How to deal with toxic family after a loved one passes

@Boo2 they sound like my partners mother!! He hadnt told his mother about me, for good reasons, now every time
I take flowers to his grave, she bins them :sob::sob::sob::sob: how callous people can be!!! I can’t work nasty people


@Ang5 I just don’t understand some people :disappointed:


Hi everyone,
@Boo2 my heart goes out to you at this distressing time, I don’t know how they can be so callous,
@Ang5 , for your partners mom to bin the flowers is so cruel, :pensive: just an idea, but maybe plant a tree or rose in memory of your partner in your garden, I know it’s not the same as visiting the grave, but it’s in your own space where she can’t touch it.
& remember, no-matter what other people do or say, they can’t take away the special memories you have of your partner, they will always be with you no-matter what.
Sending both of you hugs of support.


@Boo2 firstly I am very sorry you are having horrendous family issues following the loss of your wife . Secondly, my partner smoked and even though he died from an undiagnosed heart condition, I was constantly on at him to stop . This is because I loved him and still do very much . I wanted more time with him , as I know you did with Anne , so please just ignore any insults regarding controlling behaviour etc relating you your wife’s choice whether to smoke . This side of things has nothing to do with her daughters and I would have thought they might have wanted the same thing but were lossy too afraid to ask . It’s easy to blame you for tackling the very difficult subject of smoking isn’t it .

As far as your wife’s personal belongings go then I suppose you’re getting into an area that’s legal and might be covered if she left a will ? Otherwise you might be wise getting a bit of advice , maybe the solicitors who offer a free initial session if 20 or 30 minutes might point you in the correct direction.

Alternatively you might choose to do nothing about property . Your loss is very new and raw so don’t put yourself through anything too painful would be my advice . As regards the telephone harassment, the only thing I’d say is keep records just in case you need the information some time . If this unwanted contact becomes unbearable you might have to involve the police which I realise won’t be nice but a necessary evil ,
I do hope you take care xxx


dont feel too bad about smoking, i have smoked all my life and i know its not good but its not easy to give up and after a certain age it can be dangerous to give up, my dr has told me to do it gradually over a period of 2 yrs. as for the problems after someone has died with relatives, seems to be the norm, they dont bother when the person was alive but all come out of the woodwork when they die. seen it time and time again, dont mean this to be flipant but always reminds me of an episode of steptoe and son “oh wht a beautiful mourning”.
if it was me what i would do is move and change my number, sometimes its easier.


Hi all,
I agree with @SueF1 about moving, a new fresh start away from the toxic people, but at the same time, I feel it isn’t always that easy, sometimes after someone’s passed, there are so many memories of our loved ones in the house we live in, it would be like saying goodbye all over again, :pensive:. That said, in my case it feels like a necessity, I can’t keep tiptoeing around my dad & his behaviour, also my dad has changed his will saying the house MUST be sold when he passes, & leaving his will in my sister’s favour, including leaving her his 2/3 of the house, & she said nothing, originally when my sister & I had talked about it before he changed the will, she said what was important is that I had somewhere to live, & even said she would sign me the 1/3 she stood to inherit by the old will, but now dad’s changed it in her favour, & she’s clearly stabbed me in the back, choosing the money over what she’d said before about making sure I have a home, :rage::sob::woman_facepalming:t2:. If mom were alive this never would of happened. I know that when dad passes I can contest his will, but that gets into a whole other legal argument I can’t afford, I also know he can’t force me to sell the 1/3 I own, that’s my property, & my choice I feel this is all just another bullying tactic to make me move out, & to be totally honest, I’ve had enough! I’ve been trying to find a safe way of moving out for months, but because I own a 1/3 of this house there’s a lot I don’t qualify for, I’m basically left with private renting, which on benefits & a very tight budget zaps all my money. There’s a feeling of “I’ll have to move sooner or later”, hopefully I’ll figure something out this year, but I’ve decided, when I do, I’m changing my name by deed pole, I already have my new name picked out, so even if they do look for me, they won’t find me, I’m cutting all ties with them, I deserve better than the way they’ve treated me, & know my life would be better off without them. I know it’s going to hurt having to say goodbye to mom all over again, she passed away in this house, I’ve lived here for 28 years, so a loooot of memories, good & bad, but gladly I can take them with me, :heart:.


its bricks and mortar, your mum and memories you will take with you. changing your name is easy, there is an official and legal site online and if you pm me i will give you the link. i have done it before. you can get housing benefits, just got to find a place that will take it or have a word with council and see how the land lies there. i am council and have been here 28 yrs but would move tomorrow if i could find someone who wants my place. but i want to be selective and also i live 10ft from a pylon which for some reson people dont like although there is nothing wrong ith them

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Found a words of wisdom thing I wanted to share.

“Don’t worry about the people who talk about you behind your back, they are behind you for a reason”.


I’m so sorry for your situation. I have newly joined this community on the back of your experience with your Aunties.

I have suffered the exact same situation with bossy Aunties telling me and my siblings what to do from abroad. They upset all of us, during this difficult time, including my beloved Dad - their brother.

I blocked them, a month ago, when their messages became toxic. They knew they had upset us and didn’t come to Dad’s funeral - much to everyone’s relief.