I’ve done several sorts in the last seven months, but most of it went back into the wardrobe!
Yesterday I decided to tackle the cupboard under the stairs, telling myself I would just sort the camping gear. I opened the door and my eyes went straight to Paul’s sports bag. I took all his stuff out, put it by the settee, sat down, and wept.
Started to sort things like shoe polish, dubbin which he’d used for his big leather walking boots. It seems even the small stuff means is loaded with memories. The phone rang and I spoke to one of his oldest friends for half an hour, I told her what I was doing and held the phone up so she could see. We talked it over, why I was doing it, what Paul would have said and how he wouldn’t have wanted me to leave it all there like a shrine.
Another friend texted to ask if it was okay to pop in for tea and cake, I said yes, and told him what I was doing. He said he’d be happy to help and rummage. Tom arrived around two thirty we went through a few things and then had a cake break, and a talk, a hug, and a cry. We went back and did some more then Tom’s partner arrived with her mum. we finished sorting the last few bits and pieces. cleared the decks and had tea and cake.
it was a job well done and now I have three separate piles in the garden room ready to photograph and put on freecycle. It was a lot easier with Tom helping and he went home with some running, swimming, cycling gear, and a bottle of wine.
@Moirarae - knowing how hard this can be, I send you loads of love. I am doing another pile today, again feel ready to do this and have a great spot to take the things too. I guess we just sort of know when we are ready, and this varies for everyone.
Every time I think that maybe I will start with things in his dresser, I open a drawer start crying and close it. I realize I am not even close to sorting and donating his clothes. It has been 5 mos, and it may be another 5 mos or 5 years before I am ready. My beautiful, loving husband married 52 years, together for 57! Life without him is agonizing. But he is with me, which gives me some comfort.
Love and peace, Karen
There is no time it has to be done @Karetired so take your time and wait until you feel ready.
We only got rid of a very few items as mostly me or my daughters either wear his clothes or they made and will make memory quilts and memory bears.
I am currently knitting a bear who will hopefully have a denim jacket or waistcoat made from my husbands jeans. Some of his jeans will also make a bag I will use with love in my heart that he is with me.
After 20 months I’ve decided to move Johns clothes just because my son is house sitting for me with his wife and children and I need some wardrobe space. I intend to fold them nicely and pack them away in storage boxes. I know he wouldn’t mind he’d tell me off for holding onto them so long. But I just can’t let them go as it feels I’m packing him away and he’ll never leave me.
His dressing down will remain behind our bedroom door where he left it the night he died and other bits and pieces of his remain in his bedside cabinet.
@JlovesR
Hope it will help you to keep him with you.
My older daughter thought it a great idea and with a similar sense of humour to her Dad said ‘Then he can carry your shopping for you,’ as we used to joke that, as wonderful as he was, it never occurred to him to offer to carry my shopping.
I’m sure it will @KarenF
I like hearing of, or coming up with lovely ways to keep him close
I love that your daughter’s humorous observation added extra meaning to the bags! which I’m sure made you smile.
My husband didn’t like shopping at all but on the occasions he did come with me he always offered to carry saying ‘here, I’ll get those’
We’re lucky to have wonderful husbands x
I find music is one of the biggest triggers which sets my tears off. I do sometimes put some on to help me let the tears flow when I think I have been too busy to allow my grief the room it probably needs. I don’t want to get stuck in not facing it.
I was driving down the M50 the other day when one of my fav songs came on the radio … Love Affair, Everlasting Love. My Stephen would always sing it to me when it came on the radio and I was in floods of tears. Luckily I was close to the end of MWay and was able to pull over and compose myself but I sure got some weird looks when I slowed right down in tears … It can strike anywhere at any time unfortunately.
How true @Audrey54 and what a wonderful song.
I was the same with (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warner’s. We used to look into each other’s eyes and sing that, particularly the line ‘And I owe it all to you.’
Gosh totally understand the night I met my Chris he was singing in the pub on guitar I SAW HER STANDING THERE Beatles.Always think of him and that night x
My boy who passed in March was a music fanatic he had a vast collection of vinyls cds books Bob Dylan being one of his favourites .Unfortunately try as I might to get through a Bob Dylan cd I just cant not yet anyway.I am off to see GIRL FROM NORTH COUNTRY Saturday on my own.A play all written around the song of the same name by Bob.Gosh I know I will blub but thats fine.People around me I hope wont take any notice.Love to all music is a wonderful thing xx
There wasn’t much in the music world we didn’t like. But our song in recent years was Kenny Rogers “through the years”. I placed my iPad on his pillow and played it softly a few days before he died. We danced slowly to it when he could still stand. Oh my, sweet, but gut wrenching memories. I will love him and miss for the rest of my life. Grieving and pain——a way of life now.
Peace and love, Karen
Hi lonely just reading your post about Jeff Beck yes as I said Mark my son had a vast music collection including Jeff Beck.My brother and sister have both just text me at same time to tell me about Jeff knowing Mark was a great fan.The last time Mark saw him and his band was at Bridgewater Hall and the drummer threw drumstick into audience my boy caught it.Still have it here.My brother works in Wolverhampton but main residence Wirral.He said HI HO SILVER LINING played at Wolves footy games.Its lovely to have these associations through music in memory of our loved ones xxxx
Oh god ye awesome my hubby was a paraplegic so couldnt dance but he joined in all the same.I must say we had some great times and the music was a big part of our life .Mark went to many concerts ovet the years but he and I ( he was happy to drag his mum along now and again) went to see Paul Simon twice after his dad died.Gosh it was great to see him so happy dancing in the aisle cos to be honest his ill health and problems were such a sadness.Oh you are so right to go back in time would be wonderful.I sometimes think well life was pretty ordinary didnt do much etc then when I think about it deeper god yes we did this did that went here went there.Yes to lose my son I would say is the most unbearable thing.He was a massive part of my life our only child but I carry on.He’s with his best mate now his dad .Love and hugs to you keep going xxx
