I am guilty

Hello. I realised something this morning when I woke up I laid in bed thinking how much my mum loved me and how much she did for me. When she was alive I didn’t appreciate her. Now I do. It’s taken my mum to leave me for me to actually realise it. God do I feel guilty for the way I treated her. I’ve got to live with it for rest of my life. How do I come to terms with what I’ve done to my mum
What I did was completely wrong. My mum did nothing to deserve my treatment of her.
I am ashamed of myself


I am truly sorry for your loss :heart:

When we are young we do things or behave badly towards our parents, it’s all part of growing up and becoming an adult. Your mum would have more than likely behaved this was towards her parents. Your mum loves you and wouldn’t want you to be upset. Your mum understands and loves your unconditionally. Maybe write your mum a letter, saying what you are sorry , for whatever it is you have done. This way you have gotten it all out and so it’s not swirling around your head. We all make mistakes and hurt those we love as we are growing up.

Be strong and brave, your mum loves you unconditionally and would hate to see you so upset.

Sending love and hugs xx

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Hi Steven,
Just read your post.
I can only speak as someone who has lost their mum 15 months ago and a mum myself who has a grown up son.
First of all I could write a book about how many things I personally feel guilty about myself with my mum and I was 100% devoted toy mum,cared for her ,spent at least 4 nights a week with her even though she lived 40 miles away,took her away on hols and weekends ,had meals out went shopping and cleaned and cooked for her as she was 89. After doing all that I still feel guilty about lots of stupid things eg I shouldn’t have phoned 999 or let her go into hosp bec bec then they put her on end of life and took away my rights. The list goes on and on . I gain comfort from thinking now that I did what was right at the time and the wonderful friends I have met on here who constantly help me battle with my guilt by reassuring me I did everything I could have done.
Secondly as a mum myself I can honestly tell you that however bad you may think you treated your mum she would have let it go over her head. You were her son and a mum is extremely wise. They don’t let silly things stand in the way of relationships and the bond between a mother and son is like a golden thread that bonds them tog no matter what. Stop beating yourself up ok bec a mother’s love is unconditional no matter what their son or daughter does.
Yes it’s when people are ill or have passed away that the people left behind realise all sorts of things and that’s because emotions run wild and we look back and think we should have said this or done more. I can assure you that however you treated your mum she would have looked past that and only seen her blue eyed boy.
You need to focus on yourself now. You could devote your life to making your mum even prouder of you by succeeding in life,in being happy and content in life,in believing in yourself and knowing your doing everything in your power to make her proud.
I am a great believer bin signs after a person has passed so I am sure you will get a sign when you least expect it that your mum is watching you.
Take care and start focussing on yourself from today and gradually you will hopefully get through the awful guilt feelings.


Hey steven, I am sorry for your loss
I don’t know your age but all I can say don’t be so hard on yourself. I am 26 and my mom pass away 6 months back in OCT, and let me tell you the story before that, In March of 2023 I had the biggest disappointment in my career, it really affected me mentally, upon that I had some ptsd developed and I just hated everyone in the next 6 months. I blamed my parents for everything wrong, I was depressed to be honest. Also let me tell you I am the person who always hoped to make my parents proud, I loved them no matter what and really respected them. But those 6 months from March 2023 to Oct 2023 were the toughest and I used to feel my mom was hurt by me not talking to her. But you know she was fine but idk what happened one night she passed away in 2 mins, her last breadth was on my lap. and the last 6 months I am drowned in pain, guilt, regret, shame, took help of a counsellor but didn’t work.

Then I came on this platform and I spoke to a mom, like the other two people have so nicely replied to you I really appreciate them @Katyh @seychelles, thankyou you both have an amazing soul.

So steven, I interacted with a mom and she told me its normal to have arguments in a relationship and like others have mentioned your mom doesn’t hold that against you, but she doesn’t like to see you in pain. Please write a letter to her, cry as much as you want but try to engage yourself in other things soon. I am trying my best too


So sorry to hear of your loss
I honestly wish I could let this go but it’s not that easy.
Throughout my child hood I could only describe as incredible. I am 58 years old and I can’t help look back at how I treated my parents especially my lovely mum. She gave me an amazing childhood clothed me fed me held me when I cried and danced with her when I was so young. My mum was a famous dancer and she was so talented it would put the other famous dancers to shame. When she danced people took notice and I am so proud of all she achieved but it doesn’t alter how I feel about the way I treated her. If I’d of been a better son I wouldn’t feel this way.
My mum left me at 70 years old way to young age to leave this earth. I feel so much guilt for not being there for her when she was so unwell while my dad was the one caring for her. I had a conversation with my dad about I should have been there helping him instead of shirking responsibility onto his shoulder’s for along time. I keep asking myself if I had of helped him would my mum still be here. Together we could have saved my mum. My mum was an alcoholic this was because her dancing career ended tragically and she smoked but she gave up both. Wow how many people can do that I don’t just mean one habit but two habits. It puts many people to shame.
I saw what it did to my mum when her career ended like it did it was heartbreaking to have nearly 60 years ended from the age of 14 years old.
Heres my other guilt I was in a job I still do today. The day my mum left me I was in work that day but instead of being at the hospital work was more important than my mum. My dad rung me to let me know my mum had gone. My world came crashing down and I was so angry with myself that my job before my mum. I never got to even say goodbye though goodbye is the wrong word to say to the one person who loved me unconditionally. Where was my love for my mum. I put myself first before my mum and I do feel ashamed
A lot of people on here will say differently but when it’s your mum nothing people say on here will make any difference unfortunately

I am so sorry mate, Ik its a tough time and feel free to feel your emotions, I didn’t mean you let go of everything, it is incredibly challenging but remember she doesn’t keep anything against you and won’t like seeing you like this. Please express to people close by if possible, try some meditation. Reach out to me on Private message if that helps. But remember you are not a bad person. You did everything you could.

Hi Steven,
I echo everything that Varun has just written.
Your second sentence is crucial. You want to let go which is good. You just need some help in finding how to let it go. I know its not easy but acknowledging the fact you maybe could have done more is enough. It really is.
We all make mistakes. We are all human.
You have written some lovely things about your mum. That in itself speaks volumes about the love you had for her and that is what matters the most. She would have known how much you loved her and that would have been enough for her. You may not think it right now but your love for her was enough for your mum.
As you mention people can say differently and at the moment nothing people say makes any difference but please remember you personally made a difference to your mums life by simply being her son. You did not need to do anything else.
When you were in work that day you were not to know your mum would pass that day so the decision you took that day to stay in work was what you thought was the best to do. We all have thoughts of if only i had done that or not done that. I know I do.
My way of helping me deal with the deepest sadness on my saddest days is to think that my mum has gone ahead of me and that I will see her one day again. I know there are times when it doesn’t help and I could scream the house down but finding little strategies to help me when it gets really bad helps. Another is when i wake at night and think about my mum I always end up sobbing uncontrollably and have a panic attack so now when i feel this starting to happen I get up straight away , go downstairs and make a cuppa and watch TV just to distract me . I am sure you have lots of things in place that you do too. Just sharing mine sometimes helps.
Thinking of you

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That is beautiful, You are a kind human being and I am saving this for future.

Hi no I didn’t know my mum was going to pass but it’s besides the point I knew how close she was to leaving me and I just carried on working knowing that. I can’t forgive myself for that

Hi varun.
Thanks. I speak from the heart

Hi Steven,
I understand how you feel. It will take time to forgive yourself. But I am sure in time you will even though right now you think that will never happen.
Try to look to the future if you can and have the best life possible with everything that is available to you. That I am sure is what your mum would want for you.


Thank you so much Varun.

I’d like to think there is a future but while this is still so raw I can’t see a future for me. My mum leaving me took that away.
One thing that gives me so much comfort is I know she’s by my side protecting me it’s what our mums do isn’t it

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Hi Steven ,
Yes I agree its so raw at the moment that it is hard to see through anything. It is still very raw for me after 15 months so I understand. It takes different timescales for different people as we are all so different but for me personally I think I will always feel it being raw. Yes your whole world changes in a flash. Turns everything upside down and its the start I guess of living a new life. One without our mums and trying to carry on still hoping they can see us and for us its a matter of making them proud of us.
I also feel my mum is by my side. If I close my eyes and put out my hand I can almost touch her. Its lovely to think like this as in the beginning nothing helped me.
I have a son grown up now and is 28. When he was small and in school worried about something I would tell him I am with you on your shoulder but invisible. Now as a man when he goes through a bad patch or is away working I say i am in your head guilding you to do the right thing or make the right decision or whatever it is. I recently had cancer and it was touch and whether I would make it and told my son always remember if I dont make it that I will always be in your head. in your brain making sure you are ok in life and I would be watching every move he makes.
And even though now its the hard part when our mums are not visable to us this is how i think of my mum. Always looking out for me wherever she is . And guiding me to do the right thing. I often ask myself. WWMD meaning what would mum do. It gets me through a few decisions quickly because she was always so spot on with her life decisions and matter of fact ways.
I hope you find posting on here helps you.
For me it was and still is a godsend. Its lovely to be able to post without being judged and talk about my mum, share my worries and rant whenever I want to. What an amazing platform we have during what can only be decribed in my mind as a grief battle of a journey
Keep going Steven. Small steps each day. Even the tiniest steps each day will get you a little stronger in time .

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But how do you live your life without your mum when she’s been a constant in my life from the day I was born. It would be like me saying I was saying goodbye to her. I’m
Not ready to say goodbye.
My mum gave me so much that any son would be so proud to have. I just wish I got to chat with her and tell her how much she meant to me. I never got to do that. There is so much I wanted to say to my mum. There’s even times I wish I’d just said to my mum there you go some flowers or I’d just say down with her and I just listened to her talking to me I kept my mouth shut. I even wish she was here to tell me of I’d never give any lip back instead of trying to have the last word. I should of been a better son
That’s hard
Thank you for your kind comments


Hi @Steven

You live because you are still here and it’s not your time to go, you live to be there for your family, friend’s and yourself. You live the life your mum would want for you.

You can still talk to your mum, she can hear you. Maybe talk to a picture of her and tell her how your feeling. You can also write little notes and leave on the table with an object of your mum’s to draw her to the message.

If you could ask your mum how to move forward and she could answer you what do you think she would say?

Have you thought about ringing your GP for some support? Have you a close friend or relative you could confined in.

Sending love and strength :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you
It’s not the same as actually chatting to my mum face to face


I know it’s not but it does help, it really does. It’ll never be the same but you need to find a way to feel more content. It’ll make your mum feel sad if she sees her son so overwhelmed with grief. She will still be by your side just not in the physical sense. She will leave you little signs to let you know she’s thinking of you and still love you.

I’m trying to help you see it from your mum’s perspective by asking you what would she say to you?

I talk to my Andrew all the time and I’m sure he answers me (I don’t think I’m going nuts :blush:)


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Hi Steven,
Lovely to hear from you again. I have been thinking about you and wondering if you are ok.
I agree that nothing is the same as chatting to our mums personally but we know we can’t do that anymore and that is the tough bit. The realisation that they have gone from us in the physical form hurts like nothing imaginable.
I have felt the same and nothing anyone tried to tell me helped.
I just wanted her back and still do. I just wanted to physically see her again, to sit with her, to take her for a spin in the car, to make food for her and the list goes on I wanted to scream each time someone said my mum could see me and could hear me. That didn’t help bec I just wanted to see her and talk to her. So I understand where you are coming from.
How to we move on? That’s the million dollar question I guess. Who knows? There’s no answer to so much we are going through.
I can only say how I am coping at the moment and since my mum passed.
I have set up an area in the lounge that is a memory table. It gives me a place to go. I make it a focus point of the day to change items on it. When it gets very tough for me I sit in the lounge at night near the memory table and talk to her photo. I very often sleep on the settee with the photo.
I always open the lounge curtains every morning and say hi mum and tell her what my plans are.
I spray her perfume around the house. This helps me remember the smell of her house.
I have planted flowers from her garden so I always have something of hers that grows and is colourful.
I wear some of her items of clothing as a sort of comfort thing . I also used her throws on my settee.
I used her plates when we have food
What I am trying to do is find fome sort of comfort in using her things and it helps me feel close to her.
I don’t know what else I can do really because there is nothing.
I have had signs especially when I feel really troubled about something in my life. I often see a white feather land in front of me or on the mat outside my back door. I have had loads of electrical things happen eg flickering lights, bulbs exploding, bulbs not working after lasting a day or two, lights coming on in the middle of the night on their own. Loads more. There is no explanation to it except that I think it’s my mum telling me she’s with me. My husband who never believed in such things has been totally converted as there have been so many.
I don’t know if you believe in signs but ask your mum to send you a sign.
It may help.
I hope you keep posting so you can share your feelings on here.

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Lovely words Kathy x