I lost my wonderful husband (soulmate) Mike just 8 weeks ago after 41 years of marriage and we were always together and happy every day of our lives. We lived and breathed for each other. I received a letter from a friend today that I found rather insensitive. She has known both of us for 38 years. I reproduce it here:------
Jean , I’m not going to be the flavour of the month with what I am about to say .
Going online and messaging people about your and their grief is not going to help you .
It smacks of wallowing in your misery, instead of thinking of the 41 really happy years together you seems to be like a child whose birthday has come to an end but still wants more . You are better than this . It makes a mockery of your time together , I’m certain you wouldn’t want this for Mike should the roles be reversed . Who are you crying for? Not for for Mike but pity for your self ?
You don’t understand I hear you think …and I am not in your situation…yet , however a few years ago when we remade our wills we had this discussion and Jerry and I both agreed that neither one of us would dishonour our memories by excess grief , it would be an insult to our lives together . Mourn ok for a little bit but then hold your head up high and get on with life with a smile on your face and happy memories in your heart .
And I will when the time comes . Constantly crying and not eating is like punishing yourself , trying to suffer more and more , as though that will help . If Mike was looking down he would be appalled . I know you miss him but all of this is not going to bring him back and will get you nowhere.
Do think on what I’ve said . I’m sure you won’t like it but I say it with an honest heart and as a true friend . People will get tired of your tears but soon you will perk up and find an interest of your own to fill that gap in your life .
Sorry to have been so frank but you are worth more than this life you seem to be spiralling into .
Love B.
hi Jean
very sorry youve got what can best be described as an arsehole for a so called friend,id be telling her,[p]offf ,but hey im a nasty specimen and thats my solution.
this lady as not got a clue,we could plan chat what ever but until she loses her husband its just words.please feel free to say what ever you need to,and hopefully you will make a few friends on here with people who totally understand what you are facing each and every day and the emotional turmoil and heartache you are having to try cope with.
we are all individuals who will hopefully find our own coping mechanism.
heres hoping you will in time whether thats weeks month or years…
sorry for any offence and just know we as members of this site do care and are here when ever you need us.
take care regards
ian
ps im a very opinionated man who tries not to beat around the bush.again sorry for any offence.
Dear Jean, how unbelievably cruel that so called friend is. You can deal with it by ignoring her or telling her like it is. Nothing quite prepares you for the shock and devastion that follows losing your life long partner. It’s because you loved deeply that grief overwhelms. Please don’t take it to heart what that stupid woman has said, just feel sorry for her as she knows no better. I lost my husband of 38 years to cancer 8 weeks ago, I know how that feels. Take care and surround yourself with people that do understand. Best wishes Margarita
Jean, that’s terrible, I read that with my mouth open , can’t believe someone could be like that, she wouldn’t be my friend anymore, you’re better off without her x
Hi Jean,
We will all have had some insensitive remarks from friends and neighbours but I think this letter is truly unbelievable. It’s quite simply cruel and is not written by a ‘true friend’. However she and her husband may think they will react is hypothetical and has nothing to do with your loss. Nobody but nobody can prepare for the reality of grief. I think the only thing that your Mike would be appalled by is this so called friend. Pity her husband and delete her from your phone and address book. I feel outrage on your behalf.
Stay with the forum and those of us who do understand. Take care.xx
Hi Jean,
I can only reiterate what every other person on here has said. That is the most horrendous and cruel thing I have ever read 
I am a great believer in what goes around comes around and one day when she finds herself in exactly the same situation I hope she thinks back to what she has done and how disgusting her letter was. It is all well and good saying when the time comes she will get on with things and not wallow, well good bloody luck to her because she doesn’t have a clue. May I also suggest you take a copy of every post that has responded to you and send them to her so she can see exactly what an absolute arsehole she is x
Jean, I can only agree with the comments people have already said. I too had to promise my June that I wouldn’t let grief define me, atke over my life. That was before she passed. I also promised to be the better person, to look for the good in people and I’ve tried. And i’ve found that on here - the kindness of strangers. So, being the better person:
Your friend hasn’t expereinced what you’re going though - and you wouldn’t wish it on her
Assuming she means well (better person mode), it’s not that she wants you to get over it, she wants her friend back and that means you have to get over it. She doesn’t realise that losing Mike has fundementaly changed who you are. And guess what, you didn’yt want that change.
The only thing she got right is that Mike wouldn’t want and event toidefine you, so don’t let this letter define who you are.
I think that I would tell your friend how that letter upset you. You may want to be the better person and say that you understand that she’s never experienced this pain, and hope she never will, but her words hurt when you needed a friend.
I too lost June 8 weeks ago, after 45 years together, good times and not so good times, mostly good. I think that my friends have agreed amongst themselves to let me be whatever I have to, none of them have experienced the loss of their soulmates so they don’t know what to do.
As for wallowing in your misery, well, I doubt if any of us her are doing that, we’re screaming for the one thing we can’t have and everyone here is in the same place and just wants to help because helping people is the good and right thing to do
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, but I too am staggered that someone would say that even if they think that.
D
Omg Jean that is not a friend I’m sorry x Sending love to you
Hi Jean-I did not lose a partner, but my beloved younger sister, who was my best friend, soulmate & other half.
I have also been met with some insensitive comments, but what was said to you is beyond tactless and out of line. What gives this so-called “friend” the right to judge how you choose to deal with your grief? When did she become the “expert” on grief & bereavement? I am sure her callous words did nothing to ease your sadness, but instead poured salt in the wound. If you ever decide to speak to her again , you might tell her in no uncertain terms, that her "unsolicited advice " was not welcomed. Xxxx
Dear Jean - I have to reiterate what everyone else has said - I am appalled at what this so called friend has written … all I can say is she has no idea of the wonderful relationship you had with mike and she has no right whatsoever to write to you in this insensitive cruel way . It does not sound like she and her husband have anything like the true love you had . And as for this forum many people have found it to be the lifeline it is - sounds like her marriage is more if a business arrangement !!! You know where I am - you know you may call me . Take care dear lady and hope to see you soon x
All I can say is that your friend must have a heart of stone. Or a cold fish. When the time comes and if her husband passes first I would feel like showing her the letter again and see if her ‘sentiment’ still stands.
It’s me again.!
Just to say, I have never seen such a dreadful letter in my life and read it in a mixture of horror and disbelief! Please do what others have said - delete her from your life. Having ‘spoken’ to you on here, and read your posts, I know you are worth a million of her. What a prize b.t.h. Sorry for the rant but I feel so angry that a ‘friend’ could be so cruel. Please put it behind you. We will try to make up for her on here.
With love,
Ann x
Thank you for all the support I have received from yourself and everyone that read my post. I am so grateful to have friends like you all. I am still reeling from the letter and feel shock and disbelief as it feels like a punch to the stomach. I will get over it, I have no other choice, but I feel so alone and vulnerable now, just as I felt I was coping. Thanks again and love to you all.x
Hi Jean, the shock and pain that you feel from the very insensitive letter is natural, the worst bit for me was when she said you should be grateful you got 41 years with him and compared you to a child.
It is however possible that your friend did not want to write that letter, but that she has seen you suffering and she thought the only way you might stop suffering is by being so crude. It obviously hasn’t helped you, so maybe you should have this discussion with her, that she needs to appreciate that we are all different and react differently to grief, and that if she is a true friend then she should be there for you and show a little more empathy and support for the decisions that you take.
I totally agree with you Dave, and you should be pleased to see the “better person” emerging, if it wasn’t already there. Take care. AL
Hello Jean, it looks like you’ve also lost a friend. These comments could only have come from someone completely cold and with a heart of ice. Even if that letter was sent to you in five or ten years time it would still be out of order. You don’t need more hurt so try your best to move on from the advice of someone who knows no better.
Best wishes, AL x
No body has a right to tell someone how or how not to grieve Jean…your friend she might have duscussed how this will happen between her and her husband …and good on them if when the time comes they are able to carry out thier plan of not showing excess grief ! God forbid whatever that means in the real world of grief ! …you do what’s right for you Jean …that’s what I’m sure your husband will want for you …cos those that really care about us will want us to be just the way we are individual unique and empathic towards ourselves and others …take care
Hi. Jean. Well, I am truly speechless. I have never read a more uncaring letter in my life, and I have seen a few. How the hell does she know how she will feel or what will happen? This is sheer arrogance on a grand scale. So you just tell your partner you will not grieve for them but be cheerful!!!??? Does she know what real love is? I would normally try and make comments about bad advice and say that they don’t know what they are doing. But that letter is beyond any sort of forgiveness. She must be taken out of your address book and totally ignored in the future, She is not a friend but someone who can cause you a lot of pain, and friends don’t do that. Take care and try not to let it upset you too much. Take it from whence it comes, from an ignorant and selfish woman. Blessings. John.
Gosh Jean that letter is dreadful I really don’t think that lady is a friend, just a very cruel insensitive person, I hope you have other more genuine friends to support you and I would ignore that horrible lady and her letter or ( write one back , starting ‘ you may not like what I’m about to say !!’ … even if you don’t send it, it may make you feel better , hoping you ditch that person who needs friends like that, take care
Is her letter appalingly insensitive? Yes. Did she mean it to be like this? We don’t know.
People seem to be ignoring these bits from her letter:
“Do think on what I’ve said . I’m sure you won’t like it but I say it with an honest heart and as a true friend.”
and
“Sorry to have been so frank but you are worth more than this life you seem to be spiralling into .
Love B.”
This sounds like someone who means well, someone who thinks Jean can only gain control of her life with another approach.
We can all agree that the letter is wrong, and unhelpful, but her friend is trying to be honest. Maybe instead of encouraging Jean to break up a friendship we know nothing about, maybe we could encourage Jean to ask her friend to come here and read the comments so she can realise just how wrong her well-meaning advice was?