How much longer can I keep pretending?

I feel like I have been trying so hard every day for the last 18 months to live a “normal” life. I have thrown myself into my job, I have had several nights out and am just back from a long weekend away with my sister. Sounds like I am having a fulfilled and busy life huh…and then I come home to that empty space which was the loving, happy and secure place I had with the man of my dreams. Every minute of every day, my lovely husband Neil is in my thoughts no matter where I am, who am with or what I am doing. I imagine him with me 24/7 and I miss him not experiencing the moments with me. It is the saddest, most heart wrenching and stomach churning feeling in my life. I told him every day I would love him forever and I will.
I will keep up the pretence until the ache in my heart lessens and that could be until the day I depart this world. Stay with me Neil…you are my hero and my strength.

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Dear Laneyb
I lost my darling Paul just 10 weeks tomorrow and l miss him with all my heart. He was due to retire and it was to be our time and suddenly he was gone from me and like yourself l just search for answers to the sheer disbelief of losing my rock and my reason for living.
I adored this wonderful man who l met when we were 17 and his greatest worry was that l would not cope without him. I feel so lost and wake up each day wishing it was just a bad dream.
I hear the desperation in your voice but l also know that my darling man and your Neil would hate to think of us being so unhappy and distraught. I will miss my Paul forever and l think of each day as a day closer to him but l feel him all around our home and although he cannot hold my hand he will always be with me and our lovely family.
Please take care of yourself and show me there is always hope because we will never lose that love we were given as it is locked inside us forever. Each day is so hard and my tears never stop but l pray that with the support of family and friends l will find some way to carry on.
Sending hugs to you and just wanted you to know l care and understand.
Chris. x

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I hear you and ache with you, Laneyb.

My Andrew is in everything I do and in every thought I think.

I talk to him every day. I hope he hears me.

Stay strong. xx

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Shortly after my hubby passed, our daughter went for a “reading”…
He asked did mum often speak to dad, as he will hear her. I speak to him
constantly and have since he passed .

There’s a verse worth reading,
“Death is nothing at all” by Henry Scott Holland.
I came across it when clearing out my parents house.

G. X

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Hi Chris
I am so terribly sorry that you have lost your much loved Paul and it is still very early days for you. I am so grateful for your kind words and I hope you have lots of support from family and friends as I know that is the only reason I have reached this stage and am still here actually. The journey is the most difficult one you will go through but you sound so strong and obviously have a lot of compassion and empathy in your heart.
I have read that this pain is because we loved so much and I will always be grateful I had that with my darling Neil. We were only together 3.5years and married for 1.5years but they were the best years of my adult life.
Stay strong.

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Hi SSTC22

It is only when I read and reflect on my words that I see the pain. So thank you for your acknowledgement…it just validates everything I feel.

I am so sorry you have lost your Andrew but you show some positivity in your words and the peace you get from speaking to him. I too need to know that Neil is around me and can hear me. He was my rock in life and is my guide in spirit.

Sending strength for this journey.

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Hi Grandma

I had an amazing reading a few months ago. It gave me hope that my Neil is still around. It was bitter sweet obviously as I was so sad that he could not talk to me in his own voice but it reassured me that he is at peace.

I will read that verse. Thank you.
Take care

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He sounds like a lovely man. I lost my beautiful wife 25th July. It hurts so much, the only solace I can find is that she no longer suffers and that she knew how much I loved her.

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Nigel2
I am so very sorry that you have lost your love. How brave of you to share that so soon. I could read the messages for months before plucking up the courage to put my thoughts in writing.
Meeting Neil in my very late forties made me realise what I had been missing in my life. He was only with me for a short 3.5years but the impact he left will be with me always. He was the most loving, committed and determined man I had ever met and he turned my world on its head making me his priority and changing my whole perspective of a being in a relationship.
Please take all the support you are offered and keep talking, writing how you feel and being kind to yourself. You sound like a strong person and that is what will get you through this toughest of times.
Take care.

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Thank you Laney, I don’t feel strong but I know I’ll have to be in order to learn how to live again.

Nigel

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My husband passed on 31st July I feel numb and empty so much to sort out just feel like I don’t want to go on without him

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Oh sweet heart that is so recent. My beautiful wife passed away on 25th July and I thank the gods for this forum. Tiny steps one at a time.

Nigel xx

My. Heart breaks for you all as l hear the pain in.your posts. I feel the same and am so grateful for this community, as there is nowhere to turn to when this tragedy happens. Only those who have gone through it can understand. It’s those little things like watching TV, holding hands and getting ready to go upstairs last thing at night. So very hard to face but maybe sharing thoughts with others helps just a little. Helps us know we aren’t the only ones and not alone. Families are wonderful but to lose your Husband/Wife/Partner is so very hard. Take care everyone. x

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I finding it so scary at home without him have friends each night but eventually they will go home dreading been on my own

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We’re all here for you,

Nigel
xx

Still can’t sleep in house on my own it so quiet and after been so busy looking after Ricky my life feels empty

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It amazes me that I can sleep but I do all the rituals: kissing her pillow and telling her I love her. I’m sure your Ricky knew how much you cared for him .I’m sorry I can’t cure your pain anymore than I can cure my own but know that I and all on this forum care about you.

Nigel

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I will have to try staying on my own have my grandson staying but can see he getting fed up he only 14 I feel so stressed out it seems to come out in other ways in my body can’t cry

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Hi Nigel I finding it so hard on my own just can’t get used to him not been here it’s horrible on my own my family have young kids and have there own life I just finding it scary on my own at night x

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I’m sorry to say I know exactly how you feel. Every creak in the house and I think it’s her and I so need to kiss and hold her. I know I’ll never see her alive again, that breaks my heart but I know I have to learn to live again. My craft group helps but it comes down to company in the end. I need a companion.

Nigel xx

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