How do we live like this?

It is now a month since my husband Tom died
I have spent every day and night since then trying to ward off feelings of desperate loneliness with activities, speaking to friends on the phone, meeting up for coffee or tea ( any longer is not a good idea as I might start too appear too needy) reading, listening to radio or TV
I’ve been to art and theatre groups, antique markets ( all things I normally love doing) but I can’t fill this hole inside
I buy food I used to love, eat half and throw the rest away
I wake 2/3 times at night and read or distract myself with surfing the net
How on earth can we live like this?!!
My husband’s last illness was bad
He lost all quality of life and at the end I wanted him to slip away peacefully which he did with me at his side
But he’s not here and I miss him so much
I’m having difficulty in remembering “us”
I didn’t think that would happen
I live in a flat which is not large but it feels like a cold and empty barn
Can anyone give me a few tips as to how to go through this?
And are there others out there amongst you who have felt like this and who are feeling a bit better?
I am going to have some counselling But meanwhile is there anyone who can give me a shred of hope that this will get better?
Thanks for reading this and sorry to share such raw feelings
Kay

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Dear Kay

When I read this post it was like reading a carbon copy of what I am going through.
This desperate need to fill the void and loneliness means acting like a headless chicken and doing anything and everything dashing here there and everywhere.

I know the feeling of not wanting to be needy but the thought of being on your own is worse. I don’t recognise this person I’ve become.

The lack of sleep and surfing, reading and watching tv is so exhausting. I wonder how it will end as surely physically and mentally your body and mind can’t sustain the level of stress.

I wish I had some tips for you but I’m afraid I haven’t really. My partner died 9 weeks ago and seems like 9 years. All I can say is as you seem so like me I it is better to wake up in the morning with an outing with a friend to look forward to than not. A purpose for leaving the house rather than wandering around and the prospect of a conversation which is a distraction. I have joined a bereavement group which I am going to on Thursday as it helps to be with people going through the same thing. In fact I met the friend I am seeing today at a bereavement group I attended when my mother died 4 years ago.

There are times when you have no alternative and have to be home and then it’s hard. You start thinking when you are on your own and it’s hard to stop the same things going round and round in your head. The advice about taking things a day at a time is sound but it can go pear shaped when you are alone and thinking. Sunny days evenings and weekends I think makes it a lot harder.

My heart goes out to you Kay. It’s a pity we don’t live next door to each other! X

Dear Kay. I am so sorry for your loss. For positivety try reading some other threads such as ‘A Positive Thought - with love’ or ‘Continued Growth’. These are conversations started some weeks ago but well worth reading. They go some way to showing you that your grief won’t always be this way.

I lost my husband in June 2017 and my sleep is still very poor but I can cope and I am beginning to accept that this is now my sleep pattern. At the beginning of my grief journey I was a bit manic really, always busy continuing with projects we had both planned. Distraction was a help and I was fearful to slow down. Some 21 months later and I am the opposite whereby I struggle to get motivated and I sit reading, writing or just pondering. Maybe it’s just the weather and hopefully once spring truly arrives my mojo will return.

The one thing I do recommend is writing a journal. I write in mine as if chatting to my husband. I don’t write every single day, it’s not a diary but the comfort I get from it is immense. I’m on my third book now and sometimes I look back over the earlier ones and I can see how far I have travelled.

Take strength and comfort Kay in knowing you are not alone.
Sending love xx

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Dear Topsy
We really are going through the same emotions
I read your “night terrors “ post at 5am and sent you a reply
I wish we did live near
It would be so good to talk and meet for a cuppa
I’ve got through today quite well but this flat seems so empty
I’m going for a walk in the park now then when I get back I’ll put the fire on and hope I can get into the Sunday papers
Sunday is a bad day to be alone
Hope you are getting through the day and that you manage some sleep tonight
Kay

Hello Kay

Thanks for your reply. I find Sunday an awful day to be alone too but it’s good you have been ok so far. We always went out for lunch and a walk. It’s so hard.
I saw my friend this afternoon. The weather wasn’t nice enough for a walk so we drove to a garden centre for coffee etc. I was ok to a point when I was there but when it came to go I felt desolate. I’m dreading another lonely evening.

I hope you manage to enjoy your walk in the park and the Sunday papers. It’s always good to get exercise and fresh air.

I hope we both manage to sleep tonight. If nothing else it makes the day shorter!

I just want to share with everyone that I started video counselling and something seems to have changed

I’m still alone and often very sad but that awful unbearable fear seams to have shifted
I’m still waking up and having to come to terms with another day on my own but the pain is not as severe
I keep busy planning something each day, art class or U3A activity or seeing a film
I see friends and don’t feel the need to rush away to be alone to cry

I’m not saying that I’m feeling happy but some of the desperation has receded
Whether this is because of the counselling beginning, I can’t say but I’d suggest that it’s a good idea to try it
The knowledge that I’ve got another session planned makes me feel better

I still am having to work hard every day to get through and nights can be bad
I’ve also started taking a very mild sleeping tablet if I really need it

I just wanted to share something a little more positive
I’m not sure how long this will last for
I know it can get hard again and I’m still dreading Easter on my own

I hope you are all getting through as best as you can and that somehow life can go on for us without that awful pain

Kay

I am feeling exactly the same as you. 10 weeks since my husbands death. One day not too bad and today is hell. Does anyone live in Orpington, bromley area in kent

Also having a rotten day. Stuck in the house. Usually outdoors all day and this makes life bearable, can’t at the moment so totally fed up and upset even more. I feel worse now than when I lost Brian and wonder if I’ve got to do something drastic for a change to happen. Sorry to be so negative, not usually like this. I try to be so positive and thought I was getting there. A good cry everyday but still kept going. Now ground to a halt. Feeling totally sorry for myself but it’s nice to be able to tell people that know what’s it’s like.

Hi Kay and everyone on this feed. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. The loss of our partners is so personal to us all but we all are going through exactly the same utter sadness and fears. Chris, my amazing husband passed away in October 2018, it’s just over 5 months and I miss him so much. He was an amazing father, my best friend and we did everything together. I promised him that I would carry on with our exploits with family and friends. Our 2 lovely children are away at uni so being on my own at home can be really difficult.
I went back to work in December as this gives me a reason to get up and I try my hardest to do things with friends and family. I joined a womens cycling club last March when Chris was newly diagnosed at his insistence. They arrange walks and evenings out as well as cycling events and I get so much support from these very strong ladies many of whom have had their own upsets to deal with. I still cry most days and I think about Chris so much and get angry with the unfairness that he isn’t here to share our life but on a positive note I do have some fun and laugh again even if it’s for short periods and I know Chris would be laughing at me cycling or doing open water swimming with my club and saying “go miki”.
One thing I am struggling with at the moment is with our lovely daughter who is in her last year at uni. She can’t get motivated to do her disatation and is very angry with everyone. I wish I was nearer to her but can’t seem to offer her any advise that is helpful. I have mentioned counselling but she refuses.
I hope you all have as good a day as you can. Miki x

Hi Kay. So pleased to hear that things are easing a little for you. It certainly is a huge thing to deal with… loss …and not one that comes naturally or that we’re prepared for. Every day is a challenge and just to get through each day is a success.
Be kind to yourself and accept that some hours will be the worst and others not so intensely sad
It is ten months since my husband died suddenly and it is only recently that I am starting to see a glimpse of my former self. Still don’t want to mingle much and not up to socialising with new people. But close friends and family and counseling helps… being able to express how you feel just because you need to share this.
Go steady, do as much as you feel comfortable with, accept support and wait with patience for things to evolve positively. Xxx

Hi kay and everyone ,it is 13 months since I lost my husband and I seem to feel worse now than I did before.even though I go out with family and see friends I still feel alone
I use to love weekends now I hate them.
And if I go out for the day soon as I walk in the door I get upset.a couple of friends have said we must meet up once a month.i saw them a year ago and havn.t heard from them again.i dont want to seem desperate by getting in touch again.
I guess it is the same for a lot us.
Just taking one day at the time.
Sorry I’m not much help.x

Thanks for your helpful post. It is almost twelve weeks for me. I wake up and if I cannot cry I have physical anxiety, shaky, stomach ache. Any tips for me

Hi Christina. It’s such a hard road to be on. I’m no expert but I would suggest you seek and take all the help and support you can. There is online support that you can access here. Apart from the rest of us here who has undergone loss in so various ways. Keep reading and post if you want to. It’s very early days for you. You can do this… You ARE doing this. Xx

I feel for you as it’s nearly 5 months since my husband died.I don’t know what is making me keep going to be honest but like you I go out every opportunity I get I get with family and friends plus I am at work 8 hours a day!!
I keep myself so busy so I don’t have time to think that I do sleep well as I’m absolutely exhausted most days.
I have taken up running also as it relieves my stress!

I am on holiday now from work for 9 days it’s the first holiday I have had with out my husband being here to share it with me.

Next month would of been his birthday! I really don’t know how I will cope with that ! It’s my weekend to work too.

I do still cry , the longest I have cried is 7 hours!!! Just thought I was never going to stop.

It is really hard and the pain and grief is horrendous but hopefully like me you have lots of support from your friends and family and people keep telling me to hold on in there because it will get easier.

Sending you lots of love and hugs and kisses at this difficult time xx xx

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I feel for you as it’s nearly 5 months since my husband died.I don’t know what is making me keep going to be honest but like you I go out every opportunity I get I get with family and friends plus I am at work 8 hours a day!!
I keep myself so busy so I don’t have time to think that I do sleep well as I’m absolutely exhausted most days.
I have taken up running also as it relieves my stress!

I am on holiday now from work for 9 days it’s the first holiday I have had with out my husband being here to share it with me.

Next month would of been his birthday! I really don’t know how I will cope with that ! It’s my weekend to work too.

I do still cry , the longest I have cried is 7 hours!!! Just thought I was never going to stop.

It is really hard and the pain and grief is horrendous but hopefully like me you have lots of support from your friends and family and people keep telling me to hold on in there because it will get easier.

Sending you lots of love and hugs and kisses at this difficult time xx xx

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All these stories are so sad I lost my husband 13 weeks and I still can’t believe it has happened I feel if I cried I would not stop I can’t talk about it . I work then come home and spend evenings and weekends on my own as I don’t want to be a burden on others I keep thinking time will make things better but I’m not sure it will, I can’t believe I have typed this message in fact I started and deleted it on numerous occasions.

Hello everyone
It is now 6 weeks since my husband died and I actually posted that after a counselling session, I was feeling more positive
But I am finding now, the loneliness is unbearable
After the funeral, everyone kept in touch
Now, quite understandably, they have gone back to their busy lives
I cannot bear to appear needy
I don’t know why but I suppose I’m frightened that if I do, they will retreat even further
Tom and I were so close, I know our friends found our happiness made them feel comfortable to be in our company
We laughed and teased each other
We had time for our friends and I want to be like that again
But on my own, I don’t recognise myself
I’ve lost my normal way of communicating
I am so lonely without him
We are all experiencing this hole in our lives
We are all changed by our losses and our homes feel strange and unfamiliar
I wish I could cry more
Instead I feel a constant ache inside
I did feel better after the counselling
I’m due for my second one tomorrow and I will come online and let everyone know if it really does help again
To everyone out there feeling lonely and lost I just want to say
Don’t try to look strong in the eyes of the world
I’ve tried to do this and now I’m all alone because “they” think I’m doing well and now I’m so alone
I want to find people living near me who are feeling the same loneliness that I feel so I’ve joined a bereavement group as well
I know he wouldn’t want me to be like this so in his memory I will learn to heal and go on
Take care everyone
Kay

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Dear Patricia
I’ve just posted online
I understand the feeling of not wanting to be a burden so well
But I think that has held me back from letting friends know how bad I feel
It is so good to let our true feelings out
I think it may be the key to recovery and I’m so glad you came online to share your feelings I think it’s the loneliness that is the worst thing and if we can shre our feelings instead of bottling things up , I think we can help each other more
Take care
Kay

Thank you Emily
I’ve just had a very lonely week
I tend to bottle things up and pretend to the world that I’m ok
Like you, I try to keep busy
I do work also so that helps
But I think what I need is to not be afraid of being a burden and allow my friends to know how lonely I feel
So that’s my next week resolution
When friends text etc I will say “ been a bit lonely “ and see what happens
I’m also having my second video counselling tomorrow and will let everyone know how I feel after
Take care
And thanks
Kay xx

Dear Rainbow
It’s early days for me ( 6 weeks) and I feel so lonely
I think I made the mistake of not telling friends how bad I was feeling and they are all thinking I’m ok
I’m now going to try to tell them the truth and hope I don’t drive them further away
Loneliness is so awful
I recently went to a crude bereavmebt group and it felt good to be with like minded people and to be able to express feelings safely
I’m also trying some online counselling
Like you, I struggle at weekends and the thought of Easter is pretty dreadful
I know my husband wouldn’t want me to be like this so I’m going to try everything I can to try to feel better but it’s going to be a long long road
Take care Kay xx

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