@nel I totally understand the “walking in fog”. I try explaining to people that it’s like being awake in a never ending nightmare, thar I look at a picture of my darling Sharon, but my brain just shuts down. So weird, so horrible. I’m certain it’s true that no one who hasn’t lost their soul mate simply has no idea.
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I also was advised to use the technique when I had cancer, of setting aside a specific time each day to let the dark thoughts through. It worked for me then as I became less anxious over time but my health improved so I had less to be anxious about.
My worry by using this, which I am doing by pushing thoughts away to be dealt with later, is am I suppressing the grief? Will this come back and be worse to face later?
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I too lost my husband very suddenly at just 52 at the beginning of March. No signs of illness just pains in his back but as a plasterer this was the norm. A call from him at home prompted me to leave work and call my sister who is a nurse to go to him before I could reach home. He had collapsed in the toilet but by the time I got home he was back around and we were on to emergency services. They told us that it could be 3 to 4 hrs so I took the decision to take him to A&E myself wit my sister as support. He seemed fine in the A&E for a while until he had another ‘turn’ where they then moved us to resus. Again, he came around and was talking normally and asking was I ok. The long and short of it is that they blue-lighted us to the cardiac care unit but he went into a massive episode whilst I was sat next to him in the ambulance. I keep trying to remember did I tell him how much I loved him, I am sure he knew after 37 years together.
So I am back in work now at school and they are all so supportive, especially if a moment catches me. My biggest thing at the moment is having to really believe that ‘this did happen’ and he is not around. I am sure that you all have gone through the same feelings. How could this happen ? Were there any signs? Could I have done more ? I think the answer is - there was just nothing anyone could do! So 4 months on - I am not crying and upset all the time - but arriving home is definitely the most difficult part of the day - how are others coping with this ? I guess the now 6 month pup that we bought just two weeks before he died has been a saving grace, along with my supportive sons and family. Just wanted to let you know we are all with you and going through the same,and available to talk xx
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Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss, I understand exactly what you’re going through. Like I said earlier in this thread I am also left with feelings of guilt, could I have done more? Why didn’t I realise he was a having a heart attack? Didn’t seem to be the typical symptoms one
would expect to see. I also have my family to help me make it through each lonely day.I continuously ask myself the same queston:how can this happen? How can you just disappear like that in a matter of minutes? It’s such a relief to be able to relate with everyone here, I don’t know about you, but I have difficulty talking about this with others who haven’t lost a soulmate, they just don’t understand. At home, I don’t want to upset my kids or let them see me crying so we tend not to talk about our feelings. We struggle on, putting on a ‘brave face’,trying to get by the best we can,missing him more and more each day.
I hope you find a little comfort sharing your thoughts here.
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Hello Solost, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother in February 2022. He had a sudden and unexpected heart attack and all attempts to save him failed. (I have not written the full article yet, but, I will soon. I have started several times but never fished it. I just need a bit more time.) We all feel guilty and think that we should have known, or should have done. My mind was busy for several days but I could not find a way how I could have saved him. - I did get a phone call from the coroner’s office and was told that my brother died of a massive heart attack and that there was nothing that could have saved him. - But why do I still feel guilty? - I cannot stop feeling helpless and sad when I think or talk about my brother, but I know that talking helps. Nick
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Thank you for replying, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Losing him so suddenly must have been such a shock for you, I understand how you’re feeling, and as you say, it does help talking about our grief, sharing our feelings all together. Take care.
I lost my husband in the same way 10 weeks ago more less in the same way he went off with a mild heart attack and hope l spoke to him at 10.30 he was happy bright and looking forward to seeing me the hospital called at 3.30 asked me come when l got their he had gone l was broken but l take comfort in the fact that he didn’t know it was coming and wasn’t scared we where very happy l feel no regret or guilt just great loss l get by keeping busy l walk my dog and ride my horse and keep going l don’t say no to any outing in the hope it will one day be ok Barry and l laughed every day and l still do it’s a toxic a distraction the chance to be normal and if anybody asks how l am l say l am putting one foot in front of the other l have to build a new life because the old ones gone
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Hi Janie.
My name is Jeanette and I lost my husband in 2019.
We were also married for just over 40yrs and I met him when I was almost 18. I’m so terribly sorry to hear of your loss and so sudden as well.
I also have family .Two wonderful son’s and four grandchildren who have helped me through my grief. I came on here soon after he died and it has been a great help talking to other’s in the same position as me. In fact today is my wedding anniversary and I go to the crem to take flower’s and look at his entry in the book of remembrance. My thought’s are with you.x
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Thank you for your message. Yesterday was my husband’s funeral, today seems wrong. I’m having a cup of tea without him and don’t know what to do next. Thank God there are people on this site who knows what it’s like. My grown up children have been fantastic, but they can’t understand what it’s like. I’ve lost both my parents, but the grief I felt and feel is not the same. A huge part of me went with my darling husband and I feel so hopeless x
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Dear Janie.
Yes I’ve also lost both parent’s and you are so right the feeling of grief is totally different when you loose your soul mate. They are your other half. You never get over the loss but over 3yrs on I’m in a better place. Weekend’s are the worse if I’ve not planned anything. But I understand it’s too raw for you at the moment. Bless you.x
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Hi JanieM,
It’s 20 weeks since my husband died and it still feels like yesterday to me. Both my parents died over 30 years ago. The grief I feel following the death of my partner is unbearable and I find it hard to believe it has happened. Sending a hug your way.x
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Hi Janie
First few days after funeral seemed to go by in a blur for me. Sorting out pensions etc. It is coming up to 4 months for me and I still feel it every day when I get home and weekends difficult especially when you think about what you both would have been planning. I still look around and say to myself “I can’t believe he’s gone” …to me that is the thing I can’t get over at the moment. I do feel so lonely in the house without his presence so try to keep myself busy. We are all feeling a variety of different feelings and heartache but it is good we all have the opportunity to talk and express our feelings and emotions. As many have said we can’t put a brave face on all of the time…so remember we are here to talk x
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I feel your pain. We were laughing and joking one minute… I was only in the bathroom for 5 minutes and when I went back to dress, he wasn’t breathing. I too had to perform cpr waiting for paramedics and 5 of them worked on him for 40 minutes. He was promoted to glory. I’m traumatised by the whole thing, but I get by focusing on how wonderful it was for him… no pain, a wonderful way to go, but dreadful for those left behind. Without my faith, I would have gone under. Even amongst the grieving, God has filled me with a deep down peace, which I haven’t experienced before, even though I’ve been a Christian all my life. Lean on HIS everlasting arms. 
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My hubby was a sudden death too & I’ve asked before if that is more/less of a shock than having to care thru illness etc. No preparing - just gone.
I wasn’t with him, which I will always regret, but it was out of my hands & accept it was just his time. 
Now 17months on, I feel calmer, more in control, still have my “moments”: tears can appear randomly - I miss him more than words can ever say -. but I need to accept it.
He is out of sight but not out of my heart.
G. X
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As our son says - mum, buckle up for a bumpy ride. You can do it.
G. X
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Hi Helen, I am so sorry for your loss it must have been very traumatic for you and my heart goes out to you.
My husband died after a combination of medical conditions which he had for several years. We knew the end was coming doesn’t make it any easier when it happens .
But like you my faith has grown stronger, I know he has gone to a better place, free of suffering and one day I will see him again. Some days when I’m really sad and lonely I look down and only see one set of footsteps, but I know that’s the time I’m am being carried and that gives me comfort.
Sending love and God bless
Debbie X
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Having experianced both ( my husband was a sudden death and my partner had cancer ) I don’t think there is a difference .The shock of a sudden death stays with you but so does watching someone you love die slowly before your eyes. You can’t prepare yourself for either the pain and the loss is still the same. 17 years on I still have what iff’s but know I couldn’t change the situation . Likewise more recently when Chris died I wished for more time but it wasn’t to be .Grief is tough whichever way .
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@Flossy3 I’m no expert on this, but if it helps: 1) over the years during a challenging childhood I learned that it was down to be to stand up, refuse to be mentally battered, put on an irrepressible face so I came across as loud and confident by simply suppressing anything negative, which internally led to massive panic attacks, nerves etc which I hid for years 2) I met Sharon who was pathologically quiet and as I wrote in our poem “the gobby scared met the quiet scared and together we formed a single soul”, Sharon changed my life and we gave each other the strength and we became quite successful and had a great family 3) Clare Wicks first book helped massively for the physical symptoms of anxiety 4) before Sharon had gone she sneakily arranged for me to have to see my GP (when the surgery was closed) and the hospice consultant joined in, for me to have sessions with a psychiatrist (which someone like me would never do) so after she was gone I’d have help because she knew (and totally understood) that I was going to cease - she didn’t disagree with this and said she totally understood with her only negative point was that our sons would never get over it, but I’ve explained to them that if I ceased it was because they didn’t need me as they are fantastic and independent rather than them being inadequate 5) each day at the moment I carry on 6) the psychiatrist tells me that I’m in shock which is why despite terrible traumatic last 3 years and particularly while living at Sharon’s bedside for 5 months “your brain is protecting you” so you can’t break down (which is what I want, as it’s what I think grief is) 7) his advice is NOT TO TRY TO CRY TO PROVOKE TEARS - BUT NOT TRY TO BOTTLE THOUGHTS UP, but IF they come, take them and LET THEM COME and slowly leak out 8) what he says is impossible at the moment to do, as without trying to do so, whenever anything reminds me of Sharon and our life together (which is everything, all day every day) my brain automatically shuts down so I can’t break, and everything is like being in a waking unreal nightmare 8) physical symptoms such as butterflies, diarrhea, sickness when eating, not sleeping, skin crawling with adrenalin and general anxiety are totally uncontrollable but I read on here they will ease.
So my thoughts, for what it is worth: some people are able able to cry, to break, to release - while others cant; if you are able to choose, then ignore everyone and choose what works for you as only you know your own version of this torture; if you can’t choose what your brain and body does, then try to just live with it, ignore it, and perhaps after time the fear-adrenaline-fear vicious circle will ease.
Long post, sorry for that, and it may be a load of old shoerepairers but I hope that helps…?
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@Solost obviously I can’t understand your torture, but I think this site goes some way to doing so. My brain knew that Sharon was going to pass for almost 3 years, the last 5 months it knew that one day I would have to walk out of the hospice alone, and the last 10 days everyone knew she was close to leaving (although she refused and came back twice from the impossible) - but when she went, to me, to my heart, my soul it was a huge shock, suprise and I simply could not understand she’d gone, I’d never talk with her again, kiss her, hold her and she’d gone.
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Dennis, you use the right word there:“torture”, that’s exactly what it is, whether it happens suddenly or whether you’re expecting it, the shock is so huge, so unbearable for a human being to cope with. I sometimes cry out to God (if there is one), "what’s the point of giving us this life and putting us together to reproduce and let our ‘species’ carry on, when we are suddenly, prematurely deprived of that soulmate we had chosen to do this? I thought we’d grow old together, it’s just so unfair.
I want to say also how well written your previous post was to Flossy3, it’s great to be able to express your feelings that way so explicitly, I’ve always found it hard to do so.
Take care.
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