How long will it be to find peace

I lost my darling husband 15months ago,he is on my mind many times during the day and he comes to me in my dreams.I have some semblance of normality,but I do find the evenings very difficult.I miss the cuddles and just him being there when I look up.Most things are now done on my own like appointments etc and as I don’t drive I find my own way there.I understand that people think I should now be out and about but it’s not the same anymore.Someone dear to me said "you need to move forward now and get out"I’m not a misery and I do put on a front but there is no real joy in anything because he is not here to enjoy things with me…At my age I don’t want another man in my life and I just feel overwhelmed I don’t know how to be on my own again,I wish people could understand the enormity of this.I actually was feeling a little better about things until moving forward was said to me as I thought I was in a better frame of mind,I now feel I’ve moved backwards.

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Hi @sweetie unless someone has lost the love of their life they will not understand the enormity of it; I know I didn’t. Try not to be discouraged by the words of one person. You are doing the best you can and managing new things in getting to appointments.
Although we have all lost our lives, each one of us has slight differences in how we cope. I try to keep myself very busy - and in fact have little choice but to do that anyway. It means my life rushes past in many ways and I think that helps me.

I still really miss my darling husband, all that he was and all we had together. Nothing will ever be the same with this level of loss but I hope to still do something with my life. Not really sure what yet but I have to create some purpose to it for me. I don’t know whether that idea works for anyone else but it may for some.

Sending you love and support. x

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@Sweetie It’s happened to you & you are the one who decides how you feel & how you move on; I think you are doing well & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You can only go at your own pace, everyone is different & like Karen says people don’t understand until it happens to them, they think they do but boy what devastation it is like we all actually know when it does!!
I’m in the same place as you, finding it very hard being on my own as I never have done it & all of my friends (small circle) all have partners so they try to be understanding & say you’ve got a life ahead of you, you’ve got to live it but I find it very hard thinking of that without my beloved partner who I did everything with.
Peace & love to you xx

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@KarenF and @Emz
Thank you for your comments,I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone but until you have walked in my shoes you wouldn’t understand.As you say my friends and family still have their partners and they really don’t understand when you’ve been used to doing things together,when that just disappears it’s devastating.I really thought I was coping and felt a little better about things,I do go out and about,not as much as I used to but I’m not a recluse.Just one careless word seems to have set me back unfortunately and perhaps I’m too sensitive.
I wish everyone on here my best wishes a for their journey.x

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It’s 21 months since my husband died. It too feel that utter devastation. People don’t understand. They say you should be doing this you should be getting out and about. Who with and doing what. All I feel capable of doing is sitting in at night watching tv. I have no desire to go to the pub or restaurants. Sending hugs x

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@Nel,
Until you find yourself checking if you have locked all windows and doors knowing only you are responsible for your own security and you only have yourself to rely on you cannot understand.When you go to social events and everyone else has a partner you cannot understand.Everything you do and everywhere you go,all decisions about day to day running a home are yours alone.All these things used to be joint decisions even if there was a bit of bickering about the results.One small thing,I have a dripping tap,before Kevin would fix it,now I have to get a plumber or try and fix it myself.All these little things if you multiply them add up so they can overwhelm you if you are not careful.I am a practical person but sometimes I just can’t do some things and I don’t like to trouble other people.So when people say to you move forward,join a club,get out somewhere,and you think where?This is such a long road to travel and I wish everyone good luck along the way. x

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I lost my Husband oct 2022 i know how you feel its like part of me is missing we were aways together people tell me to move on with my life but how can you when you have always been apart of each others lifes for so long i was with my husband for 30 years

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I know how you feel i have no desire to meet anyone else had my love and cant be bothered with it all.today 8m having a bad day i find weekend is worst for me.i miss my partner so much and cannot see the way in front without him

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Hi @Jan271. Bad days are just horrific aren’t they? I lost my husband just over 9 weeks ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly. I have stable days and terrible days. I had a terrible day on Thursday and just cried endlessly. The despair is overwhelming. I go places with my family and 2 or 3 close friends but not to pubs etc. we go for walks or coffee. I hate it when people say you should get out and about and ‘do’ more! What the hell do they know if they’ve never lost anyone? It’s just text book speak and they’ve no idea. Big cuddle to you xx.

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I agree with everything, people saying things to try and help sometimes make things worse.
Nearly 11 weeks in im finding it harder than 3 weeks in. Its all very final and i feel like im in limbo.
I assume i will have to find someone else eventually but the thought makes me sick (obviously wouldn’t be at least for a few years) but otherwise i will just be alone which i hate.
This was my 3rd marriage and my soulmate. The best 10 years ever.

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I so agree with you. I also lost my husband 15 months ago and he is in my mind constantly. Everything I do, everywhere I go I just keep thinking he should be with me. I put off going place’s just because there’s no point in going on my own. I have no interest in finding another partner as no one would ever compare to my husband. My life has completely changed. We didn’t lead an exciting life but whatever we did do we did it together. Things like choosing something, even something simple like a new kettle, we’d do it together.
Unless someone has actually been through what we, in this community have, no-one can really know what it’s like to loose a partner. I must admit that before it happened to me I was probably one of those people who thought life would get back to normal after about 6 month’s but now I realise that my life will never be “normal” again. There will always be a gaping hole there.

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@Pat7
You have articulated exactly how I feel as I too lost my husband 15 months ago.We didn’t have a particularly exciting life but we found comfort in each other and just doing quite mundane things together.I always had his back and he mine.What people don’t understand is that when you go anywhere there is always a piece of you missing and the enjoyment is gone.I am beginning to find some sort of peace but is a very,very slow process.I have no interest in finding anyone else,no one could match him,so I am at peace with that.He is with me all the time in my thoughts and dreams,I have his handwriting on a pendant and picture in a locket so I take him everywhere and that comforts me.

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I feel lije im left to this life now .8 weeks since Robert died suddenly. I have returned to work which helps on tge days im on work but feel rest of the time im constantly wanting him missing him terribly. Its an effort to do anything. Im awaiting counselling as tgere are a lot of things to deal with.just another bad day…

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Can someone tell me if its normal to feel ok then as time goes on o feel worse some days horrible to live my life lije this

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@Jan271
I think completely normal that each day can be different from the next or the last.
Some days I think I’m doing ok, then the next I’m in tears at the slightest thing again. I’m not sure what changes - could be as simple as tiredness I guess - but for whatever reason it happens.
Sending love xxx

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I started this post on a day when I had a complete meltdown because of something someone said inadvertently,and that is how fragile you become where anything can set you off.Some people posting on here are at the very beginning of a long road to anything like normality.As I have said I am 15 months into this and your emotions are all over the place.If I had a magic wand I would like to save people the pain that comes from this,unfortunately this is the price you pay for love.My love for my husband is something I could never replace,do I regret the love we had knowing how it would end? never in a million years.

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I’m with you @Sweetie . I would do it all again even knowing the pain of the loss.

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It’s very early days and such a huge change big hug to you take each day as it comes, it does change, but is hard and lonely to go through , really hard, probably hardest thing ever, hold onto any raft you see, anything with hope any people in your life who have meaning for you it’s over a year now for me and my life is changed but I draw strength from what I had it carries with me it’s very painful and we are changed people but there is new life and what we loved is still with us wishing you all the best you are not alone

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Not that I would wish any of this on my worst enemy, but it is reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. It’s very hard to describe how you feel to anyone who’s not lost a partner. Life as you have known it, in my case for over 50 years, changes completely. You suddenly become single again and things you always did together no longer seem right. Going away on holiday, for instance, was something we enjoyed, but I no longer want to go anywhere, even days out seem pointless. I’m not saying I sit at home all day long doing nothing, but just saying how different life has become. I fortunately have children and good friends who are brilliant but there’s always part of me missing wherever I go.

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It’s so massive I don’t think people understand unless they e been there. My situation is different a three year very close and amazing relationship now he’s gone, but he’s all around me as I have all his things at home and so many conversations in my mind but I so understand this is not sharing a life over many years and your lives literally growing together that is an amazing thing but for people I know it is the hardest you are like two trees who grew together now ripped in half it’s really massive big hug to you x

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