Hi Ann,
don’t feel guilty, as Jobar says, it doesn’t matter how old they are or how long we’ve been together, it’s never going to be enough.
We were married for thirty years and I wish we had more, just can’t ever accept it, the years ahead without him. We are all feeling exactly the same just devastated .
Steph x
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Thank you Steph x
I think from this that we all realize that while life and health are not in our control, that notion does not change the pain of those left behind. We are not prepared for the moment, no matter the age.
My grandmother lived a long life, just like Jobar’s dad and Jonathan’s grandparent. Yet her son, my dad, did not. She also ate whatever was put in front of her, she was overweight for most of the time that I was old enough to blink my eyes. Never went to a doctor either.
It makes no sense to any of us.
I had a thoughtful conversation with my kids recently, wondering what things would be like if our life spans were 150+. That would mean that MY great grandparents and likely a few great-great grandparents would still be here. That we would know them and have family dinners with them.
I am sorry for everyone’s losses on here.
Steph - I dont believe we have met on the threads before. My father also had a cardiac arrest just like Tim. My mom says all of the same words as you did in your post. After I got the call and my husband was driving me to my parent’s house that day, I just kept thinking and probably muttering out loud, that the universe took the wrong person - it made a mistake.
The suddenness for all of us on here is probably why we are always posting and reading. I wish that I could offer something more than words.
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Hi Ell,
We haven’t met on the threads before, but I have read your posts at the heartbreak of losing your dad. The loss effects everyone’s whole lives, everything changes in a split second, our futures and everything we do in life is going to be tinged with constant sadness.
I’ve got three daughters and they miss their dad so much, my second daughter is expecting a baby in February and the thought of Tim never seeing his new grandchild breaks my heart.
So sorry you lost your dad and your children losing their grandad. Life is very cruel .
If only we could turn back time .
Steph x
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Hi Steph,
Thank you.
We miss them and all that they will miss in life.
I am sorry for you and your entire family. For your daughter, I can not imagine being pregnant while going through the pain of grief. Sending strength to all of you.
Being 14 months in now, I can confirm what other grievers have posted, that the pain that you feel does level off. Somehow you cope with the shock. I can see my mom, for example, she just looks better, her skin or eyes or something. She still cries every day but the shock subsides.
Ell
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It seems the common thread on here is being unable to accept they are gone. One minute here. The next they are not. I visited mum in the chapel of rest to try and get some closure. As I just thought maybe she was just in a deep sleep. If I call her name loud enough she will wake up. When I got there and saw her. I still cannot connect my mum to a person that is dead. To that person in the coffin. Even now a part of my brain will not accept it. I keep thinking. Where are you?
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Hi Jooles,
I absolutely agree with you. Neither my husbands funeral nor seeing him in the chapel of rest gave me a sense of closure. I remember arriving at the crematorium thinking what am I here for and was expecting my husband to be waiting for us when we arrived at the ‘wake’. He always had boundless energy and I couldn’t relate his body to the man I had known and loved. Bizarrely I didn’t cry at the funeral or in the chapel of rest. I was numb with shock and remain so to this day. I was the only one not sobbing . Because I don’t cry I must come across as very peculiar but inside I am broken beyond repair. Sudden death is brutal in the extreme but even when expected the finality of death can never be anticipated. It floors each and every one of us.x
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I think they are common emotions Jobar. I looked at mums coffin at the funeral and thought. She’s not there. It’s not her. I cried for a bit then was numb. I was numb on the day she died. Only crying when her pulse stopped.
It’s been said many a time. You don’t need to cry to grieve someone. Everyone is different.
Death still completely mystifies me. I wonder why. Why is it so hard to accept. Mum was sitting up in her hospital bed eating ice cream. Then she’s gone.
I also visited Tim in the chapel of rest everyday for a week and still think he’s going to walk through the door, I just can’t understand how I feel like this, why can’t we process it.
It seems a lot of us feel this way, maybe it would be easier if we could accept it. But I know I never will.
We just have to get used to them not being here . x
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I can’t get my head round the finality of it. Maybe it’s against all our human instincts. Forever. Infinity. Maybe our brains can’t accept the concept.
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Hi Ell,
Thanks for your lovely message, it’s nice to hear that maybe in time the shock does lessen, I’m still in shock after ten months, but it’s not the rawness anymore.
I understand when you say you can see the difference in your mums face, as time goes by hopefully the shock and disbelief will subside.
Thank you x
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You’re so right, it’s just the feeling that this is forever, there’s no coming back from this, their lives are over forever, it’s so hard to think like that. x
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Yes definitely, when I think of mums last breath. That was it. Over. And even then when I watched her die. I still didn’t understand it would be like this
It’s so hard to process it all .
How is your dad doing Jooles? x
He’s ok Steph. He’s moving near to me here in Cornwall. Such a relief. He is someone who hides his feelings though so no idea what he’s like behind closed doors. It was mums first year anniversary last week. We had a good cry together.
How are you and your family doing Steph. I know it’s only 10 months. And the anniversary is looming.
I’m so pleased he’s moving nearer to you, it’s so hard when they’re miles away.
It must of been very hard for you both last week, can’t believe how the time has flown, it’s hard knowing we haven’t seen them for that length of time.
I’m dreading November, the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about it constantly, we’re getting through day by day, but as you know it’s just so hard.
How are you coping now? x
I remember the day of mums funeral, my partner,my brother in law my nephew and someone from the funeral directors, carrying mums coffin into the crematorium. I just stared and thought, oh no. Mum will be mortified that they are carrying her. She would have hated it.
I also recall staring at the coffin inside the crematorium and thinking the lid was going to lift up and mum was going to stand up and say ‘ta da!’ Its all been a joke.
It was just unreal and remains so 14 months down the line x
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Hi Jooles. Well of course the reason you feel that way is because she is not there. I have visited my wives grave in the local churchyard but twice in twenty months. She is not there and I know that. It’s just a shell there. The real person has moved on. Some think I should go more often but why? What possible difference would it make? You may have had an insight into the truth. ‘Where are you’? Yes I know. But I do feel I know where my wife is, and wheresoever that is, she most certainly is in my heart.
It’s there that we make contact because love can never be lost or disturbed in any way, not even by death.
Good to talk to you Jooles. Take care. John.
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It was hard but I’m finding it harder this week. I think after the first year, you’re just left with the deep sadness of how long it’s been since you last seen them. But it is less raw I guess. Agroup of us went to the Isle of Wight where mums ashes are scattered for mums anniversary it definitely helped being around people
Thank you John. X