Laura, I too see myself in your words. An immense pain and sadness that is so intense that you wonder how you are still breathing. One word I really resonated with was ‘trying’ - I promised my girl that I would try my best to cope, to keep going after it happens, through tears. I think it is so accurate, trying is the best we can do at the moment, and let us give ourselves merit for that. We are trying. Trying to get through another day, trying not to crumble into pieces and give up on life, trying to see some sort of hope and future in all this pain. My beautiful girl had a life she loved, with a husband she loved, doing a job she loved, and she knew how to live. I don’t want to let her down, not now, not ever, she doesn’t have that chance to embrace life. Can I ever heal enough to embrace mine again? I don’t know, nor can I make any promises to do so. But I promised I would try, which I am. I do believe in an afterlife/heaven, and that she and I will be reunited one day. I will hold on to that. This isn’t the end. I have this to look forward to when my days are ended - my baby girl and me will hold one another again.
Its 4 months today that i lost James. I sit trapped in a world without him. My heart only beats with overwhelming sadness and a pain i cannot describe. My days are so long, my future holds no joy.
I feel desperate to escape it.
Life is just so cruel and im struggling to understand why
I can offer no solution but please know that you are not alone with these feelings…
There is no answer to why, only more questions. Why did they die when others live? Why did it have to be your child? The list goes on.
I wish I could offer you some solace but I lost my daughter 15 months ago today and it is just as painful now as it was then. I am still trapped like you, I still can’t look at her photo’s, listen to music or go out beyond the 3 shops I know I am relatively safe in. Although that is increasingly hard now Christmas has hit.
The only difference now is I think I hide it better… and if I do let the mask slip I can see the look on my family’s faces, “please don’t go back there” but the truth is …I never left.
Use this space, don’t be scared to share your true thoughts because you can guarantee there will be someone else who has thought the same and it helps knowing it’s not just you xx
Thank you for your kindness. My heart breaks for you. Im so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter and that we find ourselves trying to navigate this painful path of grief. James has been gone 4 months . I feel wounded. I cant escape. I have a lifetime to go, a reminder that i failed him.
Im comsumed every waking moment with pain.
I miss him . X
The pain we feel can only be understood by another parent who has lost their child.
It is like no other grief.
I understand your despair and anguish at your life ahead without him. We all feel guilt but you didn’t let him down. He will have known how much you loved him.
You will want to run away but you’re tied to your grief, you can’t outrun the pain. The anxiety is crippling.
My daughter had leukaemia when she was eight then again at thirteen and finally a brain tumour caused by her treatment killed her at twenty one. I understand anxiety and grief and fear.
I am not the same person, I have no fight left. I have no energy and no desire for life or living. I understand this may change, many parents learn to live with their grief and some do wonderful things in their children’s memory. Right now all I can do is breathe.
All you need to do is breathe too. It is very soon for you and the pain will feel insurmountable and trying to make sense of it is consuming. We lose so much when we lose a child. When you are ready try reaching out to support groups, in the meantime keep using this site xx