How do I cope and accept the loss of my husband after decades of marriage ,esp as it was a totally random unexpected death. I am shocked frightened grief stricken and feel so alone. The house is empty as we did everything together. I feel so alone and have no future at all. The feeling of desolation is horrendous. I sit alone all day everyday . My two grown children visit when they can but have busy lives to live and I dont want to be a burden. I have a couple of friends but one is in another city and the other lives abroad so I have so much time on my hands. It’s only been 7 weeks since my nightmare began but how do we stop ourselves from going insane with the pain and grief.
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You’re very early in your grief. My partner died suddenly 4 months ago but I feel pretty much the loss and sadness same as earlier on. Everyone on this forum will recognise the feelings you describe. I would add loss of confidence and anxiety into the mix. Personally I find getting out for a while helps, even just going to the shops for groceries. If you can manage it a short walk in the fresh air. Hopefully through time you’ll begin to feel a bit stronger. Ask your family for help, just now they probably think you’re coping. You don’t have to pretend you’re ok just to make other people feel better.
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I am answering from a daughter’s perspective. Don’t feel that you are a burden to your children. My Dad has been on his own for almost a year after we lost my Mum. It gives me some comfort being able to spend time with my Dad and to see for myself how he is doing. We support each other through the process. He has all the same feelings that you describe. He is lucky that he has a good neighbour who he can visit everyday if he wants to and he does have a cup of tea with them most days. He doesn’t really go out much otherwise apart from to the shop and isn’t one to join groups. Between my family we try and visit him a couple of times each week, sometimes just to watch a football match with him on TV. He says he doesn’t want to be a burden or for us to feel like we need to keep going round to check on him.
He goes into my Mum’s room each day and talks to her as he says it makes him feel like she is there with him. I think I noticed a difference with him at around 6 months. The first six months were very hard, he still misses her everyday and always will but he just seemed to turn a corner in his acceptance of it at the 6 month stage.
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Hi Belinda. My story is very similar to yours,not had the funeral yet.Was ok yesterday,talking about him,then this morning had a complete meltdown.I think it was the empty house. The emotions are so overpowering,all I want to do is talk to him.
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So sorry for your loss, my husband also died unexpectedly, heart attack so I understand how you are feeling, especially at such early days. Not everyone will agree with this but the answer is simply ‘time’. Acceptance comes gradually and there is no timeline to any of it. Grief cannot be rushed through. What we resist will persist so the best advice I can give (being 3 yrs on), is take everything hour by hour and day by day. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions and let them come and go as they arise. Don’t compare your grief to others, this is your unique journey and testament to the love you and your husband shared. Build up your strength slowly, focus on you, daily walks, whatever you literally feel up to doing. Try and achieve something small each day. Journal your grief. One day your memories will be a wonderful source of comfort. The life you shared together will become one of gratitude and you will feel blessed that you had the love you had. That love will pull you through and you will continue on a journey of self discovery, a new version of you and hope will rise within you for a future you couldn’t see at first but it will present itself. It’s a time in your life to turn love inwards to yourself. You are never alone, your best friend is yourself, the love of your life is yourself. Take care and a hug on it’s way to you
Lyn
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I completely understand what your saying I’m just over 7 weeks without my husband my daughter has been brilliant coming over when she can but I feel a burden to everyone 
we did everything together I’m lost without Mark everything around you reminds you of them it feels like you just can’t function on your own I’m sending you hugs 
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I am in a similar boat with my Dad - I worry about him since we lost Mum 6 weeks ago. He has a photo of her next to his chair in the lounge and he talks to her. I spend most of my Saturday with him and some of the Sunday and go around Tuesday nights. My sister lives at the family home, but she works during the day and so he is on his own during the week days.
He seems to be doing ok - but we have our moments where her loss is overwhelming and I have to admit, I’ve been struggling a bit since the weekend. She hated our Prime Minister and this morning when he was on the news while I was having breakfast, I burst into tears because I could almost hear her having a rant. I think its hitting me that she is actually gone, but I have faith that I will see her again when my time comes and I’m afraid I am looking forward to that day
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Thank you for your kind words and advise . I hope the same happens to me and some kind of acceptance will happen. Sending good wishes for your dad.
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Thank you so much and the same for you, it’s a horrible path we now have to travel.
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Thank you so much. This gives at least a glimmer of hope.
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Bless you and all the family. One day at a time . Your mum wasn’t alone on her dislike of our prime minister many feel that way too. Your dad seems well looked after which will be a great help.
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I agree i feel the same , I try to stay positive then a rush of anxiety and fear wash over again. It’s hard to accept they are gone and you can’t reach them ,esp after so many years together. I feel they die but take a massive chunk of our lives with them. Im taking people’s advise to let time hopefully make it more bearable at least. I send my heartfelt condolences to you. We are all in the same boat on here so keep reading and commenting when you feel up to it. And be kind to yourself.
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So sorry you are going through this pain, all I can say is just take each hour at a time, go out walking and breathe it has helped me. Take care, it will get better, I promise x
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Hi Belinda,
I really feel your pain, it echoes mine. As I read the posts on here, we are all so similar, so lonely and grief stricken,looking for a way forward. We can totally empathise with each other, but can only write it down. I think it would be wonderful if we could be matched up with similar people within our own areas. I went to a bereavement Cafe the other day and there wasn’t any one there who was recently bereaved. We all need people in the same boat who can understand how we feel, go for walks with, maybe a cup of tea. I feel we need bereavement buddies, but how do we find each other? I live in East Cambridgeshire. Would give you a big cuddle if I could reach you?
I really agree with this. I have looked in my area but there is nothing casual, such as just meeting for a coffee,a walk. One or two established groups for dancing or bingo but not really my thing.
Hi,
I am presuming you are not near me? If we just put the general area of the country we are in, the perfect bereavement buddy may be nearby? Perhaps Sue Ryder could connect without giving out personal details?
Hi,
There must be a way of connecting people. It would be good to talk face to face with someone who is going through this. Its been said many times,its not until you live this that you can understand what its like.
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Thank you so much and your idea is a good one . Some of us are new to this hell while others have had time pass. Have you tried any on line grief forums in your own area . I am much the same and struggling to find local help . Keep taking it one day at a time and try to stay connected to some hobby or interest. I have thought about volunteering in a charity shop to get out the house a few hours a few days a week . Something anything must be better than sitting in my own head and misery all day everyday.
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Hi Belinda,
I am also ill in my own right, so battling with health along with bereavement - trying to navigate everything in my new lonely world. I have plotted out what I would like to achieve and my husband would have been disappointed if I didn’t go for it now - we both had cancer but it is so hard as he was my world. You haven’t said what area you live in? There seems to be a void for recently bereaved people near me. The Bereavement Centre I attended had people who lost their partners over 10 years ago. They were happy socialising and I was battling my tears. I have been told to reach out and that’s what I am trying to do.
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As time goes by I discover others nearby who are widows or widowers. Where I live surrounded by them. Not all pally. But some more so than others. I go to a group in the village where other women go in the same boat. Be nice if the men came but don’t know why they do not. They tell me like to go to gym which I just prefer a swim indoors if not busy or online yoga. But I go to a monthly community lunch and sit with widower when I can get car to start. This weather keeps draining battery. I don’t find it easy even after three years but I have got used to it.
Just have to get on with it somehow. Today been reading my dad’s life story he wrote 50 years ago. Been trying to have a sort out. Reclaim the space. Moved away from wanting his stuff around if it is in the way. He would have been 80 on Saturday so we usually have a takeaway with his son’s and grandsons to remember and continue tradition. I always wrote him a poem for his birthday and he kept them. So still will.
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