How do we live like this?

I live in Sussex and recently went to a crude bereavement group which felt safe and the people their were very warm and shared their feelings and we went for coffee after
I am going to try everything to help me stop feeling this awful loneliness
Take care Kay x

Sorry that should read “cruse” bereavement group!!!

Thank you Emily
I am trying everything I can to feel better and will let everyone know what helps
The loneliness is pretty unbearable so I shall continue to look for like minded people who understand
I recently went to a cruse bereavement group and they were very warm and weloi
Kay xx

Dear Annette
Thank you
I think I was a bit over optimistic as I’ve had a long kinky week
But I’m trying everything I can to reach out and find some relief
Kay x

Sorry that should read long and lonely!! My iPhone has a mind of its own

Hello Kay.

I can see by the time of your posting that you are not sleeping. I relate to everything you say. I have had an awful night with about an hour’s sleep and I’m missing my partner so much it is unbearable.

I am exhausted and look dreadful.
I am shaking at the moment and I think it’s fear. I’m terrified of the present and the future. I only have friends and it’s not enough. I have plenty of coffees chats walks etc but it only takes care of a couple of hours and then I’m back to the unbearable home alone. I’m dreading the light evenings easter etc and don’t know what to do and feel I’ll become ill physically and mentally. Friends do know how I feel but they can’t help apart from coffee meetups etc. Yes opening up is good with friends but you can only do that so much and you can see the relief in their eyes when you change the subject.

I want someone with me all the time and I haven’t got that. Just to sit relax and do nothing. I’m missing my mum dreadfully too. It’s just over 4 years for her and I would give anything to have her here.

I just don’t know what to do. I am in a bereavement group at Maggie’s but that only helps for 2 hours a week and it’s coming to an end at Easter.
I’m losing the will and strength needed to help myself.Xx

Dear Annette
Sorry that should read long and lonely week
My iPhone has a mind of its own !

Dear Topsy
I don’t really know what to do either
My trouble is that I seem to have lost “me” as well as Tom
I hope this is temporary and just another stage of grieving
I’m a bit wary of being with people as I don’t know how I am going to feel
So that makes me even more lonely
Today I’m having lunch with a really well meaning friend who also has a rather lonely life
I’m rather dreading it as I’m so tired and don’t think I can cope with all the talking and being “normal”
I felt best when I was with the bereavmebt group and will keep going to it
Hang in there Topsy
It has to get better
People do recover
We meet them all the time
When my mum died ( I was 21) I thought I’d never get over it but I did
It’s hard now I’m old but I will try really hard to recover because Tom would so hate to see me like this I sort of owe it to him to get better
It does help me that you understand and I wish I could offer you some comfort
Maybe when people say it will take time, this is what they mean
Keep in touch and hopefully we can make it through
Kay xx

I’m the same its 14 weeks since I lost my husband and I feel I’m stood watching myself from above just stepping through the days hoping every day that passes I will eventually feel better. I am struggling to socialise with others as it feels such an effort so I avoid them unless I’m at work.

Dear Kay

Your post could have been written by me… Brian died 9 months ago after a short unexpected illness. All I can say is that I was and still am completely devastated by it. Your whole life changes… like you I have been doing all the ‘right’ things, going out meeting people, joining things, keeping in touch etc. We had only moved to the Isle of Wight a few months before, all our friends are on the mainland, and it has been very lonely.
I do have counselling and also take antidepressants which do help but I do not want to be on them long term. Counselling is a good idea… when friends and family don’t want to listen any more (and that does happen), there is someone who is non-judgemental. I wish I could say that it does get better, and I am hoping it will, but everyone has their own time frame. I am told that the grief doesn’t ever go but that time blunts the feeling. I sometimes feel that there are two of me now… the outer one that carries on with life, and the inner one that is no more than a big black void.
I was married for 46 years and like you, I have difficulty remembering us together. I think it is because looking back on the memories is too painful at the moment, looking forward is very frightening so all we can do is live in the ‘now’.
I know it is little comfort but you will see by the posts here that what you are experiencing is the awful grief that we face when we lose our partners. Grief is the price we pay for love.

Maggie x

Hello Maggieald. I have replied to you because we have something in common. My husband is also Brian and I also live on the Isle of Wight. I moved to the Island many years ago and do have some family here. Brian was an Islander through and through so there was never any chance of me leaving here once we married thirty years ago. Unfortunately his daughters and some family seem to have forgotten I exist now. I have no idea why, we never had a cross word but his daughters have offered no support and in fact won’t reply to phones call or letters. My own daughter lives abroad so not around. I tried for Cruse counselling but was told there was a long waiting list, so not much use. Take care Pat xxxx

Hello Kay.

While I cannot relate to losing my husband, I feel a lot of what you are going through. Almost 5 weeks ago, I lost my 19-year-old sister to an overdose. My sister was also a triplet with me, and I really mean it when I say she was my other half, and I’ve lost a piece of me that will never reappear.

I am so sorry about your husband, and I can’t imagine how painful and horrible it must be to sit in the home you two shared with memories and reminders of him at every corner. I too feel this way in my own house, and also at places we went together, and I know you probably feel that way too.

I don’t have any advice, as I am struggling myself and am also looking for advice on how to deal with losing someone that practically shaped you and was by your side for too long to even remember.

During the hours that I spent at night searching the internet in hopes to read relatable stories that will even comfort me in the slightest bit, I will also be sending you prayers and hoping that it gets easier for you. I am only 19, but I am still here to talk if you need it, as I can very much relate to what you are feeling.

I sincerely hope you are getting through this okay. Take care.

Kayla

Dear Kayla
It must be so hard to lose your triplet sister
Such a close relationship
I feel so sad for you
It also is very hard to be grieving at such a young age
My mother died when I was 22 and it set me apart a bit from my age group
But as you can see I recovered and was so lucky to find unconditional love with my husband for 46 years
I now feel adrift without him but I really want to “get better” to live my life as he would want me to
I hope you have a very strong network to support you at this difficult time
Take care
Kay x

Hi I can relate to those of you that find it difficult to mix. I am so empty and feel my face must show my misery. I try to mask it but never sure how I must appear to others. So I keep away. I don’t feel that I want to join clubs or rush into meeting up with other people, when I’m ready, I feel it will happen and I might by then be decent company and it won’t be difficult. I have never found it hard to mix though, I can usually chat with anybody. I too really want to get through this. I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life, but as yet I can’t seem to find a way out of the black hole.
Going to bed now, at least I have the dogs to cuddle, so I look forward to that.

Pat xxxx

I also found 6 weeks after my husband died, the whole grief thing got worse, it is now 8 weeks, and I have got into a routine of busy, busy, busy for 3 days, gardening, decorating, gym, lunch out, then by day 4 I am exhausted and cry a lot, and then the whole process starts again. Hell!

I too have a daughter who is suffering from what I know is extreme grief, she was 40 2 weeks before her dad died, and is talking about giving up her job, and can see no purpose in life. She does not have a partner which does not help, and refuses counselling. The added worry of her is a burden on top of the grief I am going through.

Hi wirry, did exactly the same. I was sorting out things and there was tons of it as Brian got rid of nothing. Decorating the house, looking after our two allotments which are big, started at the gym again, long walks with the dogs, car loads to the tip. Told myself it was my way of coping, thought all this work would help but to be honest it hasn’t, I think it made things worse because when I had finished I was lost and had time to think. It’s hard to know what to do for the best. This grief really does cling on, and I can’t get it to let go. Pat xx

Hi Wirry. I too have the worry of a son who is not coping at all…the worry of him supercedes the grief I am coping with. A bit if a double whammy. He won’t seek help and he’s a type 1 diabetic who won’t see a doctor! Could be argued that my concern for him doesn’t allow me to focus on my own grief, but it is very distressing and stressful. I understand. X

Hello
I also know exactly what you mean about the loneliness and trying to recoup the love I had for many hobbies, interests and food.
My husband died 9 weeks ago and it just seems such a strange world now. Somewhere I don’t fit in anymore. We did most things together for forty years enjoyed similar interests and had lots of fun and adventures! I was a strong and positive person but feel injustice so strongly it’s changing me as a person.
I just wish my husband to come back and yet as a woman with common sense I know this is futile.
Please if anyone messages you with something hopeful or useful please could you let me know! I want to feel better and find ways to live with this grief and longing.
Nothing works xxxx

Kay my wife died on the 11th of december 2018 . I know how you feel , although when someone said that to me l was absolutely sure they had no idea or inkling of the pain and turmoil that raced around my head beart and soul . The emptiness, lonilness and feelings of being useless. I am not sure why l felt so inadequate but l did it was as if l was not whole anymore . I am not saying it is easier now because its not but maybe we learn to adapt . I really do not know but l understand your fear of seeming needy, but the other side of the coin is to become isolated which is what l did and that is a hard cycle to break as people then do not want to intrude.

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