Hi Christina. What a lovely and thoughtful post. I echo those sentiments. There is nothing like adversity to sort out who your friends are. The promises of always ‘keeping in touch’ fell by the wayside with me. I have not heard from some of them who attended my wife’s funeral after 20 months!! But I have many friends where I live in a community, and they are the quiet ones who are there when you need them.
It is said that the best friend in the world is one who will hold your hand in times of stress and say very little. It’s the presence that’s important not what they say. I doubt if the woman who wrote that letter knows what it’s like to lose someone close or she would never have written it. Grief is a very personal experience, and no one can ever suggest that it’s easy. Never!!
Best wishes. John.
Hi a John
Thank you for your kind words. As you say true friends are there when you need them, not to make judgements. Ones grief is personal, only the person in such an awful place can begin to understand how hard it is. It’s 8 months for me now, but the pain is still with me. No time limit on grief . I’ve thrown myself into some fundraising for St Johns Hospice, Tony and I were so appreciative of their care and support.
Hope your doing as well as you can,
Christina x
Hi Jean
I lost my husband 16 weeks ago, and I am at the stage where some days I am able to get through a whole day without crying, other days I just cry suddenly no matter where I am, it just happens I don’t seem to be able to control it. I have a friend just like yours that tells me I am being stupid, that I should be over it by now and getting on with my life. Someone that says things like this, can never have known the pain that we are going through, I was married for 46 years to the most wonderful kind man that did everything for me and put me first all the time we did and went everywhere together as my sister in law said to my daughter ‘ we were as one’.
Because someone dies it does not take away all those years, we have to try and live some sort of life without them and get through each day as it comes, waking up each day not knowing what each day is going to be like. I try to think about how much love he left behind , I know how much he loved me and still feel it now. But I am already a different person, I was very strong, but some days I have a job to function, I tried cooking a meal for my grandchildren that I have made so often and found I couldn’t remember how, I can’t remember things from hour to hour, there is no purpose to anything. We have to grieve in our own way, and I am sure my husband would never have wanted me to be in this state, but as I said we are the only ones that can deal with the pain that we are feeling, I am so glad that you have written on here this platform has helped by just being able to express our feelings, my thoughts are with you
Hi. IJ02. Once again I can hardly suppress my anger about the sheer uncaring and stupid remarks made by those who have no idea of grief. ‘Stupid, and getting over it by now’. Oh Yeah??? He/she is not a friend but a source of pain to you. You are making the mistake of trying to control your emotions. Let them come, have a good cry, kick the wall and yell. No matter what others may think. (Although it may be best to do it on your own!!). But so often we can burst into tears in front of other people. So? Never feel embarrassed. If they don’t understand and have no compassion that’s not your problem. Emotions are Nature’s way of easing stress. You feel that love and that’s because love can never die, be lost or forgotten. Real love transcends all things. Hold that love in your heart and no matter what others say, it can never be lost. ‘We were as one’. Oh yes, I do know. Take special care of yourself. Day by day only.
Blessings. John.
Dear Jean This made me cry and I can’t believe a true friend would think it could help especially as your loss was such a short time ago. My darling died nearly five years ago and my grief is still big ugly and raw I have got a little better at hiding it. I have very few friends and no family . If anyone had written this to me I would have been inconsolable. I would be tempted to reply and tell her how much this hurt you and the damage it has done to you and your friendship. I hope you have other friends who are truly supportive. Thinking of you and sending living thoughtsx
This is not friendly advice. Grief is a personal thing and no one has the right to say how you should be feeling. Do what is right for you. True friends will understand. When the time is right for you to continue with your new life then do so. Until then do whatever you need too do, to get through each day. Xx
Wow!! And not wow in a good way. Vile vile person!! How dare she!!! This woman is toxic and when her time comes let’s see how she does…I’m sorry you have had to deal with this person also. By all means if you need a non constructive and highly abusive reply I’m your girl xxx
Hi Jean,
She obviously does not understand and has not been in your situation. I always thought that I was strong and would not be affected excessively by close family death and sometimes thought other people were a bit OTT in their grief but once it happened to me I have really struggled and have not been able to hold down a job. I cannot believe the effect it has had on me. We never know how grief will affect us until something like this happens to us. I do not necessarily think that she is being horrible or insensitive. I think she means well but doesn’t realise herself yet how grief can sometimes affect our whole life. Don’t be too hard on her. Jane
Hi, jean I don’t come on this forum a lot just now and again.I saw your post and I’m absolutely lost for words.I could say a lot about your friends so called words to pick you up and stop feeling sorry for yourself but I can’t I’m to lost for words.You have spent a life time with your husband now you r 8 weeks on from losing him.I think you have reached out on here because you need it.8 weeks is nothing in the grieving process and if she was my friend I’d be inclined to tell her to do one.xx
One nasty peice of work get rid!
Dear sheila I think that is the reason we are on this forum , because we love our lost ones so much we need understanding from others who have gone through the same heartache
I’m not sure that it’s appropriate, but unfortunately, there are people in this world who are not nice. My June was scheduled for Radiotherapy in april and at my brother’s funeral (2020 is not a good year), I mentioned to my other brother that June wasn’t doing too good so couldn’t be there. His wife,my sister-in-law, then said “you already told us that”. I couldn’t beleive anyone would be that callous. I just didn’t knoew what to say, I know we’re not close, but still. I then saw them after June had passed. He said “I’m so sorry”, I just said “you told me you knew she wasn’t well”. I have now blocked their phone numbers and they weren’t asked to her funeral.
You choose your friends, but can’t pick your family
Oh, by the way, this is how my nephews dressed for the funeral of their “favourite uncle”. I do wonder if those boys ever me their father, if you know what I’m saying!
smurfs|230x500
This is the photo
Hi Dave. I’m very much a traditionalist when it comes to funerals. The way those men are dressed I find disrespectful. You’re right that some people are just not nice. We can do without those individuals. However, we mustn’t forget that most people are nice but unfortunately they get overshadowed by the not so nice. You take care Dave and try not to dwell on the wrong sort. Keep your heart and soul exclusively for your June. xx
Yes Kate, we should remember that among all the uncaring there are many who do care, and very much so. I talked recently about the ‘sheep and the goats’. After some time I have manged to sort them out. I no longer associate with the ‘goats’, but I have many friends in the ‘sheep’ category. They are the ones who just listen and make appropriate comments. You are right. The good ones do get overshadowed by the not so good ones. It’s because they stand out more when they are making hurtful remarks.
Hope all is reasonably well. John.
I have only just read this thread and my overwhelming response is one of sadness…sadness for Jean who received the letter, sadness for the lady who wrote it and sadness that it has evoked such depth of feeling from others.
Grief is intensely personal…no matter the relationship, when we lose that person who was our rock we are truly cut adrift and each of us has to struggle to reach our own harbour…it takes some of us longer than others and we often experience set backs and, as a poster on another thread so aptly wrote " turn a corner only to find a brick wall in our way"! We live in a society that never discusses death…we try to ignore it and,until it visits us personally, we assume it will never arrive. We see death every time we turn on the news but we don’t understand its significance until it arrives on our own doorstep. We don’t know how to deal with grief and most others are unable to help because they just don’t comprehend its effect. It is so hard…all of us on here know how hard…but it is inevitable. We are blessed by love and cursed by grief…it has always been so. We need our energy to keep going…getting angry and lashing out at those who get it wrong and add to our pain helps no one…they should not judge us and we should not judge them.
Jean, your “friend” cared enough to put pen to paper…it was clumsy and poorly conceived and you should tell her so…but at least she bothered. Try to look beyond the words…you know now what is awaiting her or her husband in the future and perhaps pity would be better than anger.
This is a wonderful place to come and share our heartache, to try to support and lift each other…Please let’s keep it that way.
Take care x
Could be they dont understand , could be they are really selfish
Oh my god!I’m soo sorry by your lost I think your friend thinks grieve is t b handled like in a book,sorry but what an utter rubbish, send u that letter ,I’m sorry but friend or not I would just delete her number,what a cheeky way t tell how t grieve,u do what u have to do and what makes u a bit better, I lost my husband 6 months ago after 25 years together and I really didn’t think grieving takes soo much out of u ,I lost 15 kilos ,and I feel so bad still so my darling remember it’s your grief ok!!better days will come for all of us !
Hi AG. A lovely and respectful post. Thank you. I am sure we all agree that maybe, in the first instance we get angry. When I read that letter I did get angry. How anyone could write such a letter was beyond me. But on reflection, yes, pity would be more appropriate. The women has obviously never had to withstand grief. You are so right about lashing out when me meet a disagreement. We can all disagree in a kind and compassionate way. I now confess I was wrong to get angry and should have known better. But what we do so often is a reflex action. I have said we should all choose words carefully, and I need to live up to my own advice. You are right about being a society that hardly ever discuses death. Kids are taught ‘If it’s not fun don’t do it’, But life is not always fun. Death is very much part of it. If one believes in death being final, then grief can become a hopeless and despairing experience. When I began the thread ‘Psychic phenomena’ I did not expect the number of replies it got, and I hope it’s ongoing. Hope is a big word with big consequences, or it can be. If we give up hope we give up on a vital factor in the human heart. Take care and blessings, John.
Hello Everyone-I responded to Jean’s post early on, and have been following other’s posts since. The sheer volume of responses speaks to the commonality we as grievers share . The combination of anger, outrage, sadness, pity, even forgiveness fill this thread, and there is validity in every response evoked by “the letter.” Having been the recipient of too many tactless, insensitive, unwelcome comments after my Mom died, and more recently after losing my precious sister, I can relate to everything said by each one of you.
Grief is a gaping wound, we walk around with every minute of every day. Kind words serve as a soothing (albeit temporary) salve, whilst harsh words are like sandpaper. I have found that people can say 20 comforting things, but it is often the one or two cruel, hurtful remarks that have the most impact in our vulnerable state.
Anger is a secondary emotion, the primary being hurt. When our grief is judged, dismissed, belittled, especially by those we considered friends, it is not unusual for the degree of hurt we feel, to manifest as anger. Granted, some folks come from a place of good intentions, although awkward & misguided. However, there are others who project their own discomfort surrounding death and grief, onto us. Even some so called “professionals” have done more harm than good, with their textbook platitudes.
One thing I’ve learned from working in the field of Mental Health (and something I need to keep reminding myself of) is that we need not apologise for our feelings . Feelings are individual, and neither right nor wrong, provided we do not cause harm to ourselves or others in how we express these feelings . Jean and the rest of us have a right to feel what we do in response to “the letter.” Myself, I tend to stay in the “hurt” mode, and expend too much energy on the whys, as in why would anyone with a heart, even think to say those things. Herein lies the answer, I’ve come to the conclusion that sadly, there are “” some people" who are just bitter and “heartless.”
End to my rant. I wish you all only kind words to soothe your soul. and ease your pain.
Xxxx