How do I face the future without my beloved husband

My husband was my soulmate. We were inseparable, only spending 2 nights apart in 33 years, until he was hospitalised for 2 weeks on 18th February, following tests for what we thought was a pulled muscle from lifting furniture. The diagnosis was colon/rectal primary cancer, secondary in the liver and both lungs. How had he not had any symptoms? I just don’t understand. The shock for me was so bad, I passed out 4 times in 5 minutes, vomiting violently and ended up in A & E, whereby I was discharged after it was realised it was caused by shock.
My Pete contracted an infection whilst in hospital, then got Covid in there. He finally came home to me on 4th March. On the 16th March we were told he couldn’t have any treatment, ‘go home, you have about 2 weeks, 3 months at the very longest. THERE. IS. NOTHING. WE. CAN. DO.’ The Oncologist was brutal, no sympathy or empathy. We went home, where we muddled through with the help of the local hospice. Pete’s deterioration was rapid, and the haemmorrhoids he developed in hospital got so bad he struggled to walk. I nursed him alone, bathing & toileting and everything else, including holding him as close as I could. I finally gave in and asked for physical help on 5th May. On 7th May at 12pm Pete was moved from our bed to a hospital bed in the lounge…he was fully aware of what was happening, our family were all with us, and we all talked, telling him we would take him outside the next day when the weather was going to be better. He knew it wouldn’t happen, but played along for our sakes. I sat holding his hand the whole time, singing one of ‘our’ songs to him. At 6.58pm he said he wanted to lie down. He used the electric bed control to lower the head of the bed, took a final breath and passed into eternal sleep. I screamed, knowing it was coming but not being able to comprehend how a man, so full of life 11 weeks previously, could have been unknowingly so ill that he would pass away so rapidly. My heart is completely shattered. We had so many plans for our future, but now everything seems pointless. I talk to him every day, out loud and in my head. I don’t care if people think I’m nuts. I cry myself to sleep every night. Daytimes at the moment are easier, I can occupy myself with gardening and housework. But what happens when winter comes and I can’t get outside? I don’t drive. I hate having to rely on people helping me. I feel inadequate and a burden. I am constantly saying sorry…my kids (48 & 46) are so good but they have their own lives…I’m scared for the future. I don’t know how I’m going to cope.
Sorry for the extremely long post, I just needed to get it all down.

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GrannieSmith

I’m so sorry to hear your terribly sad story and I do hope that you find peace soon. As someone who has been widowed nearly two years I can say I don’t think the terrible Feelings of awful loss go but we do learn to deal with it and live some kind of life without the love of our life. Children and grandchildren do help. Best wishesx

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Hello GrannySmith16,

I am so sorry to read about your terrible experience. You explained your situation so eloquently. I found it very moving. I can relate to certain aspects of what you have written. You don’t have to apologise on here as you can say how you feel. My husband died seven months ago and I am still in disbelief of it all. And, like you my heart is broken. None of us know what the future holds as we, all on here, have found out, but it will never be the same without our soul mate. Sending love and hugs.X

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I’m so sorry for your loss. The circumstances of your husband’s passing sounds very similar to my husband’s. We had been together for over 50 years and like you had hardly been apart. He had a fall and fractured his ankle. This led to him developing pneumonia and was admitted to hospital. It was at the time when visitor’s weren’t allowed and I had a telephone call the day after he was admitted from his consultant asking me what my feelings were on resuscitation. I was in total shock at this point and he then went on to say that my darling husband had just weeks to live. He did however make a good recovery and was discharged 2 weeks later and continued to improve at home. We were assured that his illness was treatable but unfortunately he developed another infection and was taken by ambulance into hospital, chatting and laughing with the crew expecting to be given antibiotics and then returning home. He chatted and laughed with the dr’s and nurses in A&E and was going to be admitted to a ward when he suddenly deteriorated and died. We were allowed to go and sit with him until he passed away. For him it was the best way possible, unlike your husband who suffered, but for us, his family it was awful.
It has been 12 months now but I’m still finding it very hard living without him. I too talk to him everyday. I also hate having to rely on people, but without friends and family I would be a recluse. I find no pleasure going out anywhere by myself so I just stay at home. I do have a dog and she is great company. I walk her everyday, sometimes chatting to someone, sometimes not.
I find reading other people’s post’s help me to realise that I’m not the only one feeling as I do. I think this year has been the hardest year of my life.
You take care

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I nurse my husband also for 8 months never left his side now it 8 weeks today I feel like my life is empty now all my friends family are settled in there’s life sometime I feel like I am putting them out probably not true just my head

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I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s still very early day’s for you. I’m sure that your friend’s don’t think that you are putting them out. They probably are glad to give you whatever help they can. For a time I was very resentful when I saw other couples together, thinking why are they doing what I want to be doing but that has passed thankfully as I felt awful and I wouldn’t have wished what I was going through onto my worst enemy.
Take care of yourself

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I can understand so much you said my Ricky had not a clue he was Ill found out in December and he had 7 months treatment did not work in fact it made him so ILL first one was January that he ended up hospitalise and they said he was not strong enough I nurse him at home till he went into hospice I stayed there with him every day the pain got worse he got weaker every day was horrible watching someone that was big strong man turn into some one so weak days I try to keep busy nights are horrible lonely like you I am dreading dark nights and weather as I can’t drive it 8 weeks today and to me it seems like forever we done everything together I just feel alone and lost

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Hi
We all feel the same on here which is a comfort but sometimes the pain is just so bad whatever folk say the pain just aches…….intensely
No idea how or if I’ll get through it
When your loved one is ill even really ill you don’t think about the consequences because to us they are still here then ‘wham’
Heartbroken doesn’t even cut it
My heart goes out to you all
Never ever did I contemplate being in this situation

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I totally agree with you x

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I agree even when I knew he was going

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Hello Pat 7 my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband 22months ago, this year would have been our golden anniversary. Each day is worse , many of the circumstances you describe are similar to mine & I feel despair daily. I didn’t realise he was so Ill .I feel so guilty, I wasn’t kind enough, why didn’t I hug him more ?

… Lovely friends support me and I fear I will drive them away.It’s the familiar loneliness within a crowd.
One of my family whom I thought was very very close to me & offered me immense support in the first year now feels I am a burden & is overwhelmed by my grief.
I really wasn’t demanding & rarely asked for anything except an occasional visit or text.I thought he understood.
It’s like a second grief & I can feel my mental health worsening. I still try to do little steps but the tears & pain won’t stop. I loved him so much in life & still do .

I guess all we can do is keep going & hope they have found peace. My thoughts are with you & sorry to ramble on.I rarely post here but get huge support from fellow sufferers, thank you all.

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Granny Smith I am so so sorry for what you have had to endure life is so cruel. Although I lost my husband so suddenly I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you .
As you so rightly said the days are easier but the evenings and nights are worse I totally agree they seem so long and lonely. I used to feel so safe and secure In the dark through the night with Rob at my side now I’m just the opposite. Lie yourself I have two kids who have their own life to live so I don’t want to burden them , in fact when I was on a dark road they didn’t know I had to paint a face of and play a role of being ok when really I was crumbling but as a mother we protect our babies don’t we.
Keep talking on here it will help you understand what your going through and feeling is all natural and part of the grieving process take care kazzer

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Thank you Sadanna. I know how you feel. I don’t want to be the person who people have got to feel sorry for, nor do I want to have to rely on other people, but it’s very difficult to become the person I was 16 months ago. Half of me is missing. Things that we used to do, even going shopping together now seems an enormous chore.
All we can do is carry on as best as we can. Like you I don’t post much on here but also get huge support from fellow sufferers, knowing that I’m not alone with my feelings.
Look after yourself.

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To die the shock when he did was devastating I can’t see myself ever getting over him miss him so much keep wishing it was just a bad dream people say in time it will ease 8 weeks and I can’t look at his photos scared of if I do I never stop crying

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It is such a comfort reading all your comments, as they confirm my feelings are normal. I was feeling so alone in my grief, but to know that everyone here is struggling in the same way is, I suppose, reassuring, in a strange way.
I read the other day that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth Ii once said “Grief is the price we pay for love”. It really hit home.
I’ve lost people from my life before, but this grief is so different to anything I’ve experienced previously. In general, family members are given to us, and if we’re lucky, we get ‘good ones’. Your partner is the one person you choose to spend your life with…and I am so grateful Pete and I shared such a wonderful life. But I still can’t believe he’s gone forever .

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Hi
Everyone on here is hurting and unfortunately no one can ‘heal’ us
I watched the Queens funeral
The Archbishop of Canterbury said
‘The price of live is grief’
Never a true word
Big hugs to everyone
Xx

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Sorry should read
The price of love is grief
Xx

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I too lost my husband just 3 weeks ago now also to bowel cancer. It was quick. We had no time together due to hospitalisation but I got him home… 54 hrs later he passed in my arms. Xx I was alone with him, no one could ge to us quick enough. Traumatic but beautiful at the same time. It was always just me and him… now I am lonely beyond belief. Xx missing him is the hardest bit. Xx

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Hi Sandie
Welcome
All I can say is cancer sucks
I’m lonely frightened alone and hurting as we all are on here….
Yes we have friends but it’s been said many times on here until it happens to them how do they know what we are going through
I want my life back I want my husband back…… reality is it’s never going to happen…… that’s a fact and that hurts like hell!
Sending hugs

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Bess1 I totally agree with you. Until someone has been in the same position no one knows what you are going through. I loved my life and I want my husband back and do all the things we used to do together, but as you say it’s never going to happen and it’s something we can’t change.
Stay strong x

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