How do I live the rest of my life?

51 weeks ago today the love of life was still living with me. Today is the last Tuesday I kissed, cuddled, talked, laughed and loved my wonderful husband Neil. This time next week I will have been without him for a year. It’s been a difficult and traumatic year and I have only got to this point with the support of my family and friends. I am so thankful for that. My heart is aching, my stomach is churning and my head is full of memories of that terrible day and all I can think about is that he should still be here with me living the life we planned.
I will get through this week as I need to reach that day so that all his family can come together in memoriam…but I don’t know how I will get through the rest of my life without him. It’s too scary to even think about.
Thank you to this site and all of the strong people who open up their hearts on here. Just reading your posts have s

topped me feeling alone and lost.
Sending peace to you all.

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It’s so hard I’m coming up 2 years on 20th December & this time of year is so difficult. He’d just started to feel poorly but no one could have foreseen that it was so serious. Even the doctors didn’t seem to treat it as serious, he was anaemic & then they said that he may need a blood transfusion & called an ambulance (non emergency) that’s when my nightmare began. This is what plays on a loop inside my head & the “if only’s” that never go away.
It does get a bit easier with time, it doesn’t overwhelm my thoughts everyday but it’s always there. I think what gets harder is other people’s perception of grief that it’s something you get over. They stop asking how you’re doing, don’t understand when you don’t want to go out. My husband was 59 & the amount of times I’ve heard “you’re still young enough to meet someone else”! When you know you’ve met your one, no one else could ever fill that void & I don’t want anyone else.
Take care xx

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Jodel712
Thank you for replying. Am so sorry you have experienced the loss of your love.
I think I am worrying about how people will be after this first horrible year. Will they stop asking how I am? Will they understand less on my bad days? Will I be expected to move on? Unless they have been through this they can only offer what they feel is supportive words but those words will never take the pain and longing away.

I don’t want to move on. I want him to be my focus everyday and I don’t want anyone else to forget him.

We only had 3.5 years together and married for 1.5 but they were the best of my adult life. He came into my life and made me feel as though my dreams had come true after being on my own for a long time. He was only 62 and due to be a grandad for the first time. I still can’t believe I will never see or speak to him again.
My lovely Neil has gone forever and my heart and life are broken.
Take care x

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Dear Laneyb

I can feel your pain in the words you write. I am fourteen months down this journey that I never asked for and my kids and me did not deserve. Your floral tribute is beautiful.

I also cannot see how I will get through this life. I just take one day at a time, never looking forward as it only serves as a painful reminder that all our plans and future have been taken away.

If being honest I can count on one hand now those that stay in touch. The others I assume I drove away because I could not accept all their efforts to do things they thought I should be doing to take my mind off loosing my husband. One day they may reflect and understand how inappropriate/insensitive they actually were.

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Sheila26

I am so very sorry you are on this journey also. It’s the most painful experience I have ever had. Neil was so happy in his life and if he could have fought to be here he would have. His death was so sudden from a heart attack. He had survived prostate cancer in 2017 and we both felt so lucky and blessed to get the few years that we did. He was the most special man I had ever met. A true gentleman and a committed, loving husband. I miss him more than I can say.

We have to keep pushing through the pain and be kind to ourselves every day. I am glad you still have good supportive people around you albeit less than at the beginning.
Sending you hugs

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Hi all

My anniversary is coming up on the 29th, this has been the most traumatic year of my life.

I totally agree with Sheila, people stop asking how you are, that’s if they even bother ringing at all, that stopped months ago. I think that was one of the biggest shocks, just how quickly people move on, it’s as though they never existed

Laney - your floral tribute is beautiful, I hope you get through the day as best you can.

Jodel - I had that line of you are young enough to start a new life said to me by another widow, I thought she might have known better.

I hope we all find some peace soon, this time of the year doesn’t help.

Look after yourselves x

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I think what I found hurtful in the early months was the number of people who said they would be in touch to arrange something then never bothered. Others told me to just call if I needed anything and then never answered their phones. Others would call with a long-list of activities/clubs for me to join and I realised in that moment they never actually knew me as I thought they did. Also none involved me meeting up with them.

Sorry to sound ungrateful but all I wanted/needed was someone to talk to so as not to feel alone.

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Hi Sheila, all the same happened to me. I haven’t been invited out by anyone other than close family for a year. Nobody rings me, I have rang people a few times but never get a call back from them anymore, so now have given up. I expect I will get a Christmas card wishing me the best this year , another inappropriate thing to do. I went through a spell of thinking I must be a horrible person that’s why nobody wants to spend time with me, some days I still do. I work from home so I do speak to colleagues, but it’s not really the same as striking up a friendship.

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Dear Viv3

Yes the dreaded Christmas cards. I will just stack them in a pile as I did last year and try not to open any as the few I did pushed me over the edge with thoughtless comments of ‘have a wonderful Christmas’ literally only months after loosing my husband.

One of those that I can rely on has invited me for a walk along the River Tyne tomorrow. We have a lot in common except she still has her husband but she manages to keep the conversation light and I am not tearful on my return to the car - probably because I used to meet up with her before my husband died.

My issue is that I feel my husband has abandoned me. A few of his biker fiends live local and I see them with their wives and just wonder why it is my husband could not give up the sport so that he could still be with me.

With regard to why people do not want to spend time with us is nothing to do with you or I being horrible people I just think the majority just do not want the burden of having to listen to our pain. There were a group of people I thought were friends who I went out with socially on a regular basis before lockdown and my husband’s death - they issued only one invite and that was to go to the pubs as usual once lockdown eased in May. I declined and have never heard from any of them since.

I met my husband when we were both 17 and 55 years later (51 married) he died very suddenly from heart disease in April21. It’s indescribable how I have felt since that night when I went to bed and took him a cup of tea and got no response- I tried everything to bring him back and so did the paramedics but it was not to be. I have no control of my emotions and I feel tired and look 82 not 72 I hate my drawn face when I clean my teeth and spend as little time as possible in front of a mirror I no longer recognise myself. Family members say look after yourself and I say I don’t know how to because I have been looked after all my life -we were a team - for the first few weeks I could not swallow food and I lost over a stone in weight - I can eat now and seem to have got my appetite back - I have physical chest ache and I take a hot water bottle to bed for warmth and comfort. I still have to get up because my two grandsons need me and so does my dog so I perform my usual riyals for them and just hope that the heartache will ease - I miss my husband but I gave my all to him when he was here and I am consoled that we were really happy and in love until he died and I am still in love with him through memories. My grandsons and my children love me and so does my dog so I have to return that love and help them through their loss x

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Dear Sanbay welcome to our Community and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am sorry for your loss. How wonderful to be married for 51 years. Not many can say that. You will have so many precious memories to hold onto in your heart and to share with your grandsons.

Please take care of yourself as your children and grandchildren need you and you are special to them. There is a topic Losing a Partner on this Community which will be helpful for you. We are always here for you. Take care. xx

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Thank you for that - I am struggling but I do know that I have to carry on for the sake of my younger members of the family they too are struggling with the loss of their wonderful grandad and my daughters mourn the equally wonderful Dad - to me he was my reason for being here - I try to think he left me his heart and not that he took mine with him that is a comforting thought at this time -I have never felt this way before so I have to learn to deal with it and give myself time. I just take one day at a time and get through it’s important to keep busy and think of others and not bury myself in my personal grief.

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That is what we are here for and always will be Sanbay. No one or text book can sadly prepare you for the loss of a loved one and the emptiness it carries sadly. Your husbands heart will always be with you (and your family) wherever you go and that is comforting. When you go round the house talk to your husband out aloud. Tell him how you feel and just chat away. It helped me when I lost my father unexpectedly 16 years ago, I still talk to my father now.

Take care of yourself and we are always here for you and your family. xx

Sanbay oh how your story is to much like mine. My husband died beside me in bed following a heart attack and despite my attempts to revive him and the paramedics when they arrived he didn’t make it. Apparently he had undetected heart disease. Together 46 years and married 44 of those the loss of him by my side is unbearable. Our two lovely sons and four grandchildren is what keeps me going. We have all struggled in our own way my youngest son in particular. We just live each day as it comes supporting each other the best way we can. My coping mechanism is keeping busy. I swim, walk see he grandchildren and even volunteer at local drop in centre which doubles as a good bank. Helping other people makes me realise how lucky I was to have him for all those years bringing up our family travelling the world and being there for each other. I miss him every day and never a day goes by when I don’t cry and feel so cheated. We’re all going through this nightmare. Will it get easier ? Who knows but we can’t feel any worse than we do now so it must.

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I know exactly how you feel - my husband had coronary heart disease and I honestly thought he was as fit as a fiddle he had a huge to do list - he spent lots of time ticking off the jobs he completed and enjoyed every minute of his life - he made the best of every day and he was a huge presence in my life - I miss him making me laugh - I miss him tormenting me (in a funny way) nobody can make my day like he did - so life is now almost empty but my grandchildren live with me now with their mum and they are kind and caring towards me which is wonderful they are two incredible teenage boys and I am so grateful for their company. Just look for the good bits in your day and the good memories that flash through your mind constantly and think how lucky we are to have had such wonderful husbands for so many years. I know one day we will be together again —

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Thank you for your response. Yes we were very lucky and not a day goes by when I don’t count my blessings. We too had many plans and were so careful in lockdown not to contract Covid which we didn’t and then he was cruelly taken from me when his big soft caring heart gave out on him. Life if for the living and we have to be strong and carry on :sweat: however much pain we feel there are those around us that need us. So happy to have connected with you - all the best.
Georgina x

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Thank you for replying Georgia we have a lot in common I will keep posting I think it helps -I hope you post with your progress take care

Hi Sheila

Last year I did the same with the cards. I didn’t receive many as it was only a week after the funeral, so most had the sense not to send. I am trying to make a bit of an effort this year, just for the Grandkids…

I can understand that you are angry at the way your hubby died. I have lost a couple of friends in their teens from bike accidents. My son has a motorbike and it scares me to death every time he goes on it. Fortunately he currently can’t afford the insurance so it’s stuck in my garage, he won’t get rid of it. The loss of those friends being so young and the devastation it had on all friends and their family has stayed with me x

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Dear Viv3

This was a mid-life decision by my husband and not one I ever supported. He went round Europe on it and often up to Scotland. I begged him to give it up or to at least just leave it in the garage, push it out to give it a polish and then put it back away. I often told him I would be left to deal with the consequences and unfortunately this has come to pass. I am totally heartbroken and it is me that has to look our kids in the eye and see their heartbreak also at their loss and everything that their dad will now miss. I think this is why I cannot feel his presence but the anger will take a good time to pass if ever.

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Hi - I can understand that. The only comfort you can take is that he was happy when he was on his bike, not that it is much to take I know x

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