weeks today …
I’m trying to be normal, whatever that is.
I got a tattoo on weds with his name and the infinity symbol, and today I decided to start writing whatever I’m thinking or feeling.
My first Christmas eve endlessly wishing James was with us. I send my love to you all. X
Me too, my first without Ben, it’s only been 6 weeks and it’s getting harder every day.
This first one feels so heavy doesn’t it.
Remembering my James and all the joy he got from giving to others. Forever in my heart.
Love to you all as we navigate our grief at this time x
Loving our beautiful children, nothing has ever been easier.
Loving James was effortless. 5 months without him feels like forever. My future feels empty and unimaginable.
I owe James strength to remain here, to remember, to laugh.
Loving James was so easy, losing him is heartbreaking.
Merry Christmas to you all.
Sending all my love 
Xx