I’ve been widowed for a year and my journey has been an interesting one to day the least. I have gone through so much but feel I’m now getting my life back. Not the old one of course. I never thought it possible to breathe again but slowly I am.
I’ve fought many battles to just be able to grieve in my own way, away from societal pressures and cliched telling me to move on.
Do you feel you’ve been able to grieve authentically?
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Hi there, my journey has also been just over a year. Yes I agree with you I also feel as if I am getting a life although not one I would have chosen. I continued with the same interests/hobbies that we did together and did enjoy some of those times although they are always tinged with sadness. I can agree with you as I also chose to grieve in my own way. I found I didn’t need people around me all the times, I didn’t want to stay with family members or have them stay with me. I had to learn to adapt to what life was about to throw at me and not rely on others. No one has told me to move on but I was told in the very early days that time would heal. Has it, I don’t know, is what I feel now a sort of healing.
I would say at times I am depressed and full of grief and sadness, yet at other times I can smile and now beginning to socialise much better. In the early days I would run from groups, even when I knew them well. So I suppose that’s a small step forward. Yes I can say I am grieving in my own way.
My husbands family helped me, you see not one of them have been in touch since his funeral. I have written, sent e-mails and phone calls and their attitude has actually made me stronger. I never wanted to be needy or a burden to anyone, perhaps this is what they feared but I am going it alone and found I have no need of them after all.
Good luck to you.
xxx
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I think it so important to see grief as a process. Now that does not make it any the easier. But it is, and it’s natures way of relieving stress at such an awful time. It may not seem that way and it’s often some time after that we realise it. Crying, doing anything to express emotions can only be good. If we can find a routine for ourselves and stick with it that can help too. Does time heal? It’s a strange theory but partly true. Time is bound to carry some sort of message. Memories do fade a little. Life becomes more bearable, but, (there’s always a but!!), how much time? This is very much a personal thing and there is no way to judge how long. Everyone has their own time clock. ‘Move on’. ‘Look ahead’. ‘Have hope’ are all meaningless unless we understand the workings of grief.
dsillah . Your post is encouraging and it’s just what we need here. You are sure in the right place. Now don’t go away. We can always listen to encouraging posts. Thanks for yours. John.
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I agree with what you have said, my husband died very suddenly on our holiday eight months ago and yes you have to grieve and move on in your own way whatever seems right for you, no one can tell you how, or when to grieve our emotions are so personal and special just as we are individuals, and as for time will make it easier, I don’t think anyone can or should ever say theses words, as I am still and always will be heartbroken, I feel like half of me has gone in my head I still hear him around the house his laughter, his jokes such a funny lovely kind hearted man always wore his heart on his sleeve so emotional, but he was the love of my life and always will be bless him.
People move on with life and we are trying so hard to do the same but it’s like being reborn and not knowing who you are and struggling to find your way along this winding road, I’m sure we will all make it but we all will have our own template we just have to find it, sorry for rambling on Annie
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You’re not rambling on at all Anne. It’s so important that we are given the space just to speak when you consider how much we keeping and how many words aren’t actually spoken. It’s a tough place to be. It’s the ‘suddenly’ that feels so difficult.
I asked the question really because I found with a little research that I have done, so many people seem to feel guilty about their grief. I was very clear from the onset that I was not going to fit into anyone’s box and grieve according to an experience that they hadn’t even had. I find it really encouraging that we are all confident enough for want of a better word, to grieve in our own way. Thank you so much for replying.
Dilys x
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Hello
The only guilt if you can call it that I s that I couldn’t save Chris, I did mouth to mouth and CPR, but couldn’t bring no him back as he had a cardiac arrest, well we think that what happened still waiting on the results of tests on him as we were in Jamaica and they that months to get the results so it’s a waiting game, but then I think we’ll he was such a clever and funny guy that itv he had been 100 percent with all his faculties Chris wouldn’t have wanted to survive this, he was said if he was on life support and he wouldn’t have been whole switch me off, Chris was a very positive human being when he walked in a room people were just attracted to him he had such a big heart and personality, he always said if I died tomorrow I’ve had an amazing life and he was only 54, I don’t know l have to life on for me and Chris because I know he’s watching over me.
Annie
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He sounds so amazing. The guilt thing is a tough one and I guess it’s natural but has to be rationalised at some point. Clearly you had an amazing union and you knew his heart and mind so didn’t have to second guess his wishes. He told you that his life would’ve been amazing he were to pass away… I think they were all answers he was giving you not to feel guilt if he wasn’t he. What I see is a man who loved his wife and wanted to leave nothing but blessings and love behind, no guilt. For him, he can rest knowing the life he was so proud of and enjoyed so much was because it was shared with you… x
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So sorry I couldn’t respond yesterday! Was having problems pushing so gave up!
You’re so right about grief being a journey and it’s this part we often try to circumvent or expedite, usually to tick the boxes others give us for an experience they’ve never had.
I’m so glad that we the bereaved are getting this so that we don’t hamper our healing process.
I laughed at the last paragraph of your message! Lol
You’re pretty cool people so I’ll be sticking around 
Dilys x
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You’re an amazing lady! You could really be a great source of inspiration to others walking this walk.
I had horrendous issues with my husband’s family, so much so I ended up writing a book on my experience and how we can better support those on the grief journey. I had it published on the anniversary of his passing, 21 January 2020.
It’s amazing what we can achieve under intense pressure and pain.
Bless you
Dilys x
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Thank you Dilys your words are comforting and beautiful I really appreciate the time you have taken to find such lovely words to send to me.
Annue
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Of course Pat is a lovely lady. She has helped and inspired me often. She knows that she and I are perfect in every way. (Sorry, private joke). We are not sprouting wings yet but are high on the list for our incarnation as Angels. Watch this space. 
Have we got big heads? of course not, what a suggestion!!!
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I’m not coping at all and just keep reliving my partner dying before my eyes and now his sister has said I’m not welcome at his funeral. He was only 51 and passed away on Boxing Day
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My pleasure my dear. I only say what I feel and see 
Hahahahaha!!! I’m in good company then 
I’m so sorry to hear this and very sorry for your loss. It’s a tough time so please take it a moment at a time. There’s a lot to manage especially if the family are nasty like my in-laws. There’s so much to say on the issue that I don’t even know where to start. Please consider some emotional health support like counselling; it literally saved me and I am a qualified coach! I never felt I had to manage this colossal loss on my own. If you’re not able to do that, we’re here. Sending you hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
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I’m sorry Carltonvpl that his family are treating you like this. My partners family did the same they only told me where the funeral was hours before it happened knowing I was too far away to get there in time. I think maybe they are pushing there own guilt onto me as family seem to blame partners for some reason, I have no idea why as we were the ones looking after them.
Instead I said goodbye my own way. I lit a candle in a church and said a poem. Just do what feels best for you at this time. It hurts but you know you love them.
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I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a terrible situation. I’m not sure they can stop you being at the funeral, could you not have a word with another member of the family or the church if it’s local.
Otherwise take heart that your loved one will be with you on this day and do as Rosie so wisely suggests. Have you your own family members that can join you or approach a local vicar and ask for help at such a time. I didn’t want to go to my husbands cremation I wanted to go somewhere special to us and be alone with him. On second thoughts perhaps being among his unfriendly family would not make it a pleasant day for you. So make it your own special day to remember.
Good luck to you
Pat xxx
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Dilys, well done on writing that book, I’m sure there are many on this forum that could have supplied you with horror stories about how they have been treated. Do you fancy writing a second edition. you will get plenty of help from this forum. How can I get hold of a copy as I want to send it to my husbands daughters. They totally ignored me both before their fathers funeral, during and afterwards although I have written (nice) letters, phone calls and made offers to them and began to feel as if I was pleading, which I don’t usually do. But their hard hearts couldn’t be melted. Fortunately they have caused me no problems except to ignore me completely and I thought we was friends with never a cross word in thirty years. It does cause psychological problems though as you begin to doubt yourself and wonder if you are really such a horrid person and what have you done so terrible.
Bless xxx
Pat
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Hi John how do you manage to be so inspiring and yet make me laugh as well as cry. I think that for me time has taught me how to cope although some days I feel as if I’ve taken a terrible tumble but like when a child we would be picked up off the ground, grizzle and in my case my mother would tell me to shut up moaning it would get better and it did, the next day forgotten and you waited for another fall.
Of course we haven’t got big heads!!! what a thing to say, we can’t help it if we are perfect.
Yes agree, we need some encouraging posts.
Pat xxx
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It’s so terrible isn’t it? In the book I include stories of four other women.
I talk a lot about how people change and why it’s so important to show compassion to those grieving. I still find it unbelievable that people can be so bloody heartless.
The book is called ‘Not This Widow’ and it’s on Amazon.