Hi all
Had lots of help and comfort from this community in last few days. Thanks so much. Four weeks tomorrow since my amazing husband of 33 years died.
The mornings are worst. I seem to sleep ok, and I don’t have bad dreams, but as I wake up and remember he’s gone the pain and loss is crushing. I’m staying in bed longer and longer; what’s the point of getting up?
Any coping techniques? Do others feel the same. I so want to make this work but it’s indescribably hard.
Jamie
I find that the mornings are hardest. It is a crushing pain that festers and with no motivation to get up it lingers. I find having a shower as soon as I can helps, cuo if coffee and cleaning! Once i stop tho it is back to square one.
Hi. Jamie. I’m nearly four weeks in from the losing love of my life so know exactly what you mean. It is absolutely crushing when you wake up n the tears start.
Me n John really didn’t get up till around 10 ish anyway and I’ve always been someone who can mess around for England n get nowhere so I’ve decided if I want to stay in bed, I will. If I wanna walk, I will. If I want to binge watch tele, I will. If I want to listen to classical radio, I will. If I want to talk with family n friends, I will
There’s no right n no wrong to any of those things it’s just how you feel at the time n on that day. We have to think of ourselves just now n what we need to do to make ourselves feel a smidgeon better.
When our summer comes then I know I will sit outside in the garden n read but that’ll set me off because John wont be with me. One thing for sure though the next day will come n it’s how we will deal with it.
It’s a learning curve and the worst one we will ever have but it must get easier with time. I hope it gets easier. It’s got to get easier I want to smile n laugh again n not have this heavy sick feeling inside🫶
Thank you.
Hi, I also think the mornings are the worst time. It was 11 weeks ago today that me amd my husband walked down the road and he collapsed and died so unexpectedly. I used to wake up in the very early weeks and ache in disbelief . I now wake up feeling resigned and sad. I do feel better when I get up and have a shower. I then take my lovely labrador for a long walk and go from there. Saturdays were our favourite days, not any more. Some people say evenings are worse but for me it is definitely mornings. So am now going to get myself up, have a shower and take my lovely lab out for a long ,long walk and see where the day takes me. I dont make plans any more, my husband did ,had so many plans and although we always had a fantastic time and did so much, we had do much more to do. I just try to live in the moment now, as one minute you could be here, next you are gone. I am so sad to think of what he is missing.
Yes, the sadness is that my wife lost her life and how much she loved her life. She couldnt stop it, i couldnt! Im sitting drinking coffee still numb fro. It all. My head is bouncing and i cant concentrate. Its a total mess, i wonder why i fell in live if this is what it feels like to lose somebody
Dan5. I absolutely understand your thoughts on why did I fall in love to be left with this sadness n pain. I’m still trying to find the answer to that three weeks in from losing John.
We were only together for two n half years but i will be eternally grateful to him as Id honestly never known love like it. I was even contemplating marriage…
I loved him unconditionally within 3/4 months of meeting him even though I had been with my previous partner for 25 years plus and to be absolutely honest when he passed away I didn’t feel this much pain.
I don’t think I could ever put myself in a position to go through this again. Too old anyway but then I think of really elderly people in care homes that meet n marry in their 80s and I think it’s wonderful but in the end painful…
My cousin has been married three times n has just been bereaved again n I wonder how she has got through it and I’m seeing her on Monday n I’m going to ask her…
I guess we cant help falling in love ots a part of life. We all want to be happy afterall. Let me know what your cousin says about it all x
I will let you know for sure but I’ve just realised I did the very same thing and I don’t know how or why it happened.
I lost Pete after nearly 25 years thinking he was the love of my life but then met John by chance n fell hook, line n sinker. I’ve cried more in three weeks for John than I ever did for Pete and I don’t know why…
Does it mean we can all love others that come after the heartbreak of losing someone who we absolutely adored. It’s a mystery.
In ypur case id say Yes. Time will tell for others, i thonk its the intima y that is missed
Today is one of the worst I’ve had. Like you Saturdays were a day we were always together. We didn’t live together but 3/4 days n nights we were.
John had so many ideas of where to go n what to do n I feel absolutely empty. I don’t feel I want to go on but I have family and friends plus single friends but they at this moment can’t make up for the loss. I want them yet don’t. It’s difficult to know what I want…
I think it’s now sinking in after the total shock of him going in front of me. So many questions that no one can answer.
I’m sorry if I’m making anyone feel worse than they already do just now.
No, youre not. I dont see how you can as we are all in the same boat. We are here to support each other no matter how vad it feels. Believe mw we all feel the same and just need to try and fet through it x
Bless you. Nothing to apologise for. I get such comfort here because people don’t try to cheer me, or trot out cliches that make we want to scream. My friends have no comprehension about how I feel. You all here do, and hearing your stories of pain and loss give me reassurance that what I’m feeling is normal, and shared.
Take care x
I also find the mornings the hardest. My (same sex) wife died 5 months ago, aged 55. We had been together for 35 years and were looking forward to growing old together, so I know what you are going through. It was so, so hard in those early days. What has helped me is to exercise first thing every morning, I find it clears my head and makes me feel a bit better. I have an exercise bike so I just do a session on that, whatever I feel up to that day, with a few sets of weights thrown in if I want to. It doesn’t change my situation, nothing is going to, yet it does pep me up and make me a little bit more able to face the day. I’ve never done a little workout and felt worse than when I started, so I take that as a win and these little wins do add up over time.
Thank you for your input. I think its about motivation to make you feel better, OR lack of! Some mornings i just lie in bits, unable to move as I feel frozen and waiting to thaw out. I know it helps a little bit but ultimately getting through the day is hard. Sitti g here now all i can feel is a hollow nervous tension with a sense of loss. Been like this for 3 hours now! Could be described as shock but i dont think shock jadts this long. Like you we planned on growing old and filling our time, what now? Its desperate, im finding it soul consuming and dont really know if i can face it anymore. Thank you x
I think it’s that nervous tension that exercise, or movement in general, really helps with. When I get in a real funk (which is often), I try to get up and go for a walk. I’m lucky in that I live near the coast so can walk on the beach by the sea. Yes, I’m often in tears as I walk along but again, as with the exercise, I never come back from a walk feeling worse than when I set out. For me it’s been about seeking out the little things that help even just a little bit and keeping at them. None of them ‘fix’ my situation but I have accepted that there is no fix, my wife is not coming back no matter how much I wish it could be the case. These little coping mechanisms get me through the day though and until I can start seeing a future, that’s got to be better than nothing hasn’t it?
Yes, we are thankful for small mercies. And you are right when you say until we can find a life then these little things get us through. Acceptance of the situation is hard to decipher as I believe accepted or not then would we feel different OR is it a subsidary of why we feel like this? I dont know tbh, take away all the thoughts we would only be left with emotion without a reason! Would that emotion remain, would it hurt any less? Im lost with it all but surely one day we will see the light as otgers have been through this horrendous experience. Love again!? Atm, no!
I honestly can’t fathom how people manage to fall in love again after losing their partner. All credit to them though, because I just don’t think I have the capacity to love anyone in the same way I loved my wife.
I agree with you so much. People do though, and good luck to them if it makes them happy. I mean, we all want to be happy after our loss and if it works for them, well who are we? In general ive lost the biggest love of my life and to love again would in my eyes be second best. In general though, to love anything as much as we did is impossible, e.g. holidays, parties, chats, coffee etc. These are the things that hurt us, the small things and of course the best company x