I’m so sorry that you’re on your own too. It’s been only 8 weeks for me now since I lost my mum. We had always lived together and we lost my Dad in 2007.
I often wonder now ( always did in fact ) how everyone manages when they live alone, with practical as well as emotional things. I was sad to read that your sons hadn’t called you after the storms. I’ll be pleased when the storms are behind us and better weather cones that’s for sure. Pleased to read though that you didn’t have any damage.
I wonder of anyone on her has any strategies to share about living alone and how they get on with everything.
I would be very interested in knowing too any tips on being forced to live alone.
I shared a house with my mum until she passed away in Dec there and now find myself in charge of a house all on my own. I’m no spring chicken but it’s just the emptiness and loneliness that I can’t adapt to.
The bills now all fall to me to pay and I’m dreading the electricity bill coming in and I hate eating on my own so don’t cook.
So if anyone does have any tips I too would be interested in hearing them.
Sorry you lost you mum too. It’s so hard isn’t it?
I was lucky really in that as mum became more frail, I took on things bit by bit so I learned a lot that’s for sure. I’m 58 and mum had looked after me all my life whilst I worked in busy jobs with long hours. How grateful I was for her care and love she gave me. I’ve also got out two little dogs who keep me going and I made a promise to mum a couple of days before she died that she mustn’t worry about me, I’d be ok and that I had to be because I had to look after ‘our girls’.
I find the silence ( apart from some barking ) very hard and I chat away to the dogs and to mum and my dad all the time. So much so that I sometimes end up with a sore throat at the end of the day!
Like you, I hate eating alone. I hate cooking for one and usually end up with a plate of food enough for two that I don’t then really want to eat anyway or, I try to cut it down and get the portion sizes all wrong. I eat but don’t fancy it but again, I made that promise so I have to try to keep it don’t I?
I never quite know when to do washing or cleaning as it doesn’t feel there is much of either to do and yet I’d got very used to doing washing almost daily and cleaning at weekends ……routine I knew has gone, along with so many other things. Im not sure what a new routine should be.
I hate coming in the house after I walk the dogs and still feel I should be calling out ‘we’re back mum’. I hate going to bed as we had our little ‘good night and I love you’ type of routine and it all feels wrong now that there isn’t anyone to say that to in the same way even though I say it anyway. And of course, the worse thing is, nobody answers any more.
Im trying hard to ‘hear’ mum and some of the things she used to say, especially when we were chatting about something or having a little gossip. It doesn’t come easy but when it does, it consoles me for a very short minute and then I’m in tears remembering even the better times.
So, we need lots of tips I think and anyone that has any, I’d be most grateful too.
Take care Suzanne, we are all in this together.
Paula.
X
Just can’t stop crying this evening. I’m off to see my Mum’s best friend tomorrow (first time she’s been in touch since the funeral in November btw) and I put some of Mum’s stuff to one side for her. I got it all out this eve just to ensure it was all in order. In amongst it all there’s a scarf and it smells of her. Oh my lord it knocked me off my feet quite literally. I’ve been so busy working so have felt somewhat distracted from my grief this week if that makes sense.
I don’t want to ignore anyone’s replies amongst my tears and turn your convo round to me so just want to say that I have read them all and acknowledge each and every one of you. I am saddened that some of you feel alone and are not understood by anyone.
I hope you are all ok xxx
It’s odd how a simple thing like a smell can either comfort you or knock you off your feet.
I too am meeting my mum’s best friend this week for lunch for the first time since Xmas Eve…the time before that was her funeral…and this week I will be going through some of her belongings to give her when we meet on Wed. I’m not sure what it will be like but will take it as it comes.
Like you not going to make it about me but just wanted to let you know I and others (although possibly of little consolation) do under and can relate to how you are feeling.
Let us know how it goes and try remember the good times when you smell her
Hello Sal.
I’m so sorry for your sadness and grief today. I really empathise and have done the same as you have many times with the same result. Oddly enough, my mums friend, whose called me every night since mum passed on 27th December has invited me for a cup of tea tomorrow afternoon. My dogs are going for their clip and though it’s kind of her to ask, I’d been going to take mums wedding ring to the jeweller to see if they could resize it so I can wear it daily. It’s also my Dads birthday so, if it doesn’t sound awfully ungrateful, I didn’t really feel much like chatting over a cuppa but I said yes as it caught me off guard.
I think sometimes, when we get a tiny bit of respite, like your example of being busy working, then when that moment comes back, it hits us ever so hard again…….not that it ever went away and as you’ve said before, neither do we want it to but for the right reasons. As the sun starts to shine after the stormy few days we have had and the daffs and primroses and buds start to appear, I find myself wishing with all my heart that mum was here to see the spring arrive, same for my Dad. I bet you we are all thinking the same in that regard.
Take care of yourself Sal and I hope that tomorrow might be a bit easier for you.
Paula.
X
Hi Suzanne and Paula
Thank you both for your kind words, they really did help as I can feel through your words you both just understand. How strange that we’re all seeing our Mum’s friends. Like you I don’t know how it’s going to go as she can be quite outspoken. She was a tonic as far as my Mum was concerned especially in the last six months of her life so I’m forcing myself for her which I presume that’s what we’re all really doing it for.
Happy Birthday to your Dad today Paula. I hope you can manage to remember some lovely memories from past birthdays that will give you some strength to pull you through. My Dad kept my last birthday card to him so I put that up every year. Perhaps buy some spring flowers and put them in a vase next to his photo or light a candle for him. I find some comfort in acknowledging his special day and I really hope you can today. I do also hope your meeting with your Mum’s friend goes ok. I was the same when she phoned me as I don’t really have the time today but felt I had better say yes.
I too have thought exactly the same about Mum not seeing the spring arrive, it’s all these little things that stop us in our tracks and that people just cannot understand. She loved this time of year.
I forgot to say yesterday that one of my friends said that once I’ve scattered her ashes that I’d probably have “closure”. Isn’t it amazing what comes out of people’s mouths.
Paula I do hope your divas get the ‘do’ they asked for today as I’m sure they’ll be fussy with their haircuts!
I will let you know how I get on today.
Thank you both you really helped me to feel better xxx
Thank you for some lovely ideas for Dads birthday. I’ll definitely get some flowers and if I can, a candle too. I’ve no cards from the past, though I do have for mum for that very reason but how lovely that you can do that to mark your Dads birthdays every year.
I had a little chuckle ( thank you for that ) reading your note as mums friend is just the same, very assertive and also, very forthright with how to live life. Hmm….I’ll say no more. In fact, though I say ‘mums friend’, she’s been a friend to both of us over the years and I first met her many years ago walking our dog and she was walking hers. She was about 64 then and is now 84. Mum used to see her every week and then, phone calls every week but a few years ago, mum just stopped doing her share of the weekly calls. I think she couldn’t really be too bothered and found there wasn’t much she could come up with to say. Our friend has a large family and used to chat to mum about them all when mum really didn’t know who was who. Isn’t it funny that your mums friend seems similar?!
I was just clearing my tea things last night when the phone went……I was struggling to ‘ chat’ and dry up with one ear on the news too……I now find I’m rushing each evening to get cleared away before the call. Come the warmer weather when I take my dogs out late on in the evening, heaven only knows what I’ll do. At some point, I’ll need to tell mums friend that I’ve put my bungalow on the market. I dread to think what mums friend will say!
Isn’t it truly amazing that someone said that to you about the time after you scatter your mums ashes. Quite unbelievable really but I’ve heard a lot of people speak of ‘ closure ‘. To be honest, I don’t think they know what they mean but it’s something to say and they have heard others say it so they just replay it.
I’m not sure how I’ll manage with chatting for a couple of hours today. I hope when you have your session, it isn’t too gruelling. We will have to grit our teeth and keep our fingers crossed that we can keep going through it all and heaven a sigh of relief when it’s done. Bless them, they are trying I guess but it really is a bit imposing isn’t it, especially when the assertion comes full and thick. Wed so much rather have our mums to chat with, bless them all, our lovely mums.
one thing to keep in mind, is that our friends did not have the intimate relationship with the people we have lost … so they cannot be expected to always be there for us. I think we know how much we hurt … but even the best of friends we have to protect from our most overwhelming thoughts.