I am new here, so hello and please excuse the long message.
My mum passed 2 am days before Christmas, she had cancer but her treatment was supposedly working? She died suddenly and it completely broke me. Mum was only ill for 3 months so it all felt like it happened so fast.
A lil back story
I work full time have 3 children a huge family and commitments to kids clubs, etc.
My mum has two sisters
They live abroad - they are like a little gang and they are bossy can be quite toxic and push their opinions into others constantly.
When mum got her diagnosis I took her to an appointment to get the news the treatment had worked. She had several follow ups my dad took her too. I couldnāt go near her when she had the radio therapy as we was advised as I have children under 5 years old. So Iād have to wait for the weeks of treatment to end and Iād see her then.
I was in the hospital with her
Bought her all new clothes
Took her home made meals in
It may seem not very much? I donāt know? I guess I thought we had more time to share together.
But I work all week and itās busy family life.
Mum was always included and invited round - often tho she wasnāt feeling well and couldnāt come.
And that was always understood.
The issue
My aunties came to mums send off, they spoke really badly of me saying how I didnāt do enough wasnāt there enough and how they did more than me or my family here, from far away?
I donāt fully believe what they said is true but I guess part of me does feel guilty. We had planned a spa day and to go places in 2024. Iād cleared a bit of my schedule to have more time to make things happen with my mum.
Unfortunately we didnāt get the time. So I think some of their words really hurt me.
They said how mum was lonely?
They said we didnāt make enough effort
One of them said I should have quit my job, I shouldnāt have worried about the radio therapy and still gone to see mum etc.
I explained I need to work to pay bills and I was protecting my kids by staying away during those times. But they have no children and both come from privileged marriages. They donāt fully understand my life and situation
But they pushed their nasty toxic opinions onto me and dad at mums funeral. The funeral myself and dad organised and paid for by the way - not that that should matter but, we was offered nothing from them.
They had a go at me for not playing a song
I hired mums favourite local singer and he did hall her faves
They wanted something I couldnāt get. They refused to go and ask staff to play it form a phone over the system and expected us to run around after them.
One of them actually said
Why are you crying, I miss her more than you she was my sister and I knew her longer!
That took me by surprise - even tho I expect their behaviour to be poor it still caught me off guard
I just said oh well down thatās good for you.
But all their words bother me.
I think perhaps there is a bit of could I have done more? Should I have quit my job? I think had I known d the time was so short I may have? But I thought we would get to do all the plans we made.
Iām so hurt by mums passing
She was 57 and didnāt deserve it.
She was really just always so positive even when she struggled. It hurts and that hurt will never go away. I miss her my kids miss her. But the sisters make it all about themselves and tell their opinions to family and I feel itās unfair. I live my mum and was I the perfect daughter, of course not
But I was always there for her as she was for me. We spoke every day
She was close to us and I feel their toxicity is making me feel si much worse
I donāt think they should share everything and especially not in that day.
How do I deal with this? I love them, I know mum loved them
But I canāt deal with them at this time they are too much
Too bossy too opinionated and very much victims of their own doing
They gang uo and they did that to mum too. She was the one left out always. Itās just all very sad as everyone else in family was so supportive and kind and helped out. They did nothing but expected everything
Iām part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - Iād like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. Iām so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
Iām sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
i have a simlier sort of problem, my husband died on december 28th, he always said that he didnt want his sisters or extended family knowing that he has died or coming to the funeral, i will certainly grant his wishes as all they did when he was alive use and abuse him mind you the last 6 years they havent spoken to each other, i am dreading the day when they do find out [not by me]so in a way i can see where you are coming from take care Diane
This is a constantly recurring theme- death just seems to bring the worst out in people, or, I think, their true colours.
I experienced this with my partnerās family during her illness and in the aftermath of her death - I could go on and on about how disgusting their behaviour was, but that is the exact opposite of the solution and your ultimate well being.
If you allow it to take over your life, youāre playing into their narrative and giving them exactly what they want and what theyāre trying achieve.
I eventually realised that, if I was going to cope, I had to excise all toxicity from my life and anyone associated with it
My advice is to completely cut ties in all ways - both social media blocking and physical avoidance.
No good will come from dealings with them and they will continue to break you down as long as you allow it
@Margatitta sorry for the loss of your mam, I too am dealing with my partners toxic family, he passed away 4th of December and he hadnāt told his mother about me, I understood why, she was very bossy and opinionated and he didnāt want me involved with her, which was fair enough, the day he died, she got a shock of losing her son but also she found out about me, she said I wasnāt welcome at her home or to speak to anyone as I was a stranger and a nobody!!! I tried to explain I was with him a long time and often longed to meet them but she wasnāt having it, then came the āyour not welcome at my sons funeralā I did go, I sat at the back, was in a trance! Disgraceful behaviour! But Iāve never once reacted to her toxic behaviour and her lies sheās told after, narcissists feed on drama so they can play the victim, cut them off, donāt respond, go silent, it hurts them more! They canāt get a reaction and theyāll be wondering why!! Theyāll be guilty for not being there for your mam, you were! You did what you thought was best and that was good enough! Not being funny but why should you give up your job? And then struggle to bring up your kids? Have money worries? Iām sure your mam wouldnāt of wanted you to do that! Why didnāt they come back home? Give up their lives abroad since they thought they knew better? Vile behaviour but donāt feel bad about it, you were there, they werenāt, people seem to come out the woodwork after and give their opinion s! A few did after my partners funeral! I was angry at some thinking where were yous when he was alive?? Donāt come crying now!! Grief affects everyone different, brings out the worst in some, but theyāve always been that kind of person and nothing will change them,
Wow
Thanks everyone for you time replying it means a lot.
My husband and dadās family have all said just walk away. And I think I know I should.
My only thing is, my mums mum - my amazing nan, she passed almost a year to the day before mum. She and my mum were my favourites. I donāt want to loose ties with the last remaining of mums family.
I mean, I know I would have to distance myself, as I canāt take the toxicity
But I feel like mum would really want me to not leave it all on bad terms.
I donāt know
I just feel so hurt. By all of it
Thanks so much for your advice
I will take it in board as thatās basically the advice everyoneās given me here. Xx
I am so sorry you had to deal with that.
I just donāt understand how people can be so cruel? Especially at a time youāre already hurting.
Iām sorry for your loss
Itās hard enough without the added drama of others.
My aunties have been gaslighting my mum for years and now, they are doing the same to me. My feelings are not taken into account at all, itās all about them. They come as a pair and they hang up
Theyāre raise their voices and shout
Itās just ugly.
Iām a very emotionally lead person
Iām empathetic to everyone
I feel very deeply
And even after how they acted, I have still offered an olive branch which they have ignored.
When I reaponded and said I think it was unfair what you said and untrue
Also not a great time
They said I obviously donāt feel well and theyāll speak to me when Iām better?
My husband said itās pure gaslighting, Iām grieving my mum at a young age and il never āfeel betterā
Itās like the funerals happened and theyāre expecting me to be over it already?
Iām just in pain and I love them, theyāre my aunties. But their words hurt me and Iām now dealing with them ignoring me and it hurts. Especially at a time Iād love to have them be close - they were mums sisters after all.
I hope you managed to griev for your partner
The mother sounds very cruel to speak to you in such a way.
Thank you for sharing with me
Xx
I am sorry for your loss. It is hard enough dealing with the grief
Family members who make things harder are just strange to me?
I hope you have some support
Thank you for your time in replying
It means a lot xx
Oh Diane Iām so sorry for your loss
You did the right thing by your by your husband. He had reasons for them not to know
If they do find out maybe just ignore them?
You ow them nothing!!
I hope you have some support around you.
My aunties have really hurt my feelings at a time when I am struggling
It seems cruel?
I just would never do that to someone.
One in particular has treated my mum real bad over the years, and was quite mean to her this year before she got sick. My dad thinks sheās feeling guilty so offloading onto me? I think there is some truth in that tbh
I never told her I knew about all what she did, how my mum was upset over it
How she had spoken about it 2 days before she passed away as it was still hurting her! I never said that because I didnāt want to hurt her
I respected my mum too much to cause anyone anymore pain.
Yet they couldnāt show me the same courtesy
And I did everything I could for my mum
She was my best friend
I miss her with every heartbeat
Itās all still so raw
3 weeks ago she was here. Alive. We were planning Christmas and had all our lists checked off.
Iām deverstated
And they have now gone back home leaving me to sort my mums place out. Knowing how upset I am, no offer of any help.
I tried to offer an olive branch and they choose to ignore that.
Itās gaslighting
I think the more I write replies the more Iām realising I probably do need ti cut ties as actually they do not bring me any peace when I need them the most
Your husbands sisters must have been the same way
God boess and thanks for sharing with me xx
margatitta your welcome no i dont have anybody to help me or relay on it just me doing it all,but i will get through it, i talk to Gary every day morning noon and night, i sleep now the same side as he did, and i get comfort out of that,yah the sisters are the same i know if they get to know i will be in for it from them but that is what Gary wanted i feel if i dont do what he wants then i am going against him and i never would do that , they are not gonna know anything (well not from me anyway) god bless and take care im always herexxx
Hi everyone,
I have toxic people Iām related to too, so I know the type well, @Margatitta, I would say, I agree with Ang5, you have your own family to consider, you shouldnāt have to give up your job or anything else, it sounds to me that their lives are empty, so theyāre trying to make themselves feel better by putting you down, grrrrr! I hate bullies, & to treat you like that at such an emotional time was just cruel.
I understand that you see them as the last ties to you mom & nan, but as you say yourself, they are toxic, your mom sounds like a nice lady who would want the best for you, & would want you to have a happy life, it is of course your choice. All I can say from personal experience is, bullies are never worth the trouble, & theyāll never change.
To @MemoriesOfUs , I like that quote, . I agree, the only real way is forget the toxic people & focus on whatās really important.
To @dianedee , I like the idea of not telling them, I call that karma on them for how they treated him, also, it makes sense, especially funerals can be an emotional time, & doesnāt need to be made any more stressful by āproblemā relatives. I find your loyalty to your partnerās decision very heartwarming.
i had a lot of toxic family and friends so when my hubby died 2022, i put up a mesage on FB that basically said, sorry to tell you dave died yesterday, there will be no funeral, there is no insurance so anyone hoping to get some money, there aint any so you can all %$Ā£$ *&
Hello so sorry to hear that you have lost your lovely mum and that your auntieās are giving you such a hard time when your at your most vulnerable, this actually says more about them than it does about you, it sounds as if they are trying to put their own guilt onto you instead of dealing with it themselves. You loved your mum and she loved you and nothing absolutely nothing can ever change that, no mater how nasty they become they cannot take that away from you. Please look after yourself and try to think that their behaviour is their problem and not yours, if that means distancing yourself from them then thatās what you may have to do, you donāt deserve or need this you have done nothing wrong nor do you need to feel guilty, sadly sometimes people react like this my own brother turned on me when our mum passed away and it can really drag you down, you have a lovely family so please concentrate on them and turn to them and friends for comfort. Sending you a big hug.X
@MemoriesOfUs am I correct in my assumption that you have been on the receiving end of family fall - out since your loss ? Forgive me if I am wrong btw .
I have a son who I once would have described as a wonderful son . Sadly my nasty DIL has ensured that since my partner died , me and my son have majorly fallen out . Well heās fallen out with me . Iāve been blocked on their phones for not giving them space , Iāve had texts ( important messages) ignored , he visits me once a week ( without her ) , sheās banned him from hugging me and the list goes on ā¦ā¦and on ā¦ā¦
Sheās pregnant and this all coincided with the start of this . Iām banned from seeing my grandson, something which has caused me so much heartache. Re the child , Iāve decided for my own wellbeing, I have to just wait and see . They might change their mind they might not . Obviously this will cause a family division which he doesnāt care about . He sees me as a burden even though he only visits once a week . I am terribly angry at his callous treatment of me at a time when I am struggling so much . Iām not coping at all following the sudden unexpected death of my partner in January 2023. Even if things improve, I will never forget this time . I would forgive him because life is too short
This is really sad. Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this on top of your grief.
While the DIL sounds horrific your son should stand up for himself and for you!
I feel same way about my aunts
I would forgive them but wonāt forget how abandoned theyāve made me feel at the lowest part of life.
Have you tried talking to your son? I wouldnāt want you to loose him any further but do any other family ever mention anything to him? Itās hard cos you shouldnāt need to ask them to be there or point out where they have gone wrong. But it can be so hurtful and frustrating especially when you knwi you havnt done anything wrong. The no hugging you thing? Whatās that about? If she isnāt even there ?? Sounds jealous and perhaps insecure. Such a shame she is causing a rift like this and bigger shame heās allowing it. I hope you have other family or friends who can support you thru xx
I too am dealing with my partners toxic family, he passed away 4th of December and he hadnāt told his mother about me, I understood why, she was very bossy and opinionated and he didnāt want me involved with her, which was fair enough, the day he died, she got a shock of losing her son but also she found out about me, she said I wasnāt welcome at her home or to speak to anyone as I was a stranger and a nobody!!! I tried to explain I was with him a long time and often longed to meet them but she wasnāt having it, then came the āyour not welcome at my sons funeralā I did go, I sat at the back, was in a trance! Disgraceful behaviour! But Iāve never once reacted to her toxic behaviour and her lies sheās told after, narcissists feed on drama so they can play the victim, cut them off, donāt respond, go silent, it hurts them more! They canāt get a reaction and theyāll be wondering why!! Theyāll be guilty for not being there for your mam, you were! You did what you thought was best and that was good enough! Not being funny but why should you give up your job? And then struggle to bring up your kids? Have money worries? Iām sure your mam wouldnāt of wanted you to do that! Why didnāt they come back home? Give up their lives abroad since they thought they knew better? Vile behaviour but donāt feel bad about it, you were there, they werenāt, people seem to come out the woodwork after and give their opinion s! A few did after my partners funeral! I was angry at some thinking where were yous when he was alive?? Donāt come crying now!! Grief affects everyone different, brings out the worst in some, but theyāve always been that kind of person and nothing will change them, 
it means a lot.
. I agree, the only real way is forget the toxic people & focus on whatās really important.