How do you carry on?

I lost the love of my life my wonderful husband 10 weeks ago. He was my absolute everything, my best friend always and my reason to get up every day. I just loved being with him and never tired of things to say to him.

His death was cruel and traumatic as he died suddenly and unexpectedly while we were out. The day he left home neither of us realised he would never return.

I have never cried so much in my life and tears are never far away. I dont know how I am going to carry on without him and everything in my lifeI feel hopeless and every day is just a struggle to get through. I will never be able to do the same things or go to the same places and feel so sad for him too being taken so cruelly. He will never see the grandchildren he adored grow up and Im saddened.

As he left the house expecting to come back he left things to return to but I am unable to move anything of his his yet and want to leave it where he left it. I dont know if anyone is the same but I dont want his things touched at all.

Devastated is how I feel and I am so glad I found this site with others in the same boat and feeling the same pain thats unbearable. It is comforting to share others experiences in the same situation.

Im doing my best to get through each day …

Rosa

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Hi Rosa

So sorry you have suffered the traumatic loss of your husband. It has only been a short while and you are probably still in shock. My husband died in October. He went to bed and didn’t wake up. We had been out the previous day and there was no warning. I also had several more shocks at the same time. I was absolutely in pieces. My doctor wanted to give me antidepressants but I didn’t want to take them. What helped me was hypnotheraphy. The therapist taught me breathing exercises and gave me different techniques to use when I was feeling sad, fearful or anxious. I still use meditation on a regular basis and I find it does help. The realisation that we will never do some of the things we used to or go to some of the same places is very hard. Awful as this is, we have to be grateful for the time we had together and the love we shared - not everyone gets to experience that. We were very lucky.

You are doing well to get through each day. Don’t worry about his ‘things’ there is no rush. It is something you have to do in your own time. I was able to let my husband’s clothes go after three months but there are still lots of personal items that I haven’t touched yet.

This site is brilliant. There is always someone who is ready to listen and offer help and advice. Just take it a day at a time.

Sending you a hug

Yvonne x

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I am so sorry Rosa, but 10 weeks is such a short time to be even thinking of moving your husband’s belongings. What you need to do is grieve and don’t put pressure on yourself to sort things out. I know there is paperwork to be sorted but the unimportant things can wait. Take time to mourn the man you spent many happy years with, cry and scream until your throat hurts. I did.

I honestly sometimes think I am not the right person to be giving advice on grieving because my husband died nearly 3.1/2 years ago and I still cry for him. I went to bed tonight, tossed and turned and burst into tears so I got up. It is the pain of knowing I will never see him again, there are so many things I want to talk to him about, so many things he has missed and I want to tell him all about them.

Nearly 2.1/2 years after my husband died I decided to sort his clothes out and give them to a charity, but that is all I have done, I still have all his belongings, records from the 1960’s, 45, EP, LP, cassettes etc. I have kept every single one of his books, everything is where he left them in the bookcase and record cabinet. I have his watches, bracelet, I had his wedding ring adjusted and engraved and I now wear it all the time. I still have his ashes in the cabinet in our front lounge where he used to love to sit. They give me peace, knowing he is still here with me, but I just wish I could talk to him. I have our wedding photos on the wall, we were married in 1967 and it sometimes feels as if it all happened yesterday as my memories are so clear, but other days it seems as if he is going further into the past and I am leaving him behind.

Our grandchildren were only very young when he died and he has missed so much.

I don’t have a future to look forward to anymore, my future was with my husband.

I wish I could tell you that you will go to bed tonight and it will all have been a nightmare, but I can’t, because I have wished and wished night after night for my husband to come back to me. I kept all his clothes for 2.1/2 years because I thought it was all a mistake and when he did come home he would find everything waiting for him. Everything else is still waiting for him.

I am 75 years old and I honestly don’t know if I am crying for myself or because my husband is not here because my life means nothing without him. I have a family, but they have moved on, just like I did when my dad died when I was 25. But I had Peter with me to get me through it, now I have only myself and I just can’t get over the fact he is not coming back.

I am so terribly sorry, my heart aches for you because what you are going through brings it all back to me. There are so many people on this site grieving for a lost loved one and we are all here for each other.

Please take care.
Sheila

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Hi Rosa.

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s 7 months for me and I had a couple of years warning that my husband would not be around for long as he had serious heart problems , and was in heart failure and would have hated being stuck in a chair on oxygen and me having to look after him, but it’s still a shock to lose him, but for you it must be worse I think.

I haven’t sorted out yet the case with his clothes in as we were on holiday, just can’t face it, and I haven’t moved anything either . It would have been our 46th anniversary on 22nd I have no idea how I will be, at the moment I take one day at a time. I’ve been awake since. 4 am thinking about things and in tears , I am still devastated and feel alone , even though I see the family and friends . The thing is when I am having a bad day I don’t want to burden the family or friends with it so I just keep myself to myself and when asked if I am ok I say yes. I feel mentally and physically exhausted and fed up with feeling sad, making decisions that only I can make, sorting endless stuff out etc but I know I have to get on with it. I miss the laughter, and the love and miss us, we didn’t need to go out and about we were happy just doing nothing or anything but I am glad we had that, some people never do.

I think we all have to be kind to ourselves. I was speaking to someone the other day who reminded me that years ago people would wear black for a period of mourning, and it was out of respect for the departed but also so people would know and be sympathetic for those who were going through the terrible loss. I remember my mum would never wear black tops or coats as she wore black for 12 months after my man died.

Take care and I agree that this site is a good outlet

J xx

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Thank you Yvonne as your words are comforting and I am interested in Hypnotherapy to help me with the trauma of the day he died in front of me. I am on tablets which help me get through but I do need some other help to stop going over and over everything. A friend had suggested hypnotherapy as it had helped her (although with something completely different).

I do try and look at the positives of how blessed I was to have spent a long time with such a special man and shared such wonderful happy times together but its the sadness that we will never be able to do any of those things again or the things we planned together.

The sun is shining which makes me sad as he’s not here to see the spring and summer but I will get through another day.

Best wishes to you Yvonne.

Rosa

Dear Rosa, I am so sorry to read your post, its heartbreaking, as others have commented, its still early days for you.

Its strange, but I fretted so much about moving his clothes and personal belongings ~ way before it was necessary. There is no time-scale, just wait until the time feels right for you. Its five months for me now, and I still have quite a lot of his beautiful clothes in the house. He was the smartest most stylish man I have ever known, and I miss him so much that it hurts……

I keep coming back to this website, especially on difficult days like today.

I hope that you will find some comfort in sharing on this website, I certainly have done. Take care and a big hug x

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Thank you and it is comforting to share these things as until you are in this situation you cannot imagine how bad you are going to feel. I sometimes feel my chest is going to explode and I feel so bad when I get upset. Its so hard loving someone so much.

Thank you Sheila for sharing how you feel and how you have coped with your terrible loss.

At this time I cant ever see a time when I will want to get rid of anything of my husbands. I feel guilty driving the car that I always thought of as his and he loved it especially as driving was the last thing he did before he parked the car.

I feel pressure from others to do things and to make decisions which I feel unable to make. I have dealt with some of the paperwork but really I am clueless about alot of things as I just let my husband deal with them

I too have gone to bed night after night hoping and praying it was all a bad dream and feeling hopeless and so sad when I realise it isnt and this lonliness I have to try and get used to but dont think I will.

There are times I take comfort for all the wonderful happy memories we have shared. I know we were blessed to share what we did together but it all ended in such a painful and traumatic way. He was such a kind and lovely man and I miss him so much it hurts. x

Hi

I know exactly how you feel and I don’t think I will ever feel totally happy again. I too am trying to concentrate on the good memories but it’s hard because none of us want to be in this wretched situation of having to live a different life, we were happy with our old life.

I also have decisions to make but everyone has different opinions and so in the end my family say to do what I want.! Someone said the other day to me that I could do what I wanted now , go,where I want, choose what I want but that’s no compensation for what I have lost, I think they were only trying to make me look at things differently.

I hope we all manage to get some sleep tonight it’s exhausting.
Jx

Oh Rosa, what you said about your husband’s car is what I always thought about my husband’s car. It was always classed as his. I could never drive, never wanted to, never needed to until he died.

We had a massive 8 seater SUV because just before he started being seriously ill and on oxygen 24/7 we bought it as he always felt better in the large car due to his breathing not being good but in the car he was fine, never had a moments trouble.
We took out all our family, sons and our grandchildren on day trips, he loved that car.

A few months after my husband died, the insurance and road tax was due so I asked one of our son’s to sell it for me and it was bought by a couple with three children. I could not handle it so I just left it to our son to do it all. When I saw the car being driven away, I sobbed my heart out.

Our son told me, after the car had gone, that the couple spent all their holidays in Devon, loved trainspotting and all kinds of transport and went all over to football matches.

That is exactly what we used to do, my husband had the same hobbies, he was football mad and he loved transport and trainspotting. When I die our ashes will be scattered in Devon where we spent so many wonderful holidays. I felt then that the car had gone to exactly the right family.

We will never get over what has happened, it feels like our life has ended, which in a way it has because nothing will ever be the same again, no matter what we do or where we go it will always be without our husband’s and that in itself is killing me.

I just hope and pray we can find peace and acceptance somewhere along the line, but whatever happens life will have changed and not for the better.

Love

Sheilax

Hi Junecx.

Someone once said that to me. You can now go and do whatever you want.

I told them that there was nowhere I wanted to go, nothing I wanted to do that I have not already done in the 47 years we were married. We travelled all over the world, we were there, two young people in love at the start of the 60’s and saw all the pop group’s. We danced to American and British pop groups at the dance halls. We were together when technology kicked off and knew what it was like not to have a phone in the house never mind a mobile phone.

If I had just one wish and could go and do whatever I wanted I would ask to go and be with Peter, nothing more, nothing less.

Love

Sheilax

Hi Everyone

It’s been an emotional day for me. I didn’t sleep too well and I too have so many decisions to make. Finding it all a bit overwhelming. This morning I kept making silly mistakes which upset me. It didn’t take long to dissolve into tears. I decided to spend some quiet time at the cemetery this afternoon. Not going to accomplish much today so have decided to leave everything until tomorrow.

Today has been a setback but hope I can get going again in the morning.

Yvonne

Oh dear Yvonne, tell me about it, it is one setback after the other for me too. I decided to go in the garden and plant all my bushes. but after I did some on Monday I could not move the day after, I felt as if I have the 'flu so been stuck in all week, mainly in and out of bed.

I am going to get myself a shower now and then going to bed. Just cannot stop sleeping. One time I cannot sleep then another I can’t keep awake. I am sure it is the grieving that is messing with our bodies.

I am sick of being fairly OK one week, then back in the doldrums another. But we just keep plodding on.

Take care.

Sheila x

Everyone grieves differently. I haven’t kept my husband’s clothes except for 2 jackets and a few waistcoats. But I do have his glasses, wallet phone and the last KitKat I bought him. They stayed by my side for many months but now in a memory box beside my bed with photos. I miss him more than words can say we were married 43 years and his passing was traumatic as it was unexpected (as probably a lot the same with many of you) his ashes have yet to be scattered. I take each day as it comes now. Some good some bad. I have my children and they are a boom to me. Take care all.

Hello Jerry, I too gave my husbands clothes away 2.1/2 years after he died, but kept back his sports jacket, shirt, tie and trousers. I have kept absolutely everything else he ever owned from the day we met in 1964. I have every card we sent to each other, dried roses from my wedding bouquet, the list goes on. They are going nowhere. If someone offered me a million pounds for them I would not sell anything. What I have is a reminder of our lives together from the day we met in 1964.

Our son sold my husband’s car a few months after he died as I never could drive, never wanted to, never needed to, so it was always classed as his car but it needed taxing and insuring again.

His phone and aftershave is in his bedside cabinet, I still have all the photos on the phone he took, and I downloaded them onto the computer but kept them on his phone. All his contacts are still there.

I am surrounded by our things and they are made up of the love we shared throughout our lives together. I have piles of photo albums of all the countries we visited.

His ashes will stay with me until it is my turn to go then they will be scattered together. Together in life, together in death.

When we made our wedding vows all those years ago, we said until death do us part, I never thought much about that vow as I thought we would be together forever but as far as I am concerned, we are still married and always will be until the day we are together again.

Rosa,

This is so awful for you- the suddenness makes it so hard to bear my partner went out and never came back. In our wildest dreams we’d never have imagined this could happen. I constantly yearn for him to return as I’m sure you do for your husband.

I struggle to get through the day as well and go to bed knowing I’ve got to do it all over again the next day.

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, even knowing the same thing has happened to others doesn’t help me.

Best wishes and take care of yourself.

I feel for you Rosa .My partner died on the 28th feb after 23yrs together .W were to be married this month .But a Deep vein thrombosis killed him he died in my arms .i will never get over this.so I no wat u going through life is so cruel sylvia

Rosa.
There is no right or wrong approach to parting with your husbands clothes only what feels right for you. You may never want to part with them. I’m fortunate to have a spare bedroom. Bit by bit all but the most treasured things have gone into the spare bedroom as a half way house. I didn’t have to make any immediate decisions; they were there if I wanted to see them. I quickly came to realise that “clothes don’t make the man” or, in my case, the woman. I have what I want in my heart.
I don’t go in that room, I don’t need to and I’ve reached the stage where I’m ready to let them go. You’ll find that most charity’s will collect and they will ensure that your donated items are not sold in your local shops if you specify this. I’d like to think that someone else will find the same pleasure that my wife felt when these were hers.
I won’t need to agonise over every dress, every pair of shoes. I’ll simply point them toward the spare bedroom and tell them to empty it. I’ve learned a really important lesson that I thought I knew but only now does it feel so true, these are only material things, they don’t matter. My wife left without them so why should I hold on to them now? I have my memories.

Hi Kester

I lost my husband on a cruise ship last September and have stil not unpacked his case. I can’t … I have tried so it’s still a spare bedroom. I know I will have to do it sometime but even the clothes in our bedroom are still there . I think you have given me an idea and I may follow your lead, maybe not tomorrow but it’s a good idea.

Thank goodness for this forum, and I am so sorry for your loss. It’s 8 months for me so still a bit raw.

Regards

June x

Hello June

I completely understand how you feel about your husbands case as my husband died suddenly too on a journey. I have not touched anything he was carrying or anything he left in places before he went out of the house that awful day. I just can’t move anything of his yet although everyone says I will in time.

I think because he went so quickly and I had no chance to tell him how much I loved him and I keep going over that day and could anything have been done differently. I just can’t make any sense of it and his things are my ways of feeling close to him.

Have you been able to come to terms with the shock and trauma and did you have any help. I’m nearly 13 weeks of my darling husband leaving me and it’s all so painful.

Thank you everyone on here as reading your letters and feelings help you not feel so isolated from everyone just going about their daily lives and how no idea of the devastation in your life when you lose your husband or wife.

Rosa