My husband died 3 years ago. We have no children. We did everything together and were sole mates. He was only 58.
For 3 years I have excessively been going out to meet people. I’ve changed my job to a face to face one, I’ve joined coffee groups, walking clubs, exercise classes and pub card games. I still feel alone, even in a room full of people.
I’m now balancing time at home with going out and I do have several local friends and a good sister in law but I don’t like how lonely and isolated I feel. I have been on holidays with friends but it’s not the same company as with hubby.
I miss having my hubby to share ideas, do things with even if it’s just decorating, make a nice meal for or have a meal made for me, or just a cuddle and tell you not to be silly when you feel low. I recently had an operation and had no one that could pop in and make me a meal to tempt me back to health. I was in bed for 4 days and friends text but no visits or help… I feel guilty for wanting someone to look after me and that I can look after too and enjoy things with. Am I being too selfish!!
I was so lucky to have a great soulmate in my life for 35 years, but I don’t know how to be an adult without him. We met when I was 16. Am I being greedy wanting that again? Then I think that nothing would be as good, so I should be grateful and get use to life on my own. I still miss and love him so much. Can you ever move on and live life again rather than drifting through, almost numb? How do you get the joy back into living?
I read your post with interest as i think it’s common to feel the way you do. Although 18 months for me at the end of the month, i often think of the next steps.
There’s nothing selfish about this journey, we all have to do what we can and finding a way forward is important.
I potentially have 30/40 years left to live if i make it to old age. The thought of being alone is hard to deal with but so is the thought of being with someone else. Will i always be comparing, will i be wishing it was my partner? I feel that it would be unfair on someone but then again i won’t know until i try.
Ultimately i want to be happy and content with my life, however that looks. Whether that’s on my own or whatever. I now don’t think too far ahead, i live for today as that is all that’s guaranteed.
I haven’t been able to control my life so far, so doubt i can control my future. It will be what it is and i will tackle things as they come.
Life is lonely. Despite having children, family and friends. I feel alone every day, I’d feel alone in a room with a million people because my man isn’t in the room. That’s the price of loving him so i just take life a day at a time because today is all i want for now.
I completely relate to all you are saying here.
I’m sorry you still feel so lonely but I think as time goes on I will Also feel this way.
What I hope is that I can eventually be at peace and adapt to a new life for myself, and maybe find something that brings me some joy in the possible decades I have still
to live.
I hope you also find this in time - you sound like you have come a long way in your grief journey- but we all wish it was a road we didn’t have to travel.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom xx
I don’t know what the answer is but the fact that you want to find some joy in your life is surely a positive thing.
We can’t turn time back sadly, but trying to build a new life for ourselves is maybe the hardest task we will ever have to do.
Keep trying and hopefully one day it will start to get easier for you. Xx
Good point about I won’t know until I try. On this life we none of wished for, you just have to get used to the cards you are dealt and carry on making the best hand you can out of them. I can work on getting the confidence to try and after that what will be will be, but at least I will know I tried….
@Ali29
I haven’t been able to control my life so far, so doubt i can control my future.
That is so true.
My daughter (21) said to me recently, “I wonder what will happen next”. Whatever we do, it really is out of our hands.
In a way I’m quite looking forward to it. Nothing can possibly be worse than this?
Gosh you sound like me im 18 months into this ! Its bloody awful isnt it ? Theres nothing good about it ! I know what you mean - so hard doing everything by yourself ! I hate it. Miss it all ! No youre not being greedy wanting that again ! I want that again too - im not good by myself ! i got good friends … but i would like to share my life again with someone. And btw its not a matter of it being as good - it will just be different . xxx
Yes, you can. I did, five years after I lost my wonderful first husband.
I met Jeremy through friends. We were both widowed and neither of us expected to find love again, but a friendship developed into love, we eventually got married and, having both known devastating grief, we were so grateful to find joy in our lives. We never took it for granted and were so thankful for each other. Sadly it didn’t last long enough and Jeremy died 25 days ago. Ironically his cause of death was the same as my first husband - sudden cardiac arrest.
So, no happy ending, but yes, you can find love and joy again, even when you are not expecting to.
Xx
I’ve tried grief counselling a few months after hubby died and that helped. I think now I need to get better at resilience as I am not great with change. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone about not wanting to be alone and it’s ok to want a partnership again.
No worries ! Its not is it ? People do get married again or have a partner …we’re not doing anything wrong and i dunno why people act as if we are ! However i still wish my husband was here ! I miss him so much … but like a lady said to me once at beginning of this journey … if you meet someone else they will help you with your grief. Good point. We will never forget our husbands though - theyre in our heart. Xxx
@Deb5 Some have the view that by getting a new partner they are ‘cheating’ on their wife/husband or believe they could never love another. We all want our partners back and it really depends upon on how each person copes with being on their own. I believe we all deserve some happiness, though I myself are a long way from being in the right frame of mind to consider it. At times though, the loneliness is over whelming.
Yes i know some people do think that but i think thats rubbish ! I had the conversation with my husband before he passed and so i dont feel worried about it ! Were not nuns are we and if you want it and youre ready then its up to each individual what they do !! I know one thing - he would want me to be happy … however that is … X
I’ve just come across this post, I haven’t any experience with finding love again but wanted to share my perspective with you.
The main thing is to do what sits right with you. We were not put on this earth to live a life of misery (not saying you need a partner to not be miserable) we all have our ideal situation, some ideally would like to share their life with a significant other. Having your person by your side is truly special, sharing love, sharing life and sharing all the ups and downs.
All of us here had found out soulmate/life partners and thought they were are “forever” but unfortunately we have had our future robbed and have been left in a situation that none of us choose to be in.
If you want to share your life with someone again, then I think you should go for it. Whatever happens next will never take away the love you shared with your husband. Your memories and love will always be with you, nothing can change that. Our hearts are huge and we are capable of lovely many in our life time. Life is for the living, we shouldn’t feel loyal to the ones we have lost as it will just torture us. If we are lucky enough to meet another love, then that should be embraced, we should love openly and enjoy the togetherness that you only truly have with a partner.
I do think that they’ll be many different mixed emotions to navigate, if you do find a new love interest. I think it’ll be hard to not compare and at times I’m sure they’ll be feelings of guilt.
I lost my favourite person in the whole world on the 15th April, so am early on in my grief. However I don’t want to rule out another love as I’m 37 and I really don’t want to not have he experiences that comes along with love for the rest of my life.
Your next love will be special, magical, fulfilling but different, not the same but different.
You are definitely not greedy and yes you can live again that’s a choice we make for ourselves
I get that ! I am 56 lost my hubby 15/4/24 we had been together for 24 years but only married for 17 months after we “eloped to Gretna Green , Nick was my third husband the first only 4 years and a womaniser I was very young , and the second and alcohol “gay” wife beater ! I lived to tell the tale ! That’s why I know so much that Nick was the perfect man for me my soulmate , so I really do not want anyone else but I also don’t want decades on my! Own ! But I guess it f I can’t have him well then it is no one then
Well i was only married once to the same man so i don’t see why i should be "punished " for that. I would like to meet a nice man because i miss having a man around so nothing wrong with that !! I dont want to have “friends” for rest of my life ! I want a special person again …Thats just how i feel but each to their own ! But i didnt feel like that at beginning just like you … you are such early days you know. Things change. You will change and your life will change too …
@Katyh
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am sorry that you are in this “club” at such a young age.
I am thinking that I do want to try and find another partner but I’m not confident enough just yet to try full on dating. Still trying to put myself in situations where I could meet someone in the usual run of life. It’s good to receive advice on not feeling guilty and that different can be good. I still get low days where all I want to do is stay in bed but I’m learning to accept a low day is ok and tomorrow will be better and so I am getting more ok days than hopeless; so we do learn to gradually open up to living a bit, even though it is not a path we would choose.
Hugs to everyone going through this horrible journey of grief but I keep reminding myself it is only because I have been lucky enough to have been loved that I am where I am now!
