I’m having a bad day today , waiting for the meltdown to start, it seems like a lot of you are having a similar bad day .
Ive just received a message from a lovely friend which basically says she’s thinking about me , hope I have a good day .
It’s horrible to say , but that really stung . I want to respond to her and try and explain that wording in a time like this matters . I don’t want to hurt her , cos she’d be devastated that she’s upset me . I’m only 3.5 months in , so how can I be having anything remotely like a good day ?!
Has anyone got any suggestions on how I can respond to her without hurting her feelings . My first reaction was to just either ignore it ( I’ve never ignored one of her messages ) and or just say thanks . But that doesn’t feel right either .
Any suggestions appreciated .
Sorry for the rant , but it got my heart rate up and I’m close to tears again now.
Aw i hear you @JanetteR1 and can totally understand how you feel, and its not horrible to say it stung, because that is what it did. I dont want to grief hijack here, but i had 2 similar messages today and just replied, thanks for thinking of me but today has been really difficult for me and i feel terrible, not saying you have to say that, but you say what you feel is right, or nothing at all if that feels right too. Ps dont apologise for sharing how you are feeling x hope this helped a bit x
Hi Janette, sorry to hear you’re having a bad day today. It’s six months tomorrow since my wife died and it’s still just bad days and worse days - or more accurately bad and worse times on the same day.
Like Shabelabob, I’ve settled into being honest with people about how I’m feeling and, without exception everyone has been understanding about it.
About two weeks after my wife died one of my neighbours asked “How are you?” I still remember looking at her oddly and just replying “Totally shit unsurprisingly.” She looked suitably embarrassed, apologised and we had a real good talk which helped me immensely.
I thought it was such a stupid question but, later that same day, I saw my youngest son and realised I’d just asked him the same thing!!
It made me feel really bad for snapping at my neighbour, I had been really thoughtless but I know it came from a place of caring - I just don’t have the right words sometimes. And, if I recognise that in my own behaviour I know I have to try and accept it in others.
@JanetteR1 I am further on at 15 months since I suddenly lost my husband way too soon. I chat to a lady with the same timeline as me , we now describe our days as beige , in the early days black, now beige certainly not colourful!
Now and again I do get a “good” day but certainly not 3 and a half months later,
I would respond with “Thank you for your message , I am a long way off experiencing a “good day” and at best I can hope for a “better” day x
@BlueCanary I get your reply to your neighbour , I am further down his S*** road 15 months since I suddenly lost my husband. Yesterday in work at a large coaching hotel I work as front of house , I had a guest ask me where the nearest Baptist church was as he thanks Jesus for keeping him alive after a brain tumour ! I found myself saying “lucky you, my husband died and I became a widow age 56, “ I know very unprofessional of me! He then said to me where is your faith as he pulled out the cross from around his neck, I said I don’t have any as I pulled my husbands wedding ring out from my neck with a silver heart with my husbands hand writing on it ! So 15 months on and I can still snap !
I’m much the same as you , bad days and worse days where I’m just wailing all day .
I decided at an early stage that I can’t not be honest , it’s pointless smiling and saying I’m fine , when I’m obviously not . It also just backs up the way society handles grief . Like it’s something you get over in a few months .
My friends are mostly in their early 60’s and non of them have been through this and are happily married , so don’t understand really . They do try, and most are now getting it , but they can’t really comprehend the pain until they experience it themselves .
The ‘now are you ?’ thing is just an automatic greeting isn’t it ? not meant to harm , but not helpful in our situation . . Ive also been known to respond to that question with “I’m shit thanks “. Most of my friends now just say , I’m checking in on you .
Hope tomorrow isn’t too horrendous for you . I’ll be thinking of you .
Hello Janette,
It seems, one way or another, we’re all having a bad day, which is actually the norm.
Every day is bad without our special person with us.
People can be so unthinking, insensitive and cruel to our situation and feelings.
To be honest, it doesn’t sound that your friend put much thought into what she said to you.
The truth of the matter is, people simply do not care enough… and often not at all.
She should be the one who’s not wanting to upset you, not the other way around.
I have had similar comments, and much worse too.
People just don’t understand, or want ro understand.
Remember, their lives remain completely unaffected by our loss and tragedy.
It makes me feel even more lonely and disconnected from the world than I do already, if that is even possible.
It’s been just 3 weeks today, since the love of my life passed away with cancer, age 58.
A work colleague texted me last week to say…
• she hopes that I have had time to digest everything that has happened, and that I am coming to terms with it •
That message was sent to me 2 weeks after my darling soulmate of 20 years passed away.
Tell me… who needs enemies, with ‘friends’ like that?
I am slowly realising that I need to manage my expectations of people, (basically not to have any expectations), in order for me not to be deeply hurt and disappointed by them.
Sadly, the one person who loved and adored me, protected and cared for me, and always acted in my best interests, making me their no.1 priority in life, is no longer here.
And this is what I am left with!
This life is so unfair and unjust, and the world is a cold place.
I miss my darling soulmate desperately and I always will. He was one in a million.
I’m really sorry for how you were made to feel, but I totally understand.
Sadly, we’re on our own in this, but have the kind and understanding support of each other on this forum.
Take care Janette xx
No I need to be honest about how that made me feel . Strangely her mum also messaged me today too and just said sending hugs . She’s a widow , so prob knows better .
I can t believe the text from your colleague ! What an horrendous thing to say … coming to terms with it after 2 weeks ! Jesus - did you respond to her ?
This particular friend is a very caring person at heart , she just doesn’t know how to react . It was one of those meme things , so the wording wasn’t hers really . Her mum is better at communicating with me than she is at the moment . Her mum is a widow and lost her husband 9 years ago now , but also lost her twin brother shortly after, so she understands the pain .
You’re right when you say we are alone in this , my friends although very supportive , can’t carry the load for me, or even truly understand the load . Everyone’s grief is different and unique .
Hi Janette,
It took me a few days to “digest” her heartless message to me, but I did respond several days later.
I explained that such a tragic and life-changing loss is not something that can be “digested” or “got over”. I continued to explain that my darling Michael was my world and that I am completely heartbroken and lost without him.
She replied “oh dear, I have no words Eve”
People are idiots, but then again, she still has her husband!
Sending you lots of love and strength,
Eve xx
@HeartofGold omg i had to read that twice! I could not believe it! I am glad you sent the response you did. Yes people are idiots at times youre right, one of reasons i am pushing back going back to the office too soon, i dont know how will react when i get the hope youre feeling better, times a healer jargon! Xx
If it helps I am sitting with my wife who is dying slowly but we now are convinced tonight or tomorrow. In the past I would have responded “ not great but thank you for thinking of us” in the past two weeks I come clean and say we are devastated with sadness but thank you for taking the time to think about us.
This was one area I wasn’t prepared for, thoughtless remarks or no words at all. The first year, it was horribly hurtful. Now, in the second year, I can ignore it much more readily and understand people can be idiots.