How to cope with the sudden loss of my mum

Losing a parent
#1

Hi

I don’t really know what I am hoping to achieve by posting but thought it might be good to hopefully chat with people who have been in a similar position. 6 weeks ago my mum suddenly died of a heart attack, she was only 64 fit and healthy. She had been looking after my two young children the day before and had seemed absolutely fine when i said goodbye to her that day.

I just can’t get my head around the fact she is no longer here and I don’t know how to for the sake of my husband and my children. I do have some more positive days or moments during the days but then at others times I feel like everything is pointless and feel so sad that my mum will never see my children grow up or have any idea as to what will happen to me and my family.

I know I should appreciate all the time and memories I had with her which I do but can’t help feeling totally cheated and angry especially at the sudden departure.

Sorry for the long post…

Thank you for reading.

#2

Hi Stef,

I’m so sorry to hear that your Mum died suddenly six weeks ago. It must have been such a shock for you, especially as you had no warning she was ill. I can understand that it’s difficult for you to get your head round the fact that she’s no longer here. My Mum died nearly 5 years ago and there are still times I forget she’s not here, especially when I want to share exciting news or tell her something my daughter has done. She was ill for a long while so it wasn’t sudden. I do though feel angry that other people still have their Mums & I don’t, I’m 47.

It’s still so soon for you after your Mums death. Try not to put pressure on yourself & allow yourself to grieve in the way you need to. In time the positive moments win the battle, the sad ones still happen but less often.You will be able to cherish all the memories of your Mum, sometimes with tears which is so normal.

Be kind to yourself and reach out to friends/family to support you. It’s important you have an outlet to share your feelings and emotions with. Please keep posting on the forum, there are loads of lovely supportive people who understand what you’re going through & how you’re feeling. Take care, Trudy

#3

Hi Stef,

So sorry to read about your Mum and that it was sudden. My Dad passed away nearly 26 years ago after an unexpected heart attack and it is very frightening. Six weeks is a very short time and you are probably still in shock. I felt cheated too as my Dad was 63, never had the chance to enjoy retirement or anything and I felt very bitter about that for some time afterwards.

You mention having good moments and days and that is brilliant, keep a hold on those times which may help you through rougher patches. Just take everyday as it comes and at the end of each treat it as an achievement that you have got through.

Keep coming back here if you need people to chat to, there is quite often someone online in the middle of night to talk to even who can’t sleep too.

Mel

#4

After a bereavement, it is very emotional and confusing. The effects and duration are unique to us all so short, medium and long-term can be one grey area. Family and friends can support you by helping you make decisions and comforting you. Sharing your thoughts here and with others will help you come to understand and accept what you are going through.

Patience is another good quality that can come with being comforted. I’m sure you will hear from other members offering you their support and consolation. Hopefully, all the kind words you receive will help you on your way. Good luck.

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#5

I’m in a similar situation to you, lost my mum the beginning of January suddenly. I feel empty have good and bad days. Life will never be the same I know. I’ve just joined this site to and hope talking will help as finding it hard to. X

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#6

I lost my mom suddenly a month ago. She died from undiagnosed secondary cancer. I nursed her in her final days. I didn’t leave her side. I have very similar emotions. I’m up and down daily not knowing how to deal with my feelings. I’m having flash backs to her death and desperately I’m looking for answers… I just feel so lost she was in my eyes a perfect mom and although I’m a mother myself my mom mothered me right to the end. Thanks for sharing your stories. I think at the moment just being able to read that other people feel the same way helps enormously.

#7

It’s hard. I lost my mum just before Xmas. I go through so many ups and downs in a day. Overall feel massively sad. People keep saying to me it takes time. I don’t want time as it distances me from her. She was my best friend. I just take it a day at a time and try to not think about her death. Almost try to pretend still here. It helps me get through the days. Somebody told me grief is the price we pay for love. Take good care of yourself. X

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#8

Thankyou. X i need to talkmore about it as not accepting its happened x

#9

Hi
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m new on here as I lost my mum 3 weeks ago. She to was taken suddenly by infection. She was 57 and healthy young and a lovely lady. The daytime she was out shopping with me and my daughter, then by night was rushed to A&E. 5 hours later she had passed away. I know how you feel and I’m sorry I can’t give you the answers. I am searching for answers myself but the truth is there isn’t any, I just find that if I try to stay strong for my children and dad it helps a little. Take each day as it comes. Try to remember the good times.
No one could ever replace our mum’s but our children still have there mummys so we have to be strong for them, my mum was my best friend we spent every day together life will never be the same anymore. We just have to find a new routine now and look forward to when we meet again.
Xx

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#10

Thankyou and sorry for your loss also. I’m in process of getting counseling as hope will help to accept and talk. I know i need to but afraid i will just break down andnot stop if start. I need to take own advice and look at positives and try think of her as blocking it all out. Appreciate comments thankyou. Keep strong also x

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#11

Hi.Counselling is a very good thing. To express yourself to a professional who can help you is good. So is sharing your story here.

I used to feel cheated when everyone told me that it’s very personal and takes as long. But it is true. Comfort yourself with the fact that you have already done two good things to help yourself. This weekend try and think of all the good times, that should help you overcome the anger and hurt.

It is not easy, but it is possible. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

#12

Thankyou

#13

My mum passed unexpectedly back in February, she was only 49, I did cpr but it never helped. Since she has passed I have forgot who I am, feel so lost and alone. I don’t know good days anymore. Anyhow I hope you can find the strength you need to get through this hard time. All the best

#14

Bless, poor you. I’m trying to think of good things but just thinking about is hard is to it? I’ve been to drs and they are helping so don’t feel so alone as there are services out there xxxx

#15

Hi,

I am so sorry to read of everyone’s losses. Sudden loss causes shock as well as grief and in some ways until the shock subsided a little grieving cannot start.

Seeking the support of bereavement professionals and counsellors can be of great help.

A member of my extended family passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 2 years ago. Like many you have talked about she was fit and well enjoying her life right up until her final day when she had a torn aorta (cause unknown) and just passed suddenly as doctors were trying to find out what was wrong.

The gap left by our loved ones is immense. The way that we deal with our losses are individual to us but there is a common thread that we can all share on here. I came onto this site because I did not know how to cope with losing my mum. I found that just being able to type and ‘talk’ helped me release my feelings in a place where no one judges and everyone understands.

Please use this site to tell us how you feel - you do not have to hide your feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and fear as you often have to with loved ones and friends. It is an additional worry trying to cope with the people around you and trying not to show how upset or fragile you are.

Take care one and all,

Caroline

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#16

I have asked bereavement counselling and am on a waiting list, they don’t know how long the wait is. I feel alone and not sure where else to turn. Hope everyone is getting support they require x

#17

Hi Jacquelyn,

Is that with your doctor or with Cruse?

I asked my doctor for support when my mum died last August and was told that my loss was too recent ! They referred me to Cruse but I joined here instead.

Maybe look at Cruse website - they have local counselling and groups I think.

Take care,

Caroline

#18

At first I was worried about posting. I find a comfort knowing others have same feelings. I didn’t think I would. We all avoid upsetting others whilst struggling without own massive range of feelings. Since Dec I cry everyday, feel massively sad (whilst still trying to hide it) and alone. My partner is great as told him I just need him to listen and not try and go for judge. He understands thankfully. It’s now 4 months and everyday brings a different sadness but I tell myself my mum would want me to be ok. I hope everyone here finds some comfort this weekend. God bless you all xxx

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#19

Hi,

I felt the same when I first came across this online community. It was before my mum passed away but I felt I needed help as I knew I was losing her.

Oddly, reading other’s stories made me realise I was not alone and that what I was feeling was normal and ok.

I am almost 8 months on from losing Mum now and I still cry most days. It is a real rollercoaster of emotions but I agree that each day brings another sadness, another moment or event not shared with our mums.

Your Mum would want you to be ok and she would also appreciate that your grief is a sign of the love you have for her. I listened to Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheernan a lot before Mum died and I chose it for her funeral too - if you have not heard it have a listen as I find it of great comfort.

Keep posting in here as and when you want to. Take care,

Caroline x

#20

I agree Caroline. Whilst that’s a sad song it gives a little in the words “a life that’s been loved”. I sometimes, not always but sometimes get comfort from listening to my mum’s funeral songs. I feel close to her again. It’s that day and not 4 months ago if that makes sense. Others who haven’t gone through it yet would possibly deem morbid but it helps me a little. Thank you all for listening x

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