You are so right bjane. Unless you have lost your life partner you have no idea what life is like. The pain and sadness is at times unbearable. You sit and say I would give anything to have them back, I want the life I had not this life I have now. There is no one to mull over your ideas with and you have to make all the decisions yourself - big and small. You loose confidence, don’t care about yourself or your appearance but as the days and weeks go by you start to put yourself back together. You get relapses and days when it’s all to much but just let those days in and do what feels right. I know my family and friends try to u derstand and help but they are not on the same path as me but I know they are trying to help. At least when it hits them I can fully support them because I know exactly what it’s like. But here on the forum we are all in the same boat so we can really support each other. 
It may be worth mentioning that in some Latin American countries they do ‘celebrate’ a life well lived. They go through the streets singing and dancing and sending their loved one on their way with joy. That may not be for us Westerners, but I do understand why they do it. We can ‘celebrate’ the time we had with our loved ones and the privilege it was to be with them.
Take care all. John.
You know, John, you’re right. We do need to celebrate all the love and happiness they brought us, must be healthier to look for the joy. If we can’ Going to try on Thursday, give it a good go! Love to you and Fifibella, hope you are okay today xx
Dear Sadi and friends, This indeed sad to read. Just want to add my two cents in this —0 In my living room I removed all photographs of friends and family and now have about 5 photos of my wife - photos of her and I when we were in happy spirits. I see the smiles and laughter we both had and it breaks my heart to reflect back on those simple times together (something I guess we take for granted but now they have a huge meaning. I share your losses and reflections too. I miss my wife so much!
Herb
Bjane. Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you today. It’s going to be a toughie for you and there will be tears but let them out. There will also be smiles and laughter with your family as you chat and remember Malcolm and the happier times. Take care of yourself, sending you a big virtual hug xx
Herb that’s beautiful that you have replaced those pictures with ones of your wife. I never used to have pictures out at all but I do now. It’s comforting to see Dave’s smiling happy face around me. The memories of the happier days are what gets us through he dark times, knowing that we had a wonderful happy life together and we gave them love and were loved in return.
Sadie,
Such a moving and wonderfully expressed sentiment, my heart goes out to you and if I were able to a hug.
Love that idea Herb, I have photos of Malc all over the dining table, no one to share it with at the moment so it doesn’t matter. But will start doing what you’ve done, lovely idea. Thank you Fifibella, it means so much to have that love and understanding from you as you’ve been through it and understand how it feels. A few tears this morning but got up and put the coffee on ready for my sons and grandchildren arriving in the garden. And I’ve put the birthday banner up in the living room as we’ve. always done for every family birthday.Is that stupid?? !! Just thinking he might be able to see it or know it’s there. Getting braced for tonight, the thought of getting dressed up to go out for a meal without him is like a stab in the heart. I only ever wanted to look nice for him, finding it hard to get motivated. Enough of this depressing self-centredness, will put a smile on and enjoy being with my family. Hope you have a good day today and thank you for listening and caring. Love and hugsxxx
Bjane no it’s not stupid, it’s a tradition and as such embrace it. I bought a birthday card for Dave last year. His birthday was on a Saturday last year and his favourite flowers were daffodils so our group of friends came round and planted daffodils around the garden so that this spring I would look up the garden and see loads of those cheery yellow flowers and remember him. He’d also bought a new bbq before he died and never got to use it so we christened it after the planting. The day is bittersweet but each day we get that little bit stronger and the first of everything is hard but we get through it. Really wish I could give you a big hug xx
Oh Fifibella, thank you that makes me feel so much better, did think I was being silly! What a lovely thing you did for Dave and how positive, I know it’s the only way to stay sane . And I must admit, if I’d been able to get out, under normal circumstances I would have bought him a card too, telling him how much I love him, though I do that every day when I say goodnight to his ashes. Thank you for helping me through this day and I hope life will keep being kind to you. A hug would be lovely, that’s what I miss most as you must too, that physical warmth and closeness that we were lucky enough to have shared. Some people never have that, so we were really lucky. A big hug back 
Hi bjane,
Thinking of you today.
Sending a hug from me too.
Steph xx
Thank you Steph these hugs are holding me together just now. Hope you are ok, and hope I can be supportive towards others, like you and Fifibella, after today is over. Big hug xxxx
Jack loved bbqs so on his birthday we get together, have a bbq and talk about him - I feel he is here with us then
On Father’s Day - the kids and I got together - social distancing of course and we talked about Jack - we talj d about our memories of him - it has such a healing - and this way he may feel our live which will help him on his journey
Sadie x
Sadsadie it’s good to talk about them and it keeps the good times and memories fresh. It would be awful if we didn’t talk about them as that would be like they never existed. Our loved ones may have gone but they will never be forgotten. BBQ are such a man thing as well, although Dave enjoyed cooking curries too.
It’s so good to talk about them, really cathartic somehow, also I think it helps us to accept what’s happened too, somehow getting our heads round difficult things. Love to all in pain in here, a sad little club but lovely too:heart:
Hi Jay
Definitely contact the HR Department of the hospital Allison worked in. There may be something you can claim from her NHS pension if she was a member as well as a Death in Service benefit. Please don’t feel awkward when applying for these things. They are your right as her husband and I’m sure Allison would not want to think of you struggling. I felt bewildered by all the processes I had to go through with my husband’s Death in Service benefit and his insurances. I just remembered that all these things he put in place for me was to look after me when he was gone. I am so grateful for that.
Take care.