Guilt is a normal part of grieving - all the what ifs. This is your brain playing tricks on you.
As for the sisters - perception is in the eye of the beholder. Simply put - they are projecting their guilt onto you to make themselves feel better or to be blame free. Walk away and ignore it. It’s clearly non sense and your mum loved you dearly. We all do our best with the knowledge we had at the time and there is always a bit of regret.
I feel your pain. I lost mum 10 weeks ago and dad 9 days ago. The guilt of could i have done more is killing me.
Remove toxic people and start the healing process. Your energy is zapped with grief, don’t give them the precious energy that you have remaining. Take care and good luck. X
My situation isn’t as complex as yours - all the issues came from her side of the family.
They have been disgusting - I’m not so worried about me as I never really got on with them - what hurt the most was how they treated her during her illness. She went through so much and to see the added pain they caused her by basically being completely disinterested in her illness and I was the one who had to mop up her tears.
After she passed and they carried on with their antics, so I cut all ties with them
I know it’s not as simple when it’s your children and direct family to just cut ties and write them off
@Margatitta unfortunately my son has chosen to stand by his wife and abandon me completely. Selfish yes . I would never expect him to choose as she has done so this really hurts . I’m in deep grief following the sudden unexpected loss of my partner and this was over a year ago . I could do with some compassion. The hugging thing is bizarre . The nasty DIL banned Hugging for me after I became distressed and asked my son to hug me , he was reluctant ( which surprised me ) but his wife was there . She screamed at me something like “ leave him alone he is in charge of his own body autonomy “ (???!) . I don’t even know what this means .?Then he dissisted, and ever since won’t even hold my hand I’m so lonely . You are right , she’s dreadful but I had a lovely relationship with her before the pregnancy. I can’t cope with all this on top of my grief , now my mental illness has deteriorated so badly I’m becoming agoraphobic again. I’m in a mess and I really do need my son’s support and so does my 83 year old dad who needs help with practical things. We have been abandoned at a time of great need and I will never forget this betrayal of me
Hi @Ladysuisei6
I’m sorry to hear your going through this at such an emotional time, the no hugging thing is strange, & in my opinion, cruel, the DIL sounds possessive & jealous, I don’t understand why people have to be so cruel just because of their own insecurities, or to make themselves feel better. It’s clear DIL is pulling the strings, & poor son is caught in the middle, but if he won’t man up enough to speak up now, he’s not going to after baby’s born, I can see this is all very heartbreaking for you, it must feel like your loosing your son too. I think the son needs a shock to bring him back to reality, it’s not fair that he hurts you like this, visiting regularly says to me he loves you very much, & wants that mother son relationship, but to hang on, but keep you at a distance like this, just isn’t healthy. I can understand that as a mother you could never break completely from your son, & you really shouldn’t have to, but you need to look after yourself, are there any other friends or family that can help support you & your dad? The sad loss of your partner is so resent, I feel it might be a good idea to see what bereavement support is available in your area, if you’re son can’t be depended on, hopefully you can find the support you need elsewhere, it is of course up to you what you choose to do, & take each day at your own pace, & there are always people to talk to on this forum. Sending hugs of support.
@Pandaprincess thank you for your kind words . I know what you say is true . My DIL is very insecure and jealous of my previous close relationship with my son , but it’s only a normal mother/ son bond . He was very close to my partner who was his step dad for 20 years and I know he’s not happy with this situation. He says it’s the best option in a bad situation- apparently I’ve said something which upset his wife . With regards help with my grief , I haven’t done anything about this yet , it seems to final and I still can’t accept it . He was and still is everything to me , so why my DIL should behave like this at this time is beyond comprehension. I am shocked by her cruelty and to put a mother and son in this situation is unforgivable. Yes I can only hope that things change when the baby arrives but I’m not holding my breath . I have waited to be a Nan for so long , I will simply have to love the child from afar . It’s sad and my partner would be absolutely furious with her xxx
@MemoriesOfUs thats awful for both you and your wife and I think cutting ties is a sensible and loyal option.
You are right , my situation has escalated and I don’t actually understand the total reason for this . I will never actively cut contact with my son , I still love him too much despite the way he treats me . I’d always give him a second chance . Of course I’m under no obligation to afford his wife the same love . I used to have a good relationship with her but having a child to wield as a weapon has put her at an advantage. I will undoubtedly lose out here I think - shame on her . I won’t ever do something to actively make my situation worse , so I tread carefully. This is so exhausting on top of grieving for my wonderful partner who would be absolutely horrified to know what’s happened
@Ladysuisei6 it placed her in a very difficult position - does she take the bitterness to the grave or choose to ignore the reality
She chose to ignore it and pretend everything was ok - you can’t put yourself in the position of someone facing their own mortality
But I will never forgive them for adding to her pain and suffering
I don’t really know what to suggest in your situation - it seems this is being driven by DIL and your son doesn’t have the backbone or is too easily manipulated to challenge the status quo
All I can suggest is give it time and hopefully one day he looks in the mirror and can’t recognise himself and realises what he’s become
Then you have to decide if it’s too little too late, if that day comes
@MemoriesOfUs i would personally never take bitterness to my grave - I would have done what your lovely brave wife chose to do .
Bless her .
I realise that my own situation is being driven by my DIL and not my son . I spoke with him yesterday and when I asked certain direct questions he found it difficult to make eye contact. He is finding this situation very painful. I don’t understand why he’s not got the backbone to stand up for me , but I’m only his mother aren’t I , will always ( rightly) come second. That was all fine before this pregnancy- maybe things will go back to a bit like normal after the baby has arrived. Who knows ?
One day I do hope he looks in the mirror and and asks himself what have I become? We were always very close . Maybe this is what threatens his wife although it shouldn’t. He’s my son , we are not in competition for his affection.
So , I have to develop my inner strength here and face the rest of my life with bravery. I simply refuse to be a doormat , but equally I will always be prepared to move on from this episode. At least I will have a clear conscience then
@Ladysuisei6 if he can’t make eye contact then he knows full well that what he is doing is wrong
On the surface your DIL sounds like a narcissist and somewhat of a sociopath - they thrive on control and whatever manipulation is needed to maintain that and your son is too weak to fight it and would rather compromise his values
I don’t really think it’s about jealousy or competing for affection, it’s about narcissistic control and dominance
Hopefully he comes to his senses and realizes how toxic the relationship is and how far he’s fallen
@MemoriesOfUs thank you for your kindness . I have had some information from a family member telling me they are looking for estrangement from me . This is heartbreaking at this time of grief . To lose your life partner is the worst thing imaginable and I am struggling immensely without my Baz . Now I might lose my son as well . How could he go this far - like you agreed not making eye contact is such a give away . Anyone experiencing a loss should be highly aware of the potential for life to suddenly get even worse than it is already . I try to live by my values of kindness and understanding, and I won’t change . I will always treat my son with kindness and understanding but I must admit to struggling with this with my DIL . I think once trust has been broken it’s difficult to come back from this . Until you have lost someone so important in your life , it’s easy to be flippant about death even to the point of pretending it doesn’t happen . Sadly death does happen and it causes devastation. It’s messy , unpredictable and heartbreaking and I can say that my life will never be the same . The loss of my person will be with me for ever . The shock I felt at the suddenness and unexpected nature of this will always shock me . It would be nice to have more support , but I suppose in grief , ultimately we are alone . That is just so sad
@Ladysuisei6 what’s the point of announcing they want to be estranged - if they don’t want contact with you, then don’t contact you
Announcing it is just for effect - very toxic
Probably better off distancing yourself for time being - it will come full circle eventually, that type of environment isn’t sustainable long term
@MemoriesOfUs yes yet another example of toxic behaviour that . My son keeps using it as a threat which I try not to react to . It’s gradually having a huge effect though . On top of grief . I’m annoyed that my precious memories of Baz are somehow being tainted by this episode. I want to think about him , but they don’t consider this .
I only speak and see him once a week at the moment, so to me that’s keeping my distance! One day I hope he reflects and is thoroughly ashamed of how his behaviour has affected me . With any other issue in life I’ve been able to cope , but losing my Baz has absolutely destroyed me . I sometimes can’t believe he’s gone it’s so horrific. The DIL’s mother is so unsympathetic- she actually said a less compassionate person would treat me even worse . That , I was shocked by because who knows what her future might hold ?
I have an update
One of my aunts reached out and believe it or not, she apologised.
I was quite taken a back as this is never something she would do.
She says she barely remembers the words she spoke, she did say, she would stand by the words as she knows she wouldn’t have lied? But when I told her what she had said, she did apologise
I was quite proud of myself for being so calm and not shouting or being irate at all.
When she started the conversation she was irrationally just non stop taking would many of let me get a word in if I’d tired.
The other aunt has still not spoken to me but Wel see. Perhaps aunt 1 will have a word?
But I did make it clear, I won’t be loosing any sleep over them. I said if we stay in touch or not is up to them.
I said I’d never fall out as they’re mums family but I won’t be in a rush to keep in touch if they wish to continue behaving in such a way.
Also told her I was upset by my aunt 2 how she went for us when her own husband had treated my mum so badly, and she didn’t nothing but actually a stood up for him? My mums was so upset. I said, ain’t 2 shouldn’t come at me who did all I could when she wouldn’t even tell her own husband how off when he was awful to her.
Aunt 1 actually agreed!
So I feel a little better that I’ve made some peace anyway.
For mums sake atleast x
@Margatitta you are very forgiving . I really wish my son and DIL would do the same . They are so harsh it’s unbelievable
We have discussed the remark which I made to them and caused hurt - apparently I’ll never be forgiven. It was a case of miscommunication not dealt with soon enough because they have hurt me plenty of times since then , only I’m prepared to forgive them . Unconditionally.
Thankfully your situation has been resolved somewhat which may help you with your grief . I hope so xxx
Don’t get me wrong, il keep them at arms length
Once bitten and all that. But I’m glad I got an apology
I think the world can be cruel so people and family should stick together and help
Especially at a time like this where we’ve all lost someone special. @memoriesofus
I hope they come round once baby is born. Some woman get crazy in pregnancy
(Not really an excuse tho) but perhaps once baby is here shel settle down?
It clearly is upsetting for you. And understandably so!!
I found while having this toxicity around me, focusing more on mum helped. I started a charity walk in her honour and so far raised £700
Maybe you could find something that honours your partners memory that makes you feel good doing? Like art work or a charity event? Focus on you and your love that still exists in you for him and from him. Love never goes away.
Maybe they will see you doing better and realise ? But ultimately it’s to make you feel like you’re making a new memory of him?
I really hope you get some peace soon
Xx
I’ve just been reading some of the messages and I’m having problems with my partner’s twin daughters from her first marriage I’ve always thought I had a good relationship with both of them
When Ann passed away they both came to see me the day after and the one daughter accused me of being a narcissist she said I was bullying her mum Ann was a heavy smoker and she had COPD she was advised by consultant’s to give up smoking or she would die all I did was try and keep her alive
Both daughters demanded that I hand over all my partner’s belongings the one daughter kept asking for her mum’s jewellery it’s been nearly ten weeks since Ann passed away and they have not stopped pestering me constantly sending texts and phoning me I just refuse to answer them
I didn’t think they could get any worse than they have but today I went to the crematorium to put some flowers on Ann’s resting place and the memorial plaque I had for her has been removed I’ve been assured that staff would not remove any plaques that had been placed on a resting place that had been placed there by the crematorium
I’m just wondering what else they are going to do I’ve had to deal with the grief and loneliness and anxiety since Ann passed away and I don’t have any friends or family to help me cope
@Boo2 was there a will and what did it say about her belongings
This seems to happen time and time again - you would expect everyone to pull together at a time like this, but the rule seems to be it creates divisions and cliques
Memoriesofus
Yes Ann did leave a will but the daughters are disputing it they can’t believe everything was left to me if I hadn’t seen this side of them they were welcome to have had anything that they wanted I’m just waiting to see what happens next
and abandon me completely. Selfish yes . I would never expect him to choose as she has done so this really hurts . I’m in deep grief following the sudden unexpected loss of my partner and this was over a year ago . I could do with some compassion. The hugging thing is bizarre . The nasty DIL banned Hugging for me after I became distressed and asked my son to hug me , he was reluctant ( which surprised me ) but his wife was there . She screamed at me something like “ leave him alone he is in charge of his own body autonomy “ (???!) . I don’t even know what this means .?Then he dissisted, and ever since won’t even hold my hand I’m so lonely . You are right , she’s dreadful but I had a lovely relationship with her before the pregnancy. I can’t cope with all this on top of my grief , now my mental illness has deteriorated so badly I’m becoming agoraphobic again. I’m in a mess and I really do need my son’s support and so does my 83 year old dad who needs help with practical things. We have been abandoned at a time of great need and I will never forget this betrayal of me 
I can see this is all very heartbreaking for you, it must feel like your loosing your son too. I think the son needs a shock to bring him back to reality, it’s not fair that he hurts you like this, visiting regularly says to me he loves you very much, & wants that mother son relationship, but to hang on, but keep you at a distance like this, just isn’t healthy. I can understand that as a mother you could never break completely from your son, & you really shouldn’t have to, but you need to look after yourself, are there any other friends or family that can help support you & your dad? The sad loss of your partner is so resent, I feel it might be a good idea to see what bereavement support is available in your area, if you’re son can’t be depended on, hopefully you can find the support you need elsewhere, it is of course up to you what you choose to do, & take each day at your own pace, & there are always people to talk to on this forum. Sending hugs of support.