I AM BROKEN HEARTED

Jobar, JayandAllison, Suekatie, Jools1 and everybody else who has posted. What fills me with absolute horror is that this is the life for me from now on. Hearing from people who have been living this hell for years makes me very frightened. No light at the end of the tunnel. No where to go, nothing to do just hopeless grief and sorrow. My John would hate for me to be like this but there is nothing he can do to help me. People tell me to remember the wonderful life we shared and how we did everything together and that many people are not as lucky as that. They are right in one respect but it also makes his death harder to bear. We had so much fun, travelled the world and just adored each other. Now all I have is a cold photograph frame to kiss and the clothes he wore that last day to hold while I go to sleep. People say don’t drink! We enjoyed a bottle of wine together and I do find comfort sitting drinking wine in the evening looking at the night sky and talking to him for hours. At least I sleep well.

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Everything you say is how I feel
This is my life now all alone , I have a wonderful daughter but she has her own home and partner and when I put my key in the lock I am here without him my lovely man smiling at me or sleeping in the armchair xxx
I can’t explain the anguish that makes me want to howl with grief

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I try not to think to far into the future as it’s just too painful and unbearable. Just getting through a day right now is hard enough. This is not what of any of us have chosen and it’s just so unfair :broken_heart:

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Suekatie I do howl with grief,I scream and cry and it wears me out . The first time our dear little cat looked so scared I have made sure I am in a different part of the house so she doesn’t see me. She looked everywhere for him that first week, just three weeks ago. She turned her head and pricked up her ears listening for him. She has stopped now.
Why is it so final? For us one moment he was here and the next he was gone for ever. Like a light being switched off. We told each other we loved each other every day and each morning he brought me a cup of tea with a kiss and the kisses continued throughout all the days of our life. He was so loving and I try to hold on to the idea that his love has not died with him. He can’t tell me anything. It is so quiet.
Jools1 I just think every hour and every day stretches out like an eternity of despair. Three weeks seems like 30 years. We have been robbed or our dreams.

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My dog misses him too she won’t go near his chair
The last message he sent me before they put him on the ventilator was I love you very much
I look at that message so many times a day
I miss holding his arm as we walked up the road
Making him cups of tea and rice pudding doing the garden with him
I honestly don’t know how I will love the rest of my life without him
He didn’t believe in life after death he used to say when I’m gone I’m gone laughing how I wish I could feel his presence in this house

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Live the rest of my life I meant

Suekatie I have two daughters who live near and are trying all they can to help me. I feel I am too broken to help and I do not want to make them feel worse. The fact he was their Step Dad and that they loved him so much shows everyone what an amazing man he was. What/Who decided he had to die like that? It is heartbreaking that your husband was on a ventilator and that you could only spend moments with him. John was already dead when I went to him. He knew nothing I could tell by his face. No pain, no shock, no fright just calm. I am glad for him that it was like that. I am so sorry your happiness ended that way. It’s terrible and cruel.

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Hello everyone. So much sadness :cry:. My heart cries for all of you. So many newcomers to the site, so many newly bereaved, makes me feel very sad. I know the pain you are going through, I remember it vividly. I’m not saying my pain has gone but it does dullen somewhat with time. I can’t think of any better words to say to you all than those I wrote to someone else on this site:

’ Your grief is so raw, take is easy, take it slowly. In the words of a children’s story book ‘We can’t go under it, we can’t go over it, we have to go through it.’ And that’s exactly what we do, we go through it, but we never quite come out the other end. Perhaps a better description is to say we move forward with our grief and our grief moves forward with us. Grief becomes our new companion. It’s been three years this month since I lost the most amazing man in the world. Whilst it doesn’t define me, my grief is now a part of who I am. I carry my grief with pride. It reminds me that the rarest soul in the world was mine, is mine still, will always be mine. Of course, I would much rather he was here in person but that can’t be. I do feel him all around me though. I live with his spirit which is better than not living with him at all. My love for him continues to grow, filling my heart almost to bursting point. I can smile, laugh, sing and dance again. I accept that I can never know pure joy again but I can know a certain happiness and contentment, always carrying my husband with me. None of this will be be of any solace to any of you at the moment, but I wanted you to know that there is a future. Not the future we had planned but a different future. I wanted you to know that there is hope. There is hope.

I remember the early days, after my loss, only too well. The pain was agonising, excruciating. There’s no pain on earth like it. The tears just kept flowing. How was I ever going to move forward? I had no idea and I still have no idea but I do know that I have. It just happened - slowly, gradually.’

Sending love and strength to you all. xx

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Thank you for your nice words. It is helpful to know that someone who has gone through so much pain can relate to our current experience. The sequence of tramutic events over a few days keeps living with me and I know I’m 30 days down the road but it constantly hurts.

Thanks for your support. I find it also difficult as I am a 49 year old male and not even near retirement.
Never expected to have her stolen from me so young. Thanks to the GP not doing what they are paid to do.

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Crazy_Kate Thank you for writing that. Your words are very kind and your description of your wonderful man matches my description of my John. I wish I could feel him around me. I felt it very strongly the night after he died but since then nothing. I can’t understand why I don’t die of a broken heart. Some people do they are lucky.

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It was my wife I lost who was let down by the NHS. She was a staff nurse over 20 years at a local hospital. I don’t know how I get through every day.
I don’t want to still be her but I promised to look after her mum who is housebound.
I find this group is very supportive

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Thank you for taking the time to post here. I answered you above but pressed the wrong button.

Not. Problem. I keep pressing wrong buttons as water gets in the way

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I am feeling so lonely and missing him a lot…I have no idea what to do

It’s the weekend I have actually got in the car and driven around because I can’t stand being indoors
He wasn’t a noisy man but the rooms echo with silence
I have his ashes in the bedroom and I sit with my hand on the container trying to feel his presence
I hate the weekends which we used to spend so happily together and I literally feel like I’m falling apart

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In these 4 weeks I think falling apart is an hourly process. I was having her ashes scattered at the donkey scantuary she loved to visit. But as I wait for them I don’t think I will be able to let them go.
I miss her so much. Never had pain like this and mornings are the worst especially as I woke and went to say morning sexy. She was not there. Sundays was our together days. No work.

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Suekatie Losing the only man I ever loved and the only one who loved me is so painful it is indescribable as I was so ill myself when he died I felt that nothing was done right I lost him and my little dog as I couldn’t care for him. I even wished that my surgeon had not been so damn good and that I could have gone to join him. I also find the loneliness unbearable as I don’t have any friends and no family. My only solace is now I have a little dog and my job if it wasn’t for my dog the silence at home would be deafening. During this lockdown I often go fir days and days without speaking to anyone. Loss is so awful isn’t it. I am trying my hardest to believe that the funny things that sometimes happen are him trying to tell me he is there but it’s so hard. Perhaps our only comfort is knowing that we were loved? because surely that is the most wonderful thing? I don’t know how to comfort you nor you me but it does sometimes help to write it down in these posts. There are a lot of broken hearts aren’t there I hope that you and I can perhaps come to believe that one day we will see our darlings again xxx

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I believe I will see her again. But I want her now. People keep saying one day you will meet again but that is of no comfort. We never had children. I am looking at a cat this week that needs a new home. The first glimmer of candle light. She was not a fan of cats as we were looking to get a dog. But in her final hours she told me not to be alone. So I’m getting a cat. Hopefully.

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Oh bell
I feel the same
I was Ill a couple of months before the lock down and he cane to the hospital every day
My heart breaks because I was not allowed to be with him in his illness
He was only 71 and I never expected to lose him so soon
We were talking about our 50 th wedding anniversary and now he is gone
My friend my love my life and all I have is memories and a box of ashes
You are right I want to be with him but I couldn’t do that to my daughter and my poor little dog so I carry on dragging myself through each awful day

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We drag as you say through each day. It was only last month we were talking about our home and getting ready for planning retirement. It was a way off I’m 49 and she was 53. But we were redecorating the house after being here for 27 years.
My only girlfriend and then wife has gone. 30 days gone and it still don’t sink in. We done everything together.

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