It will be 6 months on the 17th of December since I lost my beautiful husband and 3 years on the 22nd December that we lost his brother 
my heart aches 
1 Like
Do you still think heâs there but when you turn round you realise heâs not there any more 
1 Like
Yes and no. I say I have seen Richard once. I saw him go from the living room into the kitchen and that was about four days after his death, Yet only this morning, after Iâd taken the bins out and come back in, I thought he was outside the front door. I knew it wasnât possible. When I see the birds in the garden I feel it is his spirit.
Jan x
1 Like
All i want to do is be home with my mum for christmas with mt daughter we live over 200 miles away i dont drive and my flight has got cancelled I cant cope staying here for christmas so just waiting to see what Bozza has to say next but what will be will be x
1 Like
@Fg15. It is so hard not being able to be with our families this Christmas, which for most of us is our first without our loved one. All we want is the support and comfort from those we love but Covid has stopped that. We canât control Covid so we must all try and cope without what we long for. Hopefully this horrible virus will be over soon and we can learn to cope without our loved ones. It will be hard but we have no choice. This group has to be our lifeline as it has for me.
Sending hugs Shona x
Aw Peter.I so feel for you and had you lived closer I would have welcomed you for Christmas dinner.I too miss my Ron so much and am dreading Christmas. We will light the candle at 7PM on Christmas Eve and think of each other on this forum.You are NOT ALONE.
1 Like
Every day xxxđ
1 Like
Dear Peter
Maybe think what you can do differently this Christmas. Can you go to a friendâs? Do you have any family. You can go and just stay as long as you want or at just like that you may decide not to go
One thing is for certain your wife wouldnât be pleased at all if you were alone on Christmas Day ! She you ge saying to you âPeter, you silly old fool donât stay alone at Christmas â As I know Jack will say to me âCâmom woman organise something for Christmas â
Jack died 2 years ago and Christmas is not the same without him but then even a walk is not the same - but âŠ
sending you love
Sadie x
1 Like
Thank you all. An accident in the garden has damaged my right leg badly, I can only shuffle around my home on a zimmer frame now and am in constant pain. I am at the end of my tether. Total despair.
Bless you all, Peter
2 Likes
Dear Peter,
Iâm so sorry to hear about your accident. You probably donât want to see a message asking you to stay strong. Despair is the opposite of hope and hope was the one thing that remained in the bottom of Pandoraâs box or jar or whatever she had. Itâs always there. I can only ask you to have hope and try and be aware that your physical pain may go away and that the walking may improve. None of us likes uncertainty. Iâm not looking forward to Christmas, although I have virtual things planned. The pain of writing cards and an enclosing letter is very real but must be done. I comfort myself that it is better that I am the one that is left as Richard would not have coped without me. He would not want me to be unhappy or to see me cry every day. Least of all would he want me to lose hope.
Jan X
1 Like
Dear Peter
Can you reach out to your friends and ask for help?
S x
1 Like
Hi Jean I have still put my husbands name on Xmas cards. It will be hard for you but I will get in touch with you on Xmas day you wonât be alone he will be close by I aim sure. Itâs 6 months since my husband died but feel stronger and you will be by the end of spring. Take a day at a time there is a lot of groups you can talk too and they are very understanding. I will be thinking about you stay strong love Florence xxxxxx
1 Like
Hi Jean2 - know that you are not alone in how you feel. I have avoided decorations at home, and trying to avoid all things festival. My friends are avoiding the reference to Christmas. Day by day has beco.e my new motto âŠonly way I get by 
4 Likes
I can relate to a lot of the posts on this page. I lost my wife in August and she loved Christmas. She would have put the tree up by now and be planning which tv programmes to watch. I will be with my daughter and son in law for Christmas so none of us are alone. I ve put up a few lights because we both loved lights, not much, I donât seem to have any enthusiasm for it, it just is not the same without her. I think I have shed tears every day since 15th August. She was wonderful and I miss her. In a way I will be glad when Christmas is over, I get so fed up with the happy voices on tv and cheesy adverts. The offswitch is used a lot. Thankfully I have telephone counselling each week and read this forum. The posts are often sad but very helpful because people have udeas to help. I thank you all for that.
4 Likes
Dear Malc39200,
I read your post tonight â let me start off by saying I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I have gone thru too. I lost my wife on November 19, 2019. She collapsed of a sudden heart attack and may have died instantly. I had no idea she was that ill, it just happened liked that. My life has changed a great deal since then - in other words, my life will never be the same now. So I come to this site, because I have not known anyone including my own family who can relate to my situation. I come her looking for either friends or support (as honest as I ca be). I just wanted to say hello and yo assure you that there are some of us who understand your loss â I am one of them. I know that losing a lovely wife for a man can be as devastating as any man can experiencing. I can be a friend or an ally - your choice. I am sorry to hear of your loss, I hope all will be better for you as time goes on. If I can be of any help,
Herb (aka greencat)
2 Likes
Hello Shelley74, I am very sorry for your loss. By joining us here you will have found that you a far from being alone in enduring the awful pain of being parted from a loved one. Like you, I have banned Christmas from my home as far as I can. Flora, my beagle, will miss the turkey though!
My first Christmas without my wife is already proving to be absolute hell. I dread the post arriving, some cards are addressed just to me but many are addressed to Mr. and Mrs. both upset me a equally.
Gill used to love Christmas and her pleasure was infectious but this year I am trying to ignore it but it is so difficult. Do the tears ever end?
A hug to you Shelley. Peter
3 Likes
I am 9 weeks in from my hubby passing. I suppose I am coping or am I ?
I got so upset as all Christmas lights going up in the street in the middle of November, then as going into December my house looked so empty in the middle of them all so upsetting again. I have put a Garland up over the fire place and a vase of holly and Laurel âŠa voice telling me not to be so bloody miserable, he so liked Christmas.
No cards have been sent only 7, family and close friends.
I think a lot of cards wonât be sent this year due to the virus.
My daughter is having her mother in law and brother in law for Christmas meal, they donât like dogs so I canât take my dog Charlie. She said she is only having a two or three hour meal slot then they want to be on their own, so it wouldnât be worth going. How can anyone sent you home to an empty house??
Charlie is grieving too, so we are stopping at home together or we were, a dog walking friend who is on her own I have invited her to join us. So we will walk the dogs and have the day together.
Itâs going to be a hard day. I feel numb and I hope I keep the crying under control.
Love the idea of the candle on Christmas Eve, a lovely idea.
3 Likes
Thank you for that. I am sorry for your loss too.
Itâs so sad for everyone, I think of the 65,000 COVID deaths and the people they have left behind.
You think you are on your own but so many people having to go through grief, trauma and sadness, then the Christmas Festivities.
We will all get through it slowly, they wouldnât want you not to live againâŠbut not just yetâŠ
1 Like
Dear Malc,
I came to this site after losing my beloved husband 6 months ago. In February weâd have been together for 60 years, the whole of my adult life and without him I am not complete.
I have received support from my G.P., who wanted to put me on antidepressants but when I refused them, referred me to mental health counselling. My county borough has also helped me with counselling and with more practical aspects of my life such as shopping and even visiting me to help me gain confidence to go outside the house.
It IS hell, the nearest we can come to it in this life and the hours, sometimes days, of suffocating tears, not of self pity but of sheer aching loneliness, seem unbearable and yet we ARE bearing all of it.
My husband was my world. We have no children and other family members live too far away to visit. In any case, although seeing other people is pleasant and good for us, it is so stressful as we make an effort to maintain a cheerful demeanour. I am glad to see occasional visitors but glad when they leave.
People say that COVID is making it worse. I donât think so. When lockdown ends and everyone else returns to normal, we shall still have to endure our changed world, made even worse if possible by seeing people meeting again, resuming former activities, especially couples.
Iâm not so sick of the Christmas films and advertisements as they are easily avoided but I want to scream at friends and relatives bemoaning the fact that Christmas wonât be the same. For them there will be very little difference. They will have their families round them, decorating, enjoying their usual meals and playing all their usual games. I even tell them to be grateful that they have each other and to treasure each moment. We always did and always told ourselves when counting our blessings, that as long as we were together, nothing else mattered. Now, alone, nothing else matters.
I had decided against Christmas - just another day alone like the rest but then looked at Davidâs photos and knew that to try my best to put up lights and decorations would honour him just as it honours the name of Jesus. We have always done our best to celebrate the season and have always loved it - church on Christmas morning, home to lunch and then opening a few presents (we didnât do much about presents as they were not important) before the Queenâs speech and then an indulgent afternoon. We watched television, played board games, ate chocolate and foraged in the kitchen making sandwiches and salad later in the evening.
David played the flute and I the piano and we both sang so we had the leisure, over the Christmas season, to indulge our love of music, leaving all except essential chores until Epiphany. After all, dusting isnât possible when every surface is decorated.
This post is very different from some I made a month or two ago when everything was so raw and I was emerging from the numbing anaesthetic of shock. The reality was searing and the pain agonising. I wanted to die.
I had a sudden revelation when screaming at God for allowing this hideous situation. I suddenly understood that I was bearing this pain so that my beloved would not. I would have died in his place but had been given something more valuable. My gift to my soulmate is to live in his place. He was handsome, fit, strong, loved life and was full of plans, even entered for a fell race the week after his death. Of course all events were cancelled but that was his level of fitness.
Yes, the ache of longing to hear his voice, see his beautiful smile, feel his great, warm hugs and to be whirling round the dance floor in a Viennese waltz or mastering the intricacies of latin rhythms and moves, will probably never go away. I can count my blessings and manage the daily tasks, which demand every bit of my time and energy. I feel weary with loss but I can also tell you there are days when I feel calm and strong.
I donât drive but have taxed and insured the car in my name, had it M.O.T.d and serviced. I have had the boiler serviced and dealt with some almost catastrophic plumbing emergencies. I have had the roof repaired and put in hand some other odd jobs that David would have polished off before breakfast. He could do anything and do it all very well, including his masterpiece of a garden, now a sad wreck after a Summer of perfect growing weather and no restraining hand.
I hate going to bed alone knowing I must wake to another solitary day, waking to silence and the struggle to do alone all that was normally shared. Hating it, I tell myself, repeatedly, âYou are doing this for David. It is your gift to him. Do it with a smile and thankful heart for the years of cherishing love.â It helps. I become calm again and the energy to carry on returns.
Going through some of his things, I have come across a love letter he was writing to me, reminiscing about our meeting, our wedding day and his continuing love for me. In the same folder was a little story I wrote for him, just at this time of year, many Christmases ago. It was a love story based on the two of us and describing the winter afternoon of a couple writing Christmas cards together.
Be prepared for the little things that trigger engulfing tears of sorrow and loneliness, even when you think the corner has been turned but seize upon every chance to smile and to be thankful. If there is nothing of gratitude for the present, just be glad of the years you had.
Donât torture yourself with, "If only ⊠" and âI wish I had âŠâ or âWhy wasnât I more âŠâ. None of this helps. It changes nothing except our own mood, making it darker than it already is. Enjoy the scent of a candle, the taste of a chocolate, a mince pie etc., without prefacing it with, âThis time last year.â Raise a glass to your beloved and say, âThank you for the years. Are you proud of me for carrying on?â
All this positivity is terribly hard for someone of my temperament. I have always been a pessimist but the worst thing imaginable has now happened. I have survived for a reason and now doing the best I can to make some sense of it and to continue.
This site has helped me enormously, helping me to realise that there are others who understand and that I am not going mad or grieving for too long. Nearly sixty years of love cannot be brushed aside in six months. The rest of the world has moved on but we are still floundering in a mire of bewildering uncertainty, anguish and carrying the oppressive burden of being alone. Cry if you need to, as often as you need, even if someone else is there. If they are embarrassed, thatâs their problem. If they love you they will understand and want to ease your pain. If they donât, it doesnât matter what they think anyway.
Let us cope at Christmas by remembering, crying for what we have lost, being thankful for what we have had and lighting our candles to our loved ones and to one another. Let us pray for each other and be glad to be able to share in this way.
God bless all of us.
11 Likes