Abdullah. I do see what you mean. But so often when I preach forgiveness I do often say ‘enough is enough’. Mean well?? With a letter like that? I don’t think so. Great care must be taken when we use words, both verbal and written. If we read over what we have said on here and have not posted, then we may need to look again. But to hurt feelings in the way her so called ‘friend’ did is totally unacceptable. I would not make excuses for such an ignorant woman. I do know where you are coming from, and I admire your tolerance and kindness, but I believe the line has to be drawn somewhere. Since you quoted from her letter here are some more. ‘Who are you crying for? Not for Mike but pity for yourself’. ‘it would be an insult to our lives together’. (To mourn ?) ‘If Mike was looking down he would be appalled’. Very helpful to a bereaved person. !!! ‘People will get tired of your tears but soon you will perk up and find an interest of your own to fill that gap in your life’. Just like that!!! Have you found that interest to fill the gap, have I? Has anyone on here truly found it?
Hi Jean, I am speechless (not something that happens a lot), seriously though, this ‘frenemy’ sounds a really uncaring, cold and callous person, you deserve better, since losing Mike, your life has changed, none of us wanted this change or to live thus different life we have been forced to live. no one can tell another how they should be grieving and for how long, no one on this site would ever do so, grief is personal thing, and we cope with it as best we can and in ways we can. we each have our own coping mechanism, there is no time limit on grief nor is there a set pattern we must follow.
this letter from your 'frenemy ’ is full of hatred and unfeeling, to have been friends for so long and to write such a vitriolic letter is beyond any comprehension. She’d certainly be removed from my Christmas card list. you are better than her you obviously had a loving marriage, one that she may have envied, please don’t let her control you, turn this 180° and pity her, try not to give her empowerment over you.
I lost my husband, Alan, 2 years ago May just gone, after 52 years together, 50 of those married, It’s been a rocky road I won’t lie, I still have my moments, had a buckle (as I’ve started to call them) only yesterday late afternoon, something trivial triggered a tearful moment. I talk to him constantly, write in my journal most days now, there are things in doing and/or contemplating that I’d never steam of doing even a year ago, we never get over it, we learn to live with our loss, and this 'frenemy ’ is obviously very jealous of the love you and Mike had for each other, she sees in you what is tragically missing from her own marriage, no doubt when/if she finds herself in our situation she will come running to you for sympathy and support, karma never forgets and she will receive hers worsening what’s hit her.
take care lovely lady and don’t let this vicious person drag you down to her level, you have found lots of friends on this site, I know I have. just take each day obe at a time. Here if you need to talk,
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen🦋
Her time will come one day for understanding the grief of losing a soulmate , and yes we do grieve for the lost life we had it’s not selfish to wish things were back to how they were who wouldnt want that
Abdulla, I know you are looking at both sides and are giving this ‘Friend’ the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe her unconventional approach will help Jean. You are obviously a caring and forgiving person but with respect you have not lost a partner, you lost your Dad and that is terrible. I have been through the loss of a dearly beloved Mother so I know how it feels but I really don’t think you can comment unless you have been in the same situation and know how truly life changing and devastating the loss of a Husband is. The things that have been said to Jean come from a place of no understanding or empathy whatsoever, personally I think everything the ‘friend’ said was cruel and heartless. There should be no excuses or forgiveness directed towards this person whatsoever. If you saw my earlier post I did suggest that Jean show her ‘Friend’ the responses she has had about the letter so she could see the reactions of people who live with this every day. I am not a vengeful person but I hope one day this ‘Friend’ finds herself living in this torment we all find ourselves in and thinks back to how wrong she was commenting on a situation beyond her comprehension.
Nothing on this earth will ever fill that ‘gap’ she so flippantly talks about. My wife has been gone for over 20 months and the big gap is still there and always will be. ‘Wallowing in your misery’ she says. The sheer arrogance astounds me. I just can’t get my head round that letter or even begin to understand her motives. There are good people and bad people. It’s life and it’s bound to happen. We should try and be kind to the former and ignore the latter.
Best wishes. John.
Two years May last since Alan passed, I still have tearful moments, some triggered by the most simple or tiny thing, then it sets me off, you’re absolutely correct Jonathan, nothing in world can fill the ‘gap’ of our loved ones, woman is very insensitive and should be ashamed of herself, karma’s list may be long but karma doesn’t forget
hope today has been an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen🦋
I also cannot get my head around the letter. I have no idea what she thought she would achieve through sending it. Perhaps she was thinking it was the tough love route and had it been 8 years later for Jean and she was no better then perhaps I would have understood it but after 8 weeks! All I can think is that her and Jerry do not have the kind of relationship many of us were lucky enough to have with our partners and therefore she thinks ‘moving on’ is achievable after weeks 
Either that or she is selfishly wanting jean2 to be concentrating on her and not the loss of her husband
Dear Jean, I hope this little unwanted discussion has not detracted from the sympathy we all feel for you after receiving that insensitive letter. Take care. AL
Hello everyone,
This thread is getting a little heated, and I would ask you all to please remember that the primary purpose of this community is support. Our community guidelines (https://community.sueryder.org/faq) ask everyone to be respectful and sensitive to each other.
To prevent the discussion becoming more problematic overnight, I’m going to temporarily lock this thread.
The community manager will review this in the morning and unlock again if appropriate.
Michelle
Online Community team
Hello everyone,
We have reviewed this thread and have removed a number of posts where the conversation moved unhelpfully away from the original topic and escalated into a disagreement. The purpose of this community is to provide a safe and supportive space for people who have experienced a bereavement, and we all have a role to play in making sure that happens. You can do this by:
- Being kind, respectful, and understanding of other peoples’ situations
- Being supportive and keeping the conversation on track
- Reporting any post that concerns you or that you feel breaks our community guidelines. Remember, it is best not to respond to posts you’re not sure about as this can escalate an argument and prevent people getting support
We understand that everyone here is grieving for someone they love and going through something incredibly difficult, which is why it’s even more important to think about what you’re writing and posting here.
It’s okay to disagree with one another - ultimately we’re all different and won’t always see eye to eye. Our guidelines acknowledge this, but we ask that you disagree with someone’s opinion rather than attacking them as a person.
@Jean2 has had many supportive and kind replies to her original post, so I am reopening this thread to allow that to continue. We will be monitoring the conversation carefully and if it starts to veer away from Jean2’s original topic in an unhelpful way then we will close the thread again.
If anyone has any concerns at this time please get in touch with us at online.community@sueryder.org
Take care,
Eleanor
Hi Jean, I just wanted to say that just reading that letter brought me to tears. I lost my hubby on the 15th May. He had Parkinson’s, went into hospital for low blood sugar and went downhill after 5 weeks. I never saw him again. We were married for 46 years, but were together for 48. I was married at 19. I often tried to imagine what my life would be like without him but tell your friend absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for the reality. I do know that some people are very hard and lack any empathy for others and can manage to just get on with their lives, but I personally cannot understand this. I am so sorry for your loss and feel for you greatly.
100% correct, nthing prepares you for this. I can see how people struggle to understand - they’re lucky, ithasn’t happened to them. But a lack of sympathy, i don’t understand that
Hi, Eleanor. Thanks for that and the reminder. I think, like me, everyone was so appalled by the letter that was written we may have got carried away somewhat. Emotions do take some controlling at times.
Best wishes. John.
Dear Jean
My heart goes out to you. A true friend would not be so cruel. I have lost 2 husbands , my first 21 yrs ago after 31 years of a wonderful marriage. I never believed I could go on. The pain is devastating and you feel like you’ve lost yourself. I was lucky to meet a truly special man who had also suffered loss of his wife . We enjoyed nearly 18 years of a happy marriage, but devastatingly he died a few months ago. Do not listen to this so called friend ! You do not cry, no sleep, unable to eat for Pity ! You are in a horrific place , nothing makes sense, feel lost and scared. The life you had is taken from you. . I knew I would lose my darling , we had time to talk, Tony too said , I must lead a life, etc but he also understood how hard it would be. He had been through it too and didn’t envy the grief I faced. Unless you have lost a soul mate , who is your everything , then it’s impossible to truly know how it destroys you. It will get easier , but in my experience never leave you. In time you will be able to remember the good time’s, right now it’s very early days. This ‘friend’ and I use that word sparingly! Does not deserve your company , turn to people who will be more understanding. One day she may realise how bad this is. Unbelievable , I send you love and understanding, just get through each day, Jean , do whatever feels right for you No one else. This is your grief, and your husband would understand too , grief is the price we pay fir love! Maybe. She hadn’t really known true love
Thinking of you
Love Christina xxx
I’m sorry but she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. How dare she!!! That is horrible. She’s lucky she doesn’t understand. She’s too negative and horrible to even have as a friend she doesn’t deserve u. 3 years after loosing m mum suddenly and I’m still Grieving and finding it very hard to still get through each day. Ur grief is yours if u want to cry and post n talk abut it for aslong as u want then do it !!! Much love hun xxx
Hi Jean I was truly appalled reading your post. A true friend will be there to listen and dry your tears. Pick you up when you fall and allow you to be you. You have lost your soul mate and best friend. Nobody will get that if they have never had that taken from them. You really don’t need that toxicity at the moment. Your grief is yours and yours only.
Take care 