My husband died five weeks ago. He died unexpectedly while waiting a diagnosis. We have children together and the youngest is 16. My husband had moved away and we were living seperated lives but still married. ( Neither of us had met anyone else) It’s been so overwhelming. I don’t really know how to grieve. I can’t stop thinking about him. He moved away bc we were unhappy in our marriage. It really affected my mental health and now I feel like I’m reliving all the grief again plus this in top. I feel other people expect me not to grieve bc we were seperated but it’s not that easy. I keep pushing myself to do things and go to work but I’m exhausted. Overwhelmed and exhausted. I feel like I can’t do it all anymore.
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Hello @ShadinaBlue,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling.
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. You shared a life and a child together and your grief is real and important. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Seaneen
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Hi @ShadinaBlue , your comments seem absolutely normal, and where we have all been at the early stage, just because you were separated has nothing to do with it, you are still entitled to grieve the loss.
How do we grieve? Truthfully I’ve no idea, we just do our best, we just battle on, hanging on by our fingertips at times, until it all starts to become clear. Then we start to move forward. I found that the best I could do is lean on my friends, the ones who come round and sit quietly with a cuppa and let you talk. Be kind, gentle, and forgiving to yourself, you are your best friend. Eventually you will recognise those steps you need to take to move forward. Be forgiving to your husband. But look for help, starting with your GP or other therapies, I’m sure Seaneen’s advice will also be very helpful.
But stay on here and talk to us, we’ve been there, got the tee-shirt.
It’s definitely not easy, but it comes to an end, but you may not see it yet!
Good luck.
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You were once happy, concentrate on your good memories. Just because you were apart doesn’t mean you can’t grieve his loss. Was he the childrens’ dad, how do they feel about everything, perhaps they can support you. Other people who haven’t been in your situation don’t understand. You don’t have to make excuses for how you feel. Keep posting on here, everyone understands the grief journey unfortunately
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So very sorry for your loss. Just because you had separated doesn’t mean the years of being together and loving each other dont count. You had a long history together and a quick unexpected death will hurt and throw you. Just be kind to yourself talk cry whatever it takes . The children will need your support too and they will be a support to you too.
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Thank you all. I didn’t realise it would feel this hard though not really knowing what to expect anyway. The children are grieving in their own way too. One min ok the next sad and exhausted. We are still trying to sort out the legal stuff too which is also draining. He had moved to and died in his home country so my son who lives there is dealing with their things and I am with uk legals. I feel alone too even though he didn’t provide for us , I still feel alone
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I can completely understand how you are feeling, my husband and I had been living seperately for around 11 months when he died 4 months ago. We have a 10 year old child and I threw him out when he lost control of his alcohol addiction and we could no longer live with him but it was the most painful and awful year. I am not surprised you are overwhelmed and exhausted and all I can say by way of comfort is that I find each month going through the motions gets a little easier, I was signed off work for three months and don’t know how I could have coped having to work through my emotional and physical grief. Now I am back at work but in a different role so that it less stressful and am trying to be kinder to myself and taking things slowly, I am working much less hours. I find that throughout the day I am masking hugely and it takes its tole, I have a mini breakdown most evenings and sometimes still in the mornings though having to be together to wake our daughter and take her to school gets me through. I have struggled with the thought of some thinking that my grief is superficial or somehow not valid as we were seperate however I tell myself that we were husband and wife no matter what and like you there was no finality to our situation and we had not moved on with anyone else. Sometimes we can still love someone but not be able to live with them at that time due to a multitude of reasons and particularly when you have children together there is a bond which will always be there. It’s interesting you speak of your double grief as I too have felt that I had already grieved our happiness and lost life and now am going through this grief again but more instensly. Please stay strong and know you are not alone, you can do it but remember to take things steadily and be kind to yourself.
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My husband died while our marriage dissolved. It’s grieving times two plus a big Wow and it sucks. I truly understand what you are saying and I have no answers but unfortunately this is not uncommon and you are heard by me. Peace to your heart
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Work is hard some days. I work in a school and it’s full on every minute. I have contemplated time off. I do hope it gets easier. It’s the weekend now so I can rest my mind which is so needed too.
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I was doing great! Haha. It took a year til I fell apart Completely. I didn’t see it coming. I kept rah rah rah ing myself along and I regret not taking more time in private to rest and cry and well, grieve. It surprised everyone when I fell apart last month. If you can help yourself by limiting your schedule and time off I would recommend that. I didn’t understand Time until now.
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Time is important isnt it. We break for half term in two weeks so I always just push myself a bit further. It really is the wrong thing to do. I’m spinning so many plates right now. And can’t afford to drop any of them
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Yours is the most important plate. 
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That’s so true
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Its almost worse when separated to try explain to people how deep your grief runs…even deeper because of unresolved issues guilt etc…its imgained from the viewpoint that oh well you werent together so thats it your absolved of having to care as much…but as you know love doesnt turn off like a switch it endures doesnt it…i feel for you as i shared a similar situation when my partner of 20 years died 4 years ago leaving me and 2 teenage sons…we werent together but since we separated became best friends after we both recovered from the split and did everything together…i pray you will get the support you need in terms of understanding…having your feelings dimished its an extra dimension of grief and stress that only those whohave been in your position can truely understand…God bless you and your family and guide you all to safety
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Thr week before he died i managed to fly over with our youngest. He was due to come out of hospital. He was waiting on an oxygen machine. I’m glad I saw him. I needed to make peace as we hadn’t spoken for five years. He didn’t provide for us and it caused tension. He stopped paying thr mortgage without telling me and much more but despite all of this… there is still some love there. My head is all confused
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I hear you. I just posted Complex Grief. It seems we share that misery.
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I started talks with my wife about a divorce, hoping it might shock us into sorting things out, then she went and died 2 weeks later. I’m sure those two things weren’t related. If only I’d done it earlier, if only I hadn’t done it at all, lots of “if only’s”. All unresolvable?. But for many reasons, I started learning Mindfulness by joining an on-line group., and one new skill I learnt was “Self Compassion” where we treat ourselfs in the same way as we treat our bestest friend, when they need us. It’s not an easy skill , but well worth learning. If it’s of interest, there’s lots on google, Particularly by a lady called Kristin Neff
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Same. The reality was he wanted everything to continue as it was and was punishing when I finally objected. And that is not what he said before a judge when we married. And he refused all means to resolve it. Yep. It sucks. I feel a failure however I know I did all I Could Do I’m not God. Just a gal who loves a guy. Cue the violins and close ups of decaying gardens.
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I felt a failure as well @CCAZ , but as I learnt more and more that we were BOTH human, I realised that it’s just part of life, I didn’t design it, we both just did the best we could, playing the hand of cards life (or god??) dealt us. But I’ve been working on it for 3 years. Love Peppy, please treat him to another cuttle fish bone from us Brits 
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