I AM BROKEN HEARTED

Three weeks ago at 4am on Sunday 7 June my darling husband died at home from a massive heart attack. We had no warning. He had been putting up shelves in the shed at our new house all day on Saturday and was his usual happy loving self. We had a lovely meal and spent the evening planning our new conservatory and longing for the day we could travel again. We had been married for 40 years. Every day of those 40 years was a happy day as we loved each other so much. We do not have any friends in the UK that we spent time with. We did everything together and had many adventures abroad, really big adventures. We hardly watched TV preferring to sit chatting with a glass of wine watching the night sky. We are soul mates. We were just so very very happy and I wonder what cruelty there is that snatched our future away in an instant. When I heard him being unwell in the bathroom I rushed to him but when I lifted his beautiful face I knew he was already dead. The paramedics were here very quickly and tried for an hour to bring him back to me.
Ours was a perfect second marriage and I have two wonderful daughters from my first who loved John like a father. They are trying to help me but I need help from people who have experienced the same tragedy. He was always fun, funny and would do anything to help anyone. Everyone loved John and people are shocked and frightened that it might happen to them. We knew that be loved by someone so utterly meant that one day one of us would be catapulted into a different unbearable life. I always hoped I would be the first to die.
I have coped with the funeral but this week, it was my birthday, I find I am almost hysterical with crying and I am totally without hope for the future. I have our cat who at first was looking for him all over the house. It was heartbreaking but now she is happy to be with just me. She loved him so much.
What can I do, where do I go, how do I cope. I wish he could come and get me so we can be together but I know he can’t. I am not a sociable person, I do not drive and the future just looks bleak. I just want to be with John I am his wife I am supposed to be by his side.

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Hi there
I am so sorry for your loss. Like you I lost my husband suddenly except he was in hospital but no one expected him to die.
The shock is just awful isn’t It. It’s been 7 weeks tomorrow for me and I have accepted that my husband has gone but I still get times during the day where I feel it suddenly hits me again and I think how did this actually happen almost like it’s all been a bad dream. All I can suggest is look after yourself and just take one day at a time but it’s not easy. Some days I manage better than other days.
The heartache is always there never leaves xx

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I lost my beloved on the 19th May the last time I saw him was on a Saturday when they allowed me into icu for 10 mins to be with him
I couldn’t kiss him and they made me wear two pairs of gloves
I hope he heard and felt all the love that I sent him
He knew I loved him and he loved me he was my soulmate my best friend and now I am alone
I have a daughter who luckily lives quite near so I see her most days but she has had eating disorders and I fear that along with her own grief the sight of me crumbling would turn her into a nervous wreck
Doesn’t matter what I do to keep myself occupied the minute I’m alone the grief and pain hits me and I just cry
I can’t listen to the music we loved and shared.
Or watch the programmes we watched together and enjoyed
I have my dog and cats and I think if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t get up in the morning
The pain and anguish is getting worst not better
I want to believe he is with me but I just can’t feel him around me at all
I am so lonely my heart is breaking

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Does it help that there are others that are suffering as much or are we all in our own personal nightmares? I just feel there is too much pain.

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I wish I knew
My friend lost her husband 2 years ago and she said don’t read sad stories
But I think it helps to know so many people feel the same feelings as I am
It’s like my hair is coming out when I brush it and it’s upsetting me so much but other people on here have said the same thing and that it will stop
So I guess that talking to people in the same position is comforting because until you’ve lost a life partner you don’t know this pain
I lost both my mum and dad and grieved but he was there to help me

I’m so sorry for your loss. The heartbreaking feelings are very familiar to many of us on this forum. No it doesn’t help that others are suffering but it does help to know that what you are feeling is quite normal at this stage of grief. You’re not alone and you can communicate on here to express your feelings which, in time, will help.

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It does help to write things down on here. I did try to keep a diary but I cried so hard when I was writing I had to stop
Yes it’s comforting to know that others are experiencing the same emotions and as you say the way that they are moving on as the time goes by x

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Hi,

So sorry for your loss. I lost my lovely husband 1month 4 days ago. He was only 39 years old. He had a sudden heart attack while he was fit and healthy. I am sad, angry , lonely and numb. Every day is so difficult long difficult days. I donot want to anything but I try to eat and sleep as I need to look after my son.
I have no future plans or anything . I am just so sad trying to get better.

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Hello Nuran,
Losing your 39 year old husband will certainly make you sad, angry, lonely and numb but you must try to take care of yourself. It’s just over one month so your grief is still very raw. Every day will be difficult but your husband would want you to try and be strong to look after yourself and your young son. Don’t even think about the future and try to cope with a day at a time.

To everyone on this thread…breathe in this minute and don’t think about tomorrow…you only have strength for NOW and the only steps you need to take are baby steps…you will get through the pain and life will go on…not as you had once imagined…altered forever … but also strangely unchanged because the love lives on and will never leave you.
We each have to travel our own path but knowing so many others are making similar journeys can give us strength to take the next step.
Take heart…we all understand and we all care x

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Hi. I can’t believe how much I feel your pain right now. I could have written what you did. Bleak. Futureless. Broken. My love passed last November from lung cancer after being ill for a while and after having been diagnosed for a year, he was suddenly really poorly with pneumonia and sepsis. It was terrible and I am still having flashbacks of certain moments.
Sending you a friendly thought that there is someone just like you x

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I think what we went through was terrible. Some time I see myself how pity I am and then tell myself I hate being feeling this way, sort yourself out. I hate people knowing what happened to my husband and looking at me like such a pity lady. I am a strong woman I have always been but not any more xx

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Thank you trying trying every single day so long and painful. I am crying less but when it hits during the day I cry, cry …what else can I do? Can I change the past? My love has left us in seconds…

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Thank you all. So many broken hearts. I can’t help but think there is such cruelty coming from somewhere. What possible reason is there for inflicting such pain and suffering on those left behind? John and I loved each other so much so because of that love I am now just a broken shell. All I want is for him to come and get me.

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I totally understand your feelings. My beautiful wife was stolen from me 30 days ago. It was sudden unexpected and she was only 53. Along with many on here I struggle every day and hour.
Use this forum often. I do. I often share my feelings and although painful and upsetting while typing I find it does help.
Feelings will be different but we have the heart stabbing pain in common.

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For some reason this weekend has been the worst yet
I can’t bear the loneliness of being without him
So so so sad

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Hi Suekatie
I feel that too the weekends are just so sad now . My husband passed away on a Sunday and Saturday nights were always spent together. Last night was horrible. It’s only been 7 weeks and in someways I feel it’s getting harder . My daughters and I are really struggling to get through this. My youngest daughter is hurting so much she was her dad’s girl. Sometimes I don’t know what to do ? Xx

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It’s so sad that we are all in our homes and filled with such sadness. I hate it when people say I have lost my husband. If I had lost him I would go and find him again right now. The days are so long and empty. I can see no future for me without him. The light has gone from my life. He was my other half, soul mate, protector and loving partner. I am nothing without him.

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Your message echoes my feelings exactly. I am also John’s wife, always will be even though he died suddenly 37 weeks and 3 days ago last November. Life ended for me the minute I was told John, my husband of 35 years, had died totally out of the blue. I feel I exist now like a shadow, one dimensional with no soul. I can’t cry despite feeling totally desolate, just total numbness. Each day seems one day forward ten backwards. My 91 year old mum whose care I have been sharing since my dad died last June still has hope for the future despite living with grief and constantly painful ailments. my younger son deeply traumatized by seeing his father die in front of him has fought so hard and is still fighting not to be defined by that one terrible moment. He is working hard to forge a future and help me. My elder son, also deeply grieving for his father and the family life forever gone, is still planning his August wedding. Despite grief and the chaos of lockdown it’s a case of hope over adversity.
I know I have people who love and need me but right now I feel utterly hopeless. In real life I have never felt more alone. However whilst reading so many heartbreaking messages on this site only adds to my belief in the cruelty of this world it makes me realize I am not really alone.
I hate the fact we all find ourselves on this site but if it keeps me even vaguely sane for those who need me at the moment I am grateful for it.
Thinking of you all :broken_heart:

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It’s all so sad, thinking of you all xxx