Hi Trisha -What a lovely post -the build up to Christmas is probably more stressful than the day–will try not to think too far ahead cause worrying doesn’t help and yes we feel the same loss every day --thanks for sharing your thoughts x
1 Like
I echoe very word written here. This is our last gift to them because our love was, and is so strong. I cant’ imagine leaving Mike to suffer as I am doing now. He too was known for his beautiful calm smile and his love of life and of our life together. I try to go on as he would want me to and to be kind to others as he always was, but it is so raw at the moment. We promised we would always be a ‘two’ and we still are. Love to all that are here in the same situation.
1 Like
Hi TrishF. I am sorry for your loss. My counsellor said exactly the same to me. “You will not miss Bill anymore on Christmas Day than you do any other day and you will find the build up to the day worse than the actual day” She told me to live for each day and not look ahead too much. I will try and I know it will help but it will be hard. I also think that not being able to plan what we will be doing at Christmas doesn’t help. I am a planner and this year that has been taken away from us and it is so frustrating.
@Prof you are right. We are only in pain because we loved so much and we have to live with that as a reminder of our love. You always put things so eloquently. Sending love and hugs to all on here who are suffering just now. Xx
3 Likes
Thank you to all of you dear people on this site, sharing your sorrow and offering whatever small comforts you have been able to find in your wilderness of pain.
I believe we are helping ourselves as well as one another as we voice our fears and sadness. Someone will express exactly our thoughts before we realise we are thinking them. Confronting them in this way starts us on the path to managing them.
All my adult life almost, my identity has been as a wife, David’s wife and I hate it when envelopes come addressed to me instead of to Mr. and Mrs. I hate that David’s name has had to be removed from our accounts at banks, utility and insurance companies. For nearly 60 years we were as one and now I know I am not a whole person in my own right. It has been too long and I shall not live long enough now to establish a new identity.
Jean 2, I am so pleased to see you return to the site because I have been worried about you and saddened to think that you were missing the comfort and advice poured out on this forum.
However we all scrape through Christmas, alone or with others, we can support each other in spirit. In our hearts we shall know there are others who feel as we do, even when those closest to us cannot possibly imagine our desolation.
I am lighting my candle for David and for all of you, twice. The first time will be on Christmas Eve at 7 p.m. as that is the time already chosen. The second will be immediately after the Queen’s speech on Christmas afternoon. I shall pray for you all and the candles will remain burning until bedtime on both days.
Trying to count my blessings helps but I know that the greatest that was ever given to me was David’s love and devotion. Because I am a Christian, I am aware that I was breaking (probably still am) the first commandment every day. I have always put David first - not making an idol of him, just that he filled my thoughts and my life. I sometimes feel that his death is my punishment for not putting God first in everything but, intellectually, I don’t believe that.
I can tell that many of you on this site have a strong faith, whatever denomination it may be and I trust that you are helped by your own prayers and by those prayed on your behalf. God bless all of us.
3 Likes
Oh my goodness, what a truly wonderful post. Thank you Prof. You have put into words that which I was struggling with:
‘my last gift to him. I am suffering this so that he will never have to. He will never have to wake up in a silent, empty house. He will never have to endure days without meaning and long evenings in solitary, aching sorrow. I would have died, gladly, in his place because he was so active and had so many plans, so much he wanted to do. Instead, I have been given something even greater than the chance to die for him. It is my task to live for him, to suffer instead of him. When I think of his anguish had I gone first, it helps me to accept the wrenching, twisting feeling and the painful sobs.’
Perfect words, just perfect. It’s how I feel. I will go on living for my man and I will make him proud. I feel his love surrounding me everyday, urging me on. 
4 Likes
I’m not sure to whom to reply here but Prof you are right. My beloved Richard would never have managed on his own without me. He really wasn’t very practical and as his Parkinson’s progressed he could do less and less. He has been spared the later stages of the disease which he would have hated and I have been spared seeing him. I miss his beautiful speaking voice and his intellectual conversation and the sudden bursts of song. Only today, when I got out of the shower I recalled how difficult it was for him to bath or shower and that the bathroom would need to be adapted, Oh, how I need him to hold the ladder when I change a light bulb! The house is very empty and the cat is asleep. I crochet for charity and I continue to sing with online workshops and meet people on Zoom. I keep podcasts running through the night as, although I fall asleep, I don’t stay asleep. I cook and launder, though simply, and I dress and am in makeup if anybody is to see me online. I watch a simple Morning Prayer every day. I’ll see what happens about Christmas. It will be another day. Until Richard died I had no idea how crushing the grief could be without one’s life-partner. Richard’s death was so sudden and unexpected that I was not prepared for it. I’m not the easiest person to live with but he adored me. I always say I must have loved him because I did things for him that you would only do if you loved someone or were paid.
Jan X
3 Likes
Dear Prof
Thank you for your beautiful words and your honesty in faith. It is sometimes so hard to find God when we need Him the most and at my lowest I have been convinced that I too was being punished…Barry and I were never married but I always believed that God meant us to be together…when he died I knew that it was right for him…he had run his race and reached the f
2 Likes
Dear Prof,
Thank you so very much for your kind and thoughtful reply. I have read it many times since you posted it possibly because your emotions, poured into every word you wrote, so closely mirror those which now define my every hour.
Gill’s pancreatic cancer meant an ugly and undignified end to what had been an amazingly creative life lived to the full and, lucky guy that I am, shared with me. We travelled the World together, loved our dogs, our little village, ballet, classical music and so very very much more. Now she has gone I find that I have lost my taste for those wonders and have become a numb shadow of the man who once explored desserts, flew aircraft and sailed the seas. Yes I am pleased that Gill has been spared the hellish loneliness that has become my lot though it still tears me to pieces when I recall holding her hand as she died. That awful image swamps my every attempt to recall a joyous time that we shared. I am as yet unable to look at photographs of her, they simply magnify the pain I constantly feel. I pray that this will change in time, that they might then let me relive all our happy times. I am unable to
open many drawers and cupboards because I know them to be packed with her personal things and yet they relentlessly call out to me for attention that I cannot give. A day or two before she slipped into the blessed coma that spared her her pain she looked me full in the face and said " One of us had to go first Peter though I wish we were going together" Amen to that. Many of our friends here on SR tell us that they can sense their loved-one’s
presence, how I envy them that. When Gill died all the life was sucked out of our home leaving a total vacuum again perhaps that might change. We have two pendulum clocks in the hall, my darling died at 1115 and both clocks stopped at exactly 1151 - could that possibly be chance or was it a farewell?
God bless you Prof, we weep together as we stumble through our lonely days. You feel this is the inevitable price to be paid for our past happiness - should happiness have a price?
3 Likes
(Oops!) finishing line…just like you and so many others on here I was glad it was me left behind not him because he would never have managed. I have been without his physical presence for four years and I still have more of my race to run, but I know that God is with me…some days He is close…some days He is farther away…some days I despair…some days I feel the stirrings of hope…but love comes in so many forms and it never dies x
1 Like
Dear Crazy_Kate,
… and YOU have urged ME on. That’s just what I mean about this forum. As we express our own sorrow and describe our faltering steps along this unknown pathway full of boulders, pot-holes, twists and dark turns, we can help one another.
Perhaps I cannot feel David’s presence but I can feel our combined sadness, which unites us as brothers and sisters. I think we can turn this into strength. We are all travelling the same road and because of SR we know there are others in front of us and behind us and that we shall eventually reach our destination, helped along by the kindness of others.
A broken heart has no plaster cast for all the world to see so people don’t make allowances and when we are able to contain our grief, even those closest to us forget and can comfort themselves with the thought that we are “strong” or that we are “getting over it”. WE know how weak we are and why we have come to this site when there is no comfort to be found anywhere else.
Thank you all for being able to care about others in the midst of your own suffering. Bless you.
2 Likes
What a beautiful post.
Well written
Thankyou.xx
1 Like
I saw this today and thought it was beautiful :-
I thought of you with love today
but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too,
I think of you in silence
…I often speak your name
All I have are memories
and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake
with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping
I have you in my heart.
7 Likes
I’ve lost my husband of. 61 years 4month ago I may not even write cards this year
1 Like
Shergrove, this iwill be the 3rd Christmas without Jack and so far I am not sure I will write cards! The people that love you will understand
Love
Sadie x
1 Like
Dear Shergrove,
your loss is so very new that you are doing well even to have come to this site. You will find friends here, all sorrowing in the same way so you can be sure that someone understands and we all try to offer comfort to one another.
I shall not be sending cards in the normal way but there are one or two people who don’t yet know that my beloved David has died so I must write to them before they send a card to both of us. The pain of being “me” instead of “us” when for nearly 6 decades (in my case) we have done everything together and been everything to each other, has no adequate words. God bless you.
I posted this under the thread ‘Doing Things Differently This Year’ back in December last year
this year I’m facing my 3rd Christmas without Alan, and it will be different again, Christmas Eve, I shall be here with Ada, lighting my candle at 7pm along with everyone else who have ‘signed up’, we’re having a small buffet tea on Christmas evening, with Christmas dinner being on Boxing Day, board games both days, I know Christmas is to be different for everyone this year, Covid-19 aside, our Christmas is to be different again.
It is 2 and a half years, last Thursday, since Alan left, there’s not a day goes by when he’s not in my thoughts. Things I’d long forgotten suddenly spring into my mind bringing comfort that he’s still close by.
As I have written many many times, we are now living a different life, a life with our loved one by our side in spirit, so too, do we live through what were once special days, differently, with our loved one by our side in spirit.
we can all only do what is best for each of us as individuals, as time passes, we shall all find our new comfort zone, until such time, we muddle through this different life in the way that is the best for us and with the continued support of everyone on this forum.
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen🦋
1 Like
Dear Jen,
It is wonderful that you have a lovely family able to visit and be visited and someone with whom to share your loss and your memories. I can hear your pain, nevertheless and can only hope that you ARE able to establish a new norm, one that gives all of you peace and pleasure.
For me, not yet six months after the death of my beloved David, there is no family and I am not in a bubble with anyone. David and I were everything to each other and relished our simple, quiet Christmas times. The house was decorated from top to bottom (inside) because we loved the sheer joy of the special light and colour to celebrate the season. We had such fun, taking our time, Christmas music playing and stopping for mince pie breaks. It took over a week before it was done to our (my?) satisfaction and we basked inside our life-sized, Dickensian Christmas card for at least three weeks. This year I can’t bear the thought of decorations. Nor can I bear the thought of doing nothing. It must be all or nothing. Half a job would be worse than either option.
I wonder how people in my position, recently widowed and without family and not in a bubble, are preparing? How are you coping? As it happens I want to be alone anyway as the thought of families and couples sitting around a jolly table is more than I can bear. It would be such a strain to have to try to smile and keep up with conversation and worse, to break down, making everyone uncomfortable and spoiling what should be a joyous occasion. God bless.
2 Likes
we have a son and a daughter no grandchildren, so there were just the 3 of us plus our two dogs to them it’s just a day of food. all three of us live quite close and on our own. I feel in a better place this year than last which is an improvement but it will never be the same, any day, whether Christmas, birthdays etc will never be the same, not the same for anyone on this site, the one we yearn to be with us is only with us in spirit, sometimes it’s enough, other times it’s the harshest cruelty ever.
A friend who lives on the east coast lost her husband 5 years ago and her first Christmas was hard then boxing day she invited other people who were alone, she was talking of hiring a hall last year, with this year’s restrictions, it’s anyone’s guess.
just treat the day as another day to wake up to, and try to engage in something that pleases you the best in these times. there’s no need to put a brave face on, cry if you want, reminisce if you prefer just do what pleases you.
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen🦋
Hello, Prof,
I shall put up the tree and do some basic decoration and have a wreath on the door, put my red candles in the hall window. I’ll try and send my cards early with an enclosure to explain about Richard’s death, as not everybody knows. The main day ? I’ve ordered a Christmas pudding for one with the next grocery order so that I don’t miss out and I’ll organise some food. My son and his family are on the other side of the Atlantic and I’m not in a bubble with anyone. Richard and I enjoyed Christmas. Sometimes we were in the USA, sometimes with relatives and sometimes on our own with more exciting food than usual. I’ll see how it goes. I doubt that I can go to relatives but at the moment we do not know what the ‘rules’ will be so I can’t plan. I don’t want to look miserable to the neighbours. it’s been a hard year and not just for me. I’ll take it as it comes.
Jan
1 Like
Never thought there could be pain like this I’m trying hard to keep smiling because my husband just smiled all through his illness
1 Like