How can such a solid person die?

My husband was the person everyone in the family looked up to. Tall, handsome and so wise, he was the go-to person for all of us. Yes, he had health issues but they were largely controlled with medication and he never complained, not even when it was obvious he was sometimes in pain. At 81, he seemed no more than 60 in his attitude and love of life. He even liked Sia’s songs! He was funny, loving, caring and would help anyone. He adored us all and we adored him. How then, could such a strong, solid beautiful man be taken, never to be here again? I look at his chair and I can’t believe he will never sit there again. I see his book by the bed and realise that he will never finish it. He will never smile at me again, or give me cuddles. He was everything a woman could wish for, and he died. And I ask myself, WHY?

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Hi AnnR

I agree with you. It just doesnt make sense does it?
My mum was 74, very active, very funny and looked like she had many many years ahead of her. The week before she died we had been putting heavy stones into a garden border with ceramic plant pots and bedding plants. I sat down exhausted and watched my mum finish off. We laughed later about his she would live forever.
A week later she was dead from a brain hemorrhage. This is probably the hardest thing for me. How can someone so full of life be gone?
My partner keeps telling me you are only as strong as your weakest point.
My sister tells me that mum died of natural causes. She didnt get murdered or fall under a bus. None of that helps me though.
Its very hard to come to terms with isnt it x

Oh it is! I don’t know if I ever will truly come to terms with the reason for it. My husband died of a brain haemorrhage too. I am the same age as your Mum was and from my point of view, that is definitely too young to die! I am not being flippant, truly, it’s just that when I read your reply, I thought, OMG, she was my age. That means that you must be a lot younger, and I am so sorry you have lost your beloved Mum who sounded great.
Husband, Mum,Dad, Daughter, whoever it is, so many people are on here tonight thinking just as we are. . . . .why? We are all heartbroken.
Your partner sounds very understanding, and he is perfectly correct about our strength. IGlad you have got him to support you. Thank you for replying, and I wish you all the best. Hugs, Ann

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Hi ann
I was 48 when mum died last year. I still think I am in shock in all honesty.
I thought my mum would go on until she was 90 odd. She was so strong. The backbone of the family. We lost my dad when he was only 53 so mum and I were best friends. I can say now with certainty that I will never come to terms with losing her.
The only thing I’m grateful for is that mum knew nothing about what happened. She said she felt funny on her left side,fell asleep and never woke again. She died the following day completely oblivious. I hope your husband also went peacefully and unaware x

Hi Ann,
You ask a great and thoughtful question. How can an amazing example of a human being, like your husband, Cheryl’s mom, or my dad, or any one else’s loved ones die? Its so permanent.
The suddenness causes incredible trauma - we all have some form of PTSD from it.
My dad was around the same age as you are Ann. He was a healthy fit good looking man (not that it matters). He was still working and his work was important to many people’s lives. Last year, he passed away in his sleep out of the blue. He had been out with my mom and friends that night, had a very fun meal that he had been looking forward to all week. He died on father’s day. My mom asks the same question as you do - why him? Why, she asks, am I being punished?
It feels very much like the fickle finger of the universe landed on the wrong square. Unfortunately, it was our square.
Warmly,
Ell

Hi Cheryl, you were one of the first people to kindly reply to my first post at the beginning of June because my wife’s death was similar to your Mum’s. I can tell that like me, you (and Ann) are having difficulty in processing this unnecessary, unwanted and completely overwhelming event in our lives. Of course we are not alone because most of the people on this site feel the same. It sometimes helps to know that, but not always. It’s good to know that others are there to support us when we’re at our lowest.
Take care, ALx

Hi Al
Unfortunately I am finding it hard to process. When my dad died of a sudden heart attack 22 years ago I was shocked, but not surprised. He had 2 previous heart attacks and was in remission from an aggressive cancer. But my mum looked so well. She had started ageing in thr last 9 months and was getting a bit more tired than previously but apart from that she seemed so fit and well.
Its hard to accept that a bleed on the brain can take them so quickly. Something that you cant see.
My mum just looked asleep when I caught a glimpse of her being wheeled into the hospital from the ambulance.
I hope you are finding things a little easier Al.
Cheryl x

Thank you Cheryl, I agree it’s hard to accept that these things can happen so quickly. It was at lunchtime that my wife collapsed in our bedroom. She was semi conscious as she was taken away in the ambulance but when I was called to the hospital three hours later she was sleeping heavily and remained that way until she passed five hours later. It continues to be quite unbelievable because, like your Mum, she was apparently fit and healthy and full of life.
Sorry, got carried away in my thoughts… I’ll go to sleep now. Goodnight.

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Not at all Al.
It comforts me to ‘compare notes’ as I’m always intrigued to read posts from people who have experienced a loss from a brain hemorrhage. I barely even knew about strokes. No one I knew had ever had one and it was the last thing I thought would take my mum. Now I can see that they strike out of the blue, have no warning signs and can cause such devastation in just minutes.

I feel the same as all of you. How can someone so full of life just be wiped out in an instant.
It’s so hard to process the finality of it. I feel my husband is somewhere, but not dead, I still think he’s coming back ten months on.
Tim was so full of life and had so much energy, he seemed the strongest of all of us, always on the go.
At 56, no one would ever think he would just be suddenly gone. We were laughing the night before, he went out to work and suffered a cardiac arrest and that was it - gone forever.
I don’t think I will ever accept or believe he is actually dead, it’s so final, to think that we will never see him again is torture, there’s no coming back, I just can’t process it. Life is definitely too short. x

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Hi. Thanks for your reply and I am sorry you have lost your Mum. Yes, thankfully my husband was unaware too. He complained of a headache and upset stomach one morning and went for a lie down. He went into a deep sleep which I could see was more like a coma, so I called an ambulance. He went to hospital, never woke up, and died two days later. I was so glad he was not going to have a life of suffering as he would definitely have got worse as time went on. Still find it hard to cope with him not being here though.

Hi Ann,
There is indeed no rhyme nor reason as to why we die when we do. My elder son explains it as just a random act of fate. It’s how he deals with the sudden loss of his dad to whom he was exceptionally close.
My father lived to be 97, having survived the war years and subsequent conflicts when many around him did not survive. he realised he had been fortunate. He also outlived many younger relatives. His sister died aged 28 from a brain haemorrhage.
My sister’s husband died 21 years ago aged just 49 , at home. He had not been ill and dropped dead in front of my sister one Saturday evening.
My husband died while out with our younger son last November, aged 64. He also had not been ill and literally died mid conversation.
I spend a large part of my day wondering about the workings of the world and the random nature of life and death. How good a person is or how well loved and needed they are plays no part in their lifespan and ultimately I feel we have little control over anything. We live, we die. One thing is certain that if a lifespan were measured by how much a person is loved, none of us would be posting on this site.x

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Dear Stephtim,
I am sorry you lost your husband and in particular at such a young age. I read these posts and I sometimes feel guilty for moaning because my husband was 81 and lots of people on here lose people much younger. I feel they might be asking what I have got to moan about after being lucky enough to have him for 57 years. I just feel so confused as to how a person can just be wiped off the face of the earth in a heartbeat. How can they suddenly not be there any more? What was the point of it all?
The trouble is, it doesn’t matter how old or how long the time together, losing the person you loved most in the world hurts so much at any age.

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Dear Jobar,
What a wonderful post. It says, much better than I did, exactly what I am feeling. I particularly loved your last sentence. Thank you so much x

I should also have said how sorry I am for the loss of people you loved, particularly when they were so young. Apologies. X

Hi All. The unanswerable question! Why? Everyone one of us has asked that question, and we may, some day, get a answer for ourselves, but until then best leave it. Our minds are already in turmoil without adding more problems. We can often make our situation worse by pondering such questions. We may all have our own opinions as to what happens after. I see it as a transition rather than a loss. From one dimension to another, but that’s a very personal view. We may all have our theories as to what happens, but none of it really alleviates the pain. Grief is something we have to ‘go through’ rather than ‘get over’. It’s not like the flu. No way!!
Take care and Blessings to all. John.

Dear Ann,
I was talking to my mum yesterday. She is 91 and when my dad died following a fall last year she lost the absolute love of her life. their parents lived in the same road so they had known each other all their lives and were married for 72 years. Although my dad was 97 my mum never expected him to die and still wonders why he did. She just can’t imagine life without him. It just goes to show life is never long enough when you are in love.
Every single one of us suffers from losing the one person we crave and yearn for. We feel so desperately alone but talking to each other keeps us from the awful isolation of grief.
We just help each other as best we can. Take care.x

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Jobar,
One of my colleagues died last november. He ran marathons, ate nothing but superfoods and dudnt have an ounce of fat on him. He had a heart attack while out running and remained on life support for 2 weeks
You are right. There us mo rhymd or reason. It seems that when our time is up it’s up.
We live and we die x

Hi ann
I’m glad your husband didnt suffer. It does seem that brain haemorrhages are a kind way to go for the person who dies. It just leaves those left behind in shock and unable to find to terms with the sudden loss x

Yup, C1971, that that just about sums it up. We had a friend who was only 50 when she died. She ate sensibly. exercised, took care of herself and died from a cardiac arrest in her sleep. My grandmother, who was 101 when she died, the only exercise she ever had was running for a bus! She ate anything put in front of her. Now let’s try and work that one out! When she died the doctor said there was nothing wrong with her. He put ‘senile decay’ on the certificate. When we are born it seems to me we are dealt a hand of cards, and it’s how we play them that determines our fate. A hand of deuces can be a wining hand! I don’t believe in fate. There is a reason for everything, but because we can’t see it does not mean it’s not there.
Take care. John.

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