Husband died suddenly at 34yo

I’m still in complete disbelieve that I’m even writing this! I received a call on Thursday afternoon that my husband died unexpectedly in Germany whilst on business, leaving me widowed at 33 with our 2 year old son!!. I don’t know why I have taken to this forum so soon but I feel an urgent need to be around people also suffering in this way! I still can’t believe it, I can hear his voice so clearly in my mind, our conversations earlier in the week, where he was standing what he was doing on Monday, Tuesday… it can’t be real?! Every time I look at my son, I’m riddled with pain that he has no father!! His best friend who he had an exceptional relationship with. Please somebody tell me it gets easier? Please tell me my son will be ok? What happens now? I’m so confused.
His body won’t be home for another week but his belongings arrived yesterday evening and I’ve just sat staring at them all day. A lifetime of dreams and plans shattered in an instant, what is a life without him it?

Leanna, I feel for you. I’m 40, a young 40, and my beloved partner died just over two weeks ago of a sudden heart attack completely out of the blue. He was on his way to work and made it to a hospital but they couldn’t save him.

All the words you’re saying I understand exactly. We had no children, but other than that, I feel your pain exactly.

I hate people comparing but I wanted you to know there are young people out there, like me, who completely get it. Everyone says it’s too soon for counselling, but I’m losing my mind, so I need some urgently.

You, like me, have had such a horrific shock and nothing to warm us that our lives and whole futures stolen from us in an instant.

I feel for you so much. You’d have been one of the couples I felt insanely jealous of when I lost my love and got driven back from the hospital in total shock. I saw couples walking in the street and even on that first day, I felt so angry they were just living like normal.

People will chuck out cliches and send you love hearts and those ridiculous stickers on Facebook, but nothing will help.

I’m so, so sorry you’re in a similar kind of hell. I’m only two and a half weeks into this myself and I can’t help you, but I know. I just know. This is my first message on such a forum. I won’t say stay strong because I hate hearing that. I wrote a piece to help people understand how I was feeling a couple of days in - with things that were helpful and really not helpful, and actually harmful. You can find it here if the link works. It might resonate, it might not. https://wp.me/p3b799-qj6
Take care xx

So sorry for your loss Leanne, I wish I could tell you it gets better, we celebrated our golden wedding anniversary March last year and exactly 2 months to the date I was at my husband’s funeral. We married very young and we were looking forward to a long retirement together. The loss of a husband/wife/partner is devastating and equally personal to the individual.

I have bought a few books in the hope of trying to understand and make it easier, some of them have and are helping.

They may be of help, you should be able to read snippets of each book either on the Amazon website or via kindle sample download

They are, if you feel they may help
On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth kubhler-Ross
Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginaberg M.S
Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart - 100 practical ideas after your husband or wife dies by Alan D Wolfelt PH.D

I truly hope you find comfort and help to get through these very dark days

Blessings and hugs
Jen ☆

Thank you Jen for your words of support, I will check those books out in time. Xx

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Thank you for responding. Oddly enough it does bring some comfort knowing we are suffering together. Your written piece speaks volumes, I admire you for sitting and writing it all down, I think this may help me in time too.

I spoke to my local bereavement group today almost begging them to see me and they (politely) refused, said it was too early and I should wait a couple of months! She was very kind on the phone and explained that I needed to spend the next few weeks in a dark place, it was just something that happens as part of this “process”.

I do know that my life for the next few months, years and decades will be hell, I know that. But it feels wrong to me, that all my senses are telling me to get help for the sake of myself and my son, and yet I’m not “ready”. How can that be?

I truly can’t wait for this dark hell to be over, yet another day confined to my bedroom clinging to his pillow and smelling his clothes! I hate to sound cliche, but Why Me?!

It helps too knowing I’m not alone and you understand the shock and suddenness of one minute your life being lovely and the next a living hell. I’ve been in bed most of today - I’m not even back in our flat yet. I’m with my parents who live nearby. My sister (who was very close to my partner Craig) is staying here with me too, but she went back to work today, so the first signs of things going back to normal are happening.
I really wish this wasn’t happening to you. I don’t even know you, but I know the hell you’re talking about. I hope you have help and love around you, and maybe having your son will force you to do things and keep going, which might sound like a good thing or a bad thing - I don’t know. I’ve been able to do virtually nothing, but I am forcing myself to have a shower and wash my hair every day. It’s something I suppose.
I understand your frustration about not being able to get help yet because it’s ‘too soon’. I’ve faced the same thing and have been told I’ve got to wait three months and then be put on a waiting list, which is about two months. I know I need help because my whole body and mind is in shock and utter hopeless despair, much like you I’d imagine. I have been given diazepam for the day and some sleeping tablet for the night. I’ve found that’s helped as much as anything can.
If you want to contact me away from here, you can find me through that link. We might be a good support for each other. I won’t be offended if you don’t want to because right now, both of us need to do whatever makes us feel like we can just keep going minute by minute.
I can’t bear leaving the house but keep thinking about other couples and thinking about someone right now thinks their life is fine and tomorrow they’ll be like us. I’d not wish this on my worst enemy.
I keep talking to Craig and asking him what I should do and it helps a little to imagine his voice. But it also feels painful to do that because I just want him back here in real life. I’m not religious so don’t have the comfort of thinking he’s in heaven, but I’m hoping there’s some other realm where he can see and hear me.
I hope I’m helping you in some way and not going on about myself. It helps me to know you understand, so I’m writing with that in mind. x

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What to say,but thinking of you,it is unbearabley difficult but as you say,a comfort to know and speak to people feeling the same.much love keep in touch,everyone on this forum is such a support xx

Hi I don’t really post but read a lot. I had to set up a new account as can’t remeber my log in details - memory awful right now! My husband died age 40 on 7/1/19. So I am three months in. I am 37 we have two daughters age 12 and 10.
In October 2018 he was diagnosed with bowel cancer had massive surgery and was given all clear but they advised mop up chemo as some cancer cells were seen in the blood and lymph vessels. They said have Xmas and start chemo in January. He had the first tablets on 5/1 and was fine on 6/1 he wasn’t well we saw the out of hours Gp who said just side effects but he felt worse as the day went on. I was on the phone that evening he was sat next to me on the sofa I was talking on the phone to the chemo nurse about his side effects I turned round to tell him something and he had died next to me on the sofa within seconds. I don’t remember much from the first few weeks but I resuscitated him (I am a nurse) until paramedics arrived but we couldn’t bring him back.
I can’t belive I am a widow and single mum. I can’t belive I have planned his funeral spoken at his memorial my heart is broken beyond repair. We are now moving house I can’t bear to be in the house where he died. The girls are ok under counselling and bereavement services doing amazingly well xx i keep going for them but life will never be the same out future is gone. Be with your family and friends I just take it a day at a time one foot in front of the other and I won’t give up x

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Your son has you and he does have a father he just is not right here xx he has an amazing father and an amazing mother xxx

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I have my parents staying with me at the moment, helping with my son and the running of the house, but everyone is starting to annoy me! It’s overwhelming having everyone in my house, doing things differently to how I do them and whispering to each other all the time. Going for a walk around the village and returning to frantic parents is very frustrating, but I know it’s normal for them to worry so I’m trying not to snap at them.

My local Cruse Bereavement group have told me that they have closed their waiting list as it is now 9 months long! I suddenly realised that we have private health insurance and I have arranged a therapist appointment through them for the next few weeks.

I’ve never been so aware of my heart before? I can feel it all the time, pounding, just sitting there feeling heavy. I feel an incredible urge to leave this house, I need to move! There are memories all around and I can’t handle it.

I’m afraid I couldn’t work out how to pm you on twitter (being tech savvy was Luke’s thing), but I have contacted you on FB, hope you don’t mind.

I keep talking to Luke too, I have to believe in heaven for my son’s sake, I have to believe he can hear us, see us and is with us. It just feels so comforting to speak out loud to him, to say his name, even if it does tear me apart inside. I feel so unbelievably sad… x

I’m so sorry that you are going through this same hell. I keep thinking the same thing! I am 33 and a WIDOW, a single mum to a 2.5 year old boy that may forget the memories of his amazing Dad!! Where do I go from here? I’m desperate to move from this house but it’s only been a week so I mustn’t make any decisions just yet, and my husband will be buried in this village so I can never move away from the village, for my son’s sake. That makes me feel very trapped.

I know I am still in a very irrational, early stage, but I don’t know what to do anymore.

I am so pleased to hear your children are doing well with counselling. I don’t think my son will be able to get any proper help until around 6 years and I’m just worried sick about what effect this will have on him! When I got married and waited before having children, I never ever imagined I would be in this situation, this was not the path I chose for me or my children.

We have amazing support thank you, from my family and his, they have been truly great. xx

I can’t see anything on Facebook… Have you added me as Chell Da Silva Willis? xx

Hi lovely i found it helped to speak to people in the same situation who really got it. Tim died in the house so I have brought a new house and will be renting out the old house. I can’t stay there it’s far too painful as we brought it to renovate it together and it’s half finished xx my mum panics every time I don’t reply to a call or message it’s normal they worry and care xx I am currently living with my in laws until the new house goes through and miss my own space desperately lol xx the daily pain and crying is horrific I miss him beyond all words I also belive in spirits and know he is woth me I have to it’s what keeps me going cx feel free to find me on Facebook helen Harmsworth xx

Hi there Helen. Your post really interested me as I want to sell this house. I moved here thirty years ago when I married Brian. We agreed that we would sell both our houses and find a house that we wanted to buy together. He had bought this house with his previous wife and I never felt it was my home. I sold but he backed out and hence I am still in his house which of course is mine now. It caused many an argument. He passed away in this house in the dining room which used to be my favourite room, now I can’t bear it. My family are all for it. Brian knew I would move but he told me to wait six months.
It’s so interesting to hear from someone that want’s to move away from their home where they spent all their married years together. I can take Brian anywhere with me and he can move in with me this time. He will always be with me. Thankyou Pat xxx

Hi pat :slight_smile: I am sorry to hear about Brian xx Tim died in the sitting room literally I was on the phone turned round to tell him what the plan was and he had had a cardiac arrest . I dragged him onto the floor and did resus (im a medic) and paramedics came but we couldn’t not get him to come back. I don’t know if I will ever be able to live there again but it’s too soon to sell hence renting it out we have brought a totally different house on purpose. I say do what’s right for you and f the rest - I am doing everything the grief police tell you not too (moving house going back to work getting a tatoo cutting my hair) and it works for me donwhats right for you and go with your heart xx

Leanna,
I am so sorry to hear about the sudden death of your husband. I lost my husband 6 months ago, he died in his sleep, having had no signs of any illness at all so I also was totally devastated by what had happened.
I wish I could say something to comfort you, but I know that all you want is your life back as it was with your husband and nothing can bring him back. I felt exactly the same as you when it happened and even now, 6 months later I cant really believe that I will never see him again.
I saw a consellor about 5 weeks after my husband died and she said I needed treating for trauma rather than grief in the first instance - and I am sure it is the same with you.
She recommended following TEAR:
T - Talk about it - but only to people that I want to talk to
E - eat easy food & exercise (helps relieve stress and anxiety)
A - Aviod anything that will be troublesome down the line such as drink or innapropriate drugs
R - Routine - do the familiar and the obvious
I did and still do find all the above helps. I have a daughter at home and a dog so I have to get up each day for them and keep the house going - in a strange way that helps.
I also have been told not to make any rash decisions but wait at least a year before making any major changes.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better for you but I can’t. All I can recommend is to take each day at a time - dont think about the future as its too scary - and be kind to yourself - do what YOU feel like doing not what others tell you to do.
I get great comfort from writing a journal to my husband - whenevr I want to tell him somethign or speak to him I write it down - which I do find helps in some small way.
Please look after yourself and take all the support and help you can, including from this forum, Take care - Diane.

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I am a psychologist/psychotherapist. I lost my husband 16 months ago. It was and is awful. Things change, day to day, even minute to minute. You must seek help if that is what you feel you need.I wasn’t so bad at first as my husband’s death was expected after a shortish illness, I feel more empty now. Everyone feels different and therefore needs what they need when they need it. Find another group or go to your GP and ask for talking therapy. It will help you get things sorted in your mind, then you can continue the cycle of grief. The suggested books are very good. Sending good wishes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just doesn’t seem that way, yet.

Hi Helen, I’m a total mess at the moment, some days I feel I can’t breathe any longer! The hardest part is not being able to fully let go because my son is always around and I have to keep “pulling myself together” to bath him, play or read a story. Whenever he leaves the house with a relative, I have a complete breakdown. I hope I’m not doing any long-term mental damage from grieving in this way, but I desperately don’t want him to see me like this until he’s old enough to understand (and maybe not even then!). I have some counselling arranged through our private healthcare, I really think talking to someone impartial will help me, and like you said, reaching out to others who ‘get it’. Also writing this message briefly distracts me from the pain and suffering. I hope you move into your new place soon and you can start piecing your life back together, if that’s even possible. Thanks for your kind messages. xxx

Thank you Diane, I plan on getting all the help I can get in terms of counselling, for my son’s sake, I don’t want anything resurfacing in the future in the way of a breakdown etc., my health is suddenly imperative to the survival of this family! I strongly agree that treatment for trauma is what I need to begin with. It was the most traumatic shock in the world getting that call from Germany to tell me that my husband had suddenly died!! I was expecting him home for dinner within the hour! He’d been dead all day and I had been carrying on with my normal day none the wiser, laughing and joking with my son, planning the weekend, makes me feel sick when I think of that now! Thank you for the advice, I will do my best to follow it best I can, but to be honest I can’t think at all half the time. I did write a few things down last night to get them off my chest, but I can’t get round to finishing anything. Maybe some day. Thanks and all the best x

Thank you JLM, I’m planning on going back to the GP this week (he previously only gave me leaflets & sleeping pills, but neither of his recommendations can see me right now). Hopefully he can refer me to someone/somewhere, because that is how I have always dealt with things, by talking. I will try the books in the near future when I am able to. Thank you so much for your words of support. I hope I can get through this and be a happy mum again, I really do.

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