It’s so hard, the more time moves on, the deeper the sadness becomes. And as each day passes, it is further away from seeing them, and that hurts.
Glad you managed to get together for your mums anniversary. x
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Hi Jooles
I live on the Isle of Wight and and a keen walker so if you can or wish to tell me whereabouts you have scattered your Mum’s ashes I will remember her when I pass that way and say hello Jooles Mum.
I am so pleased that you managed to get your father to move nearer to you. I believe he was reluctant at first. It must be a relief for you.
Take care
Pat
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Hi there
These have been some really interesting replies from some of you and you have helped me so much. I thought there was something wrong with me and it has been on my mind since Brian died.
I was nursing my husband at home and he died in the early hours of the morning with only me with him. I heard him take his last breath and washed and made him comfortable (if that makes sense), only then did I lie beside him realising what had happened. After that it was people coming and going and I can remember being so composed throughout the day. I kept him at home until late that night so I had my time with him and didn’t want to see him again. It was no longer my husband. It was all so surreal. I even took the dogs for a walk. The funeral was also unreal. I didn’t connect him with the coffin. He wasn’t there, I could feel no connection. A tape of him singing was played so he was near as far as I was concerned and I was so proud of him. I remember during the service staring at the wreaths and there wasn’t supposed to be any except from me and that was a small one of wild flowers (which he loved). It was supposed to be donations. However there was a huge flower arrangement from some of his family, beautifully made but I remember thinking how Brian would have hated it. He didn’t like anything like that. How stupid to be having these thoughts at his funeral. I remember kissing the side of the coffin and then going outside to greet the mourners. I have no idea where all that composure came from. I was in a sort of dream going through the motions. Now I know I wasn’t on my own, that some you had the same emotions. Many thanks
Pat xx
Pat
I look back and wonder how I got through the funeral. How any of us got through?
I have beaten myself up by not being with my mum when she passed and after she passed but your post says it all. They are no longer there.
I dont believe my mum was there for 24 hours before she officially died. My sister sat with her for the 28 hours she was in a coma after her brain hemorrhage and she said to me after a few hours, it’s not mum. She isnt there anymore. I truly believe my mum died minutes after her brain hemorrhage and it has helped reading the posts on this thread x
Thanks. I agree these posts have also helped me to understand and know that there was many of us that felt exactly the same.
Pat
Hello C1971
I was interested to see that you don’t believe your Mum was there for several hours before she died. I felt exactly the same way about my husband. There was his body, it was still in the hospital bed but to me, it didn’t seem like him at all. I thought it was me, that the grief was reacting on me but now I see that I am not the only one. Prior to his collapse, when he slept, he was still completely there and I would look at him and it would be fine. When he died, it was almost like looking at a model of him - his essence had gone. I like to think that essence of him is now in my heart instead.
Hi Bristles, It must be comforting to believe in the afterlife, and each day you’re a day nearer to seeing your wife.
For me every day is further away, I’m a non believer and don’t see how my husband can be in a better place, away from his children and grandchildren whom he adored. But as you said, each to their own.
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Hi ann
When my mum first had her brain hemorrhage my sister,who was with her all the time, told me, that mum just looked asleep. A few hours later my sister said mum looks different like she has gone. She described her face as sunken and her body without life, even though she was officially still alive.
It does help me to think my mum went very quickly and also helps when I get a guilt attack that I didnt sit with mum. I just didnt want my last memories to gd like that when we had been laughing together just a couple of hours earlier x
I accept we all die, there’s no escaping it, but when we lose someone far too young that is when it’s too hard to accept.
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Hi,
I wasn’t allowed to stay for the night at the hospital. i had been there already for a night and a day and the nurses sent me home saying I would collapse if I didn’t get some rest. Tony passed away that night and I have a feeling he waited until I had gone as he would never have wanted me to see him die.
Your sister is right about how the look changes but my experience was a little different. When I left him to go home, he looked strained and in pain, although he was not conscious so I don’t think he could have felt pain. I hope not. However, when I saw him after he died, he looked relaxed and peaceful.
Whatever the end is like, those who are left are just broken and devastated, which is not what our loved ones would want. But how can we not be devastated? Our whole life has crumpled in an instant.
Someone once told me that some people we meet touch our lives and are quickly forgotten. Others come into our lives and stay, and we are never, ever, the same.
My heart goes out to everyone who feels as I do right now.
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Ann. You described my exact words to my dad. When mum died I said “her essence has gone”. I said goodbye to her then ran out of the hospital as I could not bear to see her like that. Her lovely sparkly smily face. Her lovely eyes. Her lovely complexion. All gone. No longer my mum.
Patt that’s so lovely of you mums at Shanklin beach. At the end bit near the Steamer Pub. When we went there last week we threw yellow roses into the sea. Then went for a coffee and cake at the Steamer and a Robin came and sat at our table!!! I kid you not!!! We all sat there with our mouths open wide. It’s only the second time I have seen a robin since mum died. The day after she died and on her anniversary last week. And yes Dads coming to live near me at the end of my road. So relieved. He is really looking forward to it.
So glad we all feel the same. See we are not going crazy
I agree with you that death is devastating at any age, I’m so sorry for your losses, I’ve also lost family of different ages too. I’m angry at why my husband was taken away so young.
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I think when loved ones die and are young there is a lot of anger for those left to cope with the loss . The sadness is the same regardless of age. As we have said Grief is grief. Love is love no matter how old they are . But anger I would say is more prevalent when someone is taken far too soon. I get that a little with mum being 70. But also remind myself I had her for 45 years. But just angry for her because it’s still pretty young to lose your life and she was no way ready and still working. But those in there 50’s 60’s and younger is just not fair.
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You’re right in what you say, anger is a main part of grief when someone dies young, angry for their lost years ahead of them. 70 is young too, my mum’s 70, and is full of energy. Life is so unfair when people are snatched away, so full of life, with much more to give and live for, i just feel bitter and angry inside, and hate how everyone is suffering on here. x
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Hi Jooles,
I agree with you about sadness being common to all grief, with age and relationship being immaterial as to its intensity.
Shock and anger are an unusual reaction to the ending of a long life well lived, whereas to a life cut short suddenly or traumatically I would maintain they are inevitable emotions. We all know these are negatives but I defy anyone who has experienced such a loss not to feel this way.
I understand why you are angry on behalf of your mum who was needed and still had so much to give. I am plain furious on behalf of my husband and rant every day about the unfairness of life. X
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Your letter made me cry so much , it could have been me writing it .my husband passed the last day of March ,he was also 82, I nursed him for 5 yrs , the last two he was bedridden , I had to do everything for him but I did it because I loved him so much ,he had Lewy Body Dementia it took every thing away from him little by little ,it was painful to watch your loved one going through it all. Like your husband he never once complained and even managed a joke with his carers who came 3times a day .i vowed he would never go into a nursing home , and kept to my word , I had to bring him downstairs because I was crawling up n down them on my knees . He only lasted 8 days after bringing him down . I was sleeping on the settee in the same room ,but I would do it all again . I miss him so so much , we were just under two months away from our 60th Wedding Anniversary , I thought we would make it but it wasn’t to be ,oh did I cry on that day , I can’t believe I won’t ever see him again , we were soul mates . Every morning I wake up to the realisation that he’s not here and won’t ever be again , life is so cruel to part us like this , I still talk to him but there’s no reply , I just want to be where he is My heart has broken Where is he…I want him back !
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Hi Steph and Bristles,
I found your back and forth to echo the struggle that I have felt during the past 14 months.
The first thing I said to my dad when I saw his lifeless self was “I will see you in 40 years”. Later that day I told my mom that this was going to get harder the further in time we are from now because to our minds - we just saw him yesterday at that point. 10 months, like where Steph is, its been 10 months without the person who puts you as number one in life. Thats much longer than yesterday.
As I wobble through this journey, jumping between the thoughts of its been 14 months for us to the thoughts of I have 39 more years (just a guess). I both add and subtract.
The after world / life is elusive. If we knew for sure, grief might feel differently.
I hope Bristles is right!
In the meantime - we are here for each other.
Much love to all
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Jobar you have hit the nail on the head. It’s not even about how long I had her for. It’s my poor mum I feel sorry for. Who hadn’t even retired. Who planned to live by the sea. Who loved going on her little holidays away and still was so active. So I know it must be even harder when they are even younger. I think a good rant is needed. ITS NOT FAIR!!!
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I know AnnR and I wouldn’t go back to those early days for anything. Even though I’m getting further away from mum those early days bring me to tears when I think of the trauma I went through. My mum was my world along with my partner and daughter. X
I so agree jooles. My mum had written in her diary that she was picking up my daughter from school the following week. She still had plans. She thought her operation was just a blip with a weeks recovery and then back to normal life.
We were going on a cruise together when I retire in 5 years. She was only going to be 80 when I retired and we were going to have a knees up. Her life has been cut short.
I feel so much for the people on this site who have lost people younger. Because I cant cope that my mum was only 74 