Sitting at the kitchen table after another sleepless night desperately trying to understand my new life without James. He was 31 .
I loved him effortlessly and i wasnt finished being his mum.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Its unimaginable that i have to leave James behind in 2024. Its just so wrong. I feel like ive betrayed him. Life is incomplete and fractured. The thought of starting a new year is just too hard to contemplate. The pretence goes on and the pain intensifies.
My heart hurts , i never knew such pain existed.
X
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I canāt stop crying today, had a terrible night, I get what you say, itās moving into a New Year and leaving Ben behind.
I donāt want to.
We had Ezra, his son, here for 2 nights and itās bittersweet because I just kept thinking it should be Ben watching him unwrap his presents and playing with him. Heās coping well on the whole, ( better than me ), but said at bed time āI miss my dadā, of course that set me off and we both cried and cried.
We were invited out a couple of times before Xmas but I couldnāt go - I donāt want to see people enjoying themselves, itās not their fault but I canāt cope with it.
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I completely understand all your feelings about Christmas, as this was my first since my daughter Erin died in August, just 5 days before her 27th birthday. Her brother and I somehow got through it but Iām finding the prospect of new yearās eve 100 times more scary and heartbreaking. The thought of leaving Erin behind and starting a new year without her is crippling me. Does anyone have any coping strategies to help me (and all newly bereaved parents) through the next 48 hours?
Sending so much love to you all, we have somehow navigated our first Christmas, no idea how but we did itš§” xxx
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This is my second Christmas without my daughter, she died aged 21 and she was/is my world.
I approached this Christmas like I do every other significant date, by pretending it wasnāt happening. But the same thing happens, I crash and spiral and just miss her beyond words, beyond ānormalā grief, beyond the need to draw breath.
My advice for New Year is itās just another day, itās a different date in the same way as tomorrow is a different date. You never leave your child behind. You carry their love and the weight of their loss into each and everyday you live without them. The day, the date, the time is irrelevant.
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I know it is hard, sometimes you feel like you are walking about like a zombie. This was the second Xmas without our son. It is hard when you see other people walking about as normal.
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Thank you MoBe, and Iām so sorry for your loss, itās a pain like no other, i truly never believed grief could be a physical pain. I think thatās how we got through Christmas, just put the blinkers on and went blindly through the motions. Iāve been using distraction tactics since we lost Erin, just trying to fill every waking moment with something to occupy my mind but today my motivation is gone and i feel completely empty
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I sit here thinking of you all. New year was heartbreaking but we made it for our beautiful children. I send you all so much love 
x
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I thank you and wish you peace for the year ahead.It is not easy but some how we have to cope. Maybe in years to come science will find the answers to why all these deaths at a young age.But for me I cannot understand when some evil people live to a long age,and yet good people die young .
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Itll be 6 months on the 21st January since my funny, quirky , loving James died. Today i feel avalanched with such unimaginable sadness. I see no end to this bleak road that i find myself on. I never knew such sorrow existed. I feel exhausted with heartbreak.
Sending you all love x
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So i have just received Jamesās cause of deathā¦Sudep. Sudden death in an adult with epilepsy. I thought id feel some peace knowing why my beautiful boy is not with me but i dontā¦because he isnt here and everything seems so final. One phone call to mark 31 years of life. James deserved more. The world keeps turning without him x
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There are no words to help you.
Iām still waiting on test results - I want a reason but I donāt ā¦
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Laura, I am glad you have the results at last, but at the same time understand that it brings no comfort during this awful time. I believe I saw another parent on here whose beloved adult child was lost to Sudep. I never knew there was such a thing, and I am a nurse. I have no words that will help, this horrid black abyss we all live alongside each day is hard to bear. I miss my beautiful Sarah much more than I can ever say, and the hurt is like a bleeding wound. It is my son in lawās birthday Friday, and he just told me he is going bowling in the evening with friends. As much as I know he is struggling, and should get out, canāt help thinking Sarah should be going out with him, celebrating his birthday, bloody life does keep on going around us for sure. Doesnāt feel like mine is though. Just feels like I wake up each morning, endure another day, existing rather than living. My heart goes out to you x
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Its like the Amen to his life. His journey coming to a end. I feel so desperately sad for James. Robbed of new opportunities, future memories, sun in the garden. He deserved it all.
Im a palliative care nurse, i understand death . My James was 31, i cant process or understand it. Its meaningless.
I try tp imagine being happy again but everything is so sad and bleak that i cant see past it. X
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I am so sorry it is hard enough managing epilepsy . My so was on Epilim and lamotrigine for about 25 years .He died at the age of 47 in July 2023.H e died on secondary bone cancer.They could not find the primary,then about a week before he died they said they found a small gastric ulcer 20mm in the lesser curve of the stomach. Although the medication controlled his epilepsy well I do wonder if it had anything to do with the cancer from taking it a long time. I did notify the yellow card system about the concerns and they have accepted. What else can we do we love our children so much. You take careā¤ļø
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Everything that can be said has been said by the other lovely ladies here. I am so sorry there has been no closure for you, but I suspect nothing will bring closure.
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I am dreading the results. We will probably have to wait until mid February.
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Thank you all for your lovely words.
I just thought knowing would help, it hasnt at all. Hes still not here so it makes no difference why . Im not ready for his journey to end. I dont want a new life without him. Its just to sad to imagine. X
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We were told up to 16 weeks, itās been nearly 9 now.
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Its a long wait. I really hope some news brings some comfort to you and your family x
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I really hope that you get some comfort from the results and answers some unanswered questions.
Ill be thinking of you x
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