As long as it takes 
I go through phases of interaction then not for a while then I need to again take care of yourself
I don’t think we should feel any time limit. We’re never going to be suddenly better, even if we do gradually become better than we were. People who think you should be ‘over it’, I feel that. But they probably haven’t been through it.
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Hi
I questioned myself after reading your post, should I still be on here…I lost my husband 4.5 years ago.
But I also recall thinking in the early days…how would I ever get through the emptiness, the sleepless nights, the physical pain of loss, the anxiety, not feeling 'whole, not knowing who I was anymore.
Well…for those thinking that way, I am living proof that you can get through. You will find yourself and smile again. I can only quote from my own experience but I once felt helpless, hopeless, incomplete, bereft.
One morning I woke up (That time between sleep and wakefulness I find the worst) and realised with relief that I didn’t have that overriding sick emptiness consuming me …I was surviving. Time really did help me, plus support, plus for me reading others experiences of grief and survival.
I had lost half of me…I needed to fill that gap with more of me…the same me but a stronger one. The process still goes on …this is not a quick fix but it is a process if restoration and learning.
The memories are now a treasured part of me now, not a sad recollection of things lost. He travels with me in my heart, always close, loved and still supportive.
Apologies for the ramble…just felt that you may need assurance that you can get out of the dark forest of grief…the grief doesn’t leave, but you change…you live around it and accept it in a way that doesn’t hurt so much . Hang in there, you are strong deep down.
Xxx
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Dear Annette 99,. On this dark horrible rainy Sunday morning,reading your post on grief survival has helped me. It is those mornings when you feel like your engine is sitting in neutral and it just takes a while to get into first gear before you can shift up another gear.
Take care everybody. Sending hugs
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Thankyou for posting.
For me, in the early days (now 20months on) reading others posts & experiences actually made me feel that there was something wrong with me as I wasn’t experiencing the outpouring of grief that I’d read about.
But I realised I had to deal with things my way - - Ive had all the emotions going plus ones I didn’t know even existed.
I have many moments but accept them - yesterday seeing his toothbrush set me off - trying to find yourself again is difficult but it’s got to be done.
I’m hanging in the best I can.
G. X
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Go with it, accept the triggers as they are caused by the loving responses. Hard to deal with but let it flow
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Hi Misprint
I’ve been on this site just over two and half years.
I have wondered at times if my presence here is a negative factor for the more recently bereaved…
But hey…this is the harsh truth about losing the love of your life…it doesn’t magically ‘get better’…
In many ways it gets worse…it has for me…
That initial shock and disbelief has hardened into acceptance…
and having to accept that I’ll never see Geoff again or hear his voice, or be held and loved by him…is not something I’m able to ‘get over’.
Sadly, many of the non-bereaved people in our lives expect us to have ‘moved on’…if we’re still struggling some try to put labels such as ‘complicated grief’ on us!..we don’t need such labels here!
There’s nothing complicated about yearning for the person who loved you, who understood you, who had your back in this suddenly cold world!
So…although I don’t post often… I feel it is very important that we support both the newly bereaved…and the ongoing bereaved…there is no kindness in having any bereaved person feel that they are alone in their ongoing grief…that only recent grief is valid…
So Misprint…it’s only time to call it a day when that’s what you wish to do…not because there’s a time limit on your contribution or your needs…
I believe it’s necessary for people at all stages of their loss to be able to relate to others at a similar timeframe.
Sending love and understanding
Sam xx
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The hardest thing, when I have these moments, is knowing that it doesn’t matter how many of your loved one are trying to help and be with you to comfort you, that no-one loved you as he/she did, or understood instinctively and caring. Until it happens to them! That’s why we are here on this site, because we do at least understand
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Hi Misprint, i lost my beautiful wife over 5 years ago, I’m not usually very good at writing things about myself so rarely answer on here but it gives me great comfort to know other people out there feel like me and especially as the nights are drawing in and sitting on my own with the curtains drawn is very lonely but I have just about got used to it, my family are wide spread so don’t see them much but talk on FaceTime now and again, but if you read the Sue Ryder Bereavement community columns they certainly help a lot, people are so nice and know what your going through, enough of my babbling on you know what I mean I’m sure, take care
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Hi JBB74. I lost my partner a year ago last month. I too am thinking now how I’ll cope on my own with the nights drawing in and the winter coming. This time last year I was staying with her brother and his family and did so until April when I moved into the small flat I now live in. Spring and summer were on their way but this will be the first winter I’ve spent alone. I need this group as you say for their kind words and total understanding and will continue to put my thoughts down in words to comfort myself and perhaps other people. My best wishes to you.
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Dearest All,
Whether to stay or go must always be each own person’s choice - we are all in a World where we have to “be kind to ourselves” (i.e. selfish) and protect ourselves.
However, there are two issues I feel:
One is the helping of others - whilst I am only 5+ months since my darling soul mate passed - I have offered advice (especially regarding anxiety etc) to those who are more newly in this World of torture.
Second is the self-help - I am apparently following Continuing Bonds grief pattern, whereby I now accept that I cant (probably ever?) accept that my darling sweetest Sharon is gone permanently; so for me this “journey” will never end and understanding I am not alone and others are also in this World helps me in my own understanding.
So each to his own: but if others have helped you, maybe you can help others - and helping others actually helps you…?
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Hi Strictlyp
Grateful to read this - it’s 2.5 years since my lovely husband died and though I’ve had phases of feeling a bit better, more solid, I’m back to feeling I can’t really bear it and feel so lonely. I have three beautiful daughters and friends too, but I hate living on my own after so long of being together with him.
So, it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one still struggling and that we are welcome on the site too.
x
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Hi Cesca
I have a radio alarm clock and I’ve started setting the alarm to go off with the radio coming on. I have found it has helped not waking up to the awful silence. Sending caring thoughts x
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Thankyou for replying -
And yes, radio at least gives the sound of a human voice!
Sleep well x
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Me too, hugs, it’s this cyclic returning to the depths of initial grief that is wearing. Take time out several times a day to pause, make a cuppa and listen in to life outside of your feelings. It’s a coping habit! Very best to you
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The “let’s pull together” attitude after the lockdown seems to have disappeared and everyone back into their own wee bubbles again.
Online friends are good to have , just not quite the same as being asked out for a cuppa or getting a phone call.
Take care
G. X
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Know what you mean Sheila.
I refuse to text and my son will only text me and not answer his phone. He sends me messages telling me he loves me but no visits. My daughter moved to Spain and forgot I exist.
I must admit though I don’t feel lonely as I go out with the dogs everyday and as I live in a friendly little town there are always people who stop for a chat and do invite me in from time to time.
I have moved off the forum once or twice as I felt I had little to offer and did anyone want to hear from me anyway and the sad stories did make me depressed however I have started taking an interest again and feel that people from all stages of grief are needed and if us ‘oldies to the forum’ can offer any help to just one person then our long term knowledge of grief is not going to waste.
Take care
Pat
xxx
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Bless you, we are all in need of each other on here, I’ve dipped off and on the forum too, thank goodness it’s here as a constant for our ups and downs! Also when we need to vent, no judgement on this long lonely journey 
have a sunny as my lovely man used to say
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Hello Everyone-I have been on this forum 4 years now. Although I do not post as often I continue to dip in to peruse the postings, and to offer some hope and insight to others based on my own grief journey. I believe there is no expiration date on grief, and hence no cut off point on caring and support. With so many people thinking we should “be over it” coming to this forum is a place I know I will never hear those invalidating words. This forum has been a safe place to land when I am having a set back, when my grief is triggered by a song, a painful memory, Xmas, Birthdays, or an insensitive comment by those who have no idea the degree of trauma I am suffering. Furthermore I’ve “met” many new friends here, one in particular I have been emailing with from the onset. I hope to always have this haven to return to when those grief attacks rise up. Just being able to write out my feelings is cathartic. I also want to give back, and will be there for anyone who wishes to share with me. I respect and appreciate all the brave folks on this forum. Thank you Xxx Sister2
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Reading all these posts, I felt both comforted (not just me who finds herself suddenly flung back into the most awful grief and terror - grief not linear it seems) but also made me grateful for all I do have, my family, work and friends.
Made me appreciate that and feel so sorry that for some on this forum the loneliness is huge. Sometimes I feel lonely despite all I have, agree that some people have no idea that the trauma goes on for longer than people expect. Maybe hard for them to understand, I don’t think I did until i was in this position myself
Love to everyone x
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