Only one week for my grown up daughter and I am broken. We knew it was coming so I was in bits before her death. I have read so much about grieving, that we have to go through it to reach the other side but I’m so confused. When I think of her and her life I cry continually. If I then do other tasks for the day from brushing my teeth to food shopping, putting one foot in front of the other, I do it and stop crying. So then I’m not grieving? I want to think of happier things but then I feel awful for not crying.
I hope this makes sense and I know its different for everybody, but how do I grieve? x
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Hello @Louise311,
I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter that brings you here.
Your loss is so very recent, you’ll be feeling many different emotions right now. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, so please do try to be gentle with yourself 
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share these resources with you in the meantime.
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Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
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The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. They have a grief companion scheme where you can get 1-1 support from another bereaved parent. You can call them on 0345 123 2304.
Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Seaneen
Thank you for your reply and the info
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Hi @Louise311 , I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain, I lost my son 20 years ago but I joined this forum when I lost my wife in March this year, before coming onto the forum, like you I also read a lot, we all do it in search of answers and comfort, there is a lot written about loss, grieving, bereavement and how we are advised to deal with it, I also found it confusing as a lot of people on here do, often it seems that people who give “professional advice” have not experienced a loss as we have and you will find that people on here who do know what you are going through, who do “get it” generally agree that grief is the continuing love you have for that person, the fact you have lost someone does not mean you are going to stop loving them so grief will always be there so you will not even want to “get over it” or “get through it” or “get past it” you wouldn’t want to do that with your love!
Having lost someone that you love does bring unbearable pain and it is that pain we have to deal with, for me, I don’t think that you “get over it” but you will learn to cope with it, you will understand it better, you will not be able to put a time line on it, everyone is different and it is done at your own pace, the tears will be with you for a long long time, some days it will seem that you are coping well but then the next day you will feel you have gone backwards, it really is a roller coaster journey.
Your last question - how do I grieve? you are grieving, you always will, even when you experience a happier time you will still be grieving but learning how to cope not only with your loss but also your new life.
There are a lot of posts on this forum with a lot of help and advice from people who actually know what you are going through, people will listen and understand you, so do feel free to post whatever and whenever you feel the need to, you are not alone.
Take care, one little step at a time.
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Hi Swift
Thanks for your reply. It made sense to me especially ‘the professional’ advise, and I’m sorry you have had to go through this twice. I don’t want to “get over it” for sure as I think that’s not nice, I just want to properly grieve as, as I understand it, if one doesn’t, it will go on much longer and be more painful. I just want her back. Thank you Swift
Hi Louise, from my own experience and reading a lot, like you, trying to find the answers, I don’t know your situation other than losing your grown up daughter but I was probably in the best situation to deal with losing my son, I had my wife and my daughter so we were able to look after and console each other and that was so important, the rest of our families were not much help, the usual thing of not talking to you “because I don’t know what to say” I even had the situation where one of the family and their wife crossed the road rather than face us.
If you have a partner, other sons or daughters they will also be grieving but it may be different for them and I found you really have to try and understand how they are feeling even if it seems different to you, it can cause upset in the family if you don’t.
I don’t believe there is a proper way to grieve, certainly in the earlier days/weeks/months you do what you have to do and whatever helps you, it doesn’t matter what it is, I also don’t believe you can make it longer and more painful, it is what it is and it will take it’s course, I have found certain things don’t help, questioning every little bit about what has happened is natural but it can become obsessive, i found I was going over and over things in my mind, ruminating, I would have to pull myself up as it doesn’t help and it doesn’t change anything, these are just my personal feelings but I hope it may help you a little bit to start to cope.
Oh my goodness Swift, you hit many nails on the head there! Its just me I’m afraid. I was heartened to read that there isn’t a proper way to grieve, I’m in such a muddle sometimes and doing the best I can to get through the day and your questioning everything. I am doing that at the moment but you are right, it doesn’t alter a thing.
I was comforted after reading your message, and will probably come back to it more to remind myself. Thank you so much.
Hi Louise, doing the best you can is all you can do, grieving is horrendous you only have the grief because you love the person you are grieving for, I lost my wife in March this year and I struggle like hell, it breaks my heart to read of others on here, particularly people at the beginning of this journey, if I can help someone even a little bit gives me some comfort, if you have anything you want to ask do post it or if you prefer you can always pm me or anyone else, I certainly don’t mind.
somebody somewhere on here has probably experienced something close to what you are going through so always ask.
Take care.
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Hi Swift
You really helped me, thank you very much. March wasn’t that long ago so hope I helped you in a very small way. We are people on a journey we did not want and never imagined we would ever be.
Louise
I lost my beautiful daughter 12 weeks ago. I wish her back to us every minute of everyday. Even pleading to her photo to come back while crying my heart out.
Also, I feel guilty that I didn’t help more, again pleading to her photo to forgive me. She had severe PTSD and bad anxiety. I could have done more to understand it all, but she didn’t seem worried, she would always give a very brief answer as to what the mental health team were doing to help her and now I realise she was trying to mask it from herself. I feel guilty because I didn’t ask more questions about her illness. She must have been struggling but we did not see the signs. Some days the guilt is very intense and along with missing her I don’t stop crying 
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Hi Beautiful, some of your message I could write. My
daughter had PTSD from her first cancer and she hid it from all of us for her second. I feel guilt too and cry an awful lot and then I get cross with her, why didn’t she say something. It was too late when I asked her to speak to a counselor or someone who could have helped her, so my emotions are all over the place. Today I just keep thinking of her with no pain, physical or mental, she’s in a better place than I am. x
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Thank you Louise, I’m so sorry about your daughter . It’s not easy whichever way we lose our child. I am so cross with myself I can’t even blame the violent partner she kept going back to who could have helped her that fateful night when she was having a severe panic attack and tried to stop it with too many prescription tablets.
Our daughter was at crisis point, but when I asked what help she would get she answered so casually, and said no more. She wanted me to know but never wanted to discuss it. Now I see that a lot of her temper was maybe down to PTSD.
Everyone tries telling me that I’m not to blame but I can’t help feeling it. I am trying to think that she is in a better place but I just can’t. I’m heartbroken.
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Beautiful
I know, I know. It’s so hard. All day I have kept telling myself my daughter in a better place, so why doesn’t my mind know and continue to tell me I should have done more. I suspect we will go through this a lot more times before we make sense of the senseless. Keep on keeping on is all we can do. Big hugs x
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We have made it through each day since our worst day ever. One day at a time is all we can do. We will always carry them with us. People tell me the memories will help! How? When it’s not memories I want, it’s my beautiful Caren I want in my arms to tell her everything will be ok.
Let’s do this Louise, we can move on together day by day with everyone else that realise what it’s like. Sending you loads of hugs. 
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So sorry to hear about your daughter, I lost my son 6 months ago. I have no advice, I have no idea how to grieve. People say to me Im doing well. I want to shout “what the …does that even mean?”
I think all you can do is experience whatever you are feeling and remember your daughter. I remember my son would not want me to be broken so I pin on a smile and keep going.
Its a tough road, be kind to yourself x
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Hi thank you abl. I am sorry to hear about your son, it’s awful isn’t it I am trying to get therapy, it’s only been 13 weeks and we will be saying our final farewell with her ashes this sat which is going to be so difficult.
I have shouted, thrown stuff, cried inconsolably, felt guilty, really guilty, looking at her photos upset me because it’s heartbreaking seeing her in photos when it’s my daughter I want.
I try talking to her, yesterday, this might sound weird to many people but I put the song My Girl on, which Caren knew was my song to her. I closed my eyes and danced, pretending she was in my arms, I cried right the way through. So people deal with it in all different ways, even out of the norm ways and since losing my daughter I don’t care what people say.
Our child has been taken away from us we didn’t have a say in that so yes we grieve the way we need to. People don’t see what we are really feeling, do they!
Sending loads of hugs to you. X
Thank you x
Thank you abl, so sorry you are going through this too. I cant even look at photos yet, it will be a long, long time before I can. I saw a butterfly in the garden just as I found a white feather, so to me she is here with me. Peace for us all. x
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Hi Louise311
I lost my daughter August ‘23, she was 21,
it was her third cancer diagnosis, she had her first cancer 13 years previously. I can’t think of her being anywhere but here with me.
I know my loss is still very recent and the wounds I feel are as raw and angry as the day she left but the face I present is very different.
I still cry every day but I hide it more. I’m scared my tears and sorrow will chase away the only 2 people I have left in my life.
For me there is no family, no friends,
I don’t have ‘wonderful’ people around me, neighbours avoid me, friends no longer call and the little family I have disappeared. Thankfully, through reading the experiences of others on this site, I know this is common, so it’s not a me problem. I also know the pain never leaves, when I read the sad words of parents who lost their child 20years ago I take comfort, I know I won’t ever move on.
People talk of the 5 stages of grief but I don’t think losing a child (no matter the age or circumstance) is comparable, for me there is only denial and anger. It is the denial that allows me to breathe because acceptance would draw my last breath and the anger forces my heart to beat.
There are so many aspects to grief that I was not prepared for, the physical as well as the mental. There isn’t any semblance of my former life, or me, that is left intact.
Each day I find a new way to grieve and I think “this is the worst” only to discover a new “worst” an hour later. Like you, I can’t look at photos or listen to her music or watch her TV shows or read her words. I still have her chocolate milk in the fridge, her toothbrush next to mine, all the trappings of her life so it’s all there for when she walks
back into my world…
No one can ever tell you how to feel or how to grieve, just know there is no right or wrong way and allow yourself to do it. You are going through the most traumatic event a person can endure and most people in the world will never experience pain like it. Do what is right for you.
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Hi Mobe
Thank you for your words and so sorry you are in the same boat. Cancer is the worst thing ever, ‘they’ say we are winning. We are not.
I thought I would be better today, I have tried to do a list of things that will keep me busy, I’ve failed again. There are so many things that I want to talk to her about from politics to “Married at First Sight”, we would get to mad at one and laugh about the other and all the others in between in equal measure. There is radio silence. I miss her so much.
Anyway rambling on, Biggest hugs to all of us x