Hi. Sister2. As always, a wise and comprehensive view of our responses to ‘the letter’. Yes, tactless and irritating remarks abound when we are in grief. I could write a book on that subject.
In life, and it’s a sad thing to have to say, there are those ‘heartless’ people who are so self centred and oblivious to the feeling of others that cause so much pain. Yes, you are so right, it can manifest as anger, and it did with me when I read ‘the letter’.
I suppose it was the sheer heartlessness that upset me, who should have known better. One of the things I have found to be true is that they can’t help it. Just as those kind souls can’t help being kind. You will know only too well what I mean when I say that unless we know we have a problem then nothing can be done about it. Most of us need to stand back and look at ourselves. Are we lacking in humility or kindness? Are we hard hearted when it comes to other’s pain? Do we respond appropriately in every situation where there is hurt? None of us are saints, but the realisation that we may have done something wrong is all that’s needed. The Oracle at Delphi says ‘Man, know thyself’ Do we? Know ourselves? This is not to get involved in introspection, but to face ourselves as we are warts and all.
No rant at all, just a kind and understanding post. Blessings.
Very wise words Jonathan. No one knows exactly how grieving feels unless they have walked that path. Further to the original nasty letter I got from my ‘friend’ , I have now had a follow up. She tells me that she still stands by everything she said. I should not be trusting myself talking to people on support sites as it is a dangerous practice. I should be over my grief by now (10 weeks) and that if I don’t take her advice then our 35 year friendship is over. There’s not a lot to be said to that is there. I am utterly speechless and feel even more alone than ever… Just thought you’d like an update
Jean, I was trying to “be the nice person” an d think that your friend meant well but didn’t understand what we’re living with, but this second letter, I have nothing to say.
As for trusting people on here - well, the people here have helped me so much in the last 2 months.being able to dip in and just say how I feel. The feedback I get is so nice, so helpful and supportive because they are where I am. This community tries to support strangers with no expectation of reward or recognition, at least that’s my experience.
Your future relationship with your friend is your business, but I’ve blocked a family member for very insensitve remarks when June passed. I choose not to have that sort of negativity in my life
D
Dave, that is exactly what I had to do, remove myself from negativity, I quickly realised how detrimental it would be as I coped with losing my husband. It is something I continue to do, two years on.
Hi Jean
I’m afraid I didn’t reply when you first wrote about the letter you received as my mother would have had a very similar attitude to your friend and she did know what it was like when she lost my father at a young age. It was a case of ‘pick yourself up and dust yourself down and get on with life.’ However I now feel this ‘friend’ sounds a very controlling person and dare I say it borders on bullying and that is not acceptable. Personally I would tell her to get lost. You are not alone, you have the people on this forum who do understand.
I too was warned about being on such a site when in the early stages of grief when our heads are all over the place and we are vulnerable but I kept with it and don’t regret it now over a year on.
xxxx
hello xxx. I wasn’t able to PM you as your profile was blocked. Perhaps you would care to PM me instead.
Hi Jean. I will be a bit crude and say drop her like a ton of bricks. Sever all communication with her. She could do you a lot of harm mentally if you try and patch things up or reason with her. No one can melt a heart of stone, which is what she has. She may learn in time, but in my experience it’s very unlikely.
I feel so sorry you being upset by this woman. God knows it’s bad enough without all that hassle. You have so many friends on here who understand. Bless you and take care. John.
morning Jean, so sorry to learn that your 'frenemy ’ has taken a further step into your grief.
she certainly doesn’t deserve you as a friend. True friends stand by you, support you. she obviously doesn’t belong in this category. she’s now saying, well demanding really, that she will remain your friend ‘IF’ and only ‘IF’ you do as she says. Blackmail isn’t always about money, and blackmailing is exactly what she’s doing.
such a heartless person. you deserve better.
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
jen🦋
Yes Dave, sorting the sheep from the goats is what we have to do. For anyone to say such sites as this are dangerous is sheer outrageous nonsense. But the woman does not know what she is talking about and is to be pitied but not encouraged.
You are very wise to block negativity from your life. Now that is dangerous. Negative thoughts and emotions will come, and we have very little control over them. But we do have control over who we talk to and who we befriend. At the risk of upsetting people we sometimes have to say ‘no’ and mean it.
Take care and look after yourself. John.
Hello Everyone-I am stunned that Jean’s so-called friend felt the need to return with yet another insensitive verbal assault. So many of us on this thread, even in our outrage and concern for Jean, nonetheless tried to take the high road and give her the benefit of the doubt. Suffice to say, this last letter leaves no more room for doubt. Her vile words and lack of compassion for Jean illustrates exactly what type of person she is. Pity her.
I will not drone on, but will reiterate what I maintained in my previous post, sadly “some people are just bitter and heartless,”
Hi i am so sorry to hear about your loss and the fact that your friend from 35 years is impacting your greif.
8 weeks is no time anf for a friend to say that to you after so little time, i can imagine hurts.
I don’t know your friendship but my intuition is pulling me in 2 ways. Can i say first of all no 2 are your resonsibilty. The first is that she is sacred to death of death (no pun intended) but people who are so scared of it will avoid it at every cost. The fact that her and her husband have agreed to what happens after they are gone (maybe her suggestion how it should be and not his) shows she is trying to avoid the pain at all costs…maybe i am wrong.
Secondly and appreciate now is now time to do it as you concentrate on you and be kind to yourself through this period but i think there will come a time down the line when you reflect on yoir relationship in a different light. Maybe you were always there for her maybe she was needy and when you needed attention she checked out. Not for now thinking ypu just look after you. You are the most important person in this. Be kind to you and put yourself first xx
So very sorry for your loss Jean, my heart goes out to you.
Your friend has been most insensitive & I hope you can find forgiveness one day, for your sake rather than hers.
Rach
Dear Jean, I’ve just joined this site after losing my wonderful hubby in October 2019. I was stunned by your “friends” letter - how insensitive was that? I’ve had a couple of people that have been and continue to be a little insensitive but one I can put down to just not understanding (and, bless her, she won’t until it happens to her) and the other one is a bit stiff upper lip generally and deals with things differently. Little did any of us know what this would be like until it happened and I think that’s a good thing…who would have wanted to know how painful it is? I still wouldn’t keep her as an acquaintance though - she needs to be dropped from your life and just surround yourself with the good ones. I have found I’ve become less tolerant of people and their thoughts and feelings since Malc died; I just don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with them anymore…however, the people on here seem very nice and it’s nice to realise I’m not going completely mad and I’m actually quite normal!
Oh my goodness! What an utter bunch of poppycock this woman wrote you! Perhaps this is what is referred to as the British attitude of keeping a “stiff upper lip”. If so it is very sad that people feel they should repress themselves like this. Maybe her attitude will change when she experiences her own bout with grief. Stay strong & ignore this silly woman…
Hi. Heather_Diane. You are so right. And how dangerous it is to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ Emotions should be allowed out, not suppressed in favour of looking brave. It is no source of shame or embarrassment to give way to emotions. It’s Natures way of relieving just a little of the awful pain. Not only does suppression affect our mental health, but it can have adverse effects physically. If people don’t understand then that’s their problem not ours.
Take care. John.