Hi Cordy,
So lovely to hear from you again.
I honestly think its the new normal in going up then downhill with all this grief . Every day is different and it’s us now that need to try to adjust to get through each day. What sort of job are you looking for? Try to find a job that is not too stressful for you. Something just to help you manage financially and leave it at that for now because you don’t want stress from a job.
Could you start a small business of some kind ? That way you would be your own boss.
Don’t start sorting any of your parents belongings yet until you are ready. For me I am just bring a few bags home each time I visit mums house so I can take my time here in sorting them. I tried on lots of her clothes today and they fit me perfectly . I know she would be glad I am keeping most of them. I have a wonderful friend who I shall give some too also and mum would be thrilled that I would offer her them rather than take to a charity shop. It is making the most of a horrible task and i can feel my mum saying keep going Deb. Like you her things have filled nearly all the space in my house and I am struggling to find room here for other things.
I think for many on here this week had hit home more with Mothers Day . We are bound to feel depressed and so sad. I hope you have given yourself a pat on the back for starting to apply for jobs though That in itself is a huge task and you must keep telling yourself you are doing well. It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Thankfully I am retired now so don’t have that worry. I am going to find something to do though maybe next year when i feel stronger. Am thinking of setting up my own business but not sure what yet. Something selling children’s things maybe .
It is such early days for you Cordy. My heart goes out to you. It really does. Keep strong lovely and keep posting on here ok
Deborah x
Hi Cordy,
I also think its the best thing to do small tasks at a time. Its so essy to feel emotionally overwhelmed, so its needed. It takes longer to get things done (maybe) but Ive noticed theres more room at home, now.
Of course, its an emotional experience to sort through belongings. I removed some of my mums clothes from the back of the wardrobe shortly after she passed(her least favourite/least worn), and took them to recycling bins and charity shop. I put her nicest items one side to keep. Inly recently I tackled the rest and unpredictably, I felt more upset because they were her day-to-day clothes. Cardigans, tops and trousers she wore a lot and that I remembered her in.
I realised Ive been assuming something wont feel that hard but has been.
Its awful hiw your brother has treated your parents. Family discord often comes to the suŕface at the worst times. You soubd like youve tried to protect your parents from him and they will know that abd know that you were the one they could rely on. Its unbelievable to us how some people can treat our loved ones, when theyre dying isnt it. Ive got issues with my brother and Dad, at the moment! (Re me and my mum)
Do you have to go back to work yet? Its difficult having to think of that, now.
I suppose I would maybe write notes about how your Dad was treated by NHS(you probably have) si that you remember details but maybe postpone the actual complaint until you feel stronger.
Depression seems unavoidable for us and being able to feel a time when were not hurting so much. Perhaps you need to ho to GP- Im taking antidepressants and have accessed counselling.
Take care,
Mazza x
Ps. As seyschelles says, I think Mothers Day has triggered hard feelings again, this week.
Hi Mazza6
Lovely kind words you have just posted to Cordy.
It’s wonderful how we all come together to help one another.
Hope you are doing okish also
Deborah x
Hi Cordy,
Are you ok .
Just checking in on you
Deborah x
My Family went through the same, our dad bumped his head and went into hospital, he had a previous stroke, (mild) and dementia for 2 years, when he went in they said he’d had another stroke!!! They gave him Madadzilam, lorazipam and an antipsychotic and knocked him out, he was left to rot in a corner, mouth infected, blood filled catheter, no food or water…11 days in after being told he had 48hours left and end of life i told the hospital i was taking him to a different hospital and contacting the news papers…suddenly he was not end of life anymore and moved to a seperate room. my mum and i had to have a meeting with the ward mamager/sister that day!!! I was told my dad HAD A STROKE his right side had gone!!! Plus that day they put a dols on him again strange!!! Since we now have his records it states a nurse went to see him that morning and he was trying to get out of bed and had movement in all four limbs (strange) He did have movement in all limbs and face was fine also…Anyway his CT scan came back negative strange again, a doctor said on day 11 they were not going to feed him and let him die, strange so soon when you haven’t even given him a chance to recover from you’re so called stroke??? The consultant tried to also convince me he had another stroke, he said right i will give your dad an UNOFFICIAL drink test so he did, dad took the cup and drank it all, strange again…They would not allow him to get out of bed, since we have had the medical report we found the consultant said dad was bedbound before entering hospital!!! NO HE WAS NOT!!! By now my sisters and mum knew something was going on as far as we are concerned they tried to Euthenise him as soon as he arrived! Long story short they sent someone who had aspirated by mistake under my dads name for a scan, strange, they overloaded him with fluid we have pics and set up the machine wrong also, they tried to get my sister and i on an order to to be able to get in to see him, we tried to get him home they kept putting it off, no one help the 4 people involved with dad were vile knew what they were planning from the start!!! YES dad died 11 weeks later he fought so hard and begged to go home, he was not suffering or in pain!!! My mother died shortly after as a direct result and it has killed my sisters and! I found a nurse from legal papers online who had worked on that ward and in court said they were overloading, dehydrating and she used the words k*lling patients! She was a nurse for 10 years, she had a court case against the hospital 3 years before dad died! I contacted her and we met…She broke down crying telling me she was sorry and she had tried to stop it but got fired and was called a whistleblower! Explain that to me? I feel guilt every single day from not saving my father from the very people who should have helped him but instead ended both my parents lives!!! There is so much more to this and evidence and no one will do anything…No Justice!
OMG caroline0711,
I am heartbroken for you. Went through something similar at the hosp when my mum was in.
Can I ask how did you manage to get the records as this may be something I will try to do
Deborah x
@seychelles
Hello,
Look at www.gov.uk …how to make a freedom of information request. This will help you.
Best wishes.
Ellen3
Thank you so much for this. It is something I hadn’t thought of.
Deborah x
Hi Ellen
Just had a quick look but nothing comes up relevant to getting records for my mum whilst at the hospital. I also live in Wales so put that in search but again nothing relevant.
Is this something you have done ?
Deborah x
@seychelles
Hello,
I dont know much about proceses in Wales but these links should take you to the right place.
NHS Wales Shared Partnership.
It says:
FOI requests should be sent to Tim Knifton, Information Governancd Manager.
Email : shared.services@wales.nhs.uk
Tel : 02920902272
Best wishes.
Hi Ellen3.
I just found something for Wales and have emailed them Thank you so much for first of all pointing me in the right direction and for following it up for me . Yes I am living in Wales so needed the info for Wales.
At some point I am going to write a letter to NHS about my mums treatment and the communication at all levels, the withdrawal of food etc the list goes on to be honest . I am going to try to find out what the records say before writing to them though.
Nothing will bring my mum back but it may help me and i feel I owe it to her to do or say or write something
How are you ?
Deborah x
Hi
I think l means this before but l know all hospitals have advocates who are independent from the NHS . They could support you to get justice for your love one.
In my are Yorkshire it’s cloverleaf advocacy they are a charitable organisation and are trained in Mental Health Act, medical negligence and the care act. Xx
Dear everyone 
Just a little reply. Firstly thank you for all that is being shared here in words to offer understanding and support as we go through all we are all going through. I’m planning to read all your latest messages/ comments here VERY SOON, but I’ve been a bit unwell and just sunk so low and depressed and tearful daily. But I’m going to read all your words tomorrow very, and properly reply. It’s so amazing how we’re all sharing our words, stories, etc. It’s important. My apologies as ever but this is just a quick rushed reply. I’ll update properly soon. take care everyone. I’ve just sunk bad. I remain in total disbelief. But I’m glad that I had dreams a few days ago and my mum came to me in one dream it was just amazing. And in another dream my dad was there. I forget what happened in my dad’s dream, silly me I forgot to jot it down what happened or what was said. But I remember my mum’s dream so well. Then I woke up to the reality. Anyways, I’m waffling as ever… I’ll reply soon, take care for now Cordy 
x
Hi Seychelles, we just went to the desk at the hospital, it was my sister that took care of that so i am unsure of the whole process sorry
Thanks caroline0711,
I emailed somewhere today that told me to get in touch with the actual health board my mum was. Will tryt o do it tom
Thanks so much for your help
Deborah x
Hello everyone Just to say what I write below might be very distressing or triggering for your own grief and I really, sincerely don’t want to make anyone feel worse due to reading my own words below, re my anger and what I eventually want to accuse the hospital ward of, and take to the Ombudsman once the hospital have investigated the various aspects of my complaint. So honestly, please don’t feel you need to read on etc or reply. I just know I must keep updating on here for myself. The formal Complaint process will doubtless take months 
Here goes:
Yesterday finally I worded my Complaint to the (hell hole) hospital (that killed off my dad.) Obviously in this complaint I’m not (yet) directly accusing the hospital ward of that immediately. It’s a tricky thing with complaints, because my complaint and the response the hospital give to each aspect of my complaint will hopefully eventually reveal that what they did to my poor ole dad was allow him to decline (on purpose), then (conveniently) put him on the pathway of thirst and starvation for many days until they’d killed him off. The hospital ward also conveniently slapped on a Deprivation of Liberty conveniently in order to (conveniently) deny him his legal rights, his human rights, essentially his wish and ongoing request to be allowed to return home (to die, but in fact he would have lived - long story which I can’t explain all here. But I know my dad was euthanised, before his time, and it’s an all too common practice for many frail, elderly, vulnerable. The ward staff treated me like I was nobody and I was powerless (I wish I’d had Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare, but sadly the forms had been indoors for months unsigned, so I was a nobody. Despite having been my dad’s Carer and beloved daughter for many years.)
So, I’ve just got to edit the words a bit and send it off via email to PALS at the hospital.
Obviously I have to be careful not to reveal all my evidence I have against the ward - because if they deny ie not uphold each aspect of my complaint, I can then state my evidence at the next stage of the Complaint process which is the Ombudsman, or my MP.
Yes the hospital will aim to worm their way out of everything they are accused of. I know my complaint process will be long, hard and painful. But for anyone doing a complaint, I advise, don’t be drawn into any verbal communication or discussion - ONLY get them to respond in writing to you. In writing ONLY. If they want to ask you more about your complaint or experience, DON’T be tricked into having chats with their (legally trained) managers etc . It’s a ploy to put you off your complaint. Just say, “please respond to my complaint or anything relating to my complaint, in writing only” …because the hospital’s written words are what you can then take to the Ombudsman.
We must all be strong and resilient in our decision to make a Formal Complaint. Keep believing in your complaint and don’t be put off. Request full answers.
Yes, I could just write "I wish to formally complain that the ward staff murdered my dad, by putting him on a pathway of decline, stopping his usual medications that kept him alive, allowing him to decline, then unnecessarily giving him morphine (despite him not being in pain) in order that he loses his ability to swallow, thereby putting him on a convenient death pathway of thirst and starvation i.e., days of torture and suffering for my poor ole dad.
But instead I’m wording my complaint a bit more carefully. I do not want to immediately reveal all my cards as to what I intend to accuse the hospital ward of doing (and I do intend to go public in the future - God give me strength). Unfortunately for me my complaint has many aspects to it. So I’ve numbered each aspect. It’s vital the hospital respond in writing to EACH aspect of my complaint.
I’m obviously feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. I have declined with depression and even my own immunity and strength feels so weak. I cannot see myself moving on from my daily torturous grief, upset, anger, exhaustion. Not for a long while if ever.
(BTW, I’d be happy to show the final wording of my complaint in a private message if anyone wants to see how I’ve worded it. )
Do not be scared to Complain. Ensure you label your letter/ email: FORMAL Complaint.
Ensure you write "please send me a copy of your official complaints procedure (showing the potential timeline of how long they’ve got to investigate etc), and demand they immediately acknowledge this complaint (formal complaint) in writing to me (via letter or email - state your preference - I am asking for in email, which I’ll print off and put in a folder).
BELIEVE in your complaint. Don’t be put off.
GET some answers
Sending strength and resilience to all of us who are having to write complaints.
Best wishes Cordy
Hi
Just to let you know DOLs means you have rights to appeal under the mental capacity act xx
Hello Jeanine
Yes you are absolutely right
Unfortunately for me and my dad, I did everything but could get nowhere. I even had a friend who worked in another council DOL safeguarding department who advised as far as he could. So I’ve now got to put in a formal complaint at the council Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding office and ask / complain WHY they did not or could not safeguard my dad’s liberty and his wish to return home etc.
My dad was getting frailer on the ward the way he was treated, and I just feel the DOL safeguarding process didn’t happen fast enough.
It was all so complex. And also why I was not allowed to be my dad’s representive I believe. I tried to get solicitor too, and that all went nowhere. I wanted to go to court of protection or appeal. Everything just went quiet. I could get no answers nor any point of contact.
Anyways yes you’re right, and in theory DOL safeguarding should be put in place. Or some protocol procedure. I am still trying to find out what went wrong for my dad. He didn’t lack capacity, he was drugged by the ward
Best wishes for now to us all on here x 
They put my dad a DOL on my dad not to help him just so we could not take him home…He went in able to eat etc and over time he was starved and could not stand anymore he was drugged also