I seem to have travelled further down this journey that we never wanted, as it’s 26months today since my lovely wife departed this world. I think things have improved slightly to how they were but I’m still existing rather than living from day to day. Neither of us were able to work due to different health issues, Rachel had Chronic Brittle Asthma and was once described by her Papworth Hospital consultant as the worst asthmatic he’d ever known! She didn’t have it in childhood but was born prematurely without her lungs fully developed and also had meningitis as a toddler & whopping cough as a young child. The asthma was diagnosed in her early 20s after we moved and had to change Gps & our new Gp recognised her symptoms. She had a few hospital admissions due to it, then one Thursday evening, after having walked the 2miles home in the morning from the railway station (she was working nights in a nursing home), she had an attack in Tesco after passing a lady with strong perfume. This attack put her in hospital, Saturday evening in hospital she had another attack which they couldn’t control, they actually called her consultant in from home! It was decided she needed transferring to ICU, Bedford where we were was full so they began phoning round local hospitals, eventually around midnight they found a space, in King’s Lynn hospital and at 3am we set off for there. Rachel came home after 8weeks in total in 3 different hospitals & never worked again, that following year she was in hospital 13 times for a average of 2weeks each time. We had to sell the house we’d moved into just a year before this all began, as we couldn’t afford the mortgage on just my income. We moved in with her parents and applied to the local housing association and eventually were offered a bungalow in the same road we grew up on, where my parents still lived. I continued working as a milkman & Rachel’s carer until 17years ago when I suffered from 2 prolapsed discs in my lower spine, leaving me struggling to put one foot infront of the other & she became my carer, with me as her’s. We were lucky in that we were able to do for each other the things we couldn’t for ourselves. I had failed spinal surgery and have some days better than others, Rachel’s asthma was finally stabalised although she still became very ill very quickly and did once scare our Gp when she started an attack infront of her. We got an old cheap touring caravan which allowed us to have ‘safer’ holidays as we knew what cleaning liquids had been used in our accomodation. This is how we muddled through till 26months ago, when the day before her 50th birthday she was ill (sickness) resulting in her spending her birthday mainly sleeping. The day following she woke with terrible diarrhea, ending with her being admitted to hospital dehydrated, next morning she txt me to say she’d tested +ve for flu, so no visitors, we both had colds so I was query flu to! Next day she txt to say they were moving her to ICU, then I got a call from the Dr caring for her at 9.30am the next day saying I needed to get there, I called her parents, her dad picked me up and at 10.05 we arrived at her bedside. I saw immediately this was different to other times I’d had that sort of call as her blood o2 level was only 50%. At 12.05 just 2hours after we arrived she left this world for the next, just 4days after turning 50, the actual cause was pneumonia caused by flu with her health issues as a secondary.
So here I am 26months later down this road, some days are still awful with me just wanting to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. My journey had a big set back when 51weeks almost to the minute after Rachel my Mum pased away, also 4days after her birthday. I sat beside her hospital bed after she’s gone and said to her “did you have to copy Rachel quite so closely!” they would both have laughed at that! Some days are more bearable than they were and do go ‘out’ but the enjoyment isn’t the same as it was, it only exists during what I’m doing. I go to the theatre which was one of our favourite things to do, the enjoyment ends with the end of the show, previously we’d talk about it on the way home, whilst going to bed and even the next day or two if it was particularly good. I’m away in the caravan at the moment which is nice but not the same. I’m booked on the Ffestiniog Railway again tomorrow, I was on the first train of the season, Rachel loved a trip on there and we’d talked about getting lifetime membership to their society. I had some money left from her insurance after paying for her funeral so I used it to do so. Last year I also took the plunge and changed the caravan, it was a difficult choice as Rachel loved the one we had and she’d done all the towing, I found it rather big as my first tow, it was ok and neccessary to continue, as promised, the new downsized one is much nicer to tow for me.
Sleep is still a problem, I hate bedtime without Rachel and did struggle with sleep but I now seem to have the opposite problem, rather than having a lack of sleep, now all I seem to want to do is sleep! I go to bed between 11 & midnight and I’m struggling to wake and get up at 9am! I’m also struggling to eat now more than I did, yes I used to have to make sure I had a meal whether I really wanted to, now I get a meal & I’m hungry but I start eat a little of it & I don’t want anymore, I’m full after 3 or4 mouthfuls.
Sorry I seem to have rambled on! Try & have the best day you can & be kind to youself, there’s no set timeline for this new existence.
I hope I can do that, it’s really difficult at the moment. X
well that’s what Ray used to tell me anyway