How do your friends treat you

Losing a parent
41

Hi @JP20.J

I am so sorry you are being made to feel like this. The so called friend is nothing short of a bully making you feel so low.
This is an awful thing to say because why someone would be is beyond me but do you think there could be some jealousy somewhere of how attention was on you (albeit for a short while) and she somehow wants to spotlight turned to her? She seems to be creating a little “click” by keeping the others close to her. It’s school ground stuff isn’t it.
I went part time for the last three months of my Mum’s life so I could nurse her and spend precious time with her and when some “well meaning” colleagues contacted me to see how I and Mum were, it almost sounded like they were jealous, dare I say. I kind of managed to drop into the conversation the fact that I wasn’t having fun and it wasn’t a breeze compared to work. Even now I get “so how is it now back being full time”? I’m like “a walk in the park compared”? Not “how are you? It must be hard for you”. All these people still have their parents so have no idea.
You’re better than her and although it’s hard, try and rise above it and draw strength from your Mum. You’re going through enough without wasting time and energy on people you thought were your friends.
We’re here for you and understand, always remember that x

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42

Thank you,i’d appreciate a hug.No I haven’t got a date yet they are meant to be contact me this week.It is very raw,but I’m trying my best to get through x

43

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I went through this after the loss of my mum and then my dad. It’s been nearly 4 years since I lost my mum and 15 months since I lost my dad and I can honestly say I have never felt so let down by my friends. I’m more isolated now than I’ve ever been as it’s just totally changed my friendships and the way I feel about friends… I can’t give you any advice ho to cope with it but I can tell you you are not alone in feeling like this. I think sadly most people are just not good at really being there for others in the long term.

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44

I think the saying ‘You find out who your friends are’ is so true. I have been shocked that some of my closest friends haven’t even contacted me and yet friends who aren’t so close have sent txts and msgs just checking in with me.

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45

It seems like we all are experiencing this with our so called friends. I have close friends who have been great and keep checking in on me but they have their own lives to get on with. Other so called friends I haven’t heard from since mark’s funeral in October. I don’t know if it’s because they don’t know how to cope or what to do or they think it’s been 4 months so I should be ok now.
I know it doesn’t help much but it’s reassuring to know it’s not just me it’s happening to.

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46

Hello Sal.
I’m sorry to read that you’ve lost your mum. I have too, mum died on 27th Dec so just six weeks now. Isn’t it the most dreadful feeling of all?
I was reading your experience of how friends are relating to you and everyone’s replies. I’ve been a bit worried about my feeling around how people are relating to me too. I’m an only child and my Dad died 15 years ago this March. I have no other family and never married so no family of my own. We had all lived together all my life and after mum died, here at home which was her wish, I realised that I’d only ever spent two weeks apart from mum when I was in my late twenties and went on a holiday with a boyfriend. I miss mum so much. I’ve two little dogs, thank heavens for them but they too are sad as they miss their mum too and I can’t explain to them of course.
I’ve two close friend. Normally, we meet about four times and year and keep in touch with emails etc every couple of weeks or so. One friend is sadly undergoing cancer treatments right now so we can’t meet but we keep in touch we we always have together, the three of us. Other ‘ friends’ and really work colleagues ( I’m currently taking some time off work and in fact have given my notice in as I no longer feel I want to work full time as I have all my life and I’m now 58 and lucky I can just afford to reduce my hours and maybe do something a bit different ). What I’ve found is that these other ‘friends’ though I’m sure they are trying to be kind, just won’t leave me alone. I have constant texts and message and people asking how I am, do I ‘ feel mum around me yet?’, telling me I should go on holiday, telling me I should to a further education course and not focus on my dogs.
I’m going to sound very mean and heartless and I’m sure one day, I may be very grateful of the company but I find it overwhelming. I feel they are trying to fill a space and rescue me but what from? Like all of us here, we are grieving and I feel those ‘ friends’ keep on and me and won’t let me be. It’s a dreadful feeling and oh so it tiring. My real friends who know me well, get the balance just right. I’ve learned a lot these past weeks. Of course, I feel lonely, even with my little dogs the house is oh so silent. I have the Tv on all the time just to try to make it sound ‘ normal ‘, I really want that space filled by my mum and dad of course as mums death has also brought dads death back to me. What I feel I don’t want it ‘ friends’ imposing on that space. I guess that’s what I’m feeling anyway. Most days I don’t really know. I feel very guilty not keep thanking them for ‘ keeping in touch ‘ but honestly, with one of them is multiple times every day and I just wish she would stop.
I do hope Sal that your friends get the right balance for you soon. Take care of yourself as best you can. We are all in this together and can only hope we can eventually start to adjust as best we can. I promised my mum when she was at her greatest suffering over Christmas that she could go when she needed to and that’s I’d be ok and would look after our little dogs. Even though I’m in pieces if I’m honest and really don’t know what to do with myself, I’m trying hard not to break my promise to her……xx

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47

When my husband died I text friends that I didn’t want to talk about him. That’s how I could meet up with them. Maybe your friends think that you don’t want to talk about your Mum.

48

Hi @PaulaE

I am sorry for your loss and having read your post I can relate to a lot of it regarding be single only child with no family now around you and I lost my mum a couple of weeks before you :cry: x

But I do wish my friends would carry enough to message me daily as since she passed apart from the first week or so and definitely after the funeral majority of them don’t bother contacting me unless they want to tell me something about them.

I have inherited my mum’s cat and he is missing her so badly his behaviour is now appalling but I can’t rehome him as he belonged to her.

I hope your friends do start to give you the time you need to grieve and get the balance right.

Take care,

Suzanne x

49

Thanks for replying Suzanne. Isn’t it the hardest thing ever loosing our mums? I’m so sorry you are in the same place.

I guess I’m very lucky having friends check in with me. I think I’m probably just tired and maybe a bit selfish wanting to keep my mum private if you know what I mean. One thing I know, I’ll never get used to the massive void mums passing has left. Same for us all.

Keep loving that little cat, I’m sure any odd behaviour she displays now will be bad use she’s missing you mum too.

Bless you both and take good care of yourself as best you can and for your mum.
X💕

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50

Hi Paula,

I felt bad saying his behaviour was appalling cause just after I hit send he came and fell asleep by my side and looked so sweet lol.

Understand completely wanting to keep your mum to yourself as I keep a lot to myself too cause she was mine…if that makes sense.

You take care of yourself and if you want to chat I’ll be here along with a lot of others whom unfortunately know our pain too well.

Have a peaceful night,

Suzanne x

51

There you go Suzanne, he is starting to adapt and he needs you.

It does make sense, I hate the days passing as I so want my mum to ‘stay here’ with me. Maybe that’s why we sometimes need that privacy I guess.

Lovely to talk with you.

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52

Hi PaulaE
I am so sorry you’ve lost your Mum and at such an awful time of year as well. No time of year is any easier but somehow Christmas just seems to be the worst time of all to lose a loved one. It still such early days for you too, it will still be so raw.
I can relate to what you said about your Mum’s passing bringing back memories of your Dad’s, I am exactly the same. I hadn’t ever factored that in before my Mum passed away. My main thought was, at least she will be reunited with Dad and somehow that thought kept me going in her final weeks and I used to even pray to him every night to come for to stop her suffering…careful what you wish for haunts me now…but it’s bringing no comfort now the thought of them together as I just want her back, although it should.
It seems you’re the opposite to me where your friends are too much in your personal space and you feel suffocated. It must be so difficult for you because grief in itself is so exhausting and takes up so much energy that having to reply to well-wishers with nothing left to give must be so hard for you. I wonder though if they will be in it for the long haul with you? I too had a lot of messages early on but after the funeral it all stopped. I actually think that they don’t know what to say or don’t want to upset me but as we have all said on this thread, the main thing we all have in common is that we absolutely adore talking about our Mums!
You don’t sound mean or heartless at all, you need to do and feel exactly what you want. This is your grief and no one else’s and one thing I have learned in the last few months is that everyone grieves differently, there’s no right or wrong way. If the TV brings you comfort and also brings you some normality, then who is anyone to judge. I am thrilled you have your doggies for company :slight_smile:
You could never ever break a promise to your Mum, you had no idea how you would feel now when you said that to her. Besides you are doing okay, you are finding what brings you comfort whilst navigating this dreadful path called grief and trying to adjust to a new normal and you have got everyone on here, including me, to share that dreadful journey with.
Thank you for reading and responding to my post. :slight_smile:
When you are ready, I would love to hear more about your Mum. What she was like, what she used to do for a living etc. Be kind to yourself and do take moments just for you and don’t think of anyone else. Thinking of you my lovely x

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53

Bless you Sal, we are all in the same place that’s for sure.
I think after my Dad died, I took it upon myself to be strong for my mum. I’d also started a new job just before, in fact, in the hospice where my Dad died and they were very good to me then so I felt a responsibility there.
My mum was 89 when she died. She was well ( apart from having rheumatoid and a couple of other bits and bobs) but became unwell just before lockdown one. She had fractures of her spine probably due to the drugs she had to take for her rheumatoid. She went downhill from there and I am just so grateful that I was able to work from home for all that time so I was at least at home with her.
Mum was a nursing auxiliary in her working life, later on at least. When I was a child, she did home work, typing letters, machining etc, so she could be home with me. She would have loved to be a nurse and I became a nurse myself in 1985.
I’ve now give notice on my job which is with the NHS but admin focused and I’m thinking that after a break this summer, I’ll then likely apply for something part time, maybe back to clinical nursing as I’m a district nurse by profession. I promised mum I would stop full time work and boy do I feel that’s the right thing now. As you say, grief is pretty tiring isn’t it.
I’ve been thinking about everyone on here and in fact, though we are all hurting beyond words, that’s because we have all lost lovely people who will alway and forever be so special to us. How lucky we have all been the have them in our lives.
Keep in touch and take care of yourself too.
X

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Hi PaulaE
How are you? How’s your weekend been? Did you manage to get out in the sunshine yesterday and walk your dogs? What are they called by the way and what are they?
I am sorry to read of your Mum’s suffering, that must have been heart breaking for you to witness even in the profession you are in and where you worked. Nothing can prepare you for your own Mum I’m sure. Mine too had fractures and it is extremely hard to witness your lovely, once strong and fearless Mum fading away isn’t it.
I am pleased you’ve managed to find peace with the work side of your life. Work can be one of the hardest parts after losing someone so close. In some ways you can feel if you go back to your previous routine that in some ways it can feel like nothing has happened, almost disrespectful if that makes sense. I left the job I was in after my Dad died. I felt that the bottom had fallen out of my world and no one around me at work at that time gave me any space. This time it was totally different although it is hard still but I am working at home and I am so thankful for that. I am certainly not ready to go back to an office and try to act normal to my colleagues.
A break is what you need for sure, gather your thoughts and feelings over the summer and see how you feel then.
How lovely that you fulfilled your Mum’s dream of becoming a nurse. She must have been so proud of you. I have to say that I met a lot of medical professionals during Mum’s dissolve and the nicest and most helpful were the District Nurses. In particular one of whom was on Mum’s doorstep the day before she passed and kicked everything into action for me. I’ll always be so grateful to her because she was truly a star that shone through a dark cloud and just hugged me when she wasn’t supposed to whilst she explained to me that my Mum was dying. My hat goes off to you, it really is an amazing job you do and must be so rewarding at times.
I often think of everyone on here too. It’s amazing how we all feel the same pain and share the same feelings. My main ones now are that I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I will never see her again or be able to phone her. It doesn’t feel real at all at times even after everything I have been through with her. I randomly cry a lot too and have had a terrible week just gone with that. Sometimes I am crippled and feel I cannot breathe and other times it’s a quiet suffering to myself if you know what I mean. I miss her so so much and so hope that’s she okay. Sometimes I just need to know that she’s alright if that makes sense. Everyone has said to me, she’s at peace now or she’ll be well again and I think but is she though, how do we know for sure? x

55

Hi Sal.

I read your message and honestly, it could have been me writing it! I really do so empathise with all that you’ve said. The sometimes quiet suffering and longing to see mum again and then the more overwhelming side where you just feel like your heart is being physically squeezed and the sobs start. Like you, I really can’t think that in this life, I’ll never see mum physically again. I keep thinking that can’t be the case. It’s been only 7 weeks today and it feel both a lifetime and such a short time, how can those contrasts both be true? I just don’t know.

Yes, for sure, to see our mums whither to a shadow of themselves is truly heart wrenching. I too had been working from home lockdowns of course and I thank goodness that’s been the case or I’d have had to give up before now. What I deeply regret are the times I was working when mum needed something and I got short tempered because I was on calls and meetings and ad to keep dipping out etc, how I wish I’d done better there and not lost my cool. My poor little dogs, Tiffany and Evie, two lovely little gentle natured shih tzus also got shouted at a few times too. I wish I had that time again so I could do better for mum and the girls.

Like you, I so wish I could speak to mum. I do of course, I chat a day to her and my Dad all day. I wish she could answer me and when I see a little Robin out on my walks with the dogs, or in the garden, I well up. It’s been sunny the last few days and yes, I managed to get out for our walks which is a positive. Rain to come this week and that won’t please the dogs, they hate it!

I was going through old photos last week. Mum would never do that as she found it upsetting, all those memories and she was the last of our family other than me. I loved looking at them all and of the old black and white photos before mum and Dad were married too. I’ve left a few out and will get frames for them. But the next day after I’d done that, I felt dreadful, whether it was going through the photos and a bit of a delayed impact or just one of those days, I don’t know.

How do we keep going though without them? I keep asking myself that and though I know I will. I have to, I promised her I’d and the girls would be ok and that I’d look after them and that she shouldn’t worry about me, I really don’t know how to do it. I dare say we all ponder the same question. It really does make you think about life and what it’s all about doesn’t it?

Well. I hope your week has started in a ok kind of way and that you might have something in your week that can lift your spirits a bit. Lovely to speak with you and I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you to feel so much better than I know you do right now.
Much love.
Paula.
X

56

Hi Paula
It was so lovely to read your message. I’m going to have to start by reiterating how you started…it could have been me writing it! For the first time since she passed I’ve actually read the same regretful thought as me that I haven’t dared to visit which was when you said you’d wished you hadn’t have been so short tempered with her whilst working. How that resonated with me is beyond words. I lost my cool at times and you know what, none of the work matters now does it. I’ve been thinking of that all day and have found relief and comfort from you so thank you so much. I haven’t dared to think about it too deeply because when I do, I wince in pain when I think the times I snapped. It wasn’t her fault, nothing was her fault but I am sure that you and I were on our knees with exhaustion and we are only human. I haven’t had a lot of anger since she passed. Someone asked me if I experience that and I said no but I had a lot before she died. I wonder if it’s because I was angry it wasn’t curable.
You know what though, I’m sure if we were able to apologise to them now about that they’d say…you never need to apologise to me for anything.
In other news, I seemed to have a flurry of messages today asking how I am. I was brave and said not too good, that I was extremely sad. They say what they’re supposed to, things like “always here for a cuppa and chat” but they all still have both parents so can’t possibly begin to understand.
Evie and Tiffany are such lovely names. Funny how they don’t like the rain, sounds like you have a couple of divas on your hands!
Just to say, I did the same as you around 8 weeks looking at photos. I enjoyed it at the time but boy did I feel it had set me back the next day. I felt quite angry in a way and I normally sleep well but it completely disrupted my sleep too. Maybe it’s too soon as I wondered if was too early but you just want to be close to them and remember them well and happy. Plus we don’t know how we are going to feel until we do these things.
I honestly don’t know how we’ll keep going without them. Sometimes it feels like a prison sentence if I look too far ahead. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having to forget her. Not that I will ever forget her but I’m sure you know what I mean. I too ponder the what’s the point in it all question.
It’s certainly quiet now and I can concentrate on work both of which I hate. The silence is the worst.
Hopefully the rain will ease up for your princesses and they’ll be able to step out without getting their hair wet!
I do hope you’re ok and your week is being kind to you. Please know you helped me so much today with your kind words.
Love and huge hugs
Sal x

57

Dear Sal.

Please know too that your message has helped me in just the same way. How funny it is that we are sharing very similar experience of loosing our beloved mums.
I’m not very good at using this site and when I reply to you, I can’t seem to see your message at the same time so I miss some of the things I want to say when I read your message but do believe me when I say again, your words and thoughts and experiences are identical!

I too have no anger now……I had a lot of anger when mum was declining and I was angry it was happening to her, that she was suffering, that she was going to be taken from my life, that we wouldn’t and couldn’t any longer share what we had done previously. I was angry that she lost her dignity and independence, something that she valued and then, add work on top and I fell apart on many occasions. It was mum, as ever, who rescued me. Though she couldn’t stand to cuddle me, I’d bend down by her chair and be in tears and she would cuddle me and say ‘ there there, no more tears’. My tears are coming now as I write this and so many times I re sit to myself words she said to me……oh dear, it’s so painful isn’t it. Like you, the future does feel like a prison sentence but I’d not want to be able to forget her to get the pain to go so that’s why we will live with it I guess but I just don’t know how.

I’ve taken the decision to give up work for a while at least and then look for something part time now. I’d already taken my works pension, reduced to help have time with mum hit with Covid and working from home. I took advantage and carried on fully time to help save a bit. Just before mum died, she knew how much pressure work put on my and how much I’d grown to hate it all. As I worked from home, mum could see how it was. She made me promise I’d give it up, and so I am. I leave Monday April. I’ll take summer off if I can afford it but it’s a bit scary with everything going up as I’ll have to top up my pension income from my little savings pot but I’m grateful I can do it and know I’m luckier than many who will have to return to high pressures jobs and ones that don’t like having to also grieve for loved ones.

A solute oh our mums wouldn’t have blamed us for being angry and certainly they wouldn’t want us to be sad……I just don’t know how to push it away. Sometimes I feel I just want to curl up with it all and my divas ( yes you are right they are divas indeed! ) and chat away to mum……and for her to answer me too. As we were so so close, I almost can’t believe that she won’t answer me, at least not in the voice I know if you know what I mean.

Funny how we say to those that ask ‘ I’m ok’. What else can we say really? I’m not sure as even if others are kind enough to want to really know, it’s impossible to describe this gaping great hole isn’t it?

Well Sal, I wish you as good a rest of week as possible and that you keep safe in this rough weather.
X

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58

Sounds familiar. I had a mixture with my friends. Many of them knew my parents really well. Some were only too happy to chat about them and reminisce. I have to be honest and say that I occasionally held back with some, because I feared upsetting them too. Equally I got that sense of feeling like I was pulling the mood down even when I was remembering happy times. It’s a topic so many people don’t want to navigate. In the end, I think you probably overthink it and many other things potentially. Your emotions are heightened through grief and you second guess everything. Just my opinion and not necessarily right, but I’ve learned not to second guess stuff as time has gone on.
I joined this group in the early hours of this morning, because (even 20 years on) I have my moments. I have got to the stage where I feel like sharing this stuff with friends is not going to work for me. It’s too long now and I have this sense that my friends either don’t want to hear it, can’t comprehend it or have their own more recent troubles. Part of me has that sense of I’m a grown up and I should just crack on……get over it……even though I have told myself for 20 years that you never do, you just learn to move forward and accept that it will trip you up on occasion. It did me, last night!
The truth (I think) is that good friends are always there for you and those that are worthwhile will accept what you need to discuss. They won’t necessarily say the right thing (who can), but they will listen and be there for you as best as possible. Those that don’t are probably not the friends you thought they were. In my experience, your friends and support networks can change quite markedly through grief. Lean on the ones that are happy to take the weight. Xxx

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Hi Sal46 I totally hear and understand what you are saying I too have a so called friend who always thinks its all about her and always expecting me to say “I’m good” expecting me to call her everyday like nothing happened when in fact my insides is tearing apart my husband died 7months ago and still struggling to deal with it she feels and expecting me to pick myself up dust myself off like nothing happened and life is normal again when in fact it has changed and don’t know how to move even when I contact her after several days or weeks she is abusive she I have now decided to slowly disconnect myself from her as she is a contributor to my current mental and emotional well being along with having to deal with physical things.

Take care of you cause if they really cared they would not be off liading on you and trying to help you.

Look after yourself we are here for each other and will never judge you.

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61

Hi Pillar.

I’m sorry to read that you’ve had a rotten day. I wish I could wave a magic wand and do something which would help everyone on this site with the grief they experience whether that’s ‘young’ in terms of how recently our loved ones have died or years like yourself.

I agree with you entirely that it’s a time when you learn more about true friends and acquaintances. I have to say that I’ve a small circle of friends and a wider circle of acquaintances and it’s my true friends who have hit just the right spot in how they have supported me, been there for me whilst not judging or feeling awkward in my company. I’ve been so grateful for the two of them. My acquaintances and of course, trying to be kind but it’s just made me realise how little I know of them and they me. I’m grateful that they are trying to care but it’s my two true friends that I feel help me most, along with my two little dogs ( my furry friends! ).

I hope the coming days soon start to feel a little better for you again.
X

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