Same here Richard the pain so bad
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Evening everyone suffering this awful loss.
I lost my brother end of August, my beautiful husband age 58 died suddenly end of October and now my ex husband father to my lovely daughters has passed away and found in his flat end of December. I just can’t believe this we are just stunned.
Just miss my beautiful husband so so much and my lovely brother. My ex husband was a good support for me during this time.
Life just seems to be throwing us shite
It just doesn’t feel real
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I totally agree with all of your comments. The pain and loneliness continues its only 9 weeks since I lost my wonderful husband married for 55 years together for 60. Life can never be the same, some people think I should be more positive rather than the negative mood I am in. They have no idea how the loneliness eats away. Friends talk of the holidays they are having to cancel this really upsets me as travel was our thing in the last few years of our marriage. I will never experience one of our special vacations ever again, we both enjoyed doing the same things pottering about stopping off for a cooling drink etc. It takes so many years together to think in the same way. Cant see me holidaying again as all of my friends have husbands. My darling was taken far too early in his life bless him due to Pancreatic Cancer.
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Dear Rosie
I am only a little further down the line than yourself and can relate to how you are feeling.
We had planned for me to retire this Christmas and once the pandemic was done to restart travel plans as part of our retirement. All our plans and dreams which we had worked so hard towards were shattered as Ian was involved in a road traffic accident in September and did not survive.
I am having similar experiences where family or friends ring me and make plain their disappointment that I am not in a better place and then go on to tell me about the impact local lockdowns are having on their own plans - as if the circumstances are the same. Have stopped taking some calls. My poor daughter tries to say that she will holiday with me, but it will not be the same. Me and Ian were so fine-tuned to each other and did things on holiday that we both liked.
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So many of us are experiencing and really suffering from the insensitivity of others. My brother feels it’s his jib to " jolly me out of it" as though I have an ankle in plaster.
I’m sick of hearing how terrible and spoilt Christmas was because people couldn’t hold their usual merry parties. Also the excited talk about being able to make plans now we have a vaccine, just makes me feel more abandoned by the day. It also makes me feel guilty and selfish when resentfulness has me in its grip and know my heart should be rejoicing because so many people will be able to resume their normal lives.
My husband and I were not travellers. We were everything to each other for 60 years and loved our home where we were content to be, enjoying short breaks and days out and spur of the moment decisions to try somewhere different for lunch perhaps.
We went dancing twice a week and danced every day at home. We just loved being together, never separated except for two occasions, once when he was in hospital and then
I, each for a short time only but in the days when there was free visiting so, apart from going home to sleep, we still spent most of our time together.
For now, when exhausted from tempestuous weeping and not wanting to go on living, I cling to the fact that I am doing this instead of him. His pain would have been terrible and I can have a glad heart to think he is spared that. Then comes a sort of peace. It’s more like being detached from reality but welcome for all that. I can look at our wedding photo and see two radiantly people, enjoy it as a lovely photo but without allowing myself to REMEMBER. I do that “detaching” trick a lot, especially when talking to people. It gets me through and gives me a rest from the constant burden of sorrow.
I hope all of you here, hurting and adrift, can find some little technique that gives you times of peace.
Please do share if you can. God bless.
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I lost my husband at the end of August 2020 we were together for 35 years he was my life. Reading all these I see that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling. I spent Christmas with my son and his family had a nice time but like you missed my husband with all my heart.
I had not seen my husband for 2 weeks before he died as he was taken into hospital and because of covid was not allowed to visit this alone breaks my heart I remember our last kiss when he went into the ambulance without me. One of the last times we spoke on the phone he told me he was glad that he had married me I told him that I was glad that I had married him and that I had always loved him and that I always would for the rest of my life and then a few days later he was gone. People that say that this will get easier and that time heals but I am not sure that it will it will always hurt
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My husband died December the 5th
The ache and pain in my heart is unbearable,
He was in hospital for 2 weeks before he passed,
He was in a coma and on ventilator for most off the 2weeks,
They use to FaceTime me and I would talk to him ,
Not sure how I will carry on as don’t really want to without
My soulmate,xx
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Dear Jude and Debbie, hold on. You are still on shock and will be for some time.
We can’t imagine that shredding pain will ever go away. Sometimes the pain is all we have left and we hold onto it like a comfort blanket, fearing the emptiness even more.
For now you need to grieve, letting the tears flow whenever you want to. Ignore people around you if you can. Lockdown has been a friend to me in a way because I have been glad that people couldn’t get to me to interrupt my grieving. Contrarily, there are times when we need people. We ache for the feel of arms round us and to hear loving, understanding words.
We want people to come and then can’t wait for them to go and leave us in peace. Grief is exhausting. Make sure you give yourself time to rest. If you don’t want to answer the 'phone or the doorbell, don’t. Grief makes me feel cold to my marrow. If I have to choose between preparing a meal and staying warm, the latter wins. I wear as many layers as I like, with no-one to see or comment. In the evenings, after an early meal, I get ready for bed, teeth cleaned to stop me from munching through chocolates and snuggle up under a rug to watch television. Anything will do as mostly, it sends me to sleep for a few hours of freedom from the grief. I make myself stay up late in order to stay asleep longer in the mornings.
It is possible for me to function at a reasonable level now and sometimes I can stay calm for 24 hours by practising a sort of “blocking” technique. A friend has given me a surprise Christmas gift of an almost lifesized wedding photograph on canvas. I can look at it quite dispassionately, as a lovely picture of a radiantly happy bride and groom and enjoy it on that level. If I allow myself to REMEMBER the day and the moment, I am in meltdown immediately.
These are just my ways of coping. I am a little ahead of you on this lonely road, just stopping and looking back for a moment to encourage you and assure you that the road becomes less steep and the suffocating darkness gives way to light.
Take whatever help is offered. There are no Brownie points for struggling on alone if assistance is to hand.
God bless and keep you.
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Hi Christine and Debbie and mcap
Loosing our beloveds our soul mate the half of us and our hearts and world is the traumatic loss ever and its all made so much worse when you haven’t really been able to say goodbye or hold there hand till the end etc or to see them at the Chapel of rest and have a funeral of more than 10 people then being able to grieve and be comforted by all ur friends and family… all of this makes it worse and harder for us grieving widows and family or friends… I am still in disbelief I lost my newly wedded husband to covid on 14th April 2020 we had only started dating in jan 2019 and we got married in a castle on 16th dec 2019 had a beautiful honeymoon to Venice our 1st ever Xmas together and as husband n wife including new year my birthday n valentines luckily we made lots of memories and pictures and he spoiled me so much I lucky for having g him and so much love but I feel so robbed. Just being Married for not even 4mths and lost him not have our 1st wedding anniversary together 
not being able to have his 60th birthday as his celebration of life instead having all these things taken away is just so awlful to live with. All we can do is make our beloveds proud by trying to stay strong and Carry on doing what we had planned and living life for us both with just 1 breath 1 step and 1 day at a time until we are reunited. My world is empty and I know im half the person I was and that ill never be that happy again but I need to make hubby proud and for him to have his girl be the woman he loves so much still… its so awlful ladies covid is a wicked horrible death for both the sufferer and the partners left to mourn them… life will never be the same again. But we can take strength from each other and be there for one another when the times call for it xx
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Dear gardiners dream
I can relate to everything you say
I’m so sorry that you lost your husband after such a short period of marriage It is so sad and unfair
Covid is a horrific virus taking so much away from us and as you say all the restrictions afterwards making it all so much harder for those left behind Like yourself I feel I have to keep going for my husbands sake If I don’t I’ll feel I’m letting him down but it’s easier said than done
we just have to take it day by day
Thinking of you and take care
Christine x
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@Prof I love your posts so much and have it as a treat when I see you made a new one. I just read this after I posted on another thread how cold I am deep within me nowadays (not just because of winter).
Just in case you haven’t seen them (and apologies for wasting your time if you have one/know about it but maybe there are others then who it may help) . I have a heated blanket that plugs in, it is not like the old fashioned white electric blankets with all those strings on bed, this is a fluffy proper blanket throw for sitting on the sofa on or snuggling under. My husband bought one for me years ago and I always loved it but it is especially helpful now with this deep cold I feel.
Then I found a heated bodywarmer that he’d got us each as a Christmas present in 2019 the other day. It runs on a battery pack that recharges with a wire that comes with it (USB though so you have to have something with a USB you can plug it into to charge the battery). I found this in recent days and just stood in the garden with the cats in the sunshine for a pleasant 10 minutes and my entire torso felt toasty, now I am wearing it around the house too and it is relieving some of the tension I am holding in my back. Maybe you already know about these things but in case not then I really recommend them for some small comfort from the unbearable chill I am also feeling.
Wishing you a warm and peaceful evening, hopefully followed by a full long sleep.
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Dear FleurDeLis,
How kind of you to post this practical information. Thank you. I have one of the throws and find it rather cumbersome but the body warmer seems to be a really good idea. I shall look for one online when I have some time to spare. For now, it’s layers and rising energy bills.
I’d like to share with everybody that today has been a good day, feeling quite calm inside. I know that as soon as the thoughts and feelings are let in, the tears will come too but at least I know it’s possible to have some time off from the continual distress.
I wish you love and blessings.
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it is so incredible to read all the similar stories on here … i lost my absolute best friend soul mate husband the day before new years eve … and i have never known such a feeling of isolation and beyond loneliness , i also tried to call various helplines but found they didnt really help me get through the day ( especially in this lockdown ) … and i feel like im a totally nonstop miserable tearful widow now in a world of people who dont understand and i dont want to feel like this but i cant help this awful desperate feelings that drag on day and night and i dont know how i will ever be happy or normal again … i have great friends and family but i feel SO alone
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Dear tambo
I’m so very sorry to hear about the sad loss of your husband and the terrible time you’re having
I can relate to every thing you say
I still cry every day for my husband He died last April and we had been married 43 years He had battled ill health for several years only to die within 48 hours from covid The lockdown makes it all so much worse with all the restrictions and isolation
The loneliness and sadness are overwhelming but I go on every day for his sake taking one day at a time
I hope you can find some comfort from reading the posts on this site
Thinking of you. Take care
Christine x
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Thank you SO SO much for your reply … it has made me feel better already , 43 years must be just unbearable to try to get over … my husband also suffered from ill health too and i was his carer , we were married for 20 years ( our 20th anniversary he was in hospital this Nov lockdown too ) .
and i still have all his clothes in our room etc and even his toothbrush still in the sink … and like you i just keep remembering all our incredible memories , im actually quite shy and he made me feel confident in the world … now i dont know how to face the world … i cdnt even take the bins out on bin day cos i didnt want to see the neighbours … and i dont know if you feel as if it all feels so hopeless in the future … Xx
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Tambo all you’ve written i empathise with. I am regularly crying outside my house in the dark messing with the flipping bins hoping no one sees me. Often in snow/rain. I missed bin day several times, now I am 10 weeks since the death of my husband and bin day is again here, I put it out a few hours ago for collection with no drama. Small victories that no one else would understand!
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Dear Tambo
It’s all very sad trying to go on without the one we love in our lives I don’t think too far ahead just one day at a time All I can do is offer you comfort
I feel your pain
just remember you are not alone here as someone is always listening
Christine x
we are all doing SO well in our own ways … and everything we do from now on to attempt to get through this nightmare im SO glad that we now have each other
( my first ever forum / speaking to people online ever )
SO anytime day or night whenever anyone on here needs friendly support i hope i can help ( because you have helped me already ) X
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thank you Tambo. it is a nightmare we can’t wake up from… After feeling quite good (relatively) these last few days I’m having a downturn now. Came on here to try and steady my breathing after thinking about my husband and how lovely he is (something I’ve been blocking out for a few days and had become quite detached thinking I can do stuff and maybe for all I know he is glad to be away from me). I don’t see the point in anything I’m trying to do without him… it hurts so much. I love him more than everything else added up together and cannot cope when it feels like this 
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i totally understand every word you just said , and i had exactly the same day … i had a sort of panic attack missing him SO badly and realising like you said … everything we loved to do together and how close we were ( we were like one person and we both had the same silly sense of humour that nobody else wd get etc ) and i felt terrified to be left here and never ever being able to do anything we did in this horrible empty existence … even though i know he wd want me to be happy … but i cant without him … even though people try to help … … i used to be a happy nice person … but truthfully i feel scared , bitter and nasty … especially when friends moan about being stuck in lockdown with their husbands / wives etc …and i wd give ANYTHING for that to be us …
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