Hi John can honestly say I have also felt like getting away from civilisation but my thoughts haven’t led to a mud hut, but not a bad thought. I have visualised a little log cabin in the mountains. I can’t walk away completely as I have my beloved dogs to think about… If I hadn’t got them I would probably back pack around the Greek Islands (spent a lot of time around Greece with Brian).
Yes agree about someone trying to make a few bucks that is why I am dreading some damage with this wind. Call a workman out and they would see this poor (old) lady that he could try and fleece. I would be seen as an easy touch. Don’t think so.!!!
I am not a patient person at all but it is a challenge growing veg and I like a challenge. It’s also proved to be therapeutic. I hated retirement and was a lost soul but when the allotment came along, it gave me something to focus on again and now it has proved to be a lifesaver. Plus it’s nice to look at all your home grown veg on your dinner plate. Carrots, leeks, broccoli, sprouts today all grown by me. It gives a sense of accomplishing something. Feeling like a caged animal today, not being able to go out in this wind. So not a happy bunny…
Love Pat xxx
I’m going away in just under three weeks. Travel helps my mental health immensely though when I hit a dip I will shut myself away for days. Better now… the beginning was HELL!
I was watching an old film the other day, it was set on an island in Scotland. It looked like the kind of place where you could breathe and hardly any people
That would be like where I live 
Colin came from London to be with me in Scotland he used to call our Village sleepy hollow it is so quiet and peaceful and totally different from the hustle and bustle he was used to but he loved the slower pace of life.
Dear AndyTJ I have just read your post and very much relate to it. I went back to work in July after losing my partner in May and I have been off work a couple of times since on the sick. One being the weekend just gone. The thing is my boss keeps wanting me to use up my holidays before end of March and I keep saying to him why would I want holidays when there are 4 days in a week that I don’t work. They just stress me out. I had a Saturday off 2 or 3 weeks ago and I told him I cried for most of the day. But having said that, being at work is also stressful because as you say work colleagues are planning holidays or talking about where they have been and whatever we will be doing will be horrible compared to what we used to do. You say you look forward to a new day, which is when my anxiety is at its worst. I look forward to going to sleep at night in the hope of peacefully passing away to be with my Alan but unfortunately I seem to keep waking up to another dreaded day. I too got excited and looked forward to our holidays as we had a motorhome so just got up and went where the weather was warmest or driest and moved on about every 3 days. Free as a bird. I had Fleetwood Mac’s Albatross played going into the church for Alans funeral as that reminds me of the same thing flying high in the sky, free as a bird. Everything is wrong and everything is pointless, but that isn’t self pity its the love you had for your Andy and the love he had for you. I think that is one of the hard facts of life that your work colleagues still have their same life and ours have changed. But one day it will be their turn to go on this terrible journey none of us wanted, and we will be the ones who will have learned how to move on with our lives. Not necessarily liking it but the rawness of the first days, weeks and months, will have passed and their journey will be just beginning. I must try to eat more food this week to give me the strength to go to work as at least it gets me out of the house for 3 days. I keep getting told to go to the doctor as its depression I have got but I don’t want to go down the medication route so keep trying to deal with it myself. Take care of yourself and sending my love. Janet xxx
I don’t look forward to a new day, I see them as being a day nearer to Andy and that’s the only reason why. Birthdays just mean I’m nearer to being with him. As for work I’m asking if I can be redeployed as my job is very stressful and I have a lot of responsibility. I can’t cope with that at the moment. If they come back and say they can’t accommodate me I will be handing in my notice. Which in itself is sad as I am saying goodbye and losing something else. I struggle each day and feel an overwhelming sense of loss each day. I miss him so much. I try to keep busy but always in my thoughts is my longing to be with Andy. I have two photos on my landing of Andy, one I call my sexy photo because of the way he’s looking at me. I say goodnight and tell him I love him every night. Place a kiss on his photo. I would give my life to be with him one more day.
If I didn’t have family I think I would consider moving to somewhere peaceful and remote. Just me and my dog
I don’t even know what to say… I’m back at uni, had to defer my year when my husband passed away. I’ve started back after writing the book and way behind. I’m doing my assignment now and wanted to read it to him like I did before but he’s not in the living room…
Aww still read it out loud. I would, upsetting but read it out loud. Sometimes not knowing what to say is because there isn’t anything to say. Unfortunately some things are what they are (re work for me). I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, unfortunately it will happen to others. Sounds like you have a lot on with uni hope you get on ok
Thank you so much. I do… my face had broken out but I’m nearly done. My tutor said I was doing a good job so that’s given me the confidence to just get on with it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone either… 
Hi Janet, I do think of you often and hope that one day you will find a life once again and as you wisely say not the one we wanted but the one we have now. If you don’t feel happy going to a GP then don’t but do look after yourself. I have found that the worse you feel in yourself then the worse this journey is.
Many a wise word in what you say, we do have to learn to accept and walk forward with our lives. I actually more or less lead exactly the same life I did when Brian was alive. I have kept the interests and hobbies we shared but it is still not the same. I’m not particularly lonely but I do feel alone.
We have something very much in common. I was also going have Fleetwood Mac’s Albatross played at Brian’s funeral. The reason was that he sang in a band and their finishing number for years was Albatross. I thought it fitting, however I found a CD of Brian with the band and at the last minute we changed it to him singing. I wish I could have had Albatross as well but there wasn’t time. Did you hear it over Christmas on the M&S advert. They used it the previous Christmas also. I had to mute the TV everytime they played it, couldn’t stand to hear it.
Make sure you eat well and take care
Pat xxx
My beloved partner’s funeral is today. Breaking my heart that his nasty cruel sister has excluded me. Miss you so much. I will always have memories and our love forever and no one can take that away
You bet no one can take your love away from you and your partner. I have no idea why anyone would want to be so cruel as to exclude you. It should make no difference what their/her feelings were for you but respect for your love for each other should have made it possible for you to attend. Can I suggest that you find somewhere special to you and your partner and spend time there having your own special remembrance. Take some flowers if you wish. I hope you have family of your own who are giving you support. Many of us on the forum are thinking of you.
xxxx
Hi. Carlton.
I’m so sorry to hear that about you being excluded from the funeral. Why? What awful people some are. If it’s in a church you can sit at the back, no one can exclude you from a church. Even in a crematorium it applies.
No, you are so right. However hard they try no one can take away memories. They are entirely our own. It will be painful, but however long it takes it’s your grief and pain. There is no time limit or explanation for individual grief. Be as emotional you want. Don’t suppress the emotions. It’s nature’s way of helping stress.
Now stick with this site. There are many here who have had relatives be unkind and you may get some advice. Our pain is compounded by nasty people who are not aware of the distress they cause.
Take care and look after yourself… Blessings. John.