It has been almost a year since my dear and wonderful husband died. Much of that time is a blur to me. I’m not sure how exactly I got through it. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. Pain, sadness, anxiety, anger, fear and a terrible loneliness. My life has shattered into a million pieces and I don’t know how to put together a life that has any meaning. It is almost worse than at the beginning because I think I was numb and also had so much paperwork and details to work through I was distracted from the full force of the grief. And I think most people expect me to have moved on and “gotten better.” Now I am faced with how to carry on without the person who gave my life meaning, knew me best, was my rock and support, my partner, best friend, lover. I don’t know what to do or which way to turn. Covid isolation just compounds the situation. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. There have been times I have felt like I had a handle on things, but here I am dissolved in tears, feeling empty and directionless and way worse than ever.
I don’t know the answer but feel similar.
I feel so alone now. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to take medication. I don’t know what to do about everything falling apart around me. I do feel like I’ve been much stronger than I ever would have believed but this isn’t a heroic fable this is my life and its pointless as no matter how strong I am or what I solve I cannot resuscitate him and that’s the core of it all.
Jane if you were to move forward into your “second-best” life what does that look like if all other problems you have could be solved? I can’t imagine a good life yet but sometimes think if my horrible neighbours moved, if my house had everything working and I knew who to ask for reliable help for different things. if I made some good reliable friends. if I became important to some people somehow. if I learn to drive. if I keep my cats healthy. if my family get happy again somehow… if I joined clubs or garden or had motivation to to things. if I keep my job and get good at it again. If the rats leave my house, even then though I’m not sure it’s any good and that’s the best I can imagine… without him it’s hard to have dreams worth aiming for.
Can you think how your second best future could be, what would need to happen?
Thanks for your response, Fleur. I’m so sorry that we are in this state. It truly sucks. And yes, the first best life would be with our husbands by our side. And yes, it is hard to think of a life without them. I have no idea what my second best life would or could be. At first, like you, I faced so many logistical and practical problems–mountains of paperwork, worrying about income, doing chores and fixing things around the house. And I have managed. I have come to the place where a lot of those practical details have been finished and solved. And not having those things to put my energy and time into, I have just deflated. And now I have moved into a new level of grief. One that is more empty, lonely, and sad than ever. I no longer have the distraction of most of those other things. And I just can’t imagine what my next steps will be. I often feel like just getting in the car and driving away–escaping. But to where and to do what? And Covid makes that impossible now anyway. That’s the closest I have been able to come in imagining a future. When i think about the future I get frightened. Things work best if i just take a day, an hour, a minute at a time. I truly don’t know which way to turn in any large way.
I’m so sorry about your horrible neighbors and all the other things that are weighing on you. I know that even with support, without our partners it is so difficult. And mostly I am sorry that we are in this club that nobody wants to belong to. I send you love and good thoughts and so appreciate your supportive words. Thanks for listening and for being there. I am here if you need to talk. Jane2
It’s nearly four months since I lost my beautiful wife things do seem to be changing, I still cry everyday, I hate the moment I wake up in the morning because I don’t want to, I cannot think of a life without my girl, but what can you do? Suicidal thoughts are never far from my mind but I could not do that to my family and to be truthful I could not do it. So a future life at the moment is not a thing I can get my head around at the moment, so it is one sad day at a time for me, but I do thank all that are on this site although I wish with all my heart no one needed to seek it after a personal loss but I do think we have all been a crutch for each other
Keep well try to be strong
Ron
Hi Jane2
I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.
It’s only been 5 weeks for me (yesterday) and the sad feelings and heartaches are just getting worse. I can’t see when it’s going to feel any better, or if it ever will.
It’s non stop tears nearly all day with every single thought in my mind of us together. He was the love of my life and best friend. I need him back with me so much. I just feel so lonely without him.
Your loss (and a lot of other bereaved people on here) has been longer than mine, and I don’t know how you cope with it all.
It just feels like we’ll be forever in lockdown, I don’t want to get back to a “normal” life without him, as it will never be again.
Sorry to sound so down, but I just need to release my thoughts and feelings to people who care and are in the same place as me.
Take care.
Dear all
It is just so awfully hard and unbearable. Jane2 I have actually got in my car and drove round for hours - for me it felt like an escape, that I would return home and find my husband sitting in his favourite spot on the settee. I eventually pulled into a car park and just cried and screamed. I am only six months in. Most of the paperwork is complete but on hold as awaiting inquest before probate can be completed. It could potentially be 18 months plus before things are sorted due to delays in court systems. I do not look beyond one day, as just cannot imagine x years without my husband. This week have just lay in bed most mornings. Go to do the things in the house that need done but land up crying as my husband would have been by my side helping me. We were meant to start our retirement together, but all our hard work now counts for nothing and I am lost. My kids need to have their own lives without me around them the whole time. My whole purpose in life has just disappeared in the blink of an eye.
Wedding anniversary approaching, intend to spend the day alone.
Wish none of us were in this same position.
Take care. xxx
Hi all,
I’m just reading this now and each one of your posts has a bit of exactly how I’m feeling. @jane2 how to carry on without my everything Graham. It’s 4 months for me to and @FleurDeLis I feel exactly the same alone, lost, not wanting to carry on and waking up each morning with that gut wrenching ache. I cannot begin to think of what life in the future will look like as it’s not what I want. I’m living one day at a time at the moment as that’s as far forward as I too can think. I was with Graham for 37 years since being 15 he was my world and the last few years I became his full time carer and he was then my everything . I had to give up my job after 32 years to look after him and my contact with the normal world was lost. I would do it all again though as he needed me to be there he would still be here if he hadn’t caught covid in hospital. That makes me angry the remaining time we had together has been stolen. @Ron I truly empathise with that waking up in the morning and it hitting you again I hate it . Thoughts of not wanting to carry on also consume me which my counsellor says is normal . It doesn’t feel that way to me as it’s all consuming . So the same one day at a time is all I can manage. Just feel sad and lost and unless you are walking this path you cannot understand the pain. @sad2 I too am struggling with the prospect of coming out of lockdown. The outside world is looking forward to getting some life back. Mine will never be the same again and I honestly cannot face the outside world. Seeing other couples is heartbreaking even going to the supermarket remembering foods I used to buy for him… @Sheila26 that’s how I feel about my grown up daughter she has her own life to live and cannot be there 24/7 for me. She is grieving for her dad too my loss is just different to hers as her life carries on mine as I know it has gone which fills me with sadness and fear. Heartbreaking 
. I’m so glad I found this site as there is a lot of support on here. Take care all. Julie x
hi all, it is all so horrible. I feel just the way you describe and I can’t see any way of it ending. You struck a chord, Julie, when you mentioned seeing couples. Some days when I go for a walk I see couples arm in arm or holding hands, like we used to do and it makes me smile , but other times I just want to hit them! Why us? Why not them? Then I think I should tell them to treasure every minute and then I want to cry…so I just go home before I turn into the mad old lady on the hill. My life will never go back to ‘normal’. We will all have to make a new normal when this pandemic is over but I’m not sure it’s one I want. I’m trying to look forward to being able to visit my new grandson when we can travel again, we haven’t even been able to scatter his ashes as my daughter who lives overseas wants to be here with me and her sister when we do. Like you Sheila, our wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks, not looking forward to the day. Ours is the 24th, when is yours? I will think of you. Everyone take care xx
Hi All,
So sorry we are all in this sad, sad place, but it is comforting to hear the supportive and understanding words of those who are experiencing the same thing. And to have the opportunity to unload and release these feelings to those who truly understand.
It helps beyond words. Please take care all. Jane2
I am having an awful day I can’t stop sobbing I just miss my partner so much the tummy churning and heart ache is really bad today, I don’t want to carry on without him. What is my purpose now?
I to am annoyed at happy couples one of our friends texted me to say “we have both had our vaccines today” I was so hacked off my Tim was two weeks away from having his vaccine when he left me.
I am so desperately heartbroken I don’t know how I will ever function again. Nothing not our children or grandchildren who we both adore bring me any joy at the moment.
Virtual hugs from a very sad person,
Julie
I am sorry for us all. Thank you for making me feel less mental though. All the posts are so reassuringly awful and I am really sorry that you all feel like that, like me.
Really wishing for some better hours for you all. I don’t feel as bad right now as I did this morning. Hoping the same for the rest of you. We are getting from one hour to the next, I don’t know where we are going but we are doing it… somehow. Take care everyone.
Hello Quarterman
We all know how you feel on this forum, we are all suffering.
I wish I could say something to make you and others feel better.
I’ve had a week of crying, its exhausting. My Martin would of only have to wait 4 weeks to get his vaccine, this makes me so sad.
I really miss him.
I’m trying to think of things I must do tomorrow, but when I wake up I don’t do anything except think about how lonely I am without Martin.
I was supposed to do food shop today but I couldn’t be bothered, must do it tomorrow otherwise we don’t eat.
I get what you mean that your children and grandchildren don’t bring you joy at the moment, I too feel this way with my children, their grieving is different to ours, they cope in their own way.
It’s very hard to see things will get easier.
I read books on grief and they all say the same that it gets easier in time, we carry our grief forever but it’s not as intense and raw as it is now. At the moment we just wish our days away so we can one day cope.
Sending you a hug.
Amy x
I have been feeling just like you about couples that I see, but I have just come to realise that, one day, those couples will be where we are now. So don’t envy them. One of each of those couples is going to go through this hell too. Be glad for what you had. That’s what I am trying to do but, my goodness, it’s so hard to do that. Hugs, AnnR x
Hi Poppi
Anniversary 13 March which is also my late father’s birthday. It has been 11 years since my dad died but coped as had my husband for support. Just not coping at all. Cried best part of the day. Only managed to get out of bed today because needed to pick grandson up from nursery.
I also fill up with envy when I see couples walking about the local area.
I just do not understand why my hard working, decent husband had to be taken from us and in such shocking circumstances. I would not wish my pain and heart-ache on my worst enemy. I cannot and do not want to think of a life without my husband. I am only just holding on. Had some pretty insensitive comments this week and one of my husband’s relatives plasters how he and his wife are enjoying their retirement on FB nearly every day. I know that other’s will get on with their lives, but cannot bear to think that even family appear to have forgotten my husband so soon.
Not sure how going to get through Saturday. Told my son and daughter to just leave me alone that day.
Take care everyone.
I am sorry for your loss. I to lost my husband to covid, caught in hospital. I retire this month eith no husband to enjoy it with. It seems pointless. Now i dont know whether to retire or not. Our 49th wedding anniversary is on 26th to. Will be staying in with my mels ashes and be together.
Dear,
jane2,
Can relate to you,and so sorry for your loss. It will be 4 years the 1st of September since the loss of my Beautiful Mum,and 2 years the 31st of August since the loss of my Dad,i have bad days and ok days,the mornings are the worst for me,as sleep i find brings a break when i am not aware of the feelings of grief. This site has helped take the edge off of things,so sorry for everyone including me,Lucy,xxx
Dear Lucy3383,
So sorry for your losses --I can relate to having bad days and ok days. Sometimes it seems that I have a handle on things and then seemingly out of nowhere I get knocked to my knees. Wishing better days and peace of mind for us all. Take care, Jane2
I honestly don’t know how you move forward. Feb 22, 2021 was a year I lost my beloved husband. It has gotten worse now than when he first past. The first 7 months I do not remember anything. I am totally lost. He did not have children a d he did everything for me. He was disabled so he was home, cooked and did the bills. He treated me like a Queen and suddenly he was gone. What now? I feel like a robot and the silence is horrific. I lost the best part of me when he passed.
I break down every day. I just miss my Larry.
Everything all of you have said resonates so much with how I am feeling.
I left my parents home to get married and now I find myself alone in our home. Our kids have their own lives and I don’t want to be a burden for them and with Covid it has meant I don’t see them they way I probably would have.
I hope to have grandchildren and maybe that will give me a purpose but I can’t see a future without my wonderful loving husband.
He had just taken early retirement and we never got the opportunity to live our new dream. We worked so hard to get to that point and never got the chance to enjoy it.
I have very good friends but they have their own lives and everyone seems to think I am a year down the line and I should be alright.
How wrong they are, my friend said to me “what’s the point in crying, it doesn’t change anything”!!
I feel like saying, tell me that after you have experienced losing the person you love most and the one person you can share everything with which I hope you never do.l
I tried to get counselling but due to Covid that wasn’t possible.
I only came across this site yesterday and I so hope this helps.
We all seem to have the same thoughts, feelings, anxiety etc.
I lost my Mum Dec’19, my husband Feb’20 and my dear friend of 40 odd years passed away 2 weeks ago and it just feels too much to bear.
Oh hoolia, thats really sad but i do understand every word you are saying. Grandchildren are amazing and if you get some im sure they will help a lot. My friend got through it looking after her grandchildren from babies while her daughter worked. Gave her a purpose. My grandkids are growing up now and its boring at nans, so i dont have that outlet anymore. Your right when you say people expect you to move on. They dont get it because they’ve never been broken hearted. My heart is broken and empty. I feel so alone. Me and 4 walls with mels urn and ashes xx