Thank you SO much for your words, I mean that. I will update everyone in due course, but currently in the awful situation, both in denial and numb but keep having tears well up. Best wishes thank you for your comment x
Just want you to know i am thinking of you Keep fighting for your mum ok She neds you more tahn ever.
Hello, me again, feeling tortured at 4 am
Thank you again to all for sharing of stories and supportive words on this forum.
I’m just offloading my torturous thoughts below, so please I don’t want to distress anyone, I’m still in a negative place, been crying distraught most of yesterday, and I know what I write below could be disturbing.
Next week I’m finally going to put into words my complaints (well some of them ) to PALS at the hell-hole hospital because I’m still feeling tortured again by the thoughts of what my dad was unnecessarily put through and other things how my visits were being surveillanced etc etc, I obviously need some answers, although I know that my complaints will just be not upheld, and truth answers will not be given. But I have dozens of recordings (which I won’t obviously tell them about but only rely on when the complaint investigation dismisses everything that has troubled me, and as I said from the beginning led to my dad being clearly euthanised when I know he had more than a fighting chance if he could have just been allowed home as he wished) .
So this remains an agonising time, and I think I’ll never be happy or joyous or content again, due to my anguish and pent up hidden anger inside of me and the general double agony of my grief now for the loss of my mum as well.
But my close friend said they’d just be beside me next week as I type up and carefully word my complaints. I’ll do it at my friend’s home to keep the bad vibe upset feeling out of my own home environment because I live on my own.
I’ll also put in a complaint to the Council Deprivation of Liberty department, to ask how and why my dad’s deprivation of liberty wasn’t safeguarded, ie his case I believe should have gone to the court of protection to argue his case to be let out of hospital and return home (to be cared for by me and his chosen Carers) because I know he would have not died (hell hole hospital just put him on the cruel pathway of decline - ‘managed’ death/ backdoor euthanasia… But I know he would be here today had they not stopped treating him and eg given him his vitamin B12 injection and done the humane thing and let him home (even if just to die which was his wish, but I know he wouldn’t have died. )
All this will be hard to prove, and my complaints must be worded carefully to not just be ridiculed or dismissed. This will not be an easy process. Complaint investigations take months. The hell hole hospital will hope I give up, but I have to try to get some answers / accountability, and then take it to the Ombudsman. Only by having the perseverance to do all this do things ever come to light. Ombudsman will possibly dismiss and not uphold my complaints too, but I have to try. Yes I’m cynical and skeptical, but what happened to my dad still happens to too many frail people unable to defend their human rights to be let out of hospital to return home. This is a complex issue, but I have a story to tell. I will be writing a book about this in the future and hopefully help to forewarn others in the future how best to prevent what happened to my ole lovely dad and his 8 weeks of detainment in a hell hole hospital where they eventually conveniently killed him off. I appreciate some may think I’m just feeling upset cos it’s my dad. But he was one of the many victims of backdoor euthanasia on a hell hole ward. I’m sorry that as ever my words may be distressing to readers. But I have dozens of secret recordings, videos and photos to highlight the systematic way the hell hole ward let my dad decline in his bed, when he should have be allowed back home to me as he was pleading, until they dumbed him down with unnecessary morphine (a man that had no pain to warrant morphine anyway!) But it conveniently prevented him from speaking and swallowing. He died of thirst and hunger over many days. Once again the wrongful use of the ‘death’ pathway still being used despite claims that the Liverpool care (death) pathway is not used nowadays. Hospitals can be Sinister places for frail, vulnerable, unempowered who want to just be allowed home, if only to die at home. But many would still live many more months. (Google the misuse, overuse of the Liverpool care (death) pathway , although NHS legal strongarm have removed most public stories of this practice of ‘backdoor’ euthanasia in hospitals. etc yes as my ole dad kept saying “it’s a conspiracy” to detain him, let him decline and die. It happens. My dad had capacity but they said he lacked capacity and slapped on a Deprivation of Liberty, because he just wanted to go home (against medical advice! But there was nothing wrong with him to prevent him from recovering his strength at home in his familiar safe home environment. Unfortunately I was treated like a nobody as I didn’t have Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare. My dad didn’t have that in place.
The stories and emotions that all us people share on this grieving website are just so important to read about and express and let out.
I really appreciate reading everyone’s stories of their own grief journeys.
Sincerest healing wishes to all
I’m not so well today so just a quick acknowledgement. I’m sorry that you’ve now lost your mum too. Did you say you just happened to pop out into another room, when she passed (so missed it)? that must be hard, after all you’ve been through.
The decisions that the ‘powers at be’ make can be devastating. I hope that you get plenty of support and that you carry on with your complaint. Please look after yourself too, sleep, rest etc
Carry on with your complaint as it is something not just for your dad but you yourself need to do.
As you know I had a similar story and have awful memories of the time my mum was on hospital. I agree with lots you have written as it rings a bell with me.I too am putting a complaint in about certain things.My complaint is mainly about communication from all levels both in written and spoken forms.I am not up to writing it yet but will do at some point. Attitude from some staff on the ward but I must stress not all staff is another point in my complaint and also the insensitive was in which mum was dealt with from the palitive care team on their first visit to her when they told her quite bluntly she was going to be fast tracked home as she was dying .All this was done in front of me.Also after a week of mum coming home the palitive care team telephoned asking if they could make a home visit.Of course I agreed thinking they would be so pleased she was doing so well etc When the palitive care nurse came out she told me they were concerned that mum in her words superseded their expectations.When I asked what did that mean I was told they didn’t expect her to live this long It had only been a week for goodness sake. I was then told the support of daily carers and nurses would be stopped if mum continued to survive to which I said no problem at all.I know that these things have to be said at some point but it wasn’t the best communication yet again so soon after mum had come home. I kindly reminded palitive care that they were now guests in my mother’s house and we were no longer in the hospital and I must say after that they were more respectful.
Just want to say I really feel your pain and you have had a double dose of this awful grief to go through. What you have written on here speaks volumes for the strength you have and I admire you greatly. You have worded it from the heart so I can only imagine what your actual complaint will be like.I agree chose your words wisely,seek advice,get someone to proof read it and double and treble check every word.As you say you already know the outcome that the powers of be will dismiss it but my goodness it will bring you so much satisfaction and I personally feel it’s the final thing we can do for our mums and to maybe prevent other elderly people going through this.
Keep us updated
Thank you so, so much for your words Mazza. I am thinking about you and sending my best wishes to you and for your loss. Yup I was in the next room a few feet away. I did a little ritual the exact time a week later by where my mum’s bed was, to try to say I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold her hand at the exact time. I’m just so in shock I never believed in a million years I’d not be beside either of my parents when they passed. It was a privilege I just took for granted I’d achieve. Ah well. My apologies a rushed reply for now x
I’m going to read your message comment here tomorrow as I’m a bit tired now but I really appreciate what you’ve written, but I’m a bit tired to reply properly but honestly thank you for typing all that. I will read it thoroughly tomorrow. And reply. Exhausted with crying all evening. Very best wishes and big thoughts your way for now. I’ll reply soon x
Oh you’re welcome. You’re having such an awful time. Youve probably noticed on here many people beating themsekves up for not doing/giving more. Whrn its obviois theyve done and given so much.
You sound like an absolutely doting daughter. Youre a sweetheart. How could your parents not have felt that? What more would they want? When weve got strong emotions, our rational brain goes "offline " and we cant hear the balanced things that onlookers are telling us. You had your mum at home and my mum couldnt be. She was asking when she could come home and be with me, because thats where she wanted to be. I was sobbing and telling her that I couldnt give her the nursing care she might need overnight. It broke my heart. She had to go into a nursing home.
I was there when she passed but it was impossible to know exactly when that was going to happen. I was by her bedside for the last 12 hours, scared to use the ensuite she had, in case it happened then.
Im sure your parents and medical staff will have mentioned the level if care you gave generally. They said to me that my mum knew she was loved and Im 100% positive yours knew that about you, too. Context is everything and in that and in that, you just popped out of the room for a few minutes, with no indication it would happen then. Medical staff told me that some prefer to slip away when people have left the room (to save their feelings) but I knew my mum would want all and sundry around the bed!! I knew I had to be there if I could be and that was your intention, too.
I do know Id ve doing the same as you are, trying to make up for it by doing a ritual a week later. Id be feeling the same as you are and friends have been constantly telling me I went above and beyond. You have too but you cant take that in, at the moment. In time, the intense feeings will subside and some understanding will return. Youre holding yourself to impossible standards ( and youre not alone in that!).
Just a very little reply, just to say i really appreciate reading all you’ve written above and I can so relate to your words and how it all made you feel etc. Yup the insensitivity aspect I’m afraid can be all too rife amongst the so called health care so called professions etc my dad described some staff like gestapo, forgive me for using that analogy but it’s what he said. You’ve expressed things so well. Likewise I hope you find the strength to get that necessary complaint in. I’m still feeling too weak to write anything.
It is so hard putting things into words currently for me, as I’ve sunk badly into depression with huge anxiety too. I’ll sign off now but will update as and when I’ve strength , take care and to everyone on here , strength and best wishes to us all x
Hello Mazza thank you for your comment and words, my apologies I get a bit lost navigating on this forum via my mobile phone. I will read and reply to your comment a bit later as I really appreciate what you’ve shared but am just feeling too exhausted to properly type a reply. Have sunk badly these last few days into hopeless depression.
Best wishes for now
Thank you to everyone who have shared their words here
Theres no pressure to reply soon, or at all…Ive tried to help so maybe just read when youre up to it, if youre feeling overwhelmed.
Depression is a sign for you to care for yourself.
Sleep, rest, get support, do things you like and take pressure off.
Hiya Cordy ,
Big mountain size hugs ok
Bless you guys, I mean that
Had a bad day. Sundays are hard. 19 weeks today my life shattered
Sundays are horrible, I changed my shopping day to Sunday just to get out and about.
I lost my love suddenly at the end of June every day is a effort my heart goes out to you xxx
Thank to everyone who has commented. I’m just feeling so sad and depressed and hopeless. So this is just a brief comment. The pain doesn’t fade at all. I feel physically unwell with grief and other horrid emotions eg the anger at what happened to my poor dad, and also how my mum’s decline surely could have been prevented. I find myself looking at the little bits of video and voice recordings I took on my phone. I just want my mum to go and cry to. I just want my dad to say to say to him “dad please can you help me”. All day I’m holding back the tears, gutted to my core, but also crying loads too, but crying is agony and futile. I don’t think I’ll ever genuinely smile or laugh again - life feels too tragic.
There’s more complex stuff as a result of losing both my parents (too upsetting and complex to write about) but it’s just adding to my agony, especially cos both my parents would not want to see me in such a terrible situation and they’d want to help but they can’t, and when they were alive they were prevented from helping me by the estranged toxic pathologically controlling nasty, spiteful much older sibling who has covertly bullied me for decades and who prevented my parents from sharing their bit of savings whilst they were alive and the toxic sibling (who literally hated me from the day I was born … long story) manouvred himself into a position of absolute power over each of my parents’ monies and my dad was furious eventually but powerless in his last year of life, and my frail mum was just under his emotional control and coercion constantly but I have recordings of her so upset and feeling her son was not allowing her access to her monies / savings.
Sorry I just didn’t want to type all this, but the son didn’t visit my dad in hospital. He didn’t attend either of my parents funeral. I’m too weak to know what to do but I believe he’s used or misappropriated ie taken both my parents savings. For years I’d reported things to The Office of Public Guardianship but both my parents were honestly too scared to revoke their son’s Power of Attorney for finances they were scared he’d cut off from them ie not contact again, well he only visited briefly each year, just a few hours annually anyway. Being the male and 10 years older than me, my mum and dad trusted and worshipped him like a saint. But both saw him for what he was in their last year. He betrayed their trust, prevented access to their savings, gave no transparency or paper trail ever not for years, actually broke both their hearts. I have loads of recordings. But I couldn’t do anything either, because it’s just the way of some family dynamics. I just cared and loved and came from a place of care and love and though I’m not religious, just wanted to look after my parents with a feeling of God in my heart. I kind of felt well it’s the siblings bad karma as it was clear he’s taken both my parents savings… Long story. They were savers for decades but didn’t own their home. My mum lived with me …my dad was a tenant for years on local farm belonging to my ex husband.
Once again my short comment had turned into a mammoth one but it’s just too complicated to put it all accurately into words. All I know is I can’t see myself ever being ok or happy or content again. Every aspect of my life has backfired into a tragedy, and that after many years of bad luck and other heartbreaks ie broken marriage. Only my mum and dad knew and understood how difficult life had been for me for years previous. Only helping and looking after my mum and dad made me happy, smile, laugh, feel content and cosy and loved and appreciated. It was a mutual thing as both my parents had become progressively more disabled over the years, and I know I kept them going and protected them and preserved the little private life world that was just me going back and forth from mum and dad, yup 24/7 but I loved it and thrived off of being their daughter carer. But then I lost them. They fell through the net of my protection. Choking back the tears. I don’t know how I’m going to carry on.
Love you mum
Love you dad
Just read your post and my heart goes out to you . Don’t feel sorry for writing about all this because you need to vent it. Like so many people probably on here there have been family issues to contend with and you are no different. You have been through so much and now you are personally drained. You were a wonderful daughter to your mum and dad and no one can ever fault you. Like you my siblings only visited once or twice a year and both brought some of their grown up children to the funeral even though they hadn’t seen their nan for years. However I am reassured that I did everything in my power especially in the last ten years to give my mum the best life ever and you can do the same. Like me you can hold your head up very high and know you gave your parents the best life possible. No one can ever take that away from you.
I have learnt it’s best to leave the past in the past as that is what my mum would have wanted. There is probably nothing else you can do about the family issues you are going through at the moment and it is just going to torture you even more if you let it get to you. I am sure it gets to you and makes you angry because it’s only natural but your health now comes first. Your mum and dad would want that. Please look after yourself as you have so many friends on here who are here for you.
None of us are ever going to be the same and like you i doubt whether I will ever be truly happy again and if I do it will not be the same happiness as when my mum was here. I don’t know what the future will hold for any of us but we are all in it together and as long as we help one another by supporting and encouraging we will be helping each other.
You have had a double grief which few people on here have experienced so I honestly have no idea how you have coped as one is devastating. Keep posting and rant away as whatever helps you can only be a small good thing
Thinking of you always
Thank you so much for your words. Everything you have said is absolutely spot on. Every word. I am truly comforted and feel the support that your words convey. Yes that is just so true, important and what my mum absolutely would say about I must to try to leave the past behind etc etc yes all your words are so accurate THANK YOU… It’s 2.30am in middle of night and honestly I can feel some healing inside me just through those words. Thank you I mean that
Usual confused rant offload part now:
I know I have to try to do something about my 'tortured mind ’ which is actually giving me like nightmare weird dreams, and honestly I’ve heard of PTSD but I think I must have that too, but I’m really trying hard every day to get through the day, and find proper paid employment (honestly that’s the triple whammy aspect, as I can just keep hearing both my mum and dad’s separate voices in their own way wanting to help me etc but today I’ve done 5 hours of intense online unpaid free trial tuition today to see if I can get more regular paid students online… I put my face on (Make up) made myself look presentable, winged my way through each tuition lesson and after each one I was just holding back the tears and I’d go into my mum’s room and hold her pillows tight to me, then look around all her little bits and pieces, her precious day to day things, possessions, all the things that held meaning for her little life world, her chair, her radio, she lived for her radio-shows all the call in shows, or we’d have DVD Keeping Up Appearances - Mrs Bucket made her laugh, the box set on repeat and me often in the other chair where I’d sit and knit …and yup i know I must try to avoid the mental torture because when I let my thoughts take over, and the constant shock feeling that she’s gone , well then that’s me in like a prison of disbelief . But I do try to feel her presence and my mum’s words that would be trying to tell me I’ve got to get through this otherwise I’ll be ill etc. “You’ve got to carry on”
Currently I just can’t face moving anything in her room or even washing her cup and things, which I know is a sign I’m in a stuck depression.
I think I did so well (well I had to be almost robotic and numb and keep holding back the tears) clearing out and moving everything out of my dad’s bungalow, that was sheer agony, and exhausting, but I have all my dad’s stuff and all his clothes all in a huge pile in my spare room and likewise I just can see myself wanting to move or sort my dad’s things more than that currently. I have his two cats - now indoor cats but seeming ok with their new style lives indoors as opposed to their previous living freely on the big farm). I darent let them out currently as I’m not too far from a road.
Every aspect of my life feels like a chaos and I have no idea how or if I’ll actually get to a better place of healing and acceptance and moving on to the phase 2 of living ie without a mum or dad. I feel so weak.
Anyways that’s my offload.
I’m thinking of us all and sending my best healing heart wishes to us all on here and a big thank again for all your shared and supportive words
Best wishes to everyone
It’s such a different world for us all now so how about giving yourself some praise for just doing the smallest thing each day. We cannot change what has happened but we can try to change how we carry on. I have set myself tiny goals for each day just trivial things that other people would probably laugh at and think I have gone bonkers Well I have actually that’s a fact in the crazy grief world.
You so deserve to have some praise as look what you have come through. If no one else can give it to you pat yourself on the back each day and say to yourself I did that or finished that job off.
I can honestly tell you that you are doing so so well.
Sending a massive hug to you
Hello Deborah, bless you, and everyone
Your words are just what I need to hear and listen to. I am glad you are aiming to achieve those small, tiny things each day which for those of us going through all this, are such huge things. I appreciate your words of support and encouragement. And continued best wishes your way, everyday
Currently I’ve gone downhill more this week, depression and sadness but having to put brave face on as I apply for jobs etc which just feels too soon, and alien. I really hope I’ll find the strength tomorrow to put into words my complaints re that hell hospital ward. I’ll have to word it carefully. It is bugging me bad but if I don’t do it I’ll be plagued each night with so many unanswered, unaccounted for, issues that led to my dad’s end.
I’ll keep updating. I won’t disappear from here.
It’s been a hard week. I can’t do any sorting or tidying or clearing or re-organising of any of my parents belongings which have as good as filled all my rooms of my own little home. I realise this is stuck grief etc. Unfortunately I just keep crying loads each day with chronic sadness. And disbelief that they’re gone.
Anyways, best wishes for now Cordy
I always appreciate all your words. Thank you. It has helped me feel less alone with all this