To be honest, I’m so close to giving up. I just don’t see any point, I’ve lived a long life and hate to think I could have a few more years living like a zombie.
Then my lovely neighbour brings me a couple of rock cakes and a slice of her birthday cake, which has perked me up a bit. It’s so difficult though. I have been feeling so lonely this week. 
Hey John i get it its dam hard just one step at a time don’t try do to much at once thats what i was doing it just don’t work we goto fight for our lovely ladies there all about us its really shit being alone try find a focus for the day and try do that task no matter how mundane it might feel its a step even just getting up and breathe think what would your lovely lady would say to you now make her proud john one day at a time one step at a time i know that picture it sums up how we feel now its gona take time mate im 7 months now so i know how it feels ride the waves dont fight them glad your reaching out you can message me anytime or any of us on here thats what were here for.
That was nice of your neighbough so kind and rock cakes god ive not had them in years since my dad used to make them back when i was about 10 he was a chef and baker back in his army days and birthday cake well im jealous love cake you can never have enough cake take it easy and take care bud
Martin 
Hi John ( was my husband’s name too). I also had my first gas boiler service today since my husband unexpectedly collapsed and passed on the street in front of me in January. He was 65. The service was overdue but eventually got round to it. The plumber was recommended to me by my mum and was lovely. I do have bad days , am lucky have good family and friends. John’s Grant of Probate came through today and spent this afternoon sorting stuff with it, although almost done with all of that, as went mad in the beginning with it all, in shock I guess. Am lucky enough to live near the beach in Norfolk so take my Labrador for long walks by the sea. I sometimes go paddle boarding on the Broads but am not too good at that!.Am trying to be as upbeat as possible as could have another 30 years left. Am so sad that he is missing our life together, and also so sorry for my sons.Sending a hug to you xx
Thanks Martin, I have been trying to do too much, but I have to move out of this house as soon as possible. I know I have to be patient, but Jackie was the patient one, not me. 
I think Jackie gave our neighbour the recipe for rock cakes. She’s getting better cooking them, but they’re not as good as Jackie’s
So sorry for your loss and the traumatic way he passed 
It must be Gas Boiler Day today
You’re so lucky to live near the beach. Norfolk is a nice place to live. I was stationed at Swanton Morley in the late 80s, when in the RAF. I lived in Huntingdonshire and made the commute daily by car, a round trip of 140 miles.
A big hug back to you as well 
I think it’s great that you think that Jackie’s rock cakes were better. You are a funny guy John. Don’t stop being that!
Hi John, i wish i could say the right words for you. I to feel lonely, i think we all do. This new life is totally crap. Yet every day we get up, hopefully eat and continue. Like people say just one step and do what you can. It was nice of your neighbour with the cake. These waves knock us back. Good memories can turn bad. We are in this together and with each others support we can do this.
Some days i think i will stay in bed what’s the point, but something or someone gets me up. I might not do anything but at least i have had a wash brushed my teeth,and will get something to eat and drink. I know tears will flow at some point. Tonight will be the same go to bed tired, talk to Sue and cry. Not get a lot of sleep and do it again tomorrow. Just hoping i am one day closer to being with Sue again. So please look after yourself.
Swanton Morley is around 40 minutes drive from me, the other side of Norwich. Small world! Another thing we have got done today with the boiler.I have got the cars MOT, taken it for a service, sorted out the insurance, sold his car. Oh yes and bought a tortoise 
. We always wanted one so I researched it, built her a lovely run in the garden… Yes, it was very abrupt and shocking when my husband passed. Whichever way it happens is hard, my dad died of leukemia at 67, his suffering was immense. I hope they are looking down on us. I believe they are xxxx
Bought a tortoise? How are you going to take it for a walk? . Good for you
You sound as if you’re doing well with sorting things. Have a good day and take care.
Despite the weather, I am going for a walk today, despite the weather. At least go down the local shop.
Not sure what else is on the horizon for today, although I’ve just had an email saying I have to read the meters.
Exciting isn’t it?
Morning John. Walking is good because you are out and getting exercise and seeing people, but you know all that. It’s funny how those little e mails turn into events. When I do my meters, I usually get replies saying, are you sure.? That seems a little high 
Morning Jim.
Yes I love walking and done a lot in the past. I’ve done the Coast to Coast twice.
My meter readings should be lower, especially as Jackie was on an oxygen concentrator for a while and we used to have the heating on earlier and turn off later. I’ve now set it to come on later and turn off earlier.
Anyway must get up for breakfast
My son has called the tortoise Michelle. I take my lovely Labrador for very long walks and cuddle my old cat. They are both from rescue homes and are good company. I think I get things done as my husband worked on oil rigs for many years so have had to be. We had taken early retirement,him at 63, me at 58, as we had many holidays abroad and wanted to continue this. I try not to dwell on it but it is hard. I hope today is ok for you. Xx
Michelle is a lovely name.
We used to have dogs, usually Shelties, although we had a couple of rescue dogs but sadly they have all gone now and I am too old to get another. It wouldn’t be fair.
We had an oil painting commissioned with an artist when we were on holiday in Cornwall in the early 2000s. He took a few pics then 6 weeks later, the painting turned up
The rescue dog, Sarah on the left and Kira the Sheltie on right.
Jackie loved the dogs. These were the last two. Laddie on left and Kira on right
Right done the meter readings, so off to walk to the shop now
Enjoy the walk john and the fresh air ive got a few people befrending service for Linda’s mum coming at 2 pm see if she accepts that service to try and lift her mood she is getting more down with losing linda and not able to get downstairs due to her falling and breaking her arm 3 years back now she is just upstairs bound now it hurts to see this once independent lady like this now esp covid did the damage and then covid taking linda it really turned the knife for us after keeping it at bay all this time hope today is ok for you as much it can take care
Martin
I did Martin, only about a mile and half there and back, but at least it was fresh air.
I also treated myself to one of Jackie’s favourite chocolate treats, After Eights.
Getting organised and started a shopping list for Saturday morning. Oldest granddaughter & boyfriend are coming for weekend to do some painting
Cake is the birthday cake my neighbour brought yesterday.
All the best to Linda’s mum🙏
Just done a bit of weeding or plant killing as Jackie would call my attempts. As our neighbour’s cat has gone as well, I used weedkiller as well. Probably shouldn’t do it in the wind, but never mind, it made me feel good.
I think that’s probably enough for today, although I do need to update my book… it takes a few weeks for it to filter through to the likes of Amazon. Might do it tomorrow as doing shopping on Saturday.
Afternoon of movies on Prime perhaps
Decided to do a bit of advance admin. We have 3 family birthdays coming up in June and a wedding anniversary in July. So just got the cards out of Jackie’s supply and will address them all and get some stamps tomorrow.
I hate doing cards, not putting Sue’s name on hurts. It has also upset people when they get them. The worst for me was a wedding anniversary card, cried buying it and writing it. Sent it early as i just wanted it out of the house.
