How do I feel?

[Sadsadie]

With the isolation due to the coronavirus I had to stay with me
My coping mechanisms were mainly about meeting people, going out and now none of these happen. So I have had more time to mourn, to think and to feel

I have so many flashing images of so many situations in my life - I see Jack so many times - I think of situations we had after his diagnosis and how I wished we had delt with it in a different way. From the moment go it was always busy busy busy and no time fo deal with the emotional side of our dreadful experience

With the lockdown I miss Jack’s presence - his voice his warmth - I miss having my hand held and my neck kissed.
I miss the woman I used to be

How do I feel?
I don’t know
I am sadder, I am more alone, I am more resilient and at the same time more fragile and more vulnerable and I know that life will never be the way it was

Anyway - a lot of rambling

Hope you all have a good Monday
Sadie x

[Jobar]

Dear Sadsadie,
You’re not rambling. You’re saying it as it is for so many of us. Trying to make sense of our devastated lives in an ever chaotic world is a daily challenge we’d never have imagined.
Some days it is so overwhelming and isolating that challenge seems insurmountable. Knowing I’m not as alone as I feel is helps me get through. I’m sure many others will recognise themselves in your words.xx

[Crazy_Kate]

Dear Sadie, as Jobar says, I certainly recognise myself in your words. How do I feel? Your final paragraph kinda sums it up really. But your penultimate paragraph, oh yes, how I miss his voice, his warmth, holding his hand; his big, rough hand. I miss everything about him Sadie, even the annoying bits. I miss his hugs; David was a great hugger, his kisses. He made me feel safe and secure.

Thank you for your post Sadie. Sending love xx

[jonathan123]

Hi. Sadie. Perhaps you are not giving yourself enough credit for the person you are. You are suffering and the pain is great, but I detect in your posts a certain resilience. I would suggest we all get these images in our minds. After so many years of partnership how could we just switch it all off. And would we want to? I find now that some memories make me smile whereas before I would have had a cry. You are not the woman you were. How could you be. Emotions play so many tricks on us and we need to accept that they will. We have all suffered a real life trauma, and traumas don’t just go like that.
As Jobar says, it is challenge to find a new way of living, or as they say about the aftermath of the virus, ‘a new norm’. I so often find it amazing the strength and fortitude shown by so many on here. Courage is not just given to the few, we all have it and it often shows in unexpected places. None of us should put ourselves down. Neither should we ever apologise for how we feel. ‘Sorry, but I’m going to cry’! What is there to be sorry about, and why do we so often stifle emotions for fear of embarrassment?
Yes Sadie, it is overwhelming at times and each day does seem a challenge. But we do plod on along the path of life. The journey can be long and hard but it’s there you know, that redeeming light that may seem so distant at the moment.
Love and Blessings. John.

[Sadsadie]

Crazy Kate , I had to laugh when you said you missed his annoying habits!! Me too and I feel that when I felt his habits annoying it was my ego that felt the annoyance - we never argued about important stuff : money kids - but I did grumble about small stuff and also that found very difficult when Jack retired !!
Oh well !!! Ahhh
The lockdown for me in the beginning was very difficult but at the same time there was the sense of satisfaction inside me that everyone was having a difficult challenging time !!
Sadie x

[Crazy_Kate]

Ah, but wouldn’t we have those annoying habits back in a heartbeat Sadie?
I must say that I’ve been ok with the lockdown, but then I guess I’m one of the lucky ones having been able to go out to work. I’ve always been ok with my own company though and the only person I would want to share my lockdown with isn’t here xx

[TrishaF]

Dear Sadie
Your post sums up exactly how I am feeling. I have coped by being busy and now like you the coping mechanisms of working, being out and about have been taken away . I too have so many images from the past that come to mind - too much time to think and missing him so much more. More memories equals more tears too at this time. Of course there are so many happy memories but these sometimes emphasise how alone we are now - something our lovely children do not understand no matter how supportive they are.
Take care
Trisha xx

[Sadsadie]

Trisha, don’t you find that think a lot about him makes you two closer?
I have a friend that told me that as we need time to grieve the person that died also needs time to get used not having a body and that from here we can love and support them but from where they are they will love and support us.
I feel Jack’s support and help is there all the time
I also have beaut dreams about him and I know this is a way to connect with me. Last night he held my chin up and gave 2 lovely kisses and said he loved me!
Love doesn’t die!!!
Hugs
Sadie xx

[S47]

That is so beautiful❤

[S47]

Not feeling great padt few days
Think have more bsd days than good

• top everything else ive noe lost my Job

[Sadsadie]

Well, when we are not feeling great and we hen you loose your job makes life so much more difficult!
What job you do? Can you look for another job now? It is such an unsettled time isn’t it?
I send you love
Sadie x

[Ang_W]

Oh Sadie
What a truthful heart felt post,
I feel the same , I seem to feel sadder by the day.
I long for his touch, his smile , the warmth, always smiling and assuring me everything will be ok.
Well it’s not ! I’m no longer the strong happy person I was . I’m sure my Paul would not recognise the fragile person I’ve become. The lock down has definitely stopped me in my tracks… the endless visits to family and friends always keeping so constantly busy! However in a strange way I feel calmer over the last few weeks almost content with my own company!
My God I miss him so much ; hope I’m making sense
Take care Ang x

[Sadsadie]

Dear Ang
The reason I like this forum is because whatever we say there is someone that really understands how you feel
As you say, I am not the same happy strong woman I was. I think I even was a better mother when Jack was around

However I think we have a different type of strength. There is a story that says that in Japan if you had a very precious vase and it broke you wouldn’t throw the vase away. Instead you would glue the pieces together using gold and this way the vase became stronger and more precious even though it was more fragile because had been broken before
Maybe this Is what happened to us - we are broken and we are putting our pieces together and the gold is the memories and the love we have for our husbands
Sending you love
Sadie xx

[Ang_W]

Dear Sadie
I agree, SR forum is such a comfort to us all, knowing that everyone understands our feelings , even tho it hard to understand them ourselves . We are all fragments of our old lives. I like the story of the broken vase. I will try to remember it the next time I crumble !
I’m sure many of us will think of it , as we all try to make sense of this new life we never wanted.
Thank you x

[Jobar]

Dear Sadie,
My heart feels just like that Japanese vase - in pieces and definitely fragile.
Putting it back together is a time consuming and very tortuous process. Some days the pieces don’t fit and I accept that without my husband I will never feel whole and complete again. Today is definitely one of those wobbly days - that awful internal shaking that I had never experienced before my husband died.
I know you all know what I mean so I don’t need to elaborate.
I look to this forum to get me through today as it has on so many other of those shaky days since last November.
I am grateful to you all xx
Barbara

[MaryL]

Dear Sadie,
Thank you for such a beautiful post, it is so true, we have to glue our lives back together or go under and I ain’t doing that. It isn’t for my sake it is for our childrens’ and our grand-childrens’ sake, it is for Stan’s sake too, I know that he wouldn’t want me to give in and I shall be strong for him.
Blessings,
Mary

[Suelei]

Hi Sadie
I feel for you. 3 years on I felt I was coping. Now this set bacl has me back to overthrowing and Missing my man so much. I hear your pain over not being able to talk to your partner about emotions and just getting on with the day to day managing the tasks of coping with illness. I talk to him now better than I ever did and have faith that I’m heard. Not religious faith but faith in our love for one another. Hold on to it. Don’t s hy away from it. Stay safe. Keep strong.

[Sadsadie]

Sueli
I like you believe that Jack hear me and he has been around making things to happen to help me
It is 18 months since Jack died and the finality of it all is so painful
Sending you love in the lovely sunny day
Sadie x

[Christina7]

Hi Sadie
Your feelings are so like mine. I feel lost and so alone. This lockdown isn’t helping , the need for company just when I need it, emphasises the loneliness. I too long for his touch, his caring ways, his beautiful smile, and to be able to talk together,. …
At a time in life when work is behind you, the chance to spend more time together, doing whatever you wish, have been snatched away. I can’t bear to think of the rest of my life without him.
From a house full of Carers, 4 x a day, palliative team , district nurses and Doctors , suddenly , our home is silent. I once did wish we could have our peaceful home back, but now Id swop it just to have Tony here.

All I can add is, it will get easier to bear, there is no time limit on grief. Everyone is different. Losing your husband is like losing yourself. If you’ve read my previous posts, I speak from sad experience. I have been through this pain before 20 years ago. I lost my first husband suddenly, I wasn’t there, I was in hospital myself following major surgery. I didn’t want to live, only my daughters kept me from giving up. I was told , “you’ll get over it “. your young, you’ll meet someone else”. I could have screamed, I didn’t want anyone else , I wanted my darling husband back. I simply wanted to die too.
I never thought I would be happy again, I was wrong, I was lucky to meet Tony, he had lost his wife and we both understood the pain and grief. Cut a long story short, we married and had a very happy, content life, until we were hit again, by a dreadful disease. , and finally I lost Tony at New Year.
I promise you it will get easier, never leave you, but one day we will smile again. Just be kind to yourself, know it early days, don’t listen to people thinking you should be “ over this”. Only you know how you feel, get through a day at a time, don’t think ahead if you can avoid it. That’s how I’m getting through, unhappy, at times in bits , but still here.
Sending you love and understanding
Christina x

[Sadsadie]

Hi Christina
It must be so hard to go to another loss
Sadie x