I really don’t think I can cope without my beautiful wife ,we done everything,shared everything,lived in each other’s pockets I suppose,we were so in love.breast cancer took her away 8 weeks after diagnosed,at the age of 57, having been together 28 years.I’ll be 53 in August ,that’s if I make it,………I don’t know how to get through a day,IThe support I have is slowly dwindling away,and I’m not stupid,everyone has got their own lives to get on with,that is apart from me.I’ve spent today all on my own ,crying and feeling scared,frightened at what’s going to happen to me.we never had children,and right now I feel very vulnerable, and can’t face being on my own,I’m not the type of guy to go walking on my own,go to a pub on my own,I just couldn’t do these things…….I wish there was some sort of place where I could live,with a communal room so when you’re feeling isolated you could go down and be with the same sort of people……….I’m missing my wife,she passed away. A week ago tomorrow…….and I just can’t see it getting any better,I’m in bed now just wanting the day to end……….why did my beautiful wife have to go,she never hurt anyone
I am so very sorry for your loss and totally understand what you mean about wishing I was in some sort of communal setting where I could see other people when I wanted (I am basically a cat!)
I lost my mum 10weeks ago and we always lived together, in each other’s pockets. Always just the two of us against the world, support each other through crappy times and best friends truly
On Thursday an acquaintance of mine who lost his wife about 12 weeks ago, very much in a situation like you, came and took me out to tea as I have lost my appetite again and it would be good for him to do something. It was genuinely nice to spend time just talking about his wife, the oddities of this grief we have been thrown into, the madness and fear of it all.
Sometimes we hide under the covers (I moped in bed until 5pm today) others days a burst of energy hits and you do something energetic.
Be kind to yourself. We are still in the very raw hours of this.
Post here, about how you feel, tell us about your wife or talk about something totally different. Whatever helps
Moment by moment, and I hope you have a peaceful night
Best, Beki
Donant, so sorry your wife died. Your grief is so very raw, I remember how overwhelmed, crazy and lonely I felt when my Marti had just died. We were glued at the hip, very content being with each other, we didn’t have friends and wasn’t bothered by that. But a few months ago I had to get out of the house, I felt worried and lonely but needed to talk to people, I met new people local on a friendship group on-line. I also go swimming. I have amazing friends who are bereaved that I met on here and we chat everyday on WhatsApp, they have been so supportive. I hope you have family you can reach out to.
Grief is really odd, but I understand now that the hard days come and then the good days pop in. I don’t cry everyday anymore. Life has got a bit easier.
Just take one day at a time.
Amy x
Hi donant, I’m so sorry for your sad loss of your beloved wife, 28yys together, soul mates, your words just echo so openly how close you were and the beautiful love you shared. Your loss is extremely raw at the moment, and my heart goes out to you. It’s hard to see beyond day by day, I know, I felt the same when I lost my dear dad 7 months ago, I truly didn’t care if I woke up or not the next day, grief does this to you, it takes a lot of strength to face another each day but you can do it, just time is needed. Reaching out to others help whether it’s here on this community group or in person, don’t bottle things up, talk to those who understand and can help you in these dark days you are facing. We are here for you when you need to chat
Hi Donant. I too was with my partner 28 years. She passed awat from cancer last Oct. It was second time round for both of us. I’m 70 now and totally understand what you were saying about going out on your own. Because I’m retired I’ve got a lot of time on my hands but I force myself to go out. I don’t like it but I do go into pubs by myself but I always feel like ’ Billy no mates’ If I haven’t got a newspaper to read I stay for one and leave. We also had no children, together or in our previous relationships. I do have one great friend who comes to see me once a week but like my few realitives he’s got a family and his own life to lead. I recently joined a walking group where I live thinking that it would enable me to meet people which I did and they were all very nice but all in couples. Again I was the odd one out. I am so afraid that it is what it is and difficult as it is we just have to adapt to a new way of life although I have to tell you I struggle with it most of the time. Now I live alone some days I am totally consumed with grief and as there is no one here to see or that I feel I should hold it together for I just look at her photo and cry. I am sorry for your loss but you are far from alone. We’re all in this club that none of us wanted to join. My best wishes to you.
The answer to your question is we often don’t cope. We are the same as you and it is no surprise you feel so desperate as you are still in the very early stages of your grief. You must also be dealing with the extreme shock of your wife dying within 8 weeks of diagnosis. I had breast cancer so can understand how shocking it must have been to be diagnosed as secondary from the beginning - so cruel and unfair.
I am 5 months since my husband died suddenly and I still have awful days (yesterday was one) but not every day is now like that. I have days where I cry less. I hope you will get to the same stage eventually.
You have a lot to get through yet though and it won’t be easy. Keep reaching out here and getting support from people who understand.
Morning,
No rule book I’m afraid.
Very early days for you and nothing anyone says just now will be what you want to hear.
But keep reading /commenting other threads on here, which I do regularly, and believe it or not it does help.
I’m 15 months down the line - I keep thinking hubby will walk thru the door - but try to accept it was just his time.
Grief does scramble your thoughts, but the fog will slowly, slowly begin to lift - just not straight away.
G. X
Just wanted to offer my support. I am 14 months down the line after loosing my husband in April 2021. He went from being ok to dying in the space of 5 weeks. Such a shock. We had been together 32 years and I was with him from when I was 16. Once the funeral was over everyone just disappeared back to their own lives - it’s so very hard isn’t it.
I remember the first 4 or 5 months when I felt so anxious and scared having the realisation that at 48 I was on my own for the first time ever. I rarely left the house for many months and cried everyday.
Now 14 months later all I can say is that my grief will always be with me but I am coping and learning to live with it better. I no longer cry everyday and am sleeping better. I’ve started going out socially again after joining a local friendship group which I forced myself to do because of the loneliness. Small steps I know but I know I have to try and build a new life for myself.
I guess I’m trying to say that even though it’s unimaginable for you at the moment things will become easier to bear over time. This site will provide you a space to say what you need to, whenever you need to because we get it. Keep posting.
Thank you,and I’m sorry for your loss,I’m 52 and I can’t imagine being 48 and how you must of felt at the time.
I know it’s going to take a very long time for me,I’m not good at doing anything on my own,we’ll I could never walk into a pub/ cafe and have drink/ food on my own,I’ve never done it,I’m just not that type of person,I’m going to struggle to walk on my own,I mean 28 years of someone by your side,and in your case even longer is so hard to adjust being on your own.My brother has been brilliant but he’s back in work tomorrow,What am I going to do???…….I have no idea and I’m so scared
Oh Donant this resonates with me so much. I recently lost my mum and we were joined at the hip - a team, us against the world etc. I am 48
I have anxiety and in the past it has given me bad panic attacks etc and I fear them coming back with a vengeance l, right now I don’t what is grief anxiety, what isn’t etc. The one thing I have always had left over is not travelling on my own or walking out on my own - I can hold down a high powered job from home, interview celebrities but ask me to walk to the corner shop and I crumble
I’d suggest keep posting here, feel free to message me if you would like. How about some online socialising - a watch party or zoom quiz, we could set up a forum one?
One day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time
Big hug, Beki
Hi Beki,
Oh beki thank you,that’s a lovely message.I’m sorry for your loss.Yes it seems crazy,you can do all these amazing things,but like me walking alone is so hard,being alone is so hard.Your idea’s sound great,and yes I’d like to message you,do you mean like I’m doing now or is there a private messaging,sorry but my mind is scrabbled lately,like I got brain fog!!!..……thanks again,and yes it’s good to talk.We are all on a journey we didn’t want to go on.
You can message me here in the thread or if you click my profile B circle I think there is a button to click to send a private message if you prefer.
It does feel like grief is this massive hidden secret or unspoken thing that only gets you in the guts when it hits you. You read reports or articles on adult loneliness but it just doesn’t click with you until you are in it and communities are so different now.
And it takes real bravery to stand up and say, hey I am lonely/scared etc. So much of social media is filtered fabricated dross yet we don’t want to bring the mood down - sod that, let it out lol!
best, Beki
Here Here!!!..……You are so right,I used to read articles about loneliness and it really is a killer,but you never think it’s going to happen to you.As for crying and being scared yes I think it does take a bit of bravery,and these last few weeks,just like yourself,I have cried and cried and cried,to anyone who is with me at the time,but I do feel a little better after it,not much mind you!!!..………I think I’ll message you privately if you don’t mind next time,I’m assuming there’s some sort of notification if you’ve got a response……….
My brother has just left,a bit later than his usual 7pm,but as soon as he goes it’s blinds shut up to bed,on iPad for awhile then try to sleep!!!..…… I can’t seem to sit down in the living room yet all alone.
Ah sitting in the living room watching TV alone - I couldn’t do that when Mum was alive, people forget even TV watching often has a social aspect to it. If you are watching a comedy it is often all the better for watching someone else laugh at it too if you see what I mean.
My Granddad has come to stay for the week and watch comedy each night he is here. I’ve even start watching the soaps he watches. I used to think they were awful but now I see how they act as a time anchor for people, a bit of structure in the day and telling the days apart.
Sometimes watching quiz shows even if they aren’t your thing can be a good start as they can distract your mind a bit more. Richard Osman’s House of Games is a good one and the 1% Club
I’m sure the system will notify me of any messages and I tend to check in a few times a day lately
Hi Donant, like you my beautiful wife passed away recently (April 29th) and everything you said I can resonate with. We were also together 28 years (married 26.) For me reading on this site has helped as I previously thought how can anyone understand…but they can and even offer great wisdom which has enabled me to realise we are not alone. Another thought(amongst many) was how do I manage without my rock next to me. Someone else here said “day by day” which is what I am now doing and not contemplating the future yet. You had 28 years together and must have some beautiful memories, when I feel too grief stricken I think of one of Carole’s smiles or look at a photo. I am lucky to have met and married the love of my life and for her I will continue, I hope you do too. Sending love
Joe
hi mate my wife died 7 days ago, im alone for the first time in 34 years 13.5 years with the love of my life.
its the biggest thing im scared of, being alone but you know what mate ive got great friends , 2 sons , 1 step son.
list all the folk you know to talk to, go see them , dont wait for them to come to you, i get that folk have lives but if you regress into yourself it will get worse.
mate the way i look at it is this. She will not want you to be like this , she wants you to be happy , she knew youd be hurting . You must force yourself to go see folk when you are ready .
the people will stop texting, calling etc , only you can go make the life you have a bit better, Give it a bit of time mate , i am but i will be back out there when im ready because its what my wife wanted , she loved me so much she told me to love again .
doubt i can love again but i get it that she wants me happy not sad
Beki, a little green dot comes up on the profile circle, if you have a private message. You find them in the pink envelope icon
Debbie X
Thank you ,that’s a lovely message.Yes this site does help a lot.Sorry for your loss,and yes when the pain and grief is bad I think of my Donna,wonderful Donna.we are lucky to of met, married and spent so many years with our soulmates………cheers joe
Donant So sad for you i lost my husband in january after 40 years we had 4 weeks from diagnoses i do have family but i miss him so much im 64 and miss the things we done togeather even the grocery shopping your grief is so raw at this time and the loneliness you feel is devastating take small steps that you feel comfortable with its also good to cry we did get a puppy 8 months before my husband died so i do take dog walks and chat to people other then family which helps xxxx
Thank you and sorry for your loss. I cry all the time,my wife and I did everything together and with no children I feel/ am all alone……I have a brother who has been brilliant but he’s got his life and girlfriend……28 years we had together and I’m only 52 and I feel worthless,feel so lonely go to bed at 8 because I want the day to end.Tomorrow my brother won’t be around,what do I do all day……I just feel so awful,so scared and missing my wife