Hi to all. I know how you all feel, lost my partner 8 months ago and it feel like years and I can’t find a way forward at all. I also wish he would come back but rationally I know he never will…x
It’s so early since you’ve lost you husband And surely you need to grieve and come to terms with your loss Nothing makes sense after we have lost our loved one Personally and we are all different I feel happier in the house Sometimes I feel sad as it was and is our lifetime house and we put so much into making it our home together But it also makes me feel comfortable After 60 days of my funny noisy lovely husband suddenly passing away I enjoy being in my daughters company and also friends and other family But still can’t do eating out No appetite Can’t drink alcohol Don’t want wine tears I’m sure eventually certain things will give pleasure once again But not yet Take time
I’m so sorry ,I’ve read your message and I do feel for you.Its almost 8 months and it’s getting hard.Ive not join anything ,but I too go to the market and buy food ,eat abit and throw the rest away…I’ve just had an operation but still I can’t eat properly…I’ve gone back to the hosp as I can’t keep food down.So next week My Daugther is coming with me to have some test done.Ive lost a lot of weight and my DAUGTHERS are worried .Grief is a hard thing to cope with .I cry every day. And it’s getting worse ,I can’t stop .Anything sets it off.Ive wallpapered my room and that made me sad as my husband hated wallpaper in our room,my Daugther did a great job,after we finished ,I couldn’t stand it we’ve taken it down and done it again in gold colour that matches my husband photo frame .Im still not sure if I like it yet ,we’re going to buy different bedding
and curtains today.
Like u see I don’t sleep much ,I’ll seat up till 03.00am and fall to sleep than up at 04.45am.So u see we are much the same as you will see as you join in message on here were all the same.
Please don’t hold back ,we will all help each other on here and one day things will get abit better for you and the rest of us .God bless ,thinking of you. Jeanette.
I am 9 weeks in to this grief, I have always been a very determined person, but this has really floored me. Can’t handle bereavement counselling, it just makes me worse. So I have become the bully at my side. I talk to myself every morning, get up, bath, make-up, plan the day and the meals, open the front door and smile and go out. This is not easy, sometimes I shout at myself to pull myself together. If a day is particularly bad, I gym or swim, but mainly I shout, it is such a release. And I constantly remind myself that it would be an insult to my husband of 48 years to not cope with this. Be that bully!
Good coping strategy wirry, whatever works for you. Sending you love and strength to carry on xx
I can see so much of my approach in what you have said. I think the positive internal dialogue is really important, and probably quite difficult to maintain. If I feel to be failing then I just switch to what I think my wife would be saying, and she never minced her words, and then I know I can’t fail…it’s not an option. I’ve also found it useful to set myself challenges, things that it would be easier to avoid.
I think a bit of determination can go a long way, along with an ability to evaluate and take stock.
I really get the idea of it being an insult to not cope. I know how much my wife wanted to live and it then becomes like a duty to live on as well as possible.
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Good on you Yorkshire Lad, I am determined to keep going with the same mindset, I know I will have the odd bad day when the tears will win, but I know my husband will be on my shoulder saying “ok, now pick yourself up and get on with your life!” My challenge yesterday was to have a day out at a rececourse (my daughter works there) and on my way home go into a pub and have a glass of wine - alone!!!
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Oh wow ,it’s great to read Yorkshire Lad and Wirry.message.
I’m struggling, and worse my health has failed me to keep the fight.almost 8 months and I’ve not picked up,I seem to be so tired ,but manage to get my housework done ,and sort the animals out .like you good days and bad days .
My DAUGTHERS say I’m doing good .its just my health that needs to be sorted than I’ll be back to normal.fighting.
It’s lovely to see you both are pushing yourself.im thinking of u both and hope soon I’ll be mended and fit to carry on jeanette.
Dear Kay,
It’s so early for you, you will feel alll those feelings of sadness heartache loneliness it’s very painfull.
For me it’s over a year since my husband died and there are periods of time when I feel a bit of positivity, mornings when I don’t wake up and cry and days when I don’t feel sad and lonely but today I feel so low and feel what’s the point in all this but I try to remember the times I don’t feel so sad and they do get more as time goes on. You won’t believe it at the moment and I have to remind myself of it when I’m feeling sad.
And Miki pity you don’t live near me I like to cycle swim and kayak and I always feel better when I’m doing those things. For me, meeting a friend for a walk and coffee or doing an activity I enjoy has been my saviour and try to think tomorrow I will feel better.
Lots of love to all xxx
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There are somethings where determination and a positive mindset aren’t enough, and I’m sure that, like you, I would have been massively held back by a serious health issue. I have a health issue and I have been able to use it as a focus, but it was just a knee problem. In a way it’s been a useful addition to my cause. A year ago I could only walk a few hundred yards and, little by little, I’ve managed to get up to 11 miles. I feel so grateful for that as it means I can get back to walking with a group I walked with until five years ago when my wife became ill. That was a big challenge, and it was extremely important to me. I just need to learn how to handle the resultant night cramps now.
It’s difficult to have patience and rely on gradual improvement but sometimes it’s the only option. I hope you can hang on in there and look to that improvement. Hope and belief are so important.
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Thank u so much ,I’ll hang on to that ( Hope and belief ).
God bless night night. Jeanette.
Hello Ithaca
I am still struggling and seem to have lost a layer of skin so am finding talking to friends so difficult
People I was so sure of are avoiding me but others are being very caring
It’s like being in a foreign country where you just don’t speak the language
There is one thing that I have learnt in the right weeks since my husband died that I should like to pass on
I have joined a bereavement group and it felt like coming home
The warmth and understanding is so wonderful after all the awkward conversations with friends and acquaintances
No need to feel apologetic if my voice breaks or having to smile and fit in with everyone
At last I can be myself with fellow grievers
It’s only once a week so I’m looking for other groups of like minded people and realise not only have I lost Tom but I may have to shed a few friends
I also have had some online counselling which helped a lot
It is a surreal world that we’re living in after losing our soulmates and we must just do what we can to survive
I think we have to be selfish and discard those who hurt us even though it may not be intentional
We need to feel we fit in somewhere so I’m going to go on looking for bereaved friendships in my area
I think that is what this forum has taught me so far
Take care of yourself
Kay xx
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Hello Kay alone
Yes I agree it can be very difficult to communicate with people who haven’t experienced this heartbreak and loss. My husband died almost 10 weeks ago now and it feels like 10minutes.
I also joined a bereavement group and have one to one counselling too. Only one session of each so far but it felt like it will be helpful.
Friends on the whole have been kind and caring and each one has had a different approach in how they are helping me.
Nothing and no one can fill this void, that will be ever present, but I find that if people actually acknowledge that my life is horrible at the moment and that they can’t do anything about it but be there to hold my hand or listen to me crying, that is far better than someone trying to ‘fix it’ for me. When they say ‘I’m calling for you in the morning and we are going a walk in the fresh air whether you like it or not’, that’s good!
The people who tell me that it will be better in the end, that time heals, that I’m strong, that Peter wouldn’t want me to be sad, that they are so grateful now for their own husband, that I should go out and enjoy myself or send me a Have a Happy Easter card, then all those people need a lesson in what not to say or do to a bereaved and unhappy person.
I have decided that grief can’t be treated like an illness it will never get better. It’s like having a huge amount of love but nowhere to put it now! That’s the pain.
We have to hold onto the love we had.
It’s just so heartbreaking not having that physical presence anymore, waking up and realising it’s another day without the love of my life.
Take care xxx
Just take your time as I am ,when I get tearful I get out of bed and start motivating myself,My Daugther has mended the wall in the passage way,and said she’ll come back today and paint it,well I did it ,paint all the wall panels and cut my hedges.Just like my Geoff showed me,Geoff did everything ,so I remember everything he did and I reckon he will be proud.ive only done the road side ,as the batteries went flat so I’ve charged both ready to use tomorrow.Its times like this ,I feel happy ,knowing Geoff will be smiling (Well Done )Gladdies ,that was my nick name Geoff called me. Take care Kay alone .thinking of u .God bless.
Ithaca,this is a lovely group as we are all in the same situation. Talking and sharing our problem,sadness and our ears to help each other. We have all had a same ,friends making a detour around you,or just wave or hi how are u.
That’s a cold and hurting feeling.
On hear everyone hope on and talk all times of the night ,days .When u need to say or cry .We are here.
I love this group ,As I don’t sleep much I’m on reading or messaging ,who needs to talk.Our hearts and prays are with each other like a family.
Finding other people in our town to form a group ,to talk or cuppa .
I’ve not been able to find mybe one day .But until than. My family on here are good enough or me .xxx Jeanette.
Hi Jenny, I have joined a ladies cycling club, there might be one in your area. It is 6 months since my hubby passed away and some days the cycling club helps but other days I feel so down and wonder how I carry on as I miss him so much. Keep strong everyone Miki xx
Well done Miki for making that supreme effort in joining the cycling club, it’s not easy. everything seems to be an effort. We sold our bikes last year when my husband began to weaken and couldn’t cope anymore. Then he went and bought an electric bike which gave him so much pleasure in his last months. But I hadn’t got a bike by then after years of cycling. Perhaps I’l take it up again but for the present I enjoy walking miles with my dogs and I am a member of the ramblers, although not been out for a while, preferring to be alone . You have given me a push and I will look at the ramblers program. It will be hard as some of them will ask after Brian. He was a walks leader, so it will be hard, but isn’t everything. It’s up to us to make the effort. So well done. Pat xxx
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Hi Pat, give the ramblers a go, having a walk in the fresh air with friends will do you good. Most of my cycling club didn’t know Chris my hubby but they want to know about him and it’s lovely telling them tales of what we got up to. Some days I just cycle along with my own thoughts and tears but it certainly helps being out with a bunch of strong women who have helped me enormously. Many of us are doing the Sue Rider Bronte Sportive that has a section hill climb in it, in memory of Chris. All of the above helps me but I do have dark lonely days when I can’t believe he has gone and I miss him so much. Love to all of you over the Easter weekend Miki xx
Yes I agree, walking for miles seems to be the only thing that gives me any help. I’m not sure about the company of other people at the moment as I don’t like being in groups of people, preferring my own company… I hate having to keep telling people that he died and the look on their face, don’t know if I’m ready for that yet, so it’s just me and the dogs at the moment. Did a long walk today and will again tomorrow Early morning start so back before it get’s too hot. Happy cycling. Pat
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Hello
I also find walking alone,or with just one other person who knows the circumstances, easier than being with a group.
Today has been very difficult.
First Easter without my husband and the beautiful sunny day seemed to emphasise all he is missing out on.
Cried a lot and feel exhausted tonight but don’t want to go to bed just yet.
Xxx